Tuesday, April 6, 2021

Mind Development in the Developing Fetus: A QCK Adventure



This one's another exciting story, albeit maybe also a bit bizarre, that I've been wanting to share about my 'adventures' with QCK, resonance and the developing baby fetus in my belly.Why I'm saying this story might be a bit bizarre is because it's not like one you'll have heard anywhere before. It covers topics that may be a bit hard to grasp at first, but they're fascinating nonetheless. Topics such as... gosh, where do I begin?! lol To be honest I am also learning about all this stuff as I go. It entails as much my process, as well as the baby's and the process I'm walking with QCK, in terms of investigating the relationship between the mind and the body (or, as I've more specifically described before, how I work with 'resonance'). Again not going to go into the specifics of what 'resonance' is, but I am more than happy to answer questions in the comment section!

Anyways! Let's just get into it. A little while ago, without any clear reason or cause, I suddenly started experiencing abdominal cramps. At first, obviously thinking nothing of it cause when you're pregnant you experience cramps for numerous reasons; constipation, bloatedness, being gassy, the uterus expanding and what not. Then I felt my body going into a state of 'panic', like 'Ok, something's happening that is not normal!' Kind of like a red alarm going off inside. Physically it felt like I was going to have my period, that sinking feeling in the pelvis that feels like things are going to be pushed out and released. The cramping worsened, I started to feel extremely faint like I was going to pass out and things no longer felt like 'they were going to pass', like I just need to 'wait it out'. They felt as though my body was in a state of emergency and I may be needing a trip to the hospital.

While all these physical symptoms were going on, I was doing what I usually do whenever I'm experiencing any pain, discomfort or strange experience in my belly. I check the resonance, or in other words I check the link between the physical and the mind. And here I have a few check points that I go through to determine whether it is me or the baby and then what the actual point is that's causing the physical discomfort. And a point that came through very strongly in the baby's resonance was that he 'wanted out!'. That, with looking at all of what I have been going through in my personal life, the emotions that's been bringing up, and looking at what that will mean in terms of the environment he's going to be born into, he's opting to rather evacuate right now. And I can't say that I could disagree with how he was seeing things. That, sure yes I was 'busy changing' and 'working on' all the issues he was seeing, but unfortunately for me, 'just not fast enough'. That there is such a point as 'too late'. His decision was made, he's not waiting for me any longer. 

So as I was mentally preparing myself for a possible miscarriage, I thought 'Ok, well maybe this isn't necessarily how it needs to be, and maybe there's a point here that I can address with QCK', because I've learned by now that you wouldn't believe how many experiences and ways of seeing things - that, sure, feel very 'real' in the moment - are actually systems in the mind and can be 'deprogrammed'. You're just not aware of the mechanics behind 'why' you feel and see things the way you do and so will accept it as 'real'. With a QCK session those mechanics become exposed and so you're able to more easily let things go or work through them.

Now, a session goes as follows: I will do a lot of 'checking' and cross-referencing points. Like in this case I checked obviously, 'Ok, is this actually a mind-system the baby and me is accessing or is this a real thing?' This cross-referenced as 'yes, it's a mind-system'. Now the interesting thing as well as we go through a session, with each check-point so to speak, is that there is a 'release' that happens. Some of the tension that's been built up emotionally/mentally within the mind-system will relax and release each time a particular layer of it has been identified and realized. For instance, just with realizing that 'Ok, this isn't actually real, it's a mind-system that I can address, direct and change', already removed some of the stress or sense of 'urgency' of the overall experience. The next checkpoint is then of course 'well, what mind-system are we dealing with here?'

Here is where I work with a lot of information that I've developed over the years with Andrea Rossouw, and is something we're able to use as our blueprint in navigating the mind in a session. It's a way of organizing the jumble of whatever we are going through inside into comprehensible terminology that allows us to see clearly and work with the different components of how the mind operates (and makes things seem so 'real' when they're actually not). I suppose you could say it helps 'place things into perspective'. 

The mind-system that cross-referenced here was a personality design of being 'grim'. Grim as in, perceiving and seeing the world in a particularly gloomy, dark, pessimistic and overall negative way. So in short, the baby was actually accessing this personality design, which he'd copied from me, and was deciding that he 'wanted out' because - being in this personality design - he could not see any potential, possibility, hope or opportunity for things to get better, to change and be good. He was seeing his world in the worst possible way and so his conclusion or 'solution' was the worst possible option. So realizing this as a personality design wasn't just a learning-lesson for the baby, but also for me, since I'd been wholeheartedly agreeing with everything he was seeing and deciding throughout the whole thing. I too was living this personality design of being quite grim in how I tend to perceive things. Assuming the worst, rather than creating and allowing space for things to turn out good. This was another moment of 'release', with realizing 'oooh ok, so I'm not actually seeing reality but more an interpretation or perception of it based on some deeper programming that's causing me to see the worst in things'.

From here the session went into this 'deeper programming', which lasted all throughout the evening, as well as the next few days to really get to the bottom of the thing. As in, where does this one 'perception/interpretation' of reality, this one pattern and tendency of being 'grim', originate from? Throughout it all, using my body, and whatever cramps/discomforts were still there, as a cross-reference and a guide to let me know there's still more to look at. Until the last layer had been uncovered and the body felt settled, present and comfortable. In these kind of sessions we really venture into places that have been 'locked away' in different layers of our awareness, so yes it can take a while to open up all of those 'locked doors' as we sink deeper and deeper into ourselves. This one took me on a ride, not just through my own sub- and unconscious mind, but also my partner's - the baby's father - which was all forming part of the baby's already programmed 'mindset'.

Suffice to say that pregnancy has definitely had it's 'surprises' for me so far, in terms of opening up so much more for me in my ability to work with QCK. It hasn't all just been due to being pregnant, I've also just been working with myself a lot more, working with Joe Kou as a life coach, and just cranking my own process up a notch. All that, and having this 'extra perspective' through the baby has added to developing an extreme depth, compared to what I was working with before, as I work with myself and other people in QCK sessions. Absolutely fascinating stuff. So that's all for this 'adventure'. If this is all wild and bizarre to you, that's normal lol. We're not used to working on this level, with resonance, mind programming and the mind and body relationship. This all only opened up and started for me because I've been walking with Desteni and have been walking my Desteni 'I' Process for such a long time. In a way seeing the 'fabric of the universe' as resonance.

I do QCK sessions, not for the faint-hearted, where I take you down deep into your programming and where we have a look at what's at the origin of whatever you're dealing with. Come check me out at Space of Grace, or find me on Facebook. I invite and welcome conversations and questions to better understand all this stuff. Or any inquiries about QCK sessions, resonance, mind-body relationship or mind programming, don't hesitate to send my way.


Sunday, February 28, 2021

Working through my Resonant Design with QCK

One thing I've found QCK sessions, or my work with 'resonance', are useful for is FEAR. What I mean by that is that personally I'd say I am a very 'fearful' person, and I have never found a very effective way of dealing with those fears. I've tried many things growing up with all these intense experiences of anxiety, insecurity and nervousness that I'd so often go through, not to mention the thoughts accompanying those experiences! Oh the thoughts! lol Fear can really send your thoughts into a tailspin, and it's a rough ride when you're not able to assess what is purely your mind's imagination and what is reality. And that rabbit hole goes deep too. Meaning, the levels on which fear can have a hold on your perception of reality. It's just extensive. And so is the process you have to walk to sift through all those levels and ultimately get to a point of groundedness. And my process has been a loooong one.

What QCK has just supported me with is to discern what's 'my mind' from what's real. To learn and find out that even, and mostly, those experiences that 'felt so real' were actually not reality at all, but were just sort of 'remnants' or 'resonants'. My 'resonant design', made up of whatever memories I've stored in unconscious ways that are now distinctively 'resonating' through my mind in the form of 'experiences'.  That all might sound a bit complicated, but it's to say that you end up taking so many things about how you see and perceive the world and how you experience yourself for granted, because most of it is, well, just not real. And the key is to find the memories that are anchored and stored away and are busy resonating. Cause if you don't, you're always sort of wandering in the dark inside your own mind, in all of these experiences, just trying to find a slice of the 'real you'.

And it took me long enough, but as I mentioned in my previous post, being pregnant has urged me to start using QCK to take on every point inside myself I could see I was stuck on. And that wasn't in the least because just the whole physical sensation of being pregnant and whatever that does to the body (especially in the beginning!) seemed to amplify and magnify many of my mental/emotional patterns (especially the extremely uncomfortable ones). Aside from that, there was also my resolve - with realizing I am becoming a PARENT! - that 'all this ends with me'. I may have been allowing all of this uncomfortable stuff inside myself for way too long, but I will not saddle a child, my child, with it too. 

It really only took a few good, deep sessions with myself to find a way and clear a path for myself through things I've been stuck in within my mind for what seems like forever. At least most of my life. So many experiences I took for granted, believed to be real, and allowed myself to suffer through for so long, now just 'debunked' and cleared up in the span of maybe a few weeks. And for someone who has a 'fearful mind', I couldn't be more grateful that for the first time I was able to understand the mechanics of it all, instead of being swept away by the currents of fear resonating from the depths of my unconscious. I could give things a place and place myself into perspective. No longer thinking 'there's something grievously wrong with me', which is what you often end up feeling and believing when you suffer from massive anxiety and panic-attacks. The solution to all these things was now just a session away, and it's been glorious.

If you're at all curious about QCK and you feel like it might support you, don't hesitate to reach out to kim_amourette@hotmail.com. I'm also on Facebook if you feel more comfortable sending me a message there. Dealing with anxiety is tough, and if I can in any way be a point of support in that journey, through QCK, and working with others the way I've worked with myself, then I am here.

Kim Amourette

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

The Resonance of Fish Oil and its Effects on a Developing Fetus


 This is an important, or rather exciting, point to share for me. One I've been wanting to share for a while but haven't found the way to do that entirely. I'm sure it's because it is a very new and different kind of thing and so it's a bit harder to find the vocabulary or way to express what it is that I want to express. 

I have been walking quite a journey in a lot of different ways, and it mostly all started with getting pregnant. I mean, I've found that realizing you're having a baby kind of puts things in hyper-drive for you. Realizing I alone am entirely and completely and irrevocably responsible for this one being's life. The father has their responsibility as well of course, but having that being developing in your body is an entire different dimension of responsibility on its own!  

Now comes the tricky part of what I have been anxious to share lol. If you know me, you know that I practice QCK (Quantum Change Kinesiology). This is a technique involving Applied Kinesiology that I've developed alongside Andrea Rossouw. And I haven't quite found a way of formulating what it is that I do exactly.  Words sometimes fall short. I suppose it is suffice to say that I work with the mind and the body and particularly the relationship between those two on a very intimate level. And that level you could call the 'resonant level'. I work with 'resonance'. A very interesting study to reference here is the work of Masaru Emoto who did research around how thoughts, words, energies and intentions influence the molecular structure of water. He worked with the resonance of our mind on physical reality, or how our mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions resonates or ripples into and affects our physical reality. 

I've found that being able to work with this resonant layer takes a lot of practice and sensitivity, and it's kind of like practicing a particular muscle of taking a thing and mapping out it's components. Like how a scientist would take a blood sample and puts it under a microscope to zoom in on what it consists of. When you're working with resonance you're doing the same thing but on the level of the mind and how the mind overlaps onto physical reality. It's fascinating stuff. Yet, very little research has actually been conducted to investigate this relationship. It almost seems like the medical community concluded that all of our thinking and feeling and everything that makes up our 'self' just happens 'in the brain', and left it at that, consequentially segregating itself entirely from the field of psychology. AND lazily shoving any discipline that aims to work with the relationship between mind and body into the category of 'alternative medicine' or 'pseudo-science'. Think acupuncture, homeopathy and Applied Kinesiology for example. It is very sad.

So you're kind of left to your own devices when it comes to establishing any understanding of your mind and your body and the relationship between the two. And perhaps that's a good thing too, from the perspective that this understanding is a very personal process. After all, you're setting out to understand 'you', as who you are in your mind and your body and the relationship between those two. Personally, it's taken me no less than a decade to establish this type of understanding, walking a very intensive process and applying very specific tools.

But all this is just leading me into what I wanted to share today specifically, and that's more just an example of the 'resonance' work that I do. I started off saying that it all started with being pregnant, because that sense of responsibility has pushed me to expand my abilities to working not just with myself but also with the baby fetus. Also my working with myself has been amped up because, having a baby means that who I am in my mind and body won't just influence me, but will now also influence this other being directly. This made my process of self-change take on a whole new importance. There's many more examples on this that I will be sharing later on, but for today I wanted to focus on one example in particular of working with the resonance of supplements. Fish oil to be exact, or Omega 3, 6 and 9. When it comes to anything I ingest, I make sure to do my research to confirm that it's safe to take during pregnancy, but I've also learned to check in with how it is resonating into my body and into the baby. What's the baby's experience with this supplement and how is it influencing the baby on a resonant level? The resonant level specifically lets me know what is going on on a mind level (yes, already!), which in turn will have its effect on the physical level of the baby.

I'll leave the explaining of how this works for another blog (I'm also happy to answer questions in the comment section!) and will just dive into what I saw upon investigating the resonance of the Omega 3/6/9 supplements. How it was resonating with the baby was that 'it's cool but there is a point there'. So that 'point' was something to look deeper into cause it's showing 'something' about the supplement that the baby is not entirely OK with. Now this is where it gets interesting because when you look into these kind of points you're also working with the composition of the thing, where it comes from, what it's made from, all on a resonant level! It can be exciting and also a bit scary sometimes, cause you don't ever know what you're going to see and uncover. It is always a diving into an exploration and an excavation of an unknown world.

I got a bit startled this time as well cause what came through was a very 'shark-like' resonance. As though this fish oil came from a very deep and wild part of the sea where fish exist in extreme survival, extreme competition, fear, aggression and fighting (for survival). The shark-like resonance in a way captured the essence or the depth of what 'survival' means and what it takes to survive in this reality. That resonance makes a lot of sense when you consider that Omega 3 specifically helps with brain development in the fetus. The brain being the primary operating center of our survival techniques and our learning and functioning abilities in this world. So what I particularly work with here is with why the baby was having 'issues' with this supplement, what those issues are and how they can be resolved. 

These issues will always have to do with a 'reaction' that's taking place on some level of the mind, and this is something that can be directed with some simple guidance exercises. The reaction here was basically that 'this is very scary'. The shark-like resonance, the aggression and the 'dog-eat-dog' or 'fish-eat-fish' feel of it all. And it was interesting because I realized that this reaction came from the very 'sensitive' disposition that my baby has already copied from myself and its father. This is an issue that has come up before and something I've become aware of since working with my relationship with my baby in this way, that I am an extremely sensitive person when it comes to the world, society, survival and my environment and reality in general. I've become more and more aware of my many issues with anxiety and fear and it's become clear to me in my sessions with the baby thus far that it is already copying a lot of that. Already laying the foundation of its mind, to essentially eventually become even more sensitive of a person than myself and its father combined.

So this wasn't just an issue to direct with the baby, but also with myself, to correct that relationship of 'fear, anxiety and sensitivity' when it comes to the world and the concept of survival and competition. This is where the fun part comes in because it's where I get to go in and have a 'QCK session'. It's the fun part cause it's where we dig into the mind and sort of 'uproot' the reaction. If you imagine that one reaction to something is actually part of a much bigger system, design or 'plan' if you will, it's like pulling out a weed or a tree by the roots. It's a very exciting process that can go quite deep in terms of really getting to know yourself. Then after the session I check the resonance again and could see that the 'capacity' of dealing with this shark-like/survival resonance had changed. From a crumbling and suppressive response, to a more 'clown-like' response. Clown-like meaning, to have more fun, to see and work with things in a more lighthearted manner and to siphon out the aspects that matter and can be used from the ones that can be discarded in a very easy-breezy kind of way. 

 When it comes to survival, it doesn't have to be something scary, and it doesn't have to be something aggressive either. It's about strength, stability, knowing yourself and being ready for the world. So all the session did was align the baby's 'attitude' in relation to the fish-oil from reacting to the agressiveness with 'emotional sensitivity', to just keeping and using what is useful and good about it and ignoring the rest.  It's small points of support, but fascinating nonetheless and they help me a lot too since everything I'm working with with the baby are issues I struggle with as well.

That is it for my sharing on this point. If all this intrigues you as much as it does me, then look out for more of these posts as I'll be sharing more of these stories of working with resonance. Also if your own resonance (as in, your relationship between your mind and physical reality) is something you feel ready to work with, then check out my practice on Space of Grace, or message me at kim_amourette@hotmail.com.

Kim amourette

Thursday, January 14, 2021

The Meaning of Purpose


 I've noticed that when it comes to ideas that I have where 'I'd like to' express something, like make a vlog or a blog and just do something that is in line with me expressing my care for life and the process I'm walking, there will very easily be 'discouragement' or rather thoughts come up that it's 'purposeless'. That I shouldn't bother, it's silly, it's stupid, just let it go and drop it and focus on more important things. 

That's lead me to have another look at the word 'purpose' and how I'm defining it, in terms of what is it that I'm actually deeming 'important', valuable and worthy of my time. Because clearly, some programming in my mind is telling me that the things I want to do that would stand in support of life are 'purposeless'. So there's a problem here...



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word purpose in the context of the mind as survival – where the question ‘what’s the purpose of this?’ must always be able to be answered in terms of how will it generate money, or a following, or produce something that’s considered a ‘value’ within the mind, such as money or fame or popularity or success of some sort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must require ‘proof’ that whatever I’m doing will in some way contribute to a future success in terms of money and survival – or that it must be nearly ‘set in stone’ that what I’m doing will have that eventual result of ‘success’ as defined in terms of money and/or fame – otherwise it’s simply not worth doing at all and is a ‘worthless pursuit’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find no ‘purpose’ and so no value or worth in things I do just for the sake of seeing that it may contribute to a better world, that it may be supportive in some way, where I am just expressing my ‘self’ as in my care for life and my care to contribute to a better world in whatever way possible, and where I don’t necessarily have a whole future business model all mapped out in terms of how I might become famous or make money from it or how I may even be able to be consistent in doing it – because all I have is that drive and that point of care to hopefully maybe do and contribute to something that matters

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that what matters isn’t scripted in any way, so it’s never going to be that ‘sure thing’ in terms of the mind’s definition of ‘money’ and ‘success’, and so to the mind it will never have ‘purpose’ – there will never be a ‘purpose’ or a value and worth in doing it and there’ll always be plenty of reasons for why you should just ‘give up’ and ‘not even bother’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that as long as ‘purpose’ is defined by and up to the mind, I will never see a ‘purpose’ in anything I do that matters, in terms of things I do as a ‘self’-expression – and that I must be the directive principle of the word ‘purpose’, in terms of for myself deciding what truly has value and worth in this world and what doesn’t – and so not just accept those thoughts that come up in the mind of ‘there’s no purpose to this’ or ‘this is worthless and a waste of time’ just because it does not directly relate to ‘survival’ and ‘money’ and ‘success’ defined within survival and money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept this preprogrammed definition of the word ‘purpose’, where the value or worth of something is defined by whether it’s able to contribute to ‘survival’ and ‘success’ as defined within the mind consciousness system where it’s defined within self-interest rather than what’s best or supportive for all – instead of being the directive principle of ‘purpose’ and aligning it with life as what’s best for all as who I really am and what I know to be what matters, where everything that contributes to creating a better world for all has value and worth, and the things that only consider self-interest do not have value or worth and so are ‘without purpose’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the consequences of living the word purpose as defined by the mind consciousness system in terms of only seeing value and worth in what’s going to contribute to my survival in this world is that I’m contributing to and creating a world and reality that does not honor life as self-expression in every moment – a world of competition and separation that disregards and neglects what’s actually here such as nature and animals, where no care is given to that which really matters, and so a world doomed to self-destruct

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word purpose within a positively charged energy that tells me that 'something HAS purpose' - instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that everything has a particular 'purpose' -- it's to just find out what that purpose is by investigating the consequences of my actions and having a look at what I'm actually contributing to and creating through my actions and behavior

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this belief that there are certain things that are 'purposeful' and other things that are 'purposeless' just shows me that I have been brainwashed and programmed to be a robot who only does things they've been programmed to believe 'have purpose' without understanding the actual purpose as in the consequences and what I'm actually busy creating - and so without being the directive principle in terms of actually investigating the consequences of my actions as to what 'purpose' my actions are actually serving, as well as deciding what it is I actually want to be creating


When and as I see myself thinking that there’s no purpose to something I’m doing just because I cannot prove to myself or show how it might contribute to any future ‘success’ as defined by the mind in terms of money/fame/survival, and that I ‘shouldn’t even bother doing it’ and ‘should just give it up’ – then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that I am living the word purpose as defined in and as the mind and have been accepting and allowing the mind to be the directive principle of ‘purpose’

And I see, realize and understand that it’s how I’ve been taught and preprogrammed to live the word purpose – and that thus real purpose aligned with life as what’s best for all in oneness and equality is to investigate and look into the actual consequences of what I place value and worth in and which actions and behavior I deem valuable and worthy and which ones I don’t, to not just trust the thoughts that come up in the mind that something is ‘worthless’ and ‘I shouldn’t bother’ but to actually look into ‘what would this contribute to?’ and so to see where this action will take me and what I will end up creating through it

I see and realize and understand that the mind is programmed to automatically judge everything that’s aligned with life and that’s best for all as ‘purposeless’, and everything that contributes to self-interest as ‘purposeful’ – and that thus it’s up to me to investigate all things and be the directive principle of the word purpose in terms of self-honestly having a look at what actually contributes to creating a world that’s best for all and what actually only contributes to its inevitable destruction

As I see and realize and understand that oftentimes the mind will deem something ‘purposeless’ and ‘not worth doing’ while its those things that actually come from a place of innocence and self-expression and genuine care

I commit myself to live the word purpose  in terms of making sure that my actions and behavior is aligned with ultimately contributing to and creating a world that is best for all – supporting those behaviors and actions that are aligned with life and changing the ones that aren’t

Sunday, January 10, 2021

From Relationship to Agreement

This is quite an interesting blog written by Kim Kline, called "Relationships as religion" and well worth a read as her experiences mirror my own. I've been walking a similar path as of late, walking a relationship into an agreement. In fact, I had my relationship fail first before it was able, or rather before I was able to consider it could also be something different. Something more supportive for me as an individual, rather than something that would have me compromise myself.

In fact my relationship failed because I was so indoctrinated and obsessed with the religion of it. Using it as the 'rock' that hides and suppresses my deep, hidden fears. I was not supporting myself. My real self. Who I am as an individual. I more defined myself by the relationship. By my fear of losing it in my life. Fear of what I may face and experience within myself if I lost this 'rock'. And the indoctrination was so deep that I had to lose it, to realize there is still a 'self' without the relationship, and that that self needs to be honored a lot more than I had been. It was only fitting for my relationship to fail so that I may see and realize I had not been honoring what's best for me. I had not been listening to myself, or expressing myself. I was living for some 'God' or some 'idea' of what's more important than me, being my 'relationship'. Something I believed I could not live without.

All of my perfect ideas and ideals around relationships needed to end so that I could realize that what I had been believing in all this time had been a lie, and so that I could finally start placing myself first as 'God'. Having some self-respect, some self-integrity, self-honor and self-consideration. 

It was only because life took an unexpected turn of events, that my (ex)-partner and I came back together to form an agreement. This time both of us with open eyes, not 'falling' into anything, not out of feelings of 'love' or beliefs about being 'meant for each other' or even a desire to be together. But simply an agreement that we'll be two individuals who walk together in the physical and who will honor themselves and stand in support of honoring that individuality.

It is still challenging, because the desire to be in a relationship will still come up. The familiar tendency to want that 'rock' to be there to conveniently hide all of my fears under, and any of the unpleasant and uncomfortable experiences I've come to associate with 'being alone'. But, as Kim Kline stated in her blog, and as I've also realized, I am not alone. Yes I am responsible for me, I am an individual, I do not need a relationship, but just because there is no relationship, doesn't mean there is 'aloneness'. In fact I've found that within an agreement there is more togetherness, because now I get to be unapologetically me. I get to share me as I am. I don't need to hide anything, which I realized I was actually doing quite a lot while in a relationship. In fact, being in a relationship made me feel much more alone than being in an agreement. I just never realized how much until I stepped out of the relationship and suddenly felt a sense of freedom.

To be continued...





Tuesday, December 29, 2020

To Dare to Jump into the Deep End

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Being my own worst enemy"

"This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'."

So looking at this point a bit more of why there seems such a 'blockage' when it comes to self-movement, there's a memory that comes up of when I was little. I was at the pool with my family, and while I was afraid to step into the shallowest side of the kiddy pool as I was holding my mother's hand, my brother who was younger than me was over on the other side jumping into the deep end with not a worry in the world. While me, I had ALL the worries in the world. I was scared to just jump in. I was scared to even try. SO MUCH could go wrong. And I needed so much time, and a lot of coaxing to finally dip my toe into it.

It's kind of that same feeling that now stops me from just going for things for example, just doing something, just jumping into something that's unknown to an extent. Just taking that leap or just taking that step of moving myself into a particular direction that perhaps I'm not very used to. It almost feels like standing at the edge of a pool at the deep end and having to jump in, where everything inside of me is telling me that 'so much could go wrong!'. That I should not, and can not, just jump. It's insanity.

And I did perceive my brother as being slightly insane in fact lol. A little bit unhinged, and where I had too many worries, perhaps he had too few... Perhaps he should have had a bit more care and caution for himself. Although yes, where some things are just downright dangerous to 'just jump into it', other things aren't, and it's important to be able to let go of that veil of worries and see things for what they are. Most things that I'm wanting to try and do are not actually dangerous and do not require me to be so overly hesitant.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this personality design of being overly cautious and full of worries when it comes to doing and trying new or different things from what I'm used to

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself that there is caution in the mind as a veil of worries as self-sabotage and then there is real caution - where real caution is to assess reality based on common sense to see what's actually dangerous and what isn't, rather than assuming that everything must be dangerous within and as the worry personality in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a personality based on this holding back/worry personality, of 'thinking' and 'pondering' -- locking myself internally into a dimension of thought where I then sit and just think, basically preoccupying myself from going ahead and just doing the thing, almost trying to convince myself that I can predict or simulate or create the same thing in my mind and that I therefore don't have to move myself in physical reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I am never able to really get to know something and myself within it and create something without doing it in physical reality  - and that the 'thinking' in the mind is really no comparison or representation of actual reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just 'jump into' things within physical reality in terms of doing something and trying something out and moving into a certain direction by thinking that 'there are so many things that could go wrong!'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this thought of 'there are so many things that could go wrong!', connected with an experience of worry, when standing at the advent of something new or different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must protect myself from 'all the things that could go wrong!' and therefore must not go for things or jump into things and just take the step forward into a direction, but must stagnate and remain in place locked into a mind personality of thinking - as self-preoccupation, to at least create some kind of illusion of movement, even if it's not real and is only internally within thoughts and feelings and emotions as 'energy movements'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is wrong to just take a step or do something without first thinking about it profusely - because if I'm not thinking first, then I am not applying caution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define caution as 'thinking profusely about doing anything before going ahead and taking a step forward or moving into a certain direction'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to rather live caution as having a 'cushion' for myself to land on when I do step into things - where it's not about holding myself back and sabotaging my physical movement - but more about providing a gentle guidance for myself as I walk through whatever I'm deciding to do and venture into

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define caution in and as emotional experiences of worry and doubt and insecurity and fear, where the result is me suppressing and holding back my physical expression and movement in this world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me holding back on moving myself in physical reality is me protecting myself from 'what could go wrong' - instead of realizing and seeing that it's actually me sabotaging myself from living and learning and getting to know myself and reality and life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back and sabotage myself from learning and getting to know reality and myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind instead of trusting physical reality and my simple assessment of physical reality in terms of seeing what is actually 'dangerous' and what is not -- which does not require 'thinking'

when and as I see myself going into the mind as the worry personality in relation to doing things in physical reality - then i stop and i breathe -- and I see and realize and understand that I am just busy holding myself back and sabotaging myself from getting to know and learning about reality and myself 

I see and realize and understand that to get to know reality is to do new things and try different things and allowing myself to step into specific directions that I'm not familiar with - and to get out of the mind

I see and realize and understand that I do not need thoughts and 'thinking' to be able to see reality - and that thinking is more just preoccupation based on emotions like doubts and insecurities and fears and is not actually a representation of actual reality

I see and realize and understand that applying caution is not to think about things within worry and fear, but to just look at physical reality simplistically and assess whats actually realistically dangerous and what isn't 

I commit myself to trust the physical body rather than the mind when applying and practicing 'caution' when it comes to doing things and 'jumping into' things and moving into certain directions  - and so to live real caution rather than caution based on the mind as thinking and emotional experiences

and so I commit myself to through doing so, get to know reality and myself - by actually doing things in physical reality

Monday, December 28, 2020

Being your own worst enemy

 It is interesting, this point was brought home to me through the principle of what your reality is showing you is what you accept and allow, your reality being a mirror to you.  To have a look at specific people in my reality and what they mirror back to me, what stands out is very particular programming of 'being your own worst enemy'. Programming of self-sabotage. Where, there's not much wrong with your environment per se. Your environment is here, and gives you plenty of opportunity for you to create, yet, it's you within yourself who is more choosing to deteriorate rather than move forward and create.

So it's more through seeing what is happening to people in my environment, and in some ways to myself, that I am seeing what I am accepting and allowing in and as me. As in a choice to deteriorate, and hold back, rather than move forward and create. 

Let's take person X as example. Person X does an interesting thing where it is by no lack of trying or talent or skill that they seem to keep cycling in the same unsupportive and dire circumstances and situations. It's more their emotional patterns that cause them to not support themselves properly to move forward in their life and create a supportive physical environment for themselves. They're actually quite driven and decided to make the best of themselves and to 'get ahead' in life and succeed. But a pattern wherein they sabotage themselves in for example, is a 'blame' of their situation, of the world around them, of the universe, and of other people, as to why it is that they cannot seem to move forward or change anything to their circumstances. It is a point of believing that 'I am in this situation because reality is not cooperating'. And so a self-pity as well, which sometimes can spill over into suicidal tendencies even, when the anger and self-pity becomes overwhelming.

I know that to a large extent I have changed this particular programming within myself, where I am quite aware that everything about me and my life is in my hands. That, if I do not move, nothing will. And that thus, I must find a way. Even if everything seems impossible for me to change and do anything. I must find a way, because reality will not do anything for me. In fact, given the current world system, the chips are always stacked against me, if I have any integrity at all and want to create and do anything that involves integrity.

Yet clearly, my reality being a mirror, there are some aspects of it that I have not yet grasped or understood and changed. Because yes, even though I do have this understanding that everything is in my hands, there has still at the same time been this point of 'stuckness' that I've found myself in. Where, I'm not particularly moving either way. Even though, I want to and am trying to. There are some dimensions there of self-sabotage that I have not yet been able to change. Where, I have in a way even given up on trying to find different ways. Given up on truly supporting myself, because no matter what I did, I seemed to always end up feeling stuck. 

So perhaps, working with my reality within the mirror principle may give me some new perspective. And in a way it is a point of expanding my responsibility as well. To take responsibility for the lives of those around me by realizing and seeing how they mirror some points within me that I am accepting and allowing (without being consciously aware of it).

So yes with person X I'm very much working with a pattern of basically feeling stifled, held back and sabotaged at every turn and effort by reality. A sense of 'I am doing and trying everything that I can, but it's reality that isn't cooperating somehow. There is something about the end result of my actions that is out of my hands.' But it's actually a point where I 'give up' and don't push through or venture beyond. And that point has nothing to do with reality but is more a point inside myself that I've decided is too overwhelming or overpowering for me, and I just cannot move past it.

This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'.

To be continued...