I'd like to go back now please

 

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Support"

 I've noticed an interesting point or 'program' come up lately. Alongside this process I've been walking of sort of sinking deeper and deeper into the nitty gritty of reality. The real deal, and really coming to grips with the severity of the issues in existence as myself.

There is this point, as almost this belief that 'oh I could just go back to being completely ignorant and suppressed and blissfully unaware of what's really going on if I wanted to'. Like a 'back-door' or a 'fail-safe' in the mind. As if I have a choice. I mean obviously I do always have a choice, whether to 'face the music' of and as reality, or whether to pretend to be blind and unaware. You do always have the choice to 'go back' and choose the mind and pretend that process isn't real, and all the things you've realized and seen and walked were 'just a dream' in a way. And that what's real is the mind, where things feel cozy and comfortable and there's not a cloud in the sky.

And in a way so far my process has been 'easy'. Walking the conscious mind, the subconscious mind has been 'easy'. But it's with walking the unconscious mind, or the quantum physical, or whatever it is that I've been walking more recently, that things have been more 'tough'. And that I've come to understand as well that this is not going to be a 'walk in the park'. And that there is a lot of pain and suffering within existence, a lot of deep separation and a lot of 'challenges' ahead.

So anyways I've just been noticing this very 'subtle' experience or sneaky little thought sitting there way in the back of my mind. Which also seems specific to my mind perhaps, in terms of how I've always lived in total disconnection. Never quite grasping the seriousness or 'realness' of my actions, and the fact that every action has a consequence. Many times within my process, the main reason why I kept 'falling' back into specific experiences and create timeloop after timeloop, was this sneaky little thought of 'oh whats the harm'. Not realizing or recognizing the seriousness of process. Not having my feet on the ground. And almost believing that at the end of the day, 'nothing really matters'. Not really believing in 'consequences'. Because in the mind, there is no such thing as 'consequences'. Energy as emotions and feelings operates on the very 'principle' that you can 'lose yourself' and there will be no consequences. That 'it's fine' to lose yourself in this feeling/emotion/energy. While, reality is like the opposite of that lol. EVERYTHING has consequences. And that can be a tough pill to swallow when you come from lala-land as all the numerous delusions in the mind and are used to believing you can get away with anything.

But I did realize that how this sneaky little bastard of a thought is specific to my mind, is that it is just based on FEAR. And that fear is also coming from the mind as some sort of self-protection mechanism. Where the mind will be like 'oh no! You don't want to become aware of reality! You don't want to walk that process! It will be horrible!' lol. And then it will come in with that sneaky thought of 'you can always go baaaack...' as the point of 'comfort'. The 'looking for comfort from my fear'. Instead of simply realizing the fear, realizing it's not real, and just continue walking.

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To Make Mistakes

This is a continuation of my previous post "Safe Haven: A Self-Creation"

I had this very interesting dream last night about these two 'ghosts' who came into my house. Although they were actually flesh and blood, so I could see them and interact with them. And because they were 'physical', I felt less scared and just sort of invited them into my home because I wanted to see what they were about. It was a mother and a son, and I was in a bookstore. And they were playing this 'game', or were on some sort of 'mission' to solve these riddles using the books in my store. And I was indulging them in their requests and assisting them in what they were doing and wanted to just be supportive.

But there was this sense of 'urgency' that they should succeed in solving these riddles. Like, 'life or death' kind of urgency. Although, I mean, they were just riddles. There didn't seem much 'danger' to it. I don't even really remember if they ended up solving them all, but at a point they wanted to 'celebrate'. They got all 'wild', sort of forcing me to join in with them as they were really going overboard in this 'celebration'. Until suddenly the mother fell down and hit her head and was bleeding out. The son got really sad and felt guilty because they made the 'mistake' of celebrating too hard and now he felt it was 'his fault' that this happened.

Being the bystander, I realized in that moment that this is why they were 'ghosts' and why this whole thing happened. It was them being 'doomed' to relive their past 'real-life' mistake in the interdimensional existence over and over and over again. Always replaying the same exact event and scenario, with always the exact same outcome - as a form of 'punishment' for having made the mistake.

This dream quite specifically shed some perspective on a point that I have been working with. Or rather points that have opened up in my life recently where I'm having to sort of really 'trust myself' in my decisions. Doing and venturing into things that previously I even considered to be 'wrong' in some way because of newfound awareness and realizations. And what's come up is quite an extensive amount of fear of 'making a mistake'. Fear that if I do these things, I'll be making some horrible mistake and it'll all be quite 'bad'.

Cause the way that I've always handled 'mistakes' is in the same way that the ghosts in my dream handled theirs. To always keep replaying it over and over again in my mind as punishment for having made the mistake. So then obviously with this approach, 'making mistakes' becomes something quite daunting, since the 'consequence' is infinite imprisonment and infinite reliving of the same mistake. Like constantly continuously hitting myself over the head, yelling at myself 'Look at what you've done! Look at this mistake you've made!'

But in a way the dream also showed me the 'solution'. Within the 'ghosts' being 'physical'. Usually ghosts scare me because they are 'interdimensional'. You can't really see or touch them and so also not really 'work with' them in a way that you can with physical reality. So there's a sense of powerless there when it comes to 'ghosts'. A not knowing how to handle or deal with them.

But them being physical allowed me to sort of walk with them through the process of this 'mistake' that they were busy living out. I mean yes the mistake was still made and the consequences still quite unfortunate. But it could have all been prevented. If they had just been more stable within their minds. If they for instance had realized that they were just solving riddles and realized there's no 'urgency', it's no 'life or death' situation, and so hadn't placed all that 'pressure' and 'fear' and 'stress' on what they were doing. And if they then hadn't also gone into the opposite of going overboard with their 'celebration' as the positive energy.  Then the whole thing wouldn't have played out as it had.

Because 'mistakes' only happen as a consequence of not being AWARE of physical reality. And that usually only happens because you were in some dimension in your mind, caught up in energy and beliefs and experiences - rather than working with the physical reality. So you want to just make sure that you are not 'lost' in the mind, and have your feet on the ground. That your decisions are grounded in what is practical and measurable and within consideration of about as much as you are able to consider. And then STILL mistakes can be made, just because there were dimensions in and of the mind that you weren't yet aware of.

Mistakes are there to learn from. I mean, we can even learn from the mistakes that others before us have made. But somehow, instead of that being the case, it seems that we just keep repeating the same mistakes without ever really learning anything. Our parents have to watch us as we go through 'puberty' and through the rest of our lives, basically repeating the same mistakes that they did, or worse, even though they did try to warn us along the way. Because there is something in the way that we handle and deal with mistakes that's just not effective. It's like, we don't open our eyes to really learn from what is here. To be like, ok let me just walk through the timeline of this mistake to understand why things happened the way they did. And, let me walk through the timeline of my parents' lives to understand why they did what they did. And the timeline of the whole WORLD to understand why things happened the way they did. We don't tend to use mistakes in that kind of practical and self-supportive way.

So obviously since we don't use mistakes in the way they were intended to be used, but rather use them to just fuel into REACTIONS, we end up fearing them, instead of inviting and welcoming them. Because actually physical reality is a lot more FORGIVING than we are in our minds. Even within its CONSEQUENCES, physical reality does not judge or react when you make a 'mistake'. It unconditionally allows you to 'figure things out', and test out what works and what doesn't THROUGH mistakes and consequences. So really, we BETTER learn to welcome and invite consequences and mistakes, so we may learn faster

To be Responsible is to ACT

This is a continuation of my previous post "And what if I am a Piece of Shit?"

I always believed that, as long as I don't actually do anything, I can't do anything wrong! lol I was always very afraid of 'failing', of making mistakes, of 'screwing up' and of 'doing the wrong thing' and then later realizing that 'omg, I fucked up!' And that attitude then sort of placed me in a position of looking at all the people who WERE doing things and who WERE expressing themselves, and then playing 'judge'. Judging them for the mistakes or the misguided decisions I saw them make.

Cause now THEY're the 'abusers'. Cause, THEY're the ones doing all the things. Not me though. I'm not hurting a fly! Cause I'm not doing shit lol. I'm just miss goody-two-shoes who never does anything wrong. Just a 'dear little soul', sitting nicely in the corner, 'well-behaved', and never doing anything out of her own 'volition'.

But then, who am I actually living for? Certainly not for me, if I'm not willing to simply take responsibility for my actions, or non-actions. Cause that's what living is, isn't it? What it means to be alive. It's to express yourself and to take responsibility for the consequences of those actions. To stand accountable and responsible. AND to take action to direct things in a way you see is best. I mean if you are really a living being, and you see that things aren't right, then you will act to 'make them right'.

And yeah you might make some mistakes, and you might realize that some things you did were a bit 'misguided'. But that's why you make sure that you do your 'due diligence'. That you investigate and research things before taking action. Don't just act on impulse. Or on your thoughts, feelings or emotions. Just look at what's here, apply common sense, and then act. Even though you may still not have ALL the information. Some things, yeah, you need to realize by doing, and then investigating again. Some things are just a 'learning process'. So, better to ACT and take responsibility for the consequences, than to not do anything at all. At least then you can say, "I've lived."

Anything that's Real, We Still Need to Create

This is a continuation of my previous post "When it's too Late"

I mean sometimes the consequences of your 'too-late-ness' can be tough. REALLY tough. And, anything you don't take responsibility for, will have to become consequences eventually so that you can SEE, at least, that you 'should have' taken responsibility. So that you can LEARN, that your 'default setting' is the mind, which is consequence. And that if you want to start preventing consequence you will need to RADICALLY change. You will need to change every little thing about you.

And the only way to do that, to be 'ahead of the game', is to give up on EVERYTHING lol. To give up on everything you think you 'have' and stand at the point of 'nothingness'. To be nothing. To have nothing. To want nothing. To know that you never actually 'have' anything. And if you want something, then you have to 'create' it, with your bare hands, step by step, until it is unquestioningly and undeniably HERE. Anything that you have not deliberately created yourself, is simply not 'real'.

How can you even 'have' anything in this world, with it being how it is right now? How can anything you 'have' be of any value in this world? We still need to create real VALUE. A value that's based on LIFE. And likewise, anything else that's 'real', we still need to create. Real love, real care, real worth, real connection.

How do you even 'create' those things, in the physical? As long as you do not clearly SEE and KNOW exactly what it means for it to be real, you can assume that it's not. So, you might as well just 'give up' on all the things you believe to be real. At least then you'll have a clear starting point to start CREATING.