Thursday, July 30, 2020

Emergency Color Reading

In this blog I'm just sharing a color reading I did for myself the other day. Which is something I started doing as a point of support for just those moments when I feel quite 'stuck' in a particular experience or point and I am just not seeing a solution or a 'way out'. I'll just test out a color to offer guidance and perspective from my being or the universe or whatever lol. From whatever 'deeper me' or 'deeper self' that already sees the answer and can then, through a color, come through to show me what it is I should be realizing and seeing to get myself 'unstuck'. I've found it quite a convenient and helpful tool for myself, so I created the 'Emergency Color Reading' on Space of Grace, so others can have access to it as well.

Anyways, the other day I was just feeling PARTICULARLY stuck in something. We're talking straight-up despair, hopelessness, helplessness, disempowerment. All that good stuff. So I thought 'fuck it', 'I'M TESTING OUT A COLOR FOR THIS SHIT'. I didn't feel like particularly spending too much time in the whole experience. I mean, the experience felt REAL. Yet there was a part of me that was also like "Weeell, but maybe it's not..." 

I've had my run-ins with the mind before and usually, even when something FEELS very REAL, as if you're going to just be feeling that way forever-and-ever, it's not ACTUALLY real. But the trick is that you have to sort of find the right insight, realization or understanding to have that 'aha' moment that kind of pulls you out of the experience and returns you 'back to normal'. And that's not always so easy.

I mean I'm not saying that a color reading is going to magically change everything, BUT it can definitely be a 'vital support'. A little perspective can go a long way sometimes to quantify your ability to transcend something. 

Like this color that tested out for me for instance. It really touched on a much deeper point that's been an issue throughout my life, as well as showing me a solution. And it does make a lot of sense, in terms of how I can support myself to avoid getting myself stuck into those moments of despair/hopelessness/helplessness/disempowerment. So I'm quite grateful to have this support, of color readings, at my disposal. It's been quite an interesting and eye-opening journey so far with the color readings.

Now without further ado, enjoy this color reading :)

In this color it's almost like, it's not really a positive or a negative. It's 'neither here nor there'. Kind of like being 'in between' everything. Not good or bad, not positive or negative, not right or wrong. Not particularly here or there or anywhere. 

Because, you have this 'want' to go into something 'positive'. So this color is also showing the solution as the 'stopping' of it, of that 'want'. Like bumping into a ceiling when you're wanting to float upwards. Like a, "nope, not going there". Not letting yourself float off into anything 'positive', as in not letting yourself create anything 'more' than what is actually simply 'here'. Not letting yourself drift off into those positive feelings. But staying more grounded and 'anchored' into the more 'boring' or 'monotonous' or 'same old' reality that's just here. A reality that's not particularly 'positive' or 'exciting' and that's not really anything in particular.

Almost like forcibly holding and keeping yourself HERE. Because, you're at the same time struggling to break free and escape, as you WANT to float off into the 'positive'. It's like this automatic, constant and immediate movement of just "I want to feel positive!" Like a helium balloon that just wants to float upwards all the time, and that WILL drift off if you let it.

So it's an acceptance of life as being 'boring' in a way, as in just without all the ups and downs - mostly the ups. And putting a stop to the constant looking for excitement. The constant looking for some sense of stimulation, to stir up some kind of reaction inside. Kind of like being a parent to yourself and just saying 'NO' to that little energy demon that needs and wants to be constantly entertained. That always wants things to be 'happening' and 'going on' and will even deliberately go and look for and create 'drama' and 'conflict', even if it's just imaginary, just to trigger some reactions and stir up some energy internally.

Like putting yourself in 'time out', making an effort to make sure that you 'keep a lid on' that automatic tendency to ALWAYS, constantly and continuously want energy, excitement and stimulation. Cause it's like a personality design at this point. Something you've developed throughout your life and has become part of just the 'inner you', to the point that you're usually not even aware of it. It's an 'energy addiction' that's become completely integrated, because you've developed it throughout your 'developing' years. So at this point you believe that that little voice going "I NEED energy/excitement/stimulation" is the real you.

And so in a way because of that, you also don't really know how to not be that way. How to 'calm yourself down' and ground yourself. And you've even tried many things in your life to ground yourself and just create that sense of being 'settled' inside, but you don't feel like much of it has really worked. On the inside you still feel like you could just jump out of your own skin in every moment. Just 'wound up', 'tensed up', 'excitable' and almost 'vibrating'.

So you need to find things that 'relax' you. That create that sort of 'stable lifestyle'. A structure, a repetitive pattern to live by. Where there is in other words not much happening that's 'out of the ordinary'. Because, you want 'ordinary'. You want 'plain'. You want things being the same every day to an extent. Predictability. Like back when you went to school, or when you're at work. There's never anything 'exciting' happening because it's always the same structure and repetitive pattern. Same thing, day in and day out. So draw up a schedule, map out your day, inject some physical exercises to get into your body more. Don't give your mind a chance to hijack the moment by going into a 'lull' or 'not having anything to do' or 'not knowing what to do'. You want to always be ahead of yourself in terms of keeping your focus on the physical reality.

Don't want to really have that 'leisure time' where you're left 'twiddling your thumbs'. Cause that's when the mind will take that as an opportunity to just find some 'shit to stir up', in terms of bringing up thoughts and reactions. Since you're not doing anything in physical reality, the mind will just 'keep you busy'. And that's where you'll then end up 'floating off' into a whole bunch of mental constructs and experiences that aren't actually real. Just cause you gave your mind an opening. You left a moment 'unchecked' and didn't see the mind lurking around the corner as a wolf in sheep's clothing. Seemingly so innocent with its thoughts and energies seeping in, but it'll really do a number on you.

So you may never have liked structure, or school or work or anything having to do with that physical repetition and predictability, but sweetie it's what you dearly need. So find some things to do, pour them into a structure, don't give your mind a chance to bounce around. You want to know what you're doing at pretty much every moment of your day. Be your own school teacher, your own parent, your own employer and give yourself direction, structure and tasks. You have to be both the one creating the structure, as the one executing it.

AND, time to start realizing that structure isn't 'bad for you' lol. That maybe you more used to resent structure because of the WAY that it was 'forced upon you', without much context or explanation or guidance. Where you felt as though you were a 'feral cat being shoved into a cage', in a 'not-so-pleasant' way. And maybe your life of avoiding structure was more a rebellion against just the way the structure had been introduced to you early on, not necessarily against structure itself.

Because, EVERYTHING is and has structure. Life is structure. From all the cells in the body, to even an atomic level. Reality operates according to structure. So if you want to be part of life, you need to have and live and move according to structure. Even the mind has structure. It's just hidden under such thoughts and experiences like "I don't need structure!". And that's why the mind can't be trusted lol.

So you need to be supportive of yourself. Obviously it doesn't help when you're trying to bring in structure to your life, while at the same time you're also fighting and battling the structure. That's why it 'never worked' every time you've tried. You need to show you as the 'feral cat' that you're a friend. That the 'cage' is good. It's for protection. It's for safety. It's to be able to relax and find a 'home', and stop being so high-strung all the time. You need to show yourself that 'hey, I'm just here to support.' Here as a friend. Here to lend a hand and offer guidance. And help yourself 'ease into' the structure. So you can shake off those memories of the past where 'structure' meant 'being forced' and 'being pressured' and 'not being considered', and develop a new relationship with structure in your life. One that honors you and is truly 'what's best for you'.

Because no, just letting yourself run around like a 'feral cat', without any structure or guidance and without being grounded into reality, is not what's 'best' for you. It's an illusion of 'freedom' in the mind, that's more just a REACTION to feeling like you've been forced to do things you didn't want to do. A reaction to feeling like your voice was not being heard or considered within whatever 'structure' you felt you were being 'forced into'. It's like Peter Pan and the Lost Boys who chased that idea of absolute 'freedom', yet were still left yearning for a 'mother' and a 'home' at the end of the day. They just came from 'broken homes'. From orphanages, and places where they felt they were not being considered by their environment. And they rebelled against that. But what they really wanted and needed deep down, was just to know that the 'structure' they were expected to live was truly 'for their own good'. To just know they're being loved and cared for and considered, and then they would have been happy to stick around, and do what was expected of them. They wouldn't have felt the need to venture off to some magical 'second star from the right' alternate universe where none of the rules of reality apply. They would have found 'freedom' right where they are, within 'structure'.

Monday, July 20, 2020

but what will happen to me?!

 This is a continuation of my previous post "I am NOT Responsible"

this is a programming of basically intense fear.  Intense fear which sort of compacts and compresses me inside until I feel really really small. And I am just this tiny point of fear inside myself that is existent in the point of 'but, but what about me?? What will happen to me??' As a point of just being very fearful of what might happen to me. Very fearful of my own 'fate'.

And it's so all-consuming that within this fear, i separate myself from basically all of existence, all of life and become just so super 'small' and 'tiny' inside myself. Just smaller and smaller within this one point of fear of 'but, but,...', 'what about me??'

It is like the epitome of separation and consciousness.  The epitome of self-interestedness because I am literally only concerned and worried about ME. MY fate, MY future, MY experiences. What will happen to ME. And it's interesting because by going into this fear, I only separate myself even more and more from my environment - and within that separation end up creating just more and more fear as well as I start to feel more and more isolated and alone and abandoned. Completely ALONE within myself, trapped within fear for myself.

I mean at the end of the day all that it is, is just self-interest. Yet I have always defined myself according to this experience of intense FEAR. Believing that point of absolute self-interest as separation to be 'me'. BELIEVING myself to BE separated and isolated and alone. Not realizing or recognizing that I am actually not alone at all. That other beings are here with me. But I've just separated myself in an alternate dimension in my mind composed of nothing but FEAR, that I don't even see REALITY - but only see what the fear makes me FEEL.

But I mean I CHOSE to separate myself from life, from reality, by participating in and defining myself in and as this point of fear in the mind. By even creating some sort of personality design out of it, believing the experience and the thoughts to be who I truly am. I chose to not stand here, in equality and togetherness with life as the beings around me, but to rather make everything about ME in the mind. Only MY existence. Saying basically that 'I don't care about anything or anyone other than ME'. As long as I am alright and as long as nothing bad happens to ME. A complete obsession with ME ME ME, and fuck everybody else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this mind programming of ultimate self-interest as this intense experience of fear connected with these panicky thoughts of 'but what about me?' and 'what will happen to ME!' -- wherein, at the end of the day, I will always only worry or care about myself in and as the I of consciousness, in separation of all of existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this experience of intense fear and panic, connected with thoughts of 'whats going to happen to me?!' is who I really am -- that this is my actual voice inside myself  -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it is just a mind programming of and as separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to separate myself from all of existence as me by choosing to go into and participate in and define myself in and as this programming of panic and fear and worry about myself --- instead of seeing and realizing what I am doing as extreme self-interest, and rather worrying about all of existence as me and so standing and realizing myself in and as equality and togetherness

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to worry about and concern myself with the fate of all of existence in oneness and equality and realize that what happens to others happens to me as existence -- and so to not accept this experience of fear and panic wherein i separate myself from all of existence and seclude and isolate myself into this little tiny bubble of 'self-awareness' in and as the mind, feeling all alone in and as fear

I forgive myself that i have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I am not actually alone or isolated or separated but that I just never cared enough about other beings in oneness and equality with myself to see and realize it -- as I've always only really cared and worried about ME, as in MY survival and comfort and experiences and fate and safety

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that real safety and comfort and security only exists if it's for ALL in oneness and equality -- and that as long as I am only worried and concerned about ME in and as the I of consciousness, as MY 'survival', I'll always actually end up feeling fearful as in unsafe and uncomfortable and alone and isolated and abandoned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this point of absolute self-interest and to believe that this is who I really am because it's what exists inside and as me -- and because it's what I accepted and allowed to exist in and as me

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that if anything it's just based on misguidedness and illusions - because if I realized how the mind really works and what real safety and security is, then I would not be participating in this programming, but I'd worry about all of existence and work on creating a world that is best for all in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any way even consider believing the illusions in and of this mind programming - that somehow I am just keeping myself safe and just looking out for me -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that if anything, I actually end up feeling even more unsafe, as in fearful and separated and isolated and alone -- and that to create real safety, is not through participating in FEAR, but through actually caring about and considering my environment, as all of existence as me, and so actually creating and establishing a 'safe' environment, that is best for everyone --- because at the end of the day, fear only creates fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality of FEAR by participating in FEAR in and as the belief that I am just trying to create 'safety' for myself -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it's actually all in reverse and that what I am busy creating is separation, isolation, abandonment, aloneness as that is what I am busy participating in

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to, rather than thinking and worrying about ME, to instead think and worry about EXISTENCE -- and so include 'all' in and as 'me' -- and so within and as that 'worry' I'm not just sort of losing myself in an experience of fear, but am rather practically looking at what needs to happen or what I need to do to support all of existence and create a world that is best for all as me

I forgive myself that I've never accepted and allowed myself to recognize 'all' in and as 'me' and so to worry about 'all' in and as 'me' -- actually considering all of existence when I consider 'myself', rather than existing in separation

When and as I see this mind programming come up in me, where I go into this intense point of fear and I feel like I am small and tiny inside myself just in this point of fear and panic of being so worried about and thinking about myself and my fate and survival and fearful that something might happen to me --- then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that even though it FEELS like this is the 'real me' because it is basically the epitome of consciousness, as this intensified and compressed energy of fear in the deepest part of me -- it's actually a mind consciousness system program that's the illusion of safety and security and comfort wherein i essentially believe that I am 'just looking out for myself' and 'just trying to keep myself safe'

where I see and realize and understand that real safety or security will not come about through participating in fear and that if anything, by participating in fear and panic, I'm actually creating the opposite of safety and security - as separation, isolation, abandonment and aloneness --- and that real safety and security is through considering and 'worrying' about all of existence, and placing all of existence first, making sure that I am actually physically creating a world that is best for all of existence, where safety and security are a real actual reality

I see and realize and understand that real safety and security comes about through standing as all of existence and considering all of existence as me, where there is no separation between 'me' and 'existence'

I see and realize and understand that this mind programming of intense fear and self-interest isn't really who I am but more just something I've been duped into -- wherein I am not being aware or am not considering or seeing what I am actually busy creating by participating in it - because I never understood the mind or who I really am as I never took responsibility for myself as existence --- and that if anything, I've just been a puppet in and of the mind, essentially powering the unified mind consciousness system, and have never existed as who I really am as existence itself in oneness and equality

I commit myself to worry and care about all of existence and to stand as all of existence as me and to live 'safety' and 'security' in terms of worrying about and concerning myself with what's actually practically needed to create a physical world that's best for all -- wherein safety and security are actually REAL for all of existence

I commit myself to, rather than making myself really tiny and small in and as this alternate dimension in the mind of fear and panic in and as the I of consciousness -- to rather make myself BIG and expand myself in terms of standing as all of existence and realizing all of existence as me, and taking responsibility for all of existence as me and for 'looking out for' and 'taking care of' all of existence as me

I commit myself to actively work on creating and developing real safety and security in and as this physical existence -- to live in such a way where I consider all of existence as me and am a living example of what life on earth should be and of who we really are as beings -- living in the name of all of existence in oneness and equality

I commit myself to live the words safety and security in a way that is real and practical and considers all of existence as me -- and in a way that will therefore expel fear

Sunday, July 19, 2020

I Am NOT Responsible

This is a continuation of my previous post "Unrealistic Expectations"

Lately I have been getting more ‘hands-on’ with a particular programming that’s always been there on like a very very ‘quantum mind’ kind of level. Quantum mind, meaning that it’s just so much ‘me’ – so much part of just my automated reactions and experiences of and within myself – that I don’t even SEE that this is me. Or may be somewhat aware of in general terms, but cannot seem to put my finger on exactly when or how I am participating in it, which makes it very difficult to actually CHANGE it.

But then, these quantum mind programmings just take their time to sort of ‘unravel’ themselves, enough for me to finally be able to get more down-and-practical with them. Where I’m like ‘hah, I see you now! Time to start directing this mofo!’ So this particular mofo is this interesting sort of personality design that I have copied from my mother’s side (which is also something I’m only now more clearly SEEING – in terms of it quite literally just being  a PROGRAMMING that’s been developed and passed down throughout generations). And it is a design of ‘not ever taking ANY responsibility’. BUT it’s also a very peculiar and tricky design. Because it hides behind a personality design of believing myself to be VERY responsible lol.

With the ‘common denominator’ in it all just being how the word ‘responsibility’ has come to be defined within my mind. Where I will for instance believe that I am a ‘very responsible’ individual, because I ‘always try to do the right thing’. I have a ‘righteousness complex’ in terms always doing my very best to ‘do right by’ other people and sort of ‘doing everything right’, within who I am as a person in relation to other people. Doing everything right basically so that NO ONE CAN EVER BLAME ME FOR ANYTHING. So I can never be held ‘responsible’ for anything. And anything that happens, it’ll always be someone else’s responsibility. Cause hey, I’ve just been doing my very best to ‘do everything right’ so don’t look at me.

So essentially that means that anything I go through internally, like when I feel hurt or am reacting, it must be because the other person isn’t ‘understanding’ or ‘considerate’ or ‘respectful’, and so not doing THEIR best to ‘treat me right’. To take ‘responsibility’ for ME, the way I take responsibility for THEM. So within all this I am not taking any responsibility for ME. Because I’ve defined ‘responsibility’ within ‘blame’, wherein I am basically just trying to make sure that I don’t ever get blamed for anything. That I am always doing everything ‘right’. And that thus, I can always be in a position to blame everybody else for anything that goes ‘wrong’. That I can always go ‘well I feel hurt because of what that THAT person did’. Rather than it being ‘I feel hurt because of what I am doing to myself internally. Which would be ACTUAL responsibility.

ACTUAL responsibility, having nothing to do with ‘blame’, but being simply about the realization and understanding that I AM ALONE.  And that everything that ‘happens’, everything that is ‘here’, is me. And so I am always ‘responsible’ for EVERYTHING. Blame, or ‘fault’, has nothing to do with it, it’s just FACT. A fact that has long been ignored. And so now yes we are in this mess. Now there’s lots to take responsibility for. Lots to go through and face and realize ourselves as responsible. Lots of those automatic reactions of blaming another for things I’m experiencing to now direct, and realize that it’s really never about anyone ‘else’. There’s only me.

Friday, July 17, 2020

Unrealistic Expectations

I found that I get really affected, as in I get all stressed out and anxious and tense inside, when I feel like certain things are ‘expected’ of me. It’s come up specifically with my QCK business, where people will buy like a color reading or will ask for perspective on a point. And so now I am dealing with a ‘deadline’ where I must finish this ‘product’ in a specific time, or where I have to basically ‘deliver’ and ‘perform’. And where, even though I do have the ability and the skill, I’ll still go into this anxiety about creating/delivering this product and doing this thing.


But then, because QCK and the color readings is such a new kind of thing, that I have and very much still am developing and exploring, I sometimes come across things I haven’t experienced or seen before. Where I still need to walk somewhat of a process of sort of feeling in the dark and figuring out how to do it or what it is. That’s when the anxiety and stress really kicks in. But not just that, there is also an impatience and sort of irritated way that I handle and react to myself. Where I EXPECT myself to DELIVER things in a certain specific way, regardless of the fact that I’m actually still figuring things out and that realistically I can’t really say what the finished product will be necessarily. Cause I’m still walking it and creating it as I go.


So yeah, from that perspective I am dealing with UNREALISTIC expectations, cause I’ve got this image in my head of what I’m ‘expecting’ myself to be creating, while in reality that’s just not how it works. In reality, to be honest when it comes to QCK and the color readings, it is ALWAYS different lol. Really I never know what to expect. And that is also the cool thing about it. It is something I enjoy. That aspect of exploration and uncovering and getting to know new and different aspects of reality through QCK sessions and reading colors. I learn a lot through it all.


But yes I am noticing that there is this ‘programming’ in my mind of having these ‘expectations’. As if I’m this ‘factory’ that’s programmed to always just produce the same thing over and over and over again. While, sure in a way that’s the idea of it. When it comes to any business, you do want things to be ‘automated’ in a way so that you can expect to get a certain product and so you and your customers know what to expect. BUT in a way I’m not there yet. Cause I’m still BUILDING my business, as I am also still building myself in a way, and my abilities and skills.


So, why am I on my case like this? Pressuring and rushing and pushing myself within something that I am still only LEARNING. Why am I not leaving the space open so to speak, within understanding and patience, for the process I’m walking? Having EXPECTATIONS that do not meet REALITY. That have nothing to do with what I am actually busy doing in fact. Expectations that are more a relic in a way of the ‘old programming’. The old programming in terms of where as a person you’re essentially an organic robot from the moment you are born. And your output is equal to the input.


Where your parents and family and the school system as society take full advantage of the fact that they can program you to their liking. That by putting in a certain ‘input’, they can expect a certain ‘output’. And everything about your ‘growing’ up is just a regurgitation of what’s being ‘put into you’. You’re expected to perform according to how you’ve been programmed. Because, you are an organic robot, and that is the purpose of an organic robot. You are not actually ‘alive’. You are not an actual ‘individual’.


BUT when you’re in a process of SELF-creation, that’s a whole different ball-game. Can’t really have those ‘expectations’ necessarily. Not when it comes to points you’re still opening up, exploring, getting to know and developing. I mean you can only have ‘expectations’ in relation to things that you already understand. When you already have an insight and understanding of how something works and exists. And you need to be real with yourself about the things that you do and the things you don’t yet understand fully. And so the things you can realistically ‘expect’ of yourself. And where you actually need space, patience and understanding.


So especially in relation to the experiences of irritation and impatience and anxiety and stress with regards to expecting a certain ‘performance’, you might want to look into where you’re approaching things from within the ‘old programming’, and are having expectations without real understanding or insight of things, or where you’re still having to develop specific skills and abilities and are thus in no position to expect anything yet. Cause you’re no organic robot. I mean you are lol, but you are also still learning to be your own creator. And that needs an entirely different approach from what you’re used to. It needs patience, understanding and space, instead of pushiness, rushedness and pressure.

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

To Be Genuine

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Accept Failure"

I've always thought of myself as a very genuine person. Someone who does her best to be open and honest and straightforward. Who doesn't harbor nasty thoughts about others and who can be trusted. This is who I 'genuinely' believed I was as a person. But with the support of my body, I realized that the reality was quite the opposite. With the support of my body, meaning that it's only cause I noticed this weird pimple, but-not-quite-a-pimple, looking thing on my left upper leg today and then looked into the related mind-point of it that this realization opened up. The realization that 'I am not genuine AT ALL'.

That in fact, all of my being 'genuine', and 'open' and 'honest' and 'trustworthy', has actually always been based on one singular point within myself. That point being the 'desire to be a good person'. And if there is one thing that is extremely disingenuous or that cause one to be disingenuous, it's that. The desire to be a good person, so that my soul may go to heaven after I die. That's what it comes down to.

Where, I am not open with others because I truly care about them. I am not honest or kind or understanding because I truly care about others. My real motivation is this one point inside me that everything sort of revolves around. 'Please God I want to be a 'good person' so that I may be rewarded in the end.' And that one point existing within me basically makes everything I do, no matter how 'good' or 'right' it all may seem, completely disingenuous and deceptive.

Because, when I am interacting and communicating and hanging out with other people, I am not truly WITH them, with my presence and awareness and full being in that moment, connecting with that person, and expressing who I am, all of me, in and as that one moment. No, I am actually in some alternate dimension in the back of my mind thinking about 'my soul' and 'my future' and 'after I die' and 'I just want to be good' and 'I hope I go to heaven'. Where, it's all truly about ME, ME, ME and whether my dear little soul will be saved in the end. Always really looking out for number one.

So obviously, when I realized this, it was quite a shock actually. Cause I truly believed I am a 'genuine person' lol. Turns out I'm actually quite deceptive, self-interested, manipulative, self-involved and abusive. Hiding behind these lies I tell myself about who I am so that I can keep that feeling of 'hope' alive, that all will be well for me in the end. That 'I'll get to go to heaven in the end cause I'm a good person'. Not actually LIVING the word GENUINE, but more BELIEVING that I am this word, so I can feel good. I mean it's the ultimate self-interest. The ultimate deception. I'm like the last person who deserves to 'go to heaven', turns out.

So, what does it really mean to be 'genuine', and to live GENUINE as a living word? It means to basically let go of FEAR. Cause fear is where self-interest starts. And just like the 'self-interest programming', I've also copied the 'fear programming' from my family. It's again going back to times of war. Times where my ancestors went through horrible things, experienced lack and loss and many things that made them go into this sense of fear and panic as the survival mind. You know, that point where you just want to SURVIVE, and all you can think of is yourself and just finding some point of safety and comfort for yourself. That's what war does. It drives people into ultimate self-interest through ultimate fear as SURVIVAL.

It creates that attitude of 'I must build walls around me to protect myself and my possessions. I cannot ever truly relax or be open or let my walls down because this world is a dangerous place that I must always protect myself from.' An attitude which I then copied from my family without question. Where even now, long after the war, I am living that same mind-set of 'Cannot relax. Must keep my walls up to protect myself and survive.'

But I mean fear is no excuse. It never was. Because war is only the manifested consequence of allowing fear to create division and separation and self-interest. And so the snake eats its own tail. So to be genuine is to find ways to, REGARDLESS of fear and panic, relax, and be open and unconditional. To live the SOLUTION. The solution to end all war, rather than recycling the problems over and over and over again through FEAR.

Monday, July 13, 2020

To Accept Failure

This is a continuation from my previous post "To Be Different"

To touch back on what I wrote about a few days ago, in terms of the pain in my side and the associated ‘mind-point’ of defining myself as ‘different’. I mean this point of being ‘different’ has in a way been a ‘polarity’ for me throughout my life. In that I felt ‘different’ in a negative way for most of my early childhood, into my teens. I had all these thoughts and beliefs in my mind about myself being ‘good for nothing’, being a ‘failure’, being inferior and less than everybody else. Feeling ‘different’ in terms of ‘less than everyone’. And then into puberty and early adulthood I started to actually make a positive out of the negative, developing a personality design out of being ‘different’ as something that apparently made me ‘special’. Yeah it’s pretty weird, but that’s what I did. And that’s what the mind does lol

Rather than being honest with myself about the fact that I felt NEGATIVE, and so resolving those points within myself, so I don’t end up lost in some illusion of ‘different as special’, where I now just become more separated from the world I exist in. Cause when you start thinking that your ‘difference’ makes you ‘special’, or that ‘different’ means ‘special’, you’re in trouble lol. Cause that means you won’t allow yourself to relate to other beings in a normal way anymore since being ‘different’ is now what makes you feel good about yourself. And it’ll be all the more difficult to get to that point of realness with yourself again as you’ve decided you just don’t want to face the negative within yourself anymore. The REAL reasons you think you’re ‘different’. As in you’re not different cause you’re ‘special’, but because you’re a disappointment, a failure, an inferior being.

And you’ll find that your mind will keep switching between those two polarities as well. Where you’ll feel ‘different as special’ the one moment, and then ‘different as inferior’ the next. And it’s hard to just be ‘stable’, to just be ‘you’, and exist in a place of self-acceptance. Cause, in order to get to that ‘you’, you need to actually face the negative and be honest with yourself that how you REALLY feel and how you REALLY see yourself, is not ‘special’, but rather ‘inferior’. And that if anything, you’ll find that as ‘special’ as you experience yourself, you actually feel EQUALLY as inferior/less than. Cause you’ve been COMPENSATING.

So I had a look at this whole point of ‘oh I’m such a failure’ and ‘I’m so much less than everyone else’ that’s been there for so long within me. Almost as long as I can remember. And I thought, well, I’ve been fighting this point for so long and even created a separate personality programming on top of it just so that I could feel a little better about myself and could ignore and suppress these experiences and beliefs within myself. So, let’s say that I am ‘inferior’, and a ‘failure’. You know, maybe I feel that way for a reason. Maybe I feel that way because I AM a failure. And yes, yes, in this world it’s almost bad to say those things about yourself. Because oh no you mustn’t think like that about yourself. You must like yourself and think positively about yourself and accept yourself no matter what. Surely you are NOT a ‘failure’.

But I mean if I for a moment just take out the energy, as in have it not be a pitiful ‘woe is me, I’m such a failure’, but just look at it in a practical, down-to-earth kind of sense. Then yes I can actually realistically conclude that the EXPERIENCE and the THOUGHTS of ‘I’m such a failure’ were on some level based on an ACTUAL realization of myself being, yes, a failure. As in I was ‘failing’ in a lot of areas of myself. A lot of ways in which I was ‘lacking’. In my social skills for example. In my ability to connect and relate to and work together and communicate with others. I was also lacking in many other skills like math or languages and other things I was being taught in school. Lots of things I wasn’t learning and integrating properly. And yes that made me feel inferior and less than others and like I was a failure. But at the same time, I WAS also failing.

But then instead of turning to myself and going ‘ok well let me see how I can support myself to succeed within these points where I’m failing’, I turned it into a pity-party by attaching a feeling/emotion to the point of ‘failure’. Almost like I was trying to sabotage myself so I wouldn’t simply learn and grow and improve myself. Cause that’s why ‘failure’ exists, to simply show you where you need to be supporting yourself more and which parts of yourself you’ve been neglecting or have not developed properly. But because we’ve accepted this culture of emotional coddling where we’re allergic to seeing our own flaws, accepting or considering ‘failure’ somehow becomes something ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ or even ‘hurtful’. Rather than just a reality which, just like anything, is here for us to learn from and understand so we can change and become the best version of ourselves.

Friday, July 10, 2020

To Be Different

This is a continuation of my previous post "Tourettes"

There’s this pain in my side, on the left side of my abdomen, that’s come up today. And I thought I'd also just share here how I work with pains in my body to find the related mind-point. Looking into it, with gauging the intensity/location of it, it’s quite a superficial pain so not penetrating into the depths of the organ there, so its not necessarily a ‘deep’ issue. But it is in my ‘internal organs’ area so indicating that it is part of sort of ‘who I am’ inside. My definition of myself. So something that’s ‘mildly’ paining my existence of ‘who I am’ lol. And when I pressed the point what came up was something I’d been looking at earlier actually. This belief I’ve always had of myself as being ‘different’.

Something that’s always made me feel kind of ‘sad’ and ‘defeated’/’deflated’ within myself. Which was also the sensation/inner experience that came up within me when pressing the point on my body. One major point that’s always been sort of on the forefront of myself, has been this desire to ‘relate’ to other people. Yet, at the same time always coming back to the point of not being able to shake the perception and experience that there’s just ‘something’ that’s ‘different’ about me. That for whatever reason, I seem to be unable to connect with and relate to other people in the way that people seem to generally relate and connect with each other.

I would talk about how I experience myself and how I see things with people, to try and understand or try and figure out what is going on. To try and get to the bottom of what it is and why my experience of myself in this world always seemed just ‘different’. Just in how my mind operated and the things that were in my conscious mind awareness. It’s like, in a way I was like everybody else, but at the same time I wasn’t, in some substantial kind of way.

Not just in how I experienced myself, but also just my general expression. How I respond to things. My ‘social behavior’. And the way my mind processes things. It was always a little ‘off’ lol. Just that little bit ‘different’. Just that little bit ‘shifted’ from what’s ‘normal’. But even just that ‘little bit’ of difference, made all the difference lol. It’s made me go, “WTF is going on here!” for much of my life. And I’m sure it’s what ultimately pushed me to start walking my process with Desteni, to just try and get to the bottom of WTF is going on so I could stop feeling so ‘out of place’ and ‘weird’ and ‘shifted’ all the time. So I could finally answer that question mark that has haunted me and get some sense of stability within myself in terms of just knowing who I am.

So anyways lol, this pain in my abdomen was essentially showing me that I am still busy ‘defining’ myself according to this belief of ‘I am different’, connected with emotional experiences of separation, disconnection, sadness and aloneness. I had already walked some self-forgiveness and had supported myself to come to a realization that pretty much the reason why I’ve always felt so ‘different’, so separated, disconnected, out of place, left out and alone was primarily because I just never had an understanding of things. Not understanding why my mind is the way it is and what the mind is to begin with. Not understanding or seeing how the mind exists and that what made me ‘different’ was more a consequence of certain things that happened in the development of my mind and the integration between my mind, being and body that took place even in the womb.

I’m not ACTUALLY ‘different’. In terms of the mind and how it’s structured and operates, sure, just like with human beings who suffer from mental illnesses, I’m ‘different’. But at the end of the day I am a being, who has been programmed within a mind consciousness system here on earth. And who now must walk their process of self-responsibility. Of figuring it all out for myself. And because of my ‘unique’ and ‘different’ mind my process may be a little different as well. But I mean, the mind is the mind. The system and structure and the building blocks of it is exactly the same in everybody. Sometimes things just happen within a beings life that cause some form of ‘trauma’ to the mind and that create these sort of ‘shifts’ where the mind just develops a little differently than normal. It’s just ‘tough luck’, cause you still need to walk your process with and through your mind the way that it is. At the end of the day it’s what you’ve accepted and allowed so it’s now yours to take responsibility for.

For support with body-pains and with identifying the related mind-points, find me on Space of Grace where I do QCK sessions.