This is a continuation of my previous post "To Be Self-Conscious"
Ok so we’re looking at this again lol. There’s so much ‘resistance’ around keeping the focus on this word I’ve found. But, not even the ‘obvious’ resistance. You know where you get all lethargic or when you just know that you’re busy distracting yourself and you just DON’T WANT TO do the thing you’ve set about doing.
This resistance is more ‘insidious’ I suppose. It’s like a gradual waning of the interest in working with it, and then before I know it, my interests are elsewhere and the word has been forgotten. And so have the realizations and understandings of its importance and the importance and relevance of working with it.
And the reasons for that are a couple different ones. There’s just the belief that ‘there are more important things to focus on’. And yes fair enough, I mean when you’re walking your process, there’s always going to be points that come up to look into. Points that grab your attention for a moment and seem quite ‘relevant’ and ‘important’ when and as they come up, because it’s just what’s ‘here’. And so you work with what is ‘here’.
But I guess mostly the ‘resistance’ stems from the fact that me CHOOSING and DECIDING to take on this word and explore and figure out for myself what it means to live and be and become this word, is truly a point of SELF-creation and SELF-direction. It is something I stand alone in. Something I can’t follow others in or trust others in. Like, this is purely me deciding to do this. And so there are a lot of doubts and insecurities that sort of activate in the mind because of that, which is what makes me eventually ‘lose interest’ in pursuing this. And why one moment I will realize and understand the absolute importance that I keep my focus on creating and living this word, and why the next I’ll have ‘forgotten’ all about it.
Because there’s lots and lots of fears in the mind with regards to ‘self-creation’. Or rather with regards to doing or deciding anything for myself. Being self-directive. The mind is more geared towards just being a ‘follower’, a slave, someone who doesn’t decide things for themselves but who follows and takes instructions and just ‘does what everybody else is doing’.
And specifically walking it consistently would be an act of self-creation. Actually keeping the focus on it, and saying YES this is what I am creating! Cause deep down there is quite a bit of self-doubt actually. Where, even though yes I do sort of see how and why It would be supportive for me to live this word, when it comes to ACTUALLY ‘creating’ through being consistent, there’s a doubt that comes up that maybe I can’t really trust myself. Maybe I can’t really entirely trust my own assessment of what’s ‘best’ and of what to create. So yeah, maybe I should just let it go a bit and focus on other things.
Sort of a point of thinking ‘who am I to create anything?’ ‘Who am I to decide anything?’ ‘I don’t know anything and I have never known anything so who the hell am I to think that I know what is best?’ Even though lol, obviously a ‘safe haven’ is best. I mean, why wouldn’t it be? Wouldn’t it be truly ‘best for all’ if earth, if existence, was a ‘safe haven’? Yet somehow this ‘doubt’ point is making me give up on something that I can clearly see for myself is BEST. Something I do see is worth creating. Yet so much in me is still sort of giving the ‘benefit of the doubt’ to the mind. The mind saying ‘oh no all this other stuff is more important’. And sure, yes it’s also important to work with the day-to-day kind of points that come up, of course. BUT equally if not much more important to keep the eye on self-creation. Cause I mean I can ‘work with’ or ‘work through’ points till kingdom come, but at the end of the day I’m the one who needs to actually create that kingdom lol. So I do need to live that DECISION of ‘THIS is what I am CREATING!’ consistently, until I have created it.