Relaxation is... To Give Yourself A Break

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN" 

I sometimes find myself… well, “sometimes”, OFTEN lol. I OFTEN find myself sort of thinking about or ‘looking at’ myself. Thinking about ‘my place in the world’ in a way. ‘Who am I?’ And sometimes seeing, well, some ‘tough stuff’. That, in a lot of ways I haven’t been, and am not, who I’ve always believed myself to be. I’m not quite as ‘good’ and ‘innocent’ and ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest’ and what have you, as I tended to believe. It’s the ‘real shit’ in a way. Seeing more of a ‘real’ and honest portrait and representation of myself that’s not at all the image of positivity and good-heartedness I’ve been ‘hiding’ behind for all of my life.

And it can be quite a ‘bottomless pit’ sometimes. A barrel I could just stare down forever and ever. Where it seems as though, there’s just no end to my deception, to the lies, the manipulation, the hiding, the self-compromise.  It’s just a vast wasteland of hopelessness without a speck of ‘light’ so to speak. Something I could sink into and disappear in, and just keep sinking without ever reaching a bottom. And the regret and despair is immense. All of my mistakes, all of my shortcomings, my flaws, all of it. Once you start to really open things up, there’s just a vastness to it.

I mean this sort of ‘vastness’ only really opened up not too long ago, when I started really SEEING the consequences, and my responsibility and contribution to those consequences. Seeing the ACTUAL impact my actions and who I am within them is having on my reality. And seeing ALL the ways I have not been considering reality, but have more been lost within illusions and delusions in my mind. It’s been a shock to say the least, and easy to kind of get lost in, and get sucked into.

But I’ve realized that, at some point, I HAVE TO stop. I have to ‘give myself a break’. Yes it’s vast, and yes I’m sure there’s lots and lots more I’m not yet seeing and not yet considering and yes it’s all ‘pretty bad’. But at some point I need to be like ‘ok, whatever’. And just more focus on correcting and changing myself, than staring down the deep bottomless pit of regret for what I haven’t but should have been living. At the end of the day, what matters is CHANGE. Is that I do what I can with what I’ve got, to change and correct myself. I mean it’s cool to see where and how I’ve compromised myself, and have been ‘lacking’. But if it’s not being used to push myself to change, then it’s kind of useless and a waste of time.

Cause I’ve found that it does create like a point of ‘stress’ within me. Where, I’m not just living and not just ‘here’. I’m more sinking into a pit of all sorts of emotions and so on some level am entertaining the mind, even though yes, seeing something ‘real’. So I’ve learned to ‘relax’ within this point by just not allowing myself to get too swallowed up by the ‘vastness’, but more giving myself a break from it all. Not being defined by it. Cause at the end of the day, it’s still just programming and I decide if it’s going to define me or not.

 

 

 

www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

 

Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN!

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... Not Doing Anything"

So in my previous blog I wrote about this ‘business’, with always hopping from one thing to another, always in a rush and a hurry, trying to do a million things at once. And how to relax is to essentially bring the focus more ‘here’, rather than ‘everywhere else’. To ‘not do anything’, as in to be Ok with just being here.

Now I have noticed myself going into that ‘rushedness’ especially when I am at work. Where, I’ve found myself rushing and hurrying through my tasks and responsibilities EVEN when there is no need for me to do that. When I can get the same things done in the time that I have without rushing myself. I can take my time, do things at my own pace, more taking it easy, while still getting everything done that I need to get done. So why all the hurry?

What I’ve realized is that my starting point for hurrying/rushing myself in every moment, is this belief in the back of my mind that ‘I am not good enough’. A belief that I must prove myself. That I must prove that I am effective and efficient and fast and good at what I do. Like I actually believe that I’m pretty shit at everything, so I must sort of ‘over-perform’ through rushing and putting in MUCH MORE effort than is required into everything I do so I can ‘prove’ to people: ‘Look! I can do this! I am good at this! I am not shit!’

So there is a constant focus on ‘other people’. Within that point of ‘I must prove myself’ to people, and ‘must show people’ what I’m made of. But obviously no matter what I do, no matter how efficient and effective and fast and good I prove myself to be, it really makes no difference. Its not like I ever reach a point where I can ‘finally accept myself’ and finally relax and be content with myself. I just keep on looping in that rushed state, never good enough, never relaxing, never satisfied with myself.

So with the point of ‘relaxing’ this is something I’ve been having to take on. To really catch myself each time I access this state, which is all the time lol, and slow myself down and look at where within myself am I in this belief that ‘I’m not good enough’ and that ‘I must prove myself to others’? And the reason why this is such a ‘tricky’ point and why it’s been so difficult to change within it, is because it is a negative hiding behind a positive. The ‘rushedness’ actually feels like a positive experience. An adrenaline. It makes me feel ‘good’. It makes me feel good about myself, for a moment, as I am busy ‘proving myself’ – so there is a ‘reward’ there. Or at least the experience of it. But it actually does quite a number on my body.

And it’s been my body that’s been showing me: ‘hey! Slow down girl! Look at what you’re doing to yourself, by not looking at your starting point behind this rushedness!’ Because, the thing is that I was coping just fine! Lol I was just fine not slowing myself down and not working on my relationship with myself, in terms of self-acceptance. It was working for me, to lose myself in the rushedness energy as my ‘compensation’ for my inner accepted ‘inferiority’. So my body stepped in and took a stand and went ‘no more!’, and so now forcing me to walk and change this point the hard way, through pain, because I wasn’t doing it on my own. That’s consequence for ya. It’s in the things you don’t tend to question.

So it’s now a painstaking process for me to really do the thing I have been avoiding all this time. To SLOW DOWN lol. Take responsibility for my relationship with myself. Stop hiding behind the rushedness energy, and work on how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be inferior and not good enough. To stop coping and start actually resolving and correcting and changing. To stop being so gullible when it comes to energy and start taking responsibility for what I’m accepting and allowing. So, thank you body lol. It’s a kick in the butt. But one I needed, evidently.

 

 

 

www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

 

Relaxation is... Not Doing Anything

 

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is...Understanding People"

Or, let me rephrase that. It’s to not do any of the things that your thoughts tell you to do. I’ve certainly always had that feeling within myself that somehow things are not ‘enough’. That whatever I’m doing, or whatever I have, or have achieved and done and accomplished, isn’t ‘enough’. I must do MORE! I must do BETTER! I’m not good enough yet! And it does create just a ‘generalized anxiety’ experience in me.

So relaxation is to not ‘do’ any of that. To be Ok with not doing anything. Or rather, to only just do the simple things. The things that support you in your life. The essentials. And ignore the constant ‘bubbling’ thoughts that come up with this excitement/anxiety attached to it, going ‘hey what about this?’, ‘and what about that?’, and ‘we could do this!’ or ‘we should do that!’

It’s to ‘take it easy’. Find out what life and living is really about, without what the mind is constantly trying to tell me about what it means to ‘live’, which is apparently to do this, and that, and the next thing. Which more then actually ends up fuelling emotional/feeling energy, and more thoughts and excitement/anxiety, than support me with being settled and grounded within myself. It’s like just attention diversion the whole time. Like hey lets place all of your attention on all these different things you apparently should be doing, so you don’t recognize or realize what it really means to LIVE. So you don’t get that living is to be HERE. To let all of that go, and BE.

Like, who are you even under all that constant chatter and rushedness and never feeling ‘good enough’, and the constant sense of having to prove yourself? Or what will you find if you were able to let go of all that? If you stop TRYING to be ‘good enough’ by doing a million things at once. Me, I don’t know lol. But I’m going to find out.