And what if I am a Piece of Shit?

This is a continuation of my previous post "To be Self-Honest"

I always felt like a victim of 'strictness' and 'judgment'. Cause, "it makes me feel so bad about myself! So it must be bad!" And all those in my world and reality whom I felt judged or criticized me or pointed out my flaws or suggested that I 'try harder' or 'be better', I would blame for apparently 'abusing me'. For being 'too harsh' and 'inconsiderate' or 'controlling'. For not 'caring' enough about me.

I see now that such was actually the extent of my ego that I would simply invent and use any reason and excuse to not listen and actually consider the words that were spoken to me, which did in fact always hold some 'truth'. I would 'feel offended', making myself all 'sensitive', as though I 'can't handle' any 'harsh truth'. I mean what better way to make sure I never actually change?! By creating a 'personality' out of simply not listening to anything that might in any way show me what I'm accepting and allowing.

If anything what I have realized is that the ONLY thing that will in fact support me to change, is to be 'strict' and 'harsh' with myself. To stop 'sugar-coating' and beating around the bush and being all 'careful'. To stop assuming that I am 'too sensitive' to handle anything 'harsh'. I mean fuck, if I am truly 'life' itself, then I should be able to handle EVERYTHING. So any idea about being 'emotionally sensitive' is just an excuse to continue kidding myself and not take responsibility for all the actual SHIT that exists within and as me. And truly, none of it is in any way pretty, or nice, or 'good'. The reality is that I am an abuser, a deceiver, consumed by self-interest and devoid of care. A true 'piece of shit'. And the only way to change any of that, is to first of all get real with myself and stop pretending that I am just a 'dear little soul'. To step out of the position of the victim and stand in the point of the creator. As in, the one who's created this disgrace of a reality. The one who's responsible for all this, and the one who needs to stop it.

Retain your Identity like Water

This is a continuation of my previous post "What are you Waiting for?"

One neat little trick to test or check your self-honesty is who are you in the face of criticism? Are you able to stand in the point of knowing who you are regardless of what anybody may think, or will you feel threatened, intimidated, cornered and then lash out like a wild animal?

And this 'standing in the face of criticism' also includes, are you able to humble yourself and consider the words that are being spoken and have a real honest look at yourself? Are you able to learn, or are you going to get stuck in arrogance? In beliefs you have about who you are. That you'll defend tooth and nail.

Criticism only feels 'harsh' when you are 'harsh' inside. When you are starkly trying to hold on to your self-beliefs. To learn, you have to be soft and malleable. Not like a sponge lol The whole sponge metaphor is bullshit. That's how you develop resentment and distrust, when you 'unquestioningly' accept and agree to things, and 'absorb' like a 'sponge'.

Maybe a better metaphor would be to be like water. Water will still retain its 'identity' as 'water' even though it is at the same time very 'fluid' and 'flexible' and will take on pollutants and anything you throw at and in it. But no matter how polluted water gets, it is always in a constant movement, because that is it's 'identity'. To be fluid and moving and flexible. It doesn't take offense to the 'pollution'. It takes it in, purifies what it can, and leaves the rest.

That's how you have to be with criticism. Take it in unconditionally, 'purify' it as in learn from it what you can, and just leave the rest as that which isn't supportive.