Looots of fear of "failure" and because of this, I'm also constantly subconsciously looking for a sense of reassurance as in a sense of relief from all this stress and anxiety around failing. Basically looking for something or someone to let me know and tell me, "hey Kim, it's OK. You're OK. You can relax. You're not doing anything wrong, you're fine." Even from my baby, from Marie, I'm looking for that sense of reassurance. These fears and anxieties are always in the background. Like I'm looking for some feedback, some confirmation from her that I'm an OK parent, that I'm doing well, that I'm not failing in this 'new job' of being a parent.
And the reason I've been looking at this point in me is because I've been looking into living the principle of giving as I would like to receive - a principle I want to live as a parent - but I noticed that the only time I'm able to even see what Marie needs from me from moment to moment is when I am NOT existing in any state of anxiety within myself. When I'm existing in a point of self-fulfilment, as in 'I want, need or require nothing from my environment. I am fulfilled and complete.', then Marie comes more into focus and I see very clearly what she is asking for from me from moment to moment. Only when I am fulfilled and complete within myself and don't exist in want/need/desire, am I able to give unconditionally to another what I'd like to receive if I were in their shoes.
So that motivated me to look at were and how am I existing in want/need/desire in relation to my environment - in relation to Marie specifically in this example. That question then opened up how indeed, I am CONSTANTLY in that state of "I want to feel reassured", even in relation to Marie, and so I'm never quite 'in tune with'or rather just seeing who she is and what she actually needs. Sure, I run around frantically often trying to satisfy her needs(or whatever needs I perceive in her) and end up feeling frazzled, exhausted and even more anxious, but don't actually ever give her what SHE really needs from me. I only give her what I think she might possibly want or need, yet leave her feeling unrecognized, unheard and unsupported in who she is and what her real needs are.
So in every moment it's now my task to ask myself whether I'm wanting/needing/requiring anything from her and to support myself to snap out of it and stabilize myself, through using the Desteni tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction.
