To Dare to Jump into the Deep End

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Being my own worst enemy"

"This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'."

So looking at this point a bit more of why there seems such a 'blockage' when it comes to self-movement, there's a memory that comes up of when I was little. I was at the pool with my family, and while I was afraid to step into the shallowest side of the kiddy pool as I was holding my mother's hand, my brother who was younger than me was over on the other side jumping into the deep end with not a worry in the world. While me, I had ALL the worries in the world. I was scared to just jump in. I was scared to even try. SO MUCH could go wrong. And I needed so much time, and a lot of coaxing to finally dip my toe into it.

It's kind of that same feeling that now stops me from just going for things for example, just doing something, just jumping into something that's unknown to an extent. Just taking that leap or just taking that step of moving myself into a particular direction that perhaps I'm not very used to. It almost feels like standing at the edge of a pool at the deep end and having to jump in, where everything inside of me is telling me that 'so much could go wrong!'. That I should not, and can not, just jump. It's insanity.

And I did perceive my brother as being slightly insane in fact lol. A little bit unhinged, and where I had too many worries, perhaps he had too few... Perhaps he should have had a bit more care and caution for himself. Although yes, where some things are just downright dangerous to 'just jump into it', other things aren't, and it's important to be able to let go of that veil of worries and see things for what they are. Most things that I'm wanting to try and do are not actually dangerous and do not require me to be so overly hesitant.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this personality design of being overly cautious and full of worries when it comes to doing and trying new or different things from what I'm used to

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself that there is caution in the mind as a veil of worries as self-sabotage and then there is real caution - where real caution is to assess reality based on common sense to see what's actually dangerous and what isn't, rather than assuming that everything must be dangerous within and as the worry personality in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a personality based on this holding back/worry personality, of 'thinking' and 'pondering' -- locking myself internally into a dimension of thought where I then sit and just think, basically preoccupying myself from going ahead and just doing the thing, almost trying to convince myself that I can predict or simulate or create the same thing in my mind and that I therefore don't have to move myself in physical reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I am never able to really get to know something and myself within it and create something without doing it in physical reality  - and that the 'thinking' in the mind is really no comparison or representation of actual reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just 'jump into' things within physical reality in terms of doing something and trying something out and moving into a certain direction by thinking that 'there are so many things that could go wrong!'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this thought of 'there are so many things that could go wrong!', connected with an experience of worry, when standing at the advent of something new or different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must protect myself from 'all the things that could go wrong!' and therefore must not go for things or jump into things and just take the step forward into a direction, but must stagnate and remain in place locked into a mind personality of thinking - as self-preoccupation, to at least create some kind of illusion of movement, even if it's not real and is only internally within thoughts and feelings and emotions as 'energy movements'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is wrong to just take a step or do something without first thinking about it profusely - because if I'm not thinking first, then I am not applying caution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define caution as 'thinking profusely about doing anything before going ahead and taking a step forward or moving into a certain direction'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to rather live caution as having a 'cushion' for myself to land on when I do step into things - where it's not about holding myself back and sabotaging my physical movement - but more about providing a gentle guidance for myself as I walk through whatever I'm deciding to do and venture into

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define caution in and as emotional experiences of worry and doubt and insecurity and fear, where the result is me suppressing and holding back my physical expression and movement in this world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me holding back on moving myself in physical reality is me protecting myself from 'what could go wrong' - instead of realizing and seeing that it's actually me sabotaging myself from living and learning and getting to know myself and reality and life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back and sabotage myself from learning and getting to know reality and myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind instead of trusting physical reality and my simple assessment of physical reality in terms of seeing what is actually 'dangerous' and what is not -- which does not require 'thinking'

when and as I see myself going into the mind as the worry personality in relation to doing things in physical reality - then i stop and i breathe -- and I see and realize and understand that I am just busy holding myself back and sabotaging myself from getting to know and learning about reality and myself 

I see and realize and understand that to get to know reality is to do new things and try different things and allowing myself to step into specific directions that I'm not familiar with - and to get out of the mind

I see and realize and understand that I do not need thoughts and 'thinking' to be able to see reality - and that thinking is more just preoccupation based on emotions like doubts and insecurities and fears and is not actually a representation of actual reality

I see and realize and understand that applying caution is not to think about things within worry and fear, but to just look at physical reality simplistically and assess whats actually realistically dangerous and what isn't 

I commit myself to trust the physical body rather than the mind when applying and practicing 'caution' when it comes to doing things and 'jumping into' things and moving into certain directions  - and so to live real caution rather than caution based on the mind as thinking and emotional experiences

and so I commit myself to through doing so, get to know reality and myself - by actually doing things in physical reality

Being your own worst enemy

 It is interesting, this point was brought home to me through the principle of what your reality is showing you is what you accept and allow, your reality being a mirror to you.  To have a look at specific people in my reality and what they mirror back to me, what stands out is very particular programming of 'being your own worst enemy'. Programming of self-sabotage. Where, there's not much wrong with your environment per se. Your environment is here, and gives you plenty of opportunity for you to create, yet, it's you within yourself who is more choosing to deteriorate rather than move forward and create.

So it's more through seeing what is happening to people in my environment, and in some ways to myself, that I am seeing what I am accepting and allowing in and as me. As in a choice to deteriorate, and hold back, rather than move forward and create. 

Let's take person X as example. Person X does an interesting thing where it is by no lack of trying or talent or skill that they seem to keep cycling in the same unsupportive and dire circumstances and situations. It's more their emotional patterns that cause them to not support themselves properly to move forward in their life and create a supportive physical environment for themselves. They're actually quite driven and decided to make the best of themselves and to 'get ahead' in life and succeed. But a pattern wherein they sabotage themselves in for example, is a 'blame' of their situation, of the world around them, of the universe, and of other people, as to why it is that they cannot seem to move forward or change anything to their circumstances. It is a point of believing that 'I am in this situation because reality is not cooperating'. And so a self-pity as well, which sometimes can spill over into suicidal tendencies even, when the anger and self-pity becomes overwhelming.

I know that to a large extent I have changed this particular programming within myself, where I am quite aware that everything about me and my life is in my hands. That, if I do not move, nothing will. And that thus, I must find a way. Even if everything seems impossible for me to change and do anything. I must find a way, because reality will not do anything for me. In fact, given the current world system, the chips are always stacked against me, if I have any integrity at all and want to create and do anything that involves integrity.

Yet clearly, my reality being a mirror, there are some aspects of it that I have not yet grasped or understood and changed. Because yes, even though I do have this understanding that everything is in my hands, there has still at the same time been this point of 'stuckness' that I've found myself in. Where, I'm not particularly moving either way. Even though, I want to and am trying to. There are some dimensions there of self-sabotage that I have not yet been able to change. Where, I have in a way even given up on trying to find different ways. Given up on truly supporting myself, because no matter what I did, I seemed to always end up feeling stuck. 

So perhaps, working with my reality within the mirror principle may give me some new perspective. And in a way it is a point of expanding my responsibility as well. To take responsibility for the lives of those around me by realizing and seeing how they mirror some points within me that I am accepting and allowing (without being consciously aware of it).

So yes with person X I'm very much working with a pattern of basically feeling stifled, held back and sabotaged at every turn and effort by reality. A sense of 'I am doing and trying everything that I can, but it's reality that isn't cooperating somehow. There is something about the end result of my actions that is out of my hands.' But it's actually a point where I 'give up' and don't push through or venture beyond. And that point has nothing to do with reality but is more a point inside myself that I've decided is too overwhelming or overpowering for me, and I just cannot move past it.

This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'.

To be continued...

Social Anxiety

 I just have to share this timeline I did in DIP Pro, cause it just so perfectly captures my entire experience as a person in this world, in my life lol. Just 'anxious', uncomfortable, trapped in my own skin, in my environment, not particularly enjoying the whole 'social' experience, around 'other humans'.

MP-->-->-->-->-->memory of sitting on the sidelines watching other kids playing a game

E1-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm at Chiro

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my parents are making me come here and 'play with the other kids'

E1 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my brother too

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> but neither of us likes coming here

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> we're always trying to get out of it, whining at my parents to please let us stay home

E2 -->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I fit in

E2-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I am accepted or that the others like me very much

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel anxious and uncomfortable

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I feel uncomfortable in my clothes even

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I always feel cold and rather just stay inside where it's warm and where we get our treats

E3-->-->-->-->-->--> I am sitting on the side watching as the other girls in my group play a ball game

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I've already been tagged out

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I watch as they all seem really into the game, into competing against each other

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think 'I don't understand it. I don't understand what people like so much about fighting against each other trying to be the winner. Can't we all just be friends and get along?'

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel an aversion to playing games where you have to 'beat' other people and try to be a winner, specifically very physically active games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think I don't want to participate, it's all too rough for me. I want more gentle things, like staying inside and eating or talking or playing board games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm wishing we could go inside and I'm waiting until it's time for us to go inside

E4 -->-->-->-->-->--> I feel trapped cause I'm forced to be there against my will. So all I can do is just sit and wait, feeling uncomfortable inside myself, until I get to go home. While pretending that I like being part of it all and doing all the things everyone else is doing. 

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->--> feel like I'm imprisoned inside my own body and my environment

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> cause I can't go anywhere or do any of the things that I actually want to do and am forced by my parents to be here and do this

And it's with opening up these kind of memories that at first glance seem so trivial in the landscape of my life, that I get to go deeper into this whole design play out of 'me'. That I can have realizations, like 'oh wow, if only I had just been honest with myself about the fact that I hated it there and hated everything about it, it would have actually helped me be more comfortable with myself'. Cause writing out this memory play-out, I can see that it's especially the part where I'm 'pretending' to enjoy being and doing what everybody else is doing, that caused me to feel trapped inside myself. To feel even uncomfortable in my own skin. 

Rather than thinking that I must force myself to fit into this environment and be like everyone else, I could have just recognized for myself that 'no, I was actually forced to go to this place and be here, and I just don't like any of it'. So, rather than trying to force myself to enjoy it, just embrace the hate lol. Embrace and be real with the fact that, hey, I really actually don't like or enjoy any of this. 

Cause I noticed I do that a lot with myself, kind of force myself into trying to enjoy something just because 'everybody else seems to', while I actually simply don't enjoy it if I'm honest with myself. Trying to 'fit into' what seems to be 'the way of life' for most people and pretend that I'm enjoying this ride just like the next person, while I actually am continuously asking myself 'what the hell am I doing here?' and 'what's really the point of all this?' And so I'm not just being honest with myself about how I actually experience myself. More living life based on BELIEF of how I should feel and should be. It's bizarre.

So anyways, just wanted to share this timeline cause I thought it's really neat to be able to get into the nitty-gritty of yourself within this online DIP Pro course, and to then start really changing things through different tools. Taking on your own memories as the 'fabric' of your life and of 'you' and redesigning your whole experience. Pretty cool stuff.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

Self-sabotage in the process of self-perfection

 I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept myself and to accept things, as in my life and my process and my circumstances and my mind, as what they are, by comparing and going into the past looking at what I could have, should have, would have done, at how things 'ought to be' different, because I 'shouldn't be' dealing with the points I'm dealing with, and judging consequences that I am facing and that are playing out in my life, thinking oh if only I had done things differently or if only I had transcended or realized that point sooner -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that although yes, consequences are always hard to face, and it always feels like a 'failure' in some ways because 'all this happened just cause I wasn't aware', at the end of the day it's here for me to learn, as part of my process, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself about the things that I still need to learn and haven't been understanding or seeing or realizing or aware of, as facing consequences is hard enough --- what I need is for me to support myself through it, take it for and as what it is, and be understanding and forgiving with myself so I can make the best out of the situation -- realizing that what's here is here, and it's merely my reality showing me things I haven't taken accountability for, things I've been giving my power away to and have been using as a crutch or a smokescreen to not see myself and to not stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself and my process to sort of be 'perfect', because I had this image or idea or belief in my mind of what it was going to be like, and now that it turns out to not be like that at all but in a way quite the opposite, to think and believe that I must have 'done it all wrong' -- instead of just being real with myself about the fact that this process is about walking myself into perfection, and about correcting all the 'imperfections' I've been accepting and allowing in and as me -- which are VAST - and so yes, things will get TOUGH as I face all of me that I have never taken responsibility for throughout my existence -- and so I should rather find a way to enjoy in a way, and sort of sit back and relax so I can face these things 'comfortably', or rather without too much unnecessary suffering, as there will be suffering enough

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to, instead of so easily and automatically beating up on myself and being hard on myself for my apparent and perceived 'failings', rather find ways to support myself, because that's at the end of the day what I really need --- all the support I can get, if I want to in any way get through this process effectively

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that beating up on myself and being hard on myself doesn't work – in terms of that it’s more like an excuse to not take responsibility and walk that process of simply correcting and perfecting myself, which is arduous enough

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to support myself – seeing and realizing and understanding that it’s what I need in order to perfect myself, to change myself into what’s best for all – is to give myself all my support – IF I am really in fact serious about walking this process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me being hard on myself is somehow me being helpful – instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it really doesn’t serve me as it just triggers a lot of emotions in me where I just end up keeping myself trapped in emotions rather than actually supporting myself to move forward

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that any ‘being hard on myself’ is really a deliberate self-sabotage programming in the mind because I’m really not helping or supporting myself in my process of self-correction and self-perfection as I’m just not giving myself what I actually need – but more dragging myself down and making it ten times harder for myself to really move myself, because all I really need is support and understanding and consideration and care for me to believe in myself and to stand up and pick myself up

 I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have a self honest look at what I actually need to walk my process effectively – rather than just by default choosing to be hard on myself and beat up on myself, assuming that that’s what I need or that’s how I need to be treated and approached – instead of looking at the objective, which is me succeeding in my process of self-perfection and then based on that, choosing the best treatment and approach that’s going to support me most effectively to be successful in the outcome

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that choosing to automatically beat up on myself and be hard on myself for any little ‘mistake’ or flaw is actually like deliberate self-sabotage and is more something that I copied and learned from my environment growing up, who obviously also weren’t very observant or caring or considerate in terms of looking at what I actually needed in order to learn and develop myself most effectively or achieve certain results, but would more REACT – not considering or caring about the consequences those reactions would have in terms of how I would go on to believe that that’s how I should be treated and that’s the ‘normal’ response to ‘mistakes’ or ‘flaws’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to assess for myself what’s actually needed and whether this beating up and being hard is actually effective – where obviously my environment’s objective was to push me somehow to not make certain mistakes and push me towards ‘success’ or some kind of outcome, yet where the effects of their approach actually more had the adverse effect, where I’d get really anxious and nervous about ‘making mistakes’ and would really limit myself in everything I did and so actually compromised my ability to achieve success and develop myself effectively in certain areas – which is now the same within my process, where I actually work against myself  by being hard on myself for my ‘mistakes’ rather than being supportive

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I haven't actually been committed or dedicated to the goal that I've been moving towards in terms of self-perfection - because I've been deliberately sabotaging myself through being hard on myself and beating up on myself - so haven't actually been truly caring about what it is that I'm trying to do

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to really actually care about perfecting myself and correcting myself and standing as what's best for all - by allowing myself to be side-tracked so often, or just allowing these kind of experiences and patterns to come in and hold me back and suppress my movement, to the point where it just feels so hard to just stand up and change and just live the solution because I feel bad about myself or I believe myself to be unworthy or undeserving or whatever feeling or thought is there to make implementing and living change feel like a struggle or even an impossibility for me --- where I then get more focused and preoccupied with this sabotage point and allow that to take the stage, completely losing sight of where I was actually going and what I am actually doing, and obviously believing that whatever this 'roadblock' is thats making me believe I 'can't' perfect myself is more important than actually perfecting myself

so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically place the mind - as all the reasons why i 'can't' perfect myself and exist as whats best for all - before what's best for all as life, by allowing myself to give my power and attention away to all these 'reasons' for why i apparently cannot do it or why it's really difficult or tough for me, as though suddenly my 'goal' as 'what's best for all' and 'self-perfection' doesn't matter anymore and isn't all that important --- just cause the mind swooped in to make me feel like me being imperfect is more important than me being perfect, and me NOT living what's best for all is more important than me living what's best for all

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that whats important is that I correct and change myself and live as what's best for all --- not how I feel about myself or things like whether or not I am worthy or deserving or good enough - cause this is about more than just me, this is about 'all as me' - so do i really care or consider 'all as me' when I allow myself to listen to the reasons for why I can't stand or can't do it or can't change?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes sense to basically work against myself in this process of self-perfection, and have it be this struggle - where I'm mostly just struggling against myself  and all these mechanisms and patterns within me  where i make this process more difficult for me than it actually needs to be  - just by basically 'being on my case' anytime I see a 'mistake' I made in terms of something I missed or a point I wasn't aware of or something I've neglected to work on in my process, or consequences playing out, which actually happens a lot, where I have these 'sudden realizations' that 'omg I've fallen into some point in the mind' or that I've fallen into the revenge of the ego or the mind had me by the balls somehow all the while I was believing that I know what I'm doing and I'm on top of things - instead of just immediately going into the correction and looking at how to change and move from there -- so not remaining stuck within the point of 'omg I fucked up!' through beating up on myself, but rather being understanding and realizing that I will need to move forward at some point anyways, so might as well just go into living solutions immediately as I see the problem

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that everything about my existence is and has been a 'problem' - has been programming - and NOTHING has been life, nothing has been me, so everywhere I look is going to be 'problems' and 'consequence' as things to correct and redefine -- so I better just get going with my process of correction cause consequence is going to be here regardless, it's just up to me how 'severe' it's going to be

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that everything that is here is consequence - so I will be facing consequence in one way or another, specifically about all the points I have not been specifically changing and correcting in my process, as points I have been neglecting or not taking seriously in terms of changing - also as a consequence of allowing myself to hold myself back and sabotage myself in how I walk my process --- so might as well let go of any reactions with regards to facing consequence, and just accept the consequences I'm facing and just immediately go into living solutions

I see and realize and understand that everything that's here is consequence as i have never lived me and never lived life as what's best for all, but have always been living programming -- and that thus this pattern and programming in the mind of being hard on myself and beating up on myself for the consequences I'm facing due to my 'mistakes' and flaws that I have not changed or corrected does not make sense as all I'm doing is just prolonging my process of simply changing and correcting and living solutions

I see and realize and understand that in a way it's like, within this pattern of beating up on myself and being hard on myself for my 'mistakes' is like I am coming from a belief that i am perfect or am already supposed to be perfect - while not realizing or understanding that if anything, I am like the opposite of perfect and have always existed as a preprogrammed system full of patterns and mechanisms and definitions that aren't best, and have never been aware of any of it, nor have taken responsibility for any of it -- so really, all I'm going to be dealing with is nothing but 'mistakes', as things I'll have to realize along the way that I havent been aware of and havent taken responsibility for - so I'll need to find a way to get past the reactions of wanting to beat up on myself for all of it and just taking it as it is and get into living solutions regardless of what the problem is

 I see and realize and understand that while my initial reaction is to beat up on myself - i will have to eventually just change anyways so might as well go into the process of change immediately instead of lingering in the reactions to the problem

I commit myself to, when I am faced with a mistake in terms of something i havent been aware of cause I've been neglecting investigating or changing the point, support myself to go into immediate looking a solution rather than lingering in a reaction of beating up on myself for it

I commit myself to actually SUPPORT myself in terms of just doing what I see I can, to change and correct myself, rather than being in this point of trying to avoid consequences somehow or avoid facing my mistakes and then ending up just not moving effectively in the process of self-perfection and -correction -- and so actually just get myself MOVING rather than stagnating

Relaxation is... To Give Yourself A Break

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN" 

I sometimes find myself… well, “sometimes”, OFTEN lol. I OFTEN find myself sort of thinking about or ‘looking at’ myself. Thinking about ‘my place in the world’ in a way. ‘Who am I?’ And sometimes seeing, well, some ‘tough stuff’. That, in a lot of ways I haven’t been, and am not, who I’ve always believed myself to be. I’m not quite as ‘good’ and ‘innocent’ and ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest’ and what have you, as I tended to believe. It’s the ‘real shit’ in a way. Seeing more of a ‘real’ and honest portrait and representation of myself that’s not at all the image of positivity and good-heartedness I’ve been ‘hiding’ behind for all of my life.

And it can be quite a ‘bottomless pit’ sometimes. A barrel I could just stare down forever and ever. Where it seems as though, there’s just no end to my deception, to the lies, the manipulation, the hiding, the self-compromise.  It’s just a vast wasteland of hopelessness without a speck of ‘light’ so to speak. Something I could sink into and disappear in, and just keep sinking without ever reaching a bottom. And the regret and despair is immense. All of my mistakes, all of my shortcomings, my flaws, all of it. Once you start to really open things up, there’s just a vastness to it.

I mean this sort of ‘vastness’ only really opened up not too long ago, when I started really SEEING the consequences, and my responsibility and contribution to those consequences. Seeing the ACTUAL impact my actions and who I am within them is having on my reality. And seeing ALL the ways I have not been considering reality, but have more been lost within illusions and delusions in my mind. It’s been a shock to say the least, and easy to kind of get lost in, and get sucked into.

But I’ve realized that, at some point, I HAVE TO stop. I have to ‘give myself a break’. Yes it’s vast, and yes I’m sure there’s lots and lots more I’m not yet seeing and not yet considering and yes it’s all ‘pretty bad’. But at some point I need to be like ‘ok, whatever’. And just more focus on correcting and changing myself, than staring down the deep bottomless pit of regret for what I haven’t but should have been living. At the end of the day, what matters is CHANGE. Is that I do what I can with what I’ve got, to change and correct myself. I mean it’s cool to see where and how I’ve compromised myself, and have been ‘lacking’. But if it’s not being used to push myself to change, then it’s kind of useless and a waste of time.

Cause I’ve found that it does create like a point of ‘stress’ within me. Where, I’m not just living and not just ‘here’. I’m more sinking into a pit of all sorts of emotions and so on some level am entertaining the mind, even though yes, seeing something ‘real’. So I’ve learned to ‘relax’ within this point by just not allowing myself to get too swallowed up by the ‘vastness’, but more giving myself a break from it all. Not being defined by it. Cause at the end of the day, it’s still just programming and I decide if it’s going to define me or not.

 

 

 

www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

 

Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN!

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... Not Doing Anything"

So in my previous blog I wrote about this ‘business’, with always hopping from one thing to another, always in a rush and a hurry, trying to do a million things at once. And how to relax is to essentially bring the focus more ‘here’, rather than ‘everywhere else’. To ‘not do anything’, as in to be Ok with just being here.

Now I have noticed myself going into that ‘rushedness’ especially when I am at work. Where, I’ve found myself rushing and hurrying through my tasks and responsibilities EVEN when there is no need for me to do that. When I can get the same things done in the time that I have without rushing myself. I can take my time, do things at my own pace, more taking it easy, while still getting everything done that I need to get done. So why all the hurry?

What I’ve realized is that my starting point for hurrying/rushing myself in every moment, is this belief in the back of my mind that ‘I am not good enough’. A belief that I must prove myself. That I must prove that I am effective and efficient and fast and good at what I do. Like I actually believe that I’m pretty shit at everything, so I must sort of ‘over-perform’ through rushing and putting in MUCH MORE effort than is required into everything I do so I can ‘prove’ to people: ‘Look! I can do this! I am good at this! I am not shit!’

So there is a constant focus on ‘other people’. Within that point of ‘I must prove myself’ to people, and ‘must show people’ what I’m made of. But obviously no matter what I do, no matter how efficient and effective and fast and good I prove myself to be, it really makes no difference. Its not like I ever reach a point where I can ‘finally accept myself’ and finally relax and be content with myself. I just keep on looping in that rushed state, never good enough, never relaxing, never satisfied with myself.

So with the point of ‘relaxing’ this is something I’ve been having to take on. To really catch myself each time I access this state, which is all the time lol, and slow myself down and look at where within myself am I in this belief that ‘I’m not good enough’ and that ‘I must prove myself to others’? And the reason why this is such a ‘tricky’ point and why it’s been so difficult to change within it, is because it is a negative hiding behind a positive. The ‘rushedness’ actually feels like a positive experience. An adrenaline. It makes me feel ‘good’. It makes me feel good about myself, for a moment, as I am busy ‘proving myself’ – so there is a ‘reward’ there. Or at least the experience of it. But it actually does quite a number on my body.

And it’s been my body that’s been showing me: ‘hey! Slow down girl! Look at what you’re doing to yourself, by not looking at your starting point behind this rushedness!’ Because, the thing is that I was coping just fine! Lol I was just fine not slowing myself down and not working on my relationship with myself, in terms of self-acceptance. It was working for me, to lose myself in the rushedness energy as my ‘compensation’ for my inner accepted ‘inferiority’. So my body stepped in and took a stand and went ‘no more!’, and so now forcing me to walk and change this point the hard way, through pain, because I wasn’t doing it on my own. That’s consequence for ya. It’s in the things you don’t tend to question.

So it’s now a painstaking process for me to really do the thing I have been avoiding all this time. To SLOW DOWN lol. Take responsibility for my relationship with myself. Stop hiding behind the rushedness energy, and work on how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be inferior and not good enough. To stop coping and start actually resolving and correcting and changing. To stop being so gullible when it comes to energy and start taking responsibility for what I’m accepting and allowing. So, thank you body lol. It’s a kick in the butt. But one I needed, evidently.

 

 

 

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