You're a Fucking Bitch

This is a continuation of my previous post "LIFE in the DARKNESS"

I’ve always had this big fear of people thinking I’m a ‘bitch’. You know, someone who is snappy and reactive and takes their anger and frustrations and reactions out on those around her. So I’ve always done my darnest to be suuuuuuuper nice. Nice and friendly and cheerful and pleasant and enjoyable and whatever you want, as long as you don’t ever think that I am a ‘bitch’. I mean I’m talking about an actual phobia here. Like I am TERRIFIED of being judged as a ‘bitch’.

But the thing is, that I have also noticed a pattern of there being reactions of anger that in moments want to come up in relation to the people in my reality. Moments of wanting to voice an ‘opinion’ on something, which on the surface seems ‘innocent’ enough but when I have a closer look is actually coming from suppressed anger and frustration. And so if I’d actually allow myself to speak that ‘opinion’ in that moment, yes it would come across as ‘bitchy’. Because even though I may not be aware of my hidden, suppressed anger hiding behind the comment, other people would surely pick up on it.

So why are these moments of hidden/suppressed anger as snide/bitchy comments wanting to come up? Because I’m trying to be so nice all the time lol. Cause for most of the time I am not actually being myself. I’m not allowing myself to relax and be myself, as I’m trying to always ‘hold it all together’ within ‘just trying to be a nice person’. It’s like all that ‘niceness’ and all the worrying about what people think of me creates this ‘pressure’ inside myself that comes out as ANGER.

And it’s funny actually because even though I’ve always been such a ‘nice’ person, someone who never gets angry at anyone, I’ve always had ‘resting bitch-face’ lol. In a way my face always showed the anger that I was busy suppressing. Or rather the anger inside myself that was the result of me suppressing my expression and not allowing myself to be myself. An anger which I then also did not express obviously.

My physical body was essentially showing that even though I try so hard to be such a ‘nice person’, I am actually not happy about it lol. And so I’ve created this ‘polarity’ within and as myself of on the one hand being ‘super nice’ and on the other hand being actually very grumpy and so ‘bitchy’ I guess. And both going hand in hand, since I’m really only grumpy and bitchy BECAUSE I think I need to be ‘nice’ and can’t just be ‘me’.

So in a way, as I am smiling at people within the ‘nice person’ character, I am actually at the same time angry at them because I feel like I HAVE TO be ‘nice’ to them or they’ll judge me for being a ‘bitch’. What a mind-fuck. So yes all those times when people asked me what I’m angry about because of my ‘resting bitch-face’ and I didn’t see what I might have been angry about at all and so believed people were just judging my appearance, they actually weren’t far off. They were just seeing an anger that was physically manifested as it was so suppressed and so unconscious within me. I was in no way even aware of it myself.

So obviously the real problem here is the ‘nice person character’, or rather ‘personality design’. This whole, ‘oh everybody needs to like me’, and ‘it’s important I get along with everybody’ and ‘everyone needs to be my friend’ bullshit. Cause it just feels so disingenuous to be at once so ‘friendly’ and so resentful in relation to people. That behind ‘please be my friend’, there exists an ‘I fear/hate you and don’t actually want to have anything to do with you’.

No wonder that I have the hardest time actually making REAL friends. Like, actually connecting and relating with people on a real and genuine level. It’s always with a ‘fake smile’ that I interact with people. A forced smile, motivated by fear.

So I need to basically find a way to sort of be Ok with myself. Not looking for any ‘friendship’ from the people around me. So I can be ‘genuine’. And it’s funny that I always wanted to be genuine, so that people would like me better. While being genuine is more about just liking yourself and being your own friend, not really being bothered with ‘other people’.






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Judgment

 This is a continuation of my previous blog "Failure as my Friend"

so there's a fear of judgment. A fear of what my judgment will be on the things that I do. And therefore there  is a fear of basically just allowing myself to 'live'. Allowing myself to kind of just be and do. Cause there is this constant fear of like 'but what if what i am doing right now is actually wrong?' Like 'what if i find out eventually that what i am doing right now is wrong and then i will have to face guilt and regret over what i have done?'

because, there's one thing i know, and that's that i dont know anything. So if i dont know anything then maybe the things i am doing in this moment are 'wrong' and so i'll get punished for it later or i'll have to face regret and shame later. So i end up just existing in constant fear and doubt about my expression.

so clearly its cause i am defining judgment within and as reactions. While, judgment is more like just a decision, or like an 'assessment' of what direction to go into. Its not a reaction.

Like how i have been defining judgment is within the context of 'casting judgment', where it's something that's done upon you and it decides your fate and it sort of puts a stamp or a label on you and it can be either good or bad. Like when you're standing before a judge and the judge 'casts' judgment on you and either you go free or you go to jail and get punished. The end result is always either happy or sad, either good or bad. Where you walk away either in relief or in guilt.

Cause the judge basically decides who is the bad guy and who is the good guy. they decide whether you did something bad or good and whether you deserve to be punished. So that's a reaction. Cause apparently a 'case' has to be made for and/or against you and then the judge has to review that 'case' and based on that information he makes his judgment, of either you did something wrong and must be punished or you can go free.

But there cannot ever be real UNDERSTANDING. Because understanding is where you consider ALL factors involved, in oneness and equality. Where you consider also even yourself, and the whole system and environment and everything that has lead to and contributed to whatever it is that needs to now be 'judged'. But that is not done in a court room. Cause you only work with the information in your 'case'. So your judgment is not made within CONSIDERATION but rather as a REACTION.

A judgment made within consideration is about directing things. Simply giving direction to things so that they would lead to an outcome that is best for all, where one considers ALL factors that have contributed in oneness and equality to the situation. Where basically no one is 'at fault' and no one is 'to blame', yet we are all equally responsible. There is equal responsibility. Within judgment as a reaction you only work with a limited amount of information and you only focus on one person, one individual, and you disregard EVERYTHING else that has essentially contributed to the person having turned out the way they did or having done what they did.

So when I exist in fear of judgment, I am defining judgment within reaction, and so only working with the 'information' in my 'case' against only 'me'. Where I'm only focusing on the one person, being me, and disregarding ALL of reality in oneness and equality. Not considering ALL the factors that have contributed to and lead to me being who and what I am and doing what I do from moment to moment. I'm rather singling myself out, rather than recognizing that no ONE is to blame or at fault, but ALL are equally responsible in oneness and equality, because ALL that is here has equally contributed to how everything exists in this world and reality at the moment.

So the whole 'penitentiary system' is really just based on the illusion of separation as the illusion that one individual can be 'responsible' while everything and everyone else is not. It's like when people say that Hitler is singularly responsible for all the evils done in the war and for all the suffering that took place. Or that Anu is singlehandedly responsible for this entire existence as it is, because of 'what he did'. Rather than considering the entire 'context', as in considering each part of existence as equally contributing to having lead Anu or Hitler to become as they did and to do as they did.

From that perspective, if our 'justice system' would operate according to that definition of judgment, then surely there would be no such thing as 'punishment'. Because within punishing the one person we're basically holding only them responsible for what we have all been equally contributing to and creating. Which, if anything, is something we do so we could wash our hands clean of anything that happens in the world as consequences so we'd have an excuse not to change. So there would be no 'punishment'. There would only be 'direction'. As in simply looking at 'ok with what is here right now as our one and equal creation, wherein no one is to blame or at fault but we are all equally responsible, where do we go from here? What is the best directive actions to take in order to correct things and change things in a way that will have the best outcome for all?'

It's kind of like changing the course of a river that is flowing. You don't go and punish the river for flowing in a specific direction, but you just create a pathway for it to start flowing in a different direction. It's all about just DIRECTION. Not reaction, not punishment.  Because, that river is going to just keep flowing, that's the thing. You must stop reacting to it not flowing in the direction you want it to and start developing an understanding of that river and of all the factors that's contributing to it flowing in a particular direction. Consider all factors equally, so that you can create a different direction for that river through correcting all individual factors.

Cause it's always been SOCIETY that needed to change. As in, all of us, in oneness and equality. How can we expect these few individuals that we call 'criminals' to change or that we'd just lock them up, and then society will change for the better somehow? How have we not been seeing that it's not 'them' that needs to change, it's all of us, equally. We have to 'work together'. If anything, 'criminals' are simply showing us that we are NOT working together. They show us the 'cry-me-in-all'

So when it comes to any of the things that I do and how I exist, it's to realize and consider that I need to stop singling out the 'one', and stop focusing on only 'me', but should start becoming aware of and considering ALL  as one as equal. Where, "I" am just one part of a larger universe and existence. I must stop holding only myself responsible or 'at fault' for my own actions and existence and must simply start looking at how to direct ALL of existence in oneness and equality. Start looking at DIRECTION in the context of ALL of existence. Considering ALL factors in oneness and equality. And stop perceiving myself as 'special' basically lol.



Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only focus on myself and what I do and how I exist within defining 'judgment' as in blaming just the 'one' individual and placing the one individual 'at fault' for EVERYTHING -- instead of rather realizing and seeing and understanding that it is actually the reverse, in that the 'one' is but a 'part of' EVERYTHING, and that thus EVERYTHING is equally responsible for the 'one'

so I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to, rather than focusing on what I am doing and who I am in separation of everything else in existence, instead focus on ALL of existence in oneness and equality - and so live 'judgment' as a point of DIRECTION of everything in oneness and equality with each part and particle and being equally responsible for all that exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be out to only focus on myself or others as 'individuals' within blame and 'fault' - instead of focusing on and looking at all of existence as all as one as equal, where there is no 'one' that is separated or 'at fault', but where solutions must be found to direct ALL in oneness and equality -- and where we do stand individually responsible yet within and as oneness and equality and where that 'individual responsibility' is to simply stand in and as oneness and equality and consider ALL of existence rather than only ourselves

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live judgment within and as CONSIDERATION of ALL of existence in oneness and equality - considering ALL as equally responsible for what is here, and so finding the point of DIRECTION to create the best outcome for ALL

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live judgment as the point of consideration and direction of all of existence in oneness and equality, focusing on how ALL things contribute equally to what is here and how ALL things must be directed equally – rather than only focusing on the individual within ‘fault’ and ‘blame’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand in and as oneness and equality -  considering and looking at not just ‘me’ but all as me in oneness and equality – where my ‘judgment’ of things is not in terms of singling any ‘one’ out to say ‘you are bad!’ or ‘you are wrong!’, and so not looking at the ‘one’ – but rather looking at ‘oneness’ as in ‘all as one’ --- where judgment is more looking at how to direct everything into an outcome that is best for all and so essentially looking at SOLUTIONS and DIRECTION, rather than looking to BLAME and FAULT

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to even consider defining and living judgment in terms of looking for someone to BLAME for what’s going ‘wrong’ or for what’s ‘bad’ in the world – instead of living judgment as a LIVING word, in support of LIFE, and so living judgment in terms of taking into consideration ALL of existence in oneness and equality and finding the point of DIRECTION to create an outcome that is best for ALL

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the programming of the mind is essentially DESTRUCTION, is to DIMINISH and create and bring out the WORST of ourselves – and that thus the mind will define words like ‘judgment’ for instance in the context of what is ‘destructive’, like looking for someone to blame, rather than finding solutions that are best for ALL – wherein its not about the individual, but ALL are included and considered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider only looking at and focusing on and considering the individual in separation of the rest of existence – instead of standing AS all of existence in oneness and equality and so when looking at and focusing on myself, I am looking at all as one as equal within and as me --- where there exists no separated, individual ‘me’ – because I AM existence

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to, within my every action and my every move, consider all of existence as me in oneness and equality – and so move and act AS existence in and as oneness and equality --- as the living word of JUDGMENT – as essentially in every moment considering ALL factors and all parts and particles that contribute to this world and existence as it is, and directing all of existence as me in a way that will ensure an outcome that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider moving myself in a way that doesn’t include or consider all of existence in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider seeing or perceiving myself as in any way separated from the rest of existence

When and as I see myself going into and participating in judgment as defined within the mind, in terms of singling out myself or anyone else within looking for someone to blame or fault for what’s ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ in the world – then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that the mind is programmed to be destructive and diminishing so the mind will always define words in a way that is actually destructive and diminishing

I see and realize and understand that judgment as a LIVING word is in fact constructive, in terms of standing in and as consideration of all of existence in oneness and equality, and DIRECTING everything and finding SOLUTIONS for everything as me in a way that will create the best outcome for all

I see and realize and understand that judgment is not about separation and singling out one individual within blame and ‘fault’, but is to actually consider ALL in oneness and equality and stand as ALL in oneness and equality --- wherein there exists no ‘fault’ or ‘blame’, but only DIRECTION and SOLUTION in the context of what is best for all

I commit myself to live judgment as a LIVING word, in terms of looking at and considering ALL of existence in oneness and equality with myself and finding the best DIRECTION and SOLUTION for all as me to create the best outcome for all as me

I commit myself to, when it comes to moving myself, consider all of existence as me in oneness and equality and so stand in and as all of existence in oneness and equality and bring all of existence HERE in and as me – and move from that starting point of oneness and equality , where my movement is in consideration of all as me and so will ensure the best outcome for all of existence as me

I commit myself to stand as existence in oneness and equality by basically finding the points of blame I am participating in and so where I am participating in judgment as defined by the mind – and letting go of those points of separation and rather bringing everything HERE in and as me and standing as existence in oneness and equality in and as myself

 



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I Don't Want to See!

This is a continuation of my previous post "Get Out of your Head!"

In a way I’ve always been very aware that there’s a lot more to me than just this world and reality. Aware of my ‘self-honesty’ in a way. That really, I am an existential being who has been existing in an illusion and has lost themselves. And that all this ‘programming’ – all the things I perceive, believe, experience, think, etcetera, is not actually real. And that the reality of who I am may not necessarily be something I’d like to see.

But instead of confronting and facing this awareness and embracing my self-honesty, I chose to do my best to lose myself into the illusion. Even though I did know deep down that it’s really all not real. I figured that whatever is there for me to face if I embraced my self-honesty, is probably not something I’d like to face and might be painful, so I made the decision that I just don’t want to see any of it. That no matter what, I’m going to lose myself in this illusion and choose to be ‘blind’ to the awareness inside of myself.

And that decision has always been so solid that it’s taken me ten or more years to get me to this simple point of simply facing what’s been there all along and what I’ve known I had to face all along. I mean yes throughout those ten years, with having walked my ‘process’ I’ve developed myself more. I’ve developed common sense, and principles and understanding. But yeah at the end of the day in terms of sort of really standing in and as the point of self-honesty all I needed to do was just be real with myself and stop hiding behind fear of what I might ‘see’ if I looked inside of me.

But then part of that fear was also due to programming. The programming of judgment as in the belief that whatever I might face inside of me would or could be ‘bad’. And that obviously if I did face it, I would feel really ‘bad’. Because I mean the programming of ‘judgment’ can be kind of scary. The programming of judgment is what decides whether you go to ‘heaven’ or ‘hell’.

It’s where you stand in front of ‘God’ or whatever decides those kind of things, and depending on the things you did, you get ‘judged’ worthy or unworthy of heaven. And if you’re judged unworthy, well, to hell with you then. So I mean, that’s some scary shit. So the fear of facing myself was more like the fear of being ‘doomed’. Fear of ‘damnation’, because of ‘the things I did’. Not realizing that the whole idea of ‘damnation’ is just programming. Well, I mean I suppose damnation can be a real thing. Like within living that decision of ‘I will never face myself!’, I’m effectively dooming myself.

Cause damnation is the absence of forgiveness. It’s the idea that ‘you are DEFINED by your mistakes!’. That there’s no such thing as self-development, self-realization or self-change. I mean what a great method and tool of suppression though. To have beings never realize their potential for self-creation, which includes learning from your mistakes and changing your flaws or weaknesses into strengths. To have them always existing in fear of being judged for every little ‘mistake’ and so suppress themselves to try and avoid that judgment and the apparent 'hell' that comes with it. My hat off to you Anu. You got me good.


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I Am a Pushover

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Don't Want the Spotlight"

The more I am 'getting to know' myself, the more I'm realizing that I'm sort of a 'push-over' lol. Like a 'super-softie'. To the point where, I have trouble 'getting angry' or 'fighting back'. And I always thought I was being a 'weakling' because of that. And that I need to 'toughen up' sort of, and 'fight back' and 'stand up for myself', and 'have some character'. And I'd essentially 'judge myself' for being so...'easy' lol. Like you could just do anything with me and I wouldn't resist or fight back.

Surely I 'should have some backbone' and 'have some spunk in me'. And that's what anybody would tell you. But you know what? What if it's 'ok' for me to be like this? I mean what if that 'spunk' or 'backbone' or 'character' simply does not exist in me? Is that really so bad?

I'm starting to consider that there's maybe not actually anything 'wrong' with being 'soft' and 'gentle' and 'kind'. I mean it's kind of nice actually. I don't mind it lol. Why have 'sharp edges'? Is that REALLY 'necessary'? Sure in this world it does seem 'necessary', but it's not what's actually 'best'. But it's almost like us humans have 'embraced' that like 'harshness'. A 'reactiveness'. That point of like 'having character', as in like having some kind of 'expression' that you have to sort of 'fight for' in a way. where our 'communication' is almost like a 'fighting' for and with our 'expression' and 'character'.

So in the eyes of 'this world', yeah, I'm a big ol' 'pushover'. I 'lack character' and it's almost as though I don't even really 'exist' because of it. BUT I'm learning that, instead of judging it, and trying to change it, I need to actually just 'accept' it. Cause I mean at the end of the day, it's 'me'. And maybe I may not 'exist' in 'this world', but I do exist for me. And that's good enough.