Ok so this has been a bit of a 'tough delivery' lol, in terms of me starting to write and share myself again. And the thing is that I don't like to share when there is something 'off' about my starting point - when I get that wrought and disturbing kind of sense that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons or that there is just some point there that maybe I can't quite put my finger on but that's showing me that ah, ok it's not my 'pure' expression so to speak. I'm trying to maneuver or manipulate or control a particular point in my reality. But then the problem sort of becomes that I continue holding back, being 'shy' about my expression, to not share, not write, not express, and I become more and more reclusive and isolated - which is obviously also not a solution.
And as it turns out, I seem to have quite a bit of such 'dishonesties', as in hidden misalignments in my starting point, when it comes to my expression. So my 'solution' has been that 'ok well I just won't express myself at all anymore then'. Like 'if I don't do anything, I can't do any harm either'. But then I only end up hiding the points rather than really addressing and resolving or directing them. Because, the solution to the problem of 'expression', is also 'expression'. Even though I may not yet be aware of what all those misaligned points are, what the dishonesties are, who I am and how and why I am within my expression, that shouldn't necessarily keep me from expressing myself.
It's more like, Ok I've been hiding myself. Hiding the 'truth' of myself so to speak. The fact that yes, I'm not 'pure' and I got a lot of shit going on. A lot of unresolved, undirected points that I haven't been changing - also interestingly due to not expressing them, not being honest and open and real about them with the world as me. Because that has in a way been my process, to I guess come out of hiding and accept myself and allow myself to express and share and be open about who I am and basically what all is there within me that I've been convincing myself I must hide and judge and stuff away, far away from anyone else to see.
I mean it's something I used to enjoy about process in fact, the 'radical honesty' within sharing openly all that is there, that is generally hidden. To allow it all to finally 'breathe', to no longer judge and to be like 'yes it's all nasty shit and the tendency is to want to hide and cover it up and keep up some kind of appearance but look it's what's here, it's reality, and that's OK in some way. At least it's Ok to look at it and be open and honest about it because it's things that we can change as long as there is that honesty and investigation and doing what it takes to change'. One of those things being writing and sharing about that process. Or at least for me it begins with writing, as a way of saying 'Ok well I know there's a lot of 'hidden' stuff and there's a lot of programming there to keep the hiding in place, but I'm at least taking steps in the direction of changing that. I'm at least standing up and doing what makes sense to me, rather than keeping the truth hidden just cause it seems that that's just what you do in this world'.
So seems I got a little 'off course' at some point, going more into hiding than openness and sharing. More into excuses, justifications, beliefs around why openness and sharing is bad and hiding is good. Why 'brutal' or radical honesty is to be avoided and why one must rather choose to be hidden behind layers and layers of fear basically - all the while making the truth of oneself more and more complicated, until honesty seems an impossible thing.
