Thursday, July 30, 2020
Monday, July 20, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous post "I am NOT Responsible"
this is a programming of basically intense fear. Intense fear which sort of compacts and compresses me inside until I feel really really small. And I am just this tiny point of fear inside myself that is existent in the point of 'but, but what about me?? What will happen to me??' As a point of just being very fearful of what might happen to me. Very fearful of my own 'fate'.
And it's so all-consuming that within this fear, i separate myself from basically all of existence, all of life and become just so super 'small' and 'tiny' inside myself. Just smaller and smaller within this one point of fear of 'but, but,...', 'what about me??'
It is like the epitome of separation and consciousness. The epitome of self-interestedness because I am literally only concerned and worried about ME. MY fate, MY future, MY experiences. What will happen to ME. And it's interesting because by going into this fear, I only separate myself even more and more from my environment - and within that separation end up creating just more and more fear as well as I start to feel more and more isolated and alone and abandoned. Completely ALONE within myself, trapped within fear for myself.
I mean at the end of the day all that it is, is just self-interest. Yet I have always defined myself according to this experience of intense FEAR. Believing that point of absolute self-interest as separation to be 'me'. BELIEVING myself to BE separated and isolated and alone. Not realizing or recognizing that I am actually not alone at all. That other beings are here with me. But I've just separated myself in an alternate dimension in my mind composed of nothing but FEAR, that I don't even see REALITY - but only see what the fear makes me FEEL.
But I mean I CHOSE to separate myself from life, from reality, by participating in and defining myself in and as this point of fear in the mind. By even creating some sort of personality design out of it, believing the experience and the thoughts to be who I truly am. I chose to not stand here, in equality and togetherness with life as the beings around me, but to rather make everything about ME in the mind. Only MY existence. Saying basically that 'I don't care about anything or anyone other than ME'. As long as I am alright and as long as nothing bad happens to ME. A complete obsession with ME ME ME, and fuck everybody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this mind programming of ultimate self-interest as this intense experience of fear connected with these panicky thoughts of 'but what about me?' and 'what will happen to ME!' -- wherein, at the end of the day, I will always only worry or care about myself in and as the I of consciousness, in separation of all of existence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this experience of intense fear and panic, connected with thoughts of 'whats going to happen to me?!' is who I really am -- that this is my actual voice inside myself -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it is just a mind programming of and as separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to separate myself from all of existence as me by choosing to go into and participate in and define myself in and as this programming of panic and fear and worry about myself --- instead of seeing and realizing what I am doing as extreme self-interest, and rather worrying about all of existence as me and so standing and realizing myself in and as equality and togetherness
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to worry about and concern myself with the fate of all of existence in oneness and equality and realize that what happens to others happens to me as existence -- and so to not accept this experience of fear and panic wherein i separate myself from all of existence and seclude and isolate myself into this little tiny bubble of 'self-awareness' in and as the mind, feeling all alone in and as fear
I forgive myself that i have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I am not actually alone or isolated or separated but that I just never cared enough about other beings in oneness and equality with myself to see and realize it -- as I've always only really cared and worried about ME, as in MY survival and comfort and experiences and fate and safety
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that real safety and comfort and security only exists if it's for ALL in oneness and equality -- and that as long as I am only worried and concerned about ME in and as the I of consciousness, as MY 'survival', I'll always actually end up feeling fearful as in unsafe and uncomfortable and alone and isolated and abandoned
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this point of absolute self-interest and to believe that this is who I really am because it's what exists inside and as me -- and because it's what I accepted and allowed to exist in and as me
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that if anything it's just based on misguidedness and illusions - because if I realized how the mind really works and what real safety and security is, then I would not be participating in this programming, but I'd worry about all of existence and work on creating a world that is best for all in oneness and equality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any way even consider believing the illusions in and of this mind programming - that somehow I am just keeping myself safe and just looking out for me -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that if anything, I actually end up feeling even more unsafe, as in fearful and separated and isolated and alone -- and that to create real safety, is not through participating in FEAR, but through actually caring about and considering my environment, as all of existence as me, and so actually creating and establishing a 'safe' environment, that is best for everyone --- because at the end of the day, fear only creates fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality of FEAR by participating in FEAR in and as the belief that I am just trying to create 'safety' for myself -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it's actually all in reverse and that what I am busy creating is separation, isolation, abandonment, aloneness as that is what I am busy participating in
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to, rather than thinking and worrying about ME, to instead think and worry about EXISTENCE -- and so include 'all' in and as 'me' -- and so within and as that 'worry' I'm not just sort of losing myself in an experience of fear, but am rather practically looking at what needs to happen or what I need to do to support all of existence and create a world that is best for all as me
I forgive myself that I've never accepted and allowed myself to recognize 'all' in and as 'me' and so to worry about 'all' in and as 'me' -- actually considering all of existence when I consider 'myself', rather than existing in separation
When and as I see this mind programming come up in me, where I go into this intense point of fear and I feel like I am small and tiny inside myself just in this point of fear and panic of being so worried about and thinking about myself and my fate and survival and fearful that something might happen to me --- then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that even though it FEELS like this is the 'real me' because it is basically the epitome of consciousness, as this intensified and compressed energy of fear in the deepest part of me -- it's actually a mind consciousness system program that's the illusion of safety and security and comfort wherein i essentially believe that I am 'just looking out for myself' and 'just trying to keep myself safe'
where I see and realize and understand that real safety or security will not come about through participating in fear and that if anything, by participating in fear and panic, I'm actually creating the opposite of safety and security - as separation, isolation, abandonment and aloneness --- and that real safety and security is through considering and 'worrying' about all of existence, and placing all of existence first, making sure that I am actually physically creating a world that is best for all of existence, where safety and security are a real actual reality
I see and realize and understand that real safety and security comes about through standing as all of existence and considering all of existence as me, where there is no separation between 'me' and 'existence'
I see and realize and understand that this mind programming of intense fear and self-interest isn't really who I am but more just something I've been duped into -- wherein I am not being aware or am not considering or seeing what I am actually busy creating by participating in it - because I never understood the mind or who I really am as I never took responsibility for myself as existence --- and that if anything, I've just been a puppet in and of the mind, essentially powering the unified mind consciousness system, and have never existed as who I really am as existence itself in oneness and equality
I commit myself to worry and care about all of existence and to stand as all of existence as me and to live 'safety' and 'security' in terms of worrying about and concerning myself with what's actually practically needed to create a physical world that's best for all -- wherein safety and security are actually REAL for all of existence
I commit myself to, rather than making myself really tiny and small in and as this alternate dimension in the mind of fear and panic in and as the I of consciousness -- to rather make myself BIG and expand myself in terms of standing as all of existence and realizing all of existence as me, and taking responsibility for all of existence as me and for 'looking out for' and 'taking care of' all of existence as me
I commit myself to actively work on creating and developing real safety and security in and as this physical existence -- to live in such a way where I consider all of existence as me and am a living example of what life on earth should be and of who we really are as beings -- living in the name of all of existence in oneness and equality
I commit myself to live the words safety and security in a way that is real and practical and considers all of existence as me -- and in a way that will therefore expel fear
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Friday, July 17, 2020
I found that I get really affected, as in I get all stressed out and anxious and tense inside, when I feel like certain things are ‘expected’ of me. It’s come up specifically with my QCK business, where people will buy like a color reading or will ask for perspective on a point. And so now I am dealing with a ‘deadline’ where I must finish this ‘product’ in a specific time, or where I have to basically ‘deliver’ and ‘perform’. And where, even though I do have the ability and the skill, I’ll still go into this anxiety about creating/delivering this product and doing this thing.
But then, because QCK and the color readings is such a new kind of thing, that I have and very much still am developing and exploring, I sometimes come across things I haven’t experienced or seen before. Where I still need to walk somewhat of a process of sort of feeling in the dark and figuring out how to do it or what it is. That’s when the anxiety and stress really kicks in. But not just that, there is also an impatience and sort of irritated way that I handle and react to myself. Where I EXPECT myself to DELIVER things in a certain specific way, regardless of the fact that I’m actually still figuring things out and that realistically I can’t really say what the finished product will be necessarily. Cause I’m still walking it and creating it as I go.
So yeah, from that perspective I am dealing with UNREALISTIC expectations, cause I’ve got this image in my head of what I’m ‘expecting’ myself to be creating, while in reality that’s just not how it works. In reality, to be honest when it comes to QCK and the color readings, it is ALWAYS different lol. Really I never know what to expect. And that is also the cool thing about it. It is something I enjoy. That aspect of exploration and uncovering and getting to know new and different aspects of reality through QCK sessions and reading colors. I learn a lot through it all.
But yes I am noticing that there is this ‘programming’ in my mind of having these ‘expectations’. As if I’m this ‘factory’ that’s programmed to always just produce the same thing over and over and over again. While, sure in a way that’s the idea of it. When it comes to any business, you do want things to be ‘automated’ in a way so that you can expect to get a certain product and so you and your customers know what to expect. BUT in a way I’m not there yet. Cause I’m still BUILDING my business, as I am also still building myself in a way, and my abilities and skills.
So, why am I on my case like this? Pressuring and rushing and pushing myself within something that I am still only LEARNING. Why am I not leaving the space open so to speak, within understanding and patience, for the process I’m walking? Having EXPECTATIONS that do not meet REALITY. That have nothing to do with what I am actually busy doing in fact. Expectations that are more a relic in a way of the ‘old programming’. The old programming in terms of where as a person you’re essentially an organic robot from the moment you are born. And your output is equal to the input.
Where your parents and family and the school system as society take full advantage of the fact that they can program you to their liking. That by putting in a certain ‘input’, they can expect a certain ‘output’. And everything about your ‘growing’ up is just a regurgitation of what’s being ‘put into you’. You’re expected to perform according to how you’ve been programmed. Because, you are an organic robot, and that is the purpose of an organic robot. You are not actually ‘alive’. You are not an actual ‘individual’.
BUT when you’re in a process of SELF-creation, that’s a whole different ball-game. Can’t really have those ‘expectations’ necessarily. Not when it comes to points you’re still opening up, exploring, getting to know and developing. I mean you can only have ‘expectations’ in relation to things that you already understand. When you already have an insight and understanding of how something works and exists. And you need to be real with yourself about the things that you do and the things you don’t yet understand fully. And so the things you can realistically ‘expect’ of yourself. And where you actually need space, patience and understanding.
So especially in relation to the experiences of irritation and impatience and anxiety and stress with regards to expecting a certain ‘performance’, you might want to look into where you’re approaching things from within the ‘old programming’, and are having expectations without real understanding or insight of things, or where you’re still having to develop specific skills and abilities and are thus in no position to expect anything yet. Cause you’re no organic robot. I mean you are lol, but you are also still learning to be your own creator. And that needs an entirely different approach from what you’re used to. It needs patience, understanding and space, instead of pushiness, rushedness and pressure.
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous post "To Accept Failure"
I've always thought of myself as a very genuine person. Someone who does her best to be open and honest and straightforward. Who doesn't harbor nasty thoughts about others and who can be trusted. This is who I 'genuinely' believed I was as a person. But with the support of my body, I realized that the reality was quite the opposite. With the support of my body, meaning that it's only cause I noticed this weird pimple, but-not-quite-a-pimple, looking thing on my left upper leg today and then looked into the related mind-point of it that this realization opened up. The realization that 'I am not genuine AT ALL'.
That in fact, all of my being 'genuine', and 'open' and 'honest' and 'trustworthy', has actually always been based on one singular point within myself. That point being the 'desire to be a good person'. And if there is one thing that is extremely disingenuous or that cause one to be disingenuous, it's that. The desire to be a good person, so that my soul may go to heaven after I die. That's what it comes down to.
Where, I am not open with others because I truly care about them. I am not honest or kind or understanding because I truly care about others. My real motivation is this one point inside me that everything sort of revolves around. 'Please God I want to be a 'good person' so that I may be rewarded in the end.' And that one point existing within me basically makes everything I do, no matter how 'good' or 'right' it all may seem, completely disingenuous and deceptive.
Because, when I am interacting and communicating and hanging out with other people, I am not truly WITH them, with my presence and awareness and full being in that moment, connecting with that person, and expressing who I am, all of me, in and as that one moment. No, I am actually in some alternate dimension in the back of my mind thinking about 'my soul' and 'my future' and 'after I die' and 'I just want to be good' and 'I hope I go to heaven'. Where, it's all truly about ME, ME, ME and whether my dear little soul will be saved in the end. Always really looking out for number one.
So obviously, when I realized this, it was quite a shock actually. Cause I truly believed I am a 'genuine person' lol. Turns out I'm actually quite deceptive, self-interested, manipulative, self-involved and abusive. Hiding behind these lies I tell myself about who I am so that I can keep that feeling of 'hope' alive, that all will be well for me in the end. That 'I'll get to go to heaven in the end cause I'm a good person'. Not actually LIVING the word GENUINE, but more BELIEVING that I am this word, so I can feel good. I mean it's the ultimate self-interest. The ultimate deception. I'm like the last person who deserves to 'go to heaven', turns out.
So, what does it really mean to be 'genuine', and to live GENUINE as a living word? It means to basically let go of FEAR. Cause fear is where self-interest starts. And just like the 'self-interest programming', I've also copied the 'fear programming' from my family. It's again going back to times of war. Times where my ancestors went through horrible things, experienced lack and loss and many things that made them go into this sense of fear and panic as the survival mind. You know, that point where you just want to SURVIVE, and all you can think of is yourself and just finding some point of safety and comfort for yourself. That's what war does. It drives people into ultimate self-interest through ultimate fear as SURVIVAL.
It creates that attitude of 'I must build walls around me to protect myself and my possessions. I cannot ever truly relax or be open or let my walls down because this world is a dangerous place that I must always protect myself from.' An attitude which I then copied from my family without question. Where even now, long after the war, I am living that same mind-set of 'Cannot relax. Must keep my walls up to protect myself and survive.'
But I mean fear is no excuse. It never was. Because war is only the manifested consequence of allowing fear to create division and separation and self-interest. And so the snake eats its own tail. So to be genuine is to find ways to, REGARDLESS of fear and panic, relax, and be open and unconditional. To live the SOLUTION. The solution to end all war, rather than recycling the problems over and over and over again through FEAR.
Monday, July 13, 2020
This is a continuation from my previous post "To Be Different"