Intense pelvic pains - A QCK perspective

ever since becoming a mom, my menstruation pains have been increasing in intensity, where I sometimes get these really sharp deep lower pelvic pains. The latest one prompted me to look into the point in terms of investigating the mind and body relationship and what of the mind is in fact manifested in and as this particular pain, so that I can assist and support myself to release the pain through releasing and changing the mind point.

 

What I found is that the point that is there is this strange ‘suppression of care’, and is part of my overall design of ‘not accepting myself’. My ‘care’ and how I live it is very much in a ‘hidden’ kind of way, as in very mental/emotional. So instead of living care as a self-expression on a physically lived level, it’s all just energy reactions and thoughts in the mind – which isn’t even real care at all, it’s just worry/fear/anxiety.

 

So this pain is another pain related to self-acceptance that is pushing me to honor and live and accept myself on a physical level, within living the word ‘care’ for instance in this case – rather than staying ‘introverted’ within emotions and thoughts where I am not in fact living the thing that I think and believe I am living(like ‘care’).

 

Here it is thus also important to investigate “why am I not accepting and allowing myself to live the word care on a physical level?” and “why did I decide to only live the emotional/mental version of apparent ‘care’, which isn’t actually care at all?”

 

I seem to remember that when I was younger I was quite keen on caring for my little brother or my dolls or other children. I had no trouble expressing my desire to ‘care’, to be a ‘mommy’ and have someone/something to care for. So what was it then that caused me to no longer cherish, accept and express this ability and desire to care that is clearly very much there?

 

What comes up is an experience of awkwardness around how I expressed my care, where I felt like I ‘wasn’t supposed to’ care for my brother as I was not actually his ‘mommy’, even though I wanted to play mommy. I wanted to help out and care for my brother the way my mother cared for him. I don’t necessarily have any memories that come up of being told not to, I just have this ‘awkward’ experience as a reservedness connected with a thought and a belief that “I mustn’t care for my brother because he is HER child, not MINE”, as though I overstepped a boundary somewhere expressing something that I wasn’t righteously allowed to express, based on boundaries like ‘what’s mine’ and ‘what’s not mine’.

 

There is an assertiveness within the expression of ‘care’ that I have been holding back throughout most of my life as I’ve believed that it’s only reserved for those who have the ‘authority’ and therefore the ‘permission’ to express and embody that assertiveness. I as a child, as what I’ve been for most of my life, did not sense I had any such ‘authority’, as I was not a ‘mother’ or ‘teacher’ or otherwise had no ‘position of authority or leadership’, and so I believed it was not my place to express any such ‘assertive care’ that I clearly did WANT to express.

 

What is interesting is that even now that I do ‘have a child’ and ‘am a mother’, I am still holding back in being assertive and expressing my care as there is still a part of me that feels as though it’s not ‘permitted’. So it seems that I have created a belief/judgment that to express care(in that assertive way) is ‘wrong’ as it’s not ‘my right’ to express. With that also creating a belief that ‘care’ should therefore be an ‘internal’ kind of thing. Something I can only experience on a mental/emotional/feeling level – through for instance experiencing excessive worry/anxiety/fear. There is then also a belief that ‘care’ is defined to be this feeling experience that I feel for instance when I think about my daughter. So care has not been understood to be what it is as a living expression/word in the physical, as it has been defined in and as emotions and feelings which thus have been having an impact on the physical body and at this point are causing physical pain.

 

So the solution here then being to redefine care and start living it on an physical level. So what would it be to live care on a physical level? For one thing it would be to not ‘over-specialize’ through excessive thinking – where I am funneling all of my attention and energy onto one person within my constant incessant emotional worrying about my daughter(even when there isn’t necessarily anything ‘wrong’ with her per se). It would be to rather place my attention where it is needed, those in this world who do need more support and care and attention, because there are many. To recognize that my efforts and impact extent much further than my own family and that ‘my world’ isn’t just these few people in my life but extends to all the beings whose lives are touched by my actions.

 

That is just what comes up right now as an initial assessment or definition of the word care as a physical expression rather than a feeling/emotion. Although that then again brings up the fear or the resistance/reservation in relation to that point of asserting/expressing care. So that is then the pertinent point to take on with self-forgiveness in order to properly direct an effective living of care – to not remain stuck for the rest of my life in this strange point of fear that would cause me to become ‘introverted’ and turn ‘care’ into a feeling/emotion rather than an expression.

 

For this blog I will leave it up to here, just to share the gist of how I work with these kind of physical points that crop up in the form of sudden pains. The self-forgiveness I’ll be walking I can share in a later blog for interest sake.

 

I work with identifying the mind/body relationship professionally as a Quantum Change Kinesiologist and walk with individuals as support. This blog is an example of the process that is walked to identify and properly direct a mind/body point, through and from the starting point of for instance a physical pain that’s experienced. Please reach out for perspective and support through https://www.facebook.com/quantumchangekinesiology or Facebook Messenger.

learning to support yourself - what is emotional self-support?

So self-support, is to be there for myself emotionally. To recognize what I am going through from moment to moment and to ‘allow’ myself to feel and recognize and honor what I am going through. Honor as in to just not suppress or glance over or think and assume I am supposed to be ‘fine’ or have these expectations of myself in terms of how I’m supposed to be experiencing myself within any given situation.

 

I have been feeling very ‘unsupported’ lately. ‘Support’ is a word that’s kept coming up in my mind, these backchat that “I don’t have support”, “I am not being supported”, “I feel so unsupported”, etcetera. Chalking it up to the situation and the things that have been happening and/or the things people have been doing, I didn’t ever really stop to look at whether I am living support as a living word and what that would practically entail to live support. Until last night where I was again feeling ‘sooo unsupported’ and ‘at my wit’s end’ and emotionally distraught, I finally decided to look at what living support even means as I realized that if I am feeling like I am lacking in support that must mean I am not living support myself somehow.

 

First thing that came up when I looked into “what does it mean to live support”, was to look at how can I be of support to others. That, maybe I am just not being supportive enough for those around me and maybe I just need to be giving as I’d like to receive more. Although to be honest, what occurred to me was, how can I appropriately support others if I don’t really know how to support myself first, so maybe I need to look closer to home first.

 

One area where I realized I have not been very supportive with myself is emotionally. I often feel emotionally strained and am often looking for someone to be able to talk to, someone to understand, or am looking towards the people in my life to ‘understand’ what I am going through and offer some form of emotional support, often ending up feeling emotionally exhausted, neglected, rejected and abandoned as I don’t seem to be getting this ‘understanding’ anywhere I look.

 

Throughout my life in general I have been very bad at even recognizing and being honest with myself about my own emotions and what I am going through or am feeling. I have made it a habit to down-right ignore, suppress and deny many of the emotions and feelings I was going through and experiencing from moment to moment, trying to fit into or live up to some kind of ‘ideal’ or ‘standard’ of what and who I believed I must be. Like I must be more aloof or appear more confident, not have so many insecurities, not have any ‘weaknesses’ (as I believed they were). Basically I must not feel anything lol. But yet, I felt SO MANY THINGS.

 

I often did feel moments of shame or embarrassment as a result of suppressing, hiding and denying my feelings, when they did manage to seep through the cracks somehow. Another message I was sending myself that apparently “I am not supposed to feel these things that I am feeling”. So long story short, my emotions and feelings have always been a blind spot for me because I have so conditioned myself to ignore, suppress and deny them. Leaving me now to oftentimes feel like I am ‘drowning’ in times when my external reality gets a bit challenging, as I have never learned how to be there for myself emotionally. So I will just throw myself off the deep end or allow myself to work myself up emotionally until I feel completely exhausted, stressed out, lost and overwhelmed and just don’t know what to do with myself anymore because I am struggling so much with my own emotional state.

 

I’ve never learned to recognize what I’m actually going through in moments and how to give myself space to go through and feel the things I am genuinely feeling, so the stress and ‘emotional exhaustion’ I end up experiencing is really just a consequence of my suppression and neglect of what is really going on within myself. A consequence of not being there for myself as ‘emotional support’ from moment to moment. So emotional support is basically just saying “hey, it’s ok what you’re feeling right now” to myself. Hold myself, embrace myself, hold space for myself and whatever I am feeling and going through – not any of it is bad.

 

There’s a lot more to go into as to why I developed this particular personality design or mind system of suppressing/denying my emotions and feelings. Why I developed this strange belief and decision that me feeling and experiencing anything by way of emotions and feelings is apparently ‘bad’ and cannot be accepted. But that’s something to go into in another post…

 

 

Thank you for reading.

 

 

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journeys with the physical

I've been using my physical body mostly as cross reference for points in walking in terms of self-change. I've found that my mind will mostly send me all over the place and I end up trying to change multiple points at once but then ending up more stressed and confused than settled. So since the body is on the other hand quite clear in its message of what to look at and work on, that's what I've been applying my focus on. This so as to make change real, or as real as possible, since the body will give me feedback of whether I've actually changed a point - and to avoid ending up at a place where I'm more feeling like I'm changing and believing I'm changing because "look at me I'm taking on all these points" but when it comes to the nitty gritty, the real-time living, there's not actually that much change.

The point, or one of the points, I've been working with and that comes up from time to time, is a discomfort in my lower abdomen, a cramping and tightening in that area. So anytime this sensation comes up I will have a look in the moment at the thoughts/backchat/emotions/personality designs I've been accessing to cause the physical experience. Sometimes if it's not immediately clear to me I will use my QCK procedure and tools to find the relevant points. When it came up earlier today as I was driving on my way to work I saw it being related to having, experiencing and going into a sense of failure. Thoughts and beliefs I've been having in the back of my mind of 'failing my family' and 'failing my child' because I can't be with her anymore as much as I'd like to since I had to start working again recently. 

Here I'm dealing with suppressed experiences and thoughts since on a surface level I am "fine" or rather I feel quite alright and unbothered mentally/emotionally as I go about my day or in this case specifically as I'm driving on my way to work. In fact, I've been experiencing myself, on a conscious level, more positively with regards to going to work - as in, feeling a sense of purpose, motivation, validation, drive and recognition as I am rejoining the workforce, learning new things, making new connections and relationships and getting feedback on my performances. But, as my body is clearly showing, there's more going on. In fact, digging and going a bit deeper, there's mostly deeply emotional issues and problems running in the background. Where I feel, dare I say, quite the opposite of whatever positive experiences I've been having around going back to work. And the body's basically saying with the internal organ pains, "Oi, look at what the emotions you're suppressing are doing to you. You need to get honest with this stuff in terms of how you're really feeling and what you're actually going through. Don't just stuff it away and ignore it just because maybe you feel powerless or aren't seeing solutions to your problems."

So for me, the sense of failure is an emotional issue that tends to affect me and that I tend to suppress, exactly because I've never seen a solution and have never known how to handle and direct it effectively - so I suppress it and unfortunately then turn it into a much bigger issue through how these suppressed emotions affect the inner organs. So now in these moments when the physical pains come up, this means I'm having to reverse engineer to get to what is actually going on and change. This through for instance understanding and investigating, using the physical point as cross-reference and feedback, everything that's going on in my mind specifically related to this 'feeling a sense of failure' point. 

This was one of those instances where I didn't immediately clearly see anything and so used QCK to support me, which lead me to recognize a deep emotional sadness/despair along with beliefs that I am failing my family/child by being at work instead of at home. Not just that, but furthermore this is connected with an entire personality design(as in an energetic state and way of thinking that I have become throughout my life) of feeling disappointed with myself and perceiving myself to be a disappointment, as well as a failure to grasp how to properly live the word "care". Meaning, how to not live this word based on emotions and feelings but live it on a physical level in terms of everyday and moment-to-moment actions. Which actions are in place in other words for me to live care - care for myself and others. So, my emotionally charged relationship with the word care is also affecting my inner organs and in particular this area where I get cramps sometimes in my lower abdomen.

Care is about being proactive, giving yourself what you need when you need it - responding to yourself, your 'impulses' so to speak, your sensitivities, as in your needs, your body's needs, when you need it. Because you care, which means you're not going to wait or go and think about it first or go into fear/doubts/thoughts about what needs to be done. It's being assertive about taking action and doing the things that make sense in providing support and providing for needs. In my case I have a lot of thoughts/reasons/justifications as to why I can't properly take care of myself, and as a consequence, others. Thoughts about other people for instance, placing others before myself, feelings, desires, etcetera - are all my "reasons" why I'm not just doing what needs to be done basically in terms of living the word care. All the ways in which I'm failing myself as I'm not properly caring and providing for myself. So it looks like this physical point is very much about living the word care if I want to correct it.

To be continued...

Give me reassurance!

I look for a sense or feeling of reassurance from my environment, this is what I've noticed. Like, I am on a pretty much constant bases generating lots and lots of anxiety and stess and fear energy in myself in relation to thoughts like "am I doing this right?", "What if I am failing at this?!", "What if I am busy doing it wrong?!", "What if I don't know what I am doing?!", "Are people still going to accept me if I do this wrong?", "I have to make sure that I do this right", "have to make sure I don't make any mistakes", "what if I screw up?!", "I don't want to face any consequences!", " What if all this goes wrong in my life?!", "What if I'm a failure?!"... You get the gist lol.

Looots of fear of "failure" and because of this, I'm also constantly subconsciously looking for a sense of reassurance as in a sense of relief from all this stress and anxiety around failing. Basically looking for something or someone to let me know and tell me, "hey Kim, it's OK. You're OK. You can relax. You're not doing anything wrong, you're fine." Even from my baby, from Marie, I'm looking for that sense of reassurance. These fears and anxieties are always in the background. Like I'm looking for some feedback, some confirmation from her that I'm an OK parent, that I'm doing well, that I'm not failing in this 'new job' of being a parent. 

And the reason I've been looking at this point in me is because I've been looking into living the principle of giving as I would like to receive - a principle I want to live as a parent - but I noticed that the only time I'm able to even see what Marie needs from me from moment to moment is when I am NOT existing in any state of anxiety within myself. When I'm existing in a point of self-fulfilment, as in 'I want, need or require nothing from my environment. I am fulfilled and complete.', then Marie comes more into focus and I see very clearly what she is asking for from me from moment to moment. Only when I am fulfilled and complete within myself and don't exist in want/need/desire, am I able to give unconditionally to another what I'd like to receive if I were in their shoes. 

So that motivated me to look at were and how am I existing in want/need/desire in relation to my environment - in relation to Marie specifically in this example. That question then opened up how indeed, I am CONSTANTLY in that state of "I want to feel reassured", even in relation to Marie, and so I'm never quite 'in tune with'or rather just seeing who she is and what she actually needs. Sure, I run around frantically often trying to satisfy her needs(or whatever needs I perceive in her) and end up feeling frazzled, exhausted and even more anxious, but don't actually ever give her what SHE really needs from me. I only give her what I think she might possibly want or need, yet leave her feeling unrecognized, unheard and unsupported in who she is and what her real needs are. 

So in every moment it's now my task to ask myself whether I'm wanting/needing/requiring anything from her and to support myself to snap out of it and stabilize myself, through using the Desteni tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction.