Relaxation is... To Give Yourself A Break

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN" 

I sometimes find myself… well, “sometimes”, OFTEN lol. I OFTEN find myself sort of thinking about or ‘looking at’ myself. Thinking about ‘my place in the world’ in a way. ‘Who am I?’ And sometimes seeing, well, some ‘tough stuff’. That, in a lot of ways I haven’t been, and am not, who I’ve always believed myself to be. I’m not quite as ‘good’ and ‘innocent’ and ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest’ and what have you, as I tended to believe. It’s the ‘real shit’ in a way. Seeing more of a ‘real’ and honest portrait and representation of myself that’s not at all the image of positivity and good-heartedness I’ve been ‘hiding’ behind for all of my life.

And it can be quite a ‘bottomless pit’ sometimes. A barrel I could just stare down forever and ever. Where it seems as though, there’s just no end to my deception, to the lies, the manipulation, the hiding, the self-compromise.  It’s just a vast wasteland of hopelessness without a speck of ‘light’ so to speak. Something I could sink into and disappear in, and just keep sinking without ever reaching a bottom. And the regret and despair is immense. All of my mistakes, all of my shortcomings, my flaws, all of it. Once you start to really open things up, there’s just a vastness to it.

I mean this sort of ‘vastness’ only really opened up not too long ago, when I started really SEEING the consequences, and my responsibility and contribution to those consequences. Seeing the ACTUAL impact my actions and who I am within them is having on my reality. And seeing ALL the ways I have not been considering reality, but have more been lost within illusions and delusions in my mind. It’s been a shock to say the least, and easy to kind of get lost in, and get sucked into.

But I’ve realized that, at some point, I HAVE TO stop. I have to ‘give myself a break’. Yes it’s vast, and yes I’m sure there’s lots and lots more I’m not yet seeing and not yet considering and yes it’s all ‘pretty bad’. But at some point I need to be like ‘ok, whatever’. And just more focus on correcting and changing myself, than staring down the deep bottomless pit of regret for what I haven’t but should have been living. At the end of the day, what matters is CHANGE. Is that I do what I can with what I’ve got, to change and correct myself. I mean it’s cool to see where and how I’ve compromised myself, and have been ‘lacking’. But if it’s not being used to push myself to change, then it’s kind of useless and a waste of time.

Cause I’ve found that it does create like a point of ‘stress’ within me. Where, I’m not just living and not just ‘here’. I’m more sinking into a pit of all sorts of emotions and so on some level am entertaining the mind, even though yes, seeing something ‘real’. So I’ve learned to ‘relax’ within this point by just not allowing myself to get too swallowed up by the ‘vastness’, but more giving myself a break from it all. Not being defined by it. Cause at the end of the day, it’s still just programming and I decide if it’s going to define me or not.

 

 

 

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Relaxation is... Not Doing Anything

 

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is...Understanding People"

Or, let me rephrase that. It’s to not do any of the things that your thoughts tell you to do. I’ve certainly always had that feeling within myself that somehow things are not ‘enough’. That whatever I’m doing, or whatever I have, or have achieved and done and accomplished, isn’t ‘enough’. I must do MORE! I must do BETTER! I’m not good enough yet! And it does create just a ‘generalized anxiety’ experience in me.

So relaxation is to not ‘do’ any of that. To be Ok with not doing anything. Or rather, to only just do the simple things. The things that support you in your life. The essentials. And ignore the constant ‘bubbling’ thoughts that come up with this excitement/anxiety attached to it, going ‘hey what about this?’, ‘and what about that?’, and ‘we could do this!’ or ‘we should do that!’

It’s to ‘take it easy’. Find out what life and living is really about, without what the mind is constantly trying to tell me about what it means to ‘live’, which is apparently to do this, and that, and the next thing. Which more then actually ends up fuelling emotional/feeling energy, and more thoughts and excitement/anxiety, than support me with being settled and grounded within myself. It’s like just attention diversion the whole time. Like hey lets place all of your attention on all these different things you apparently should be doing, so you don’t recognize or realize what it really means to LIVE. So you don’t get that living is to be HERE. To let all of that go, and BE.

Like, who are you even under all that constant chatter and rushedness and never feeling ‘good enough’, and the constant sense of having to prove yourself? Or what will you find if you were able to let go of all that? If you stop TRYING to be ‘good enough’ by doing a million things at once. Me, I don’t know lol. But I’m going to find out.

Get Out of your Head!

this is a continuation of my previous post "The Imprisoned Self-Awareness"

The act of 'thinking'  can give a sense of security. Like oh you're thinking, you must be considering many things and taking much into account, thus apparently creating a 'security' for yourself. The security of 'I've though of everything!' Without thoughts, it's like you're naked. It's just you in the moment and nothing else.

And because thoughts is like this voice in your head, or like something systemic, like a machine, it certainly feels and seems as though it's in some way 'trustworthy'. Like it will 'pull you through' and 'guide the way'. Like a map that knows how to navigate the roads of the world.

But, what are thoughts really? Ideally I suppose, sure, they should be like a map. Something you can 'consult' or use to put things in a certain structure, like creating a map where you bring a bunch of information together and hold it there within a containment so you can look at it all.

But I'm starting to realize that how thoughts exist currently, or rather how I've accepted them to exist within me, is definitely NOT in a way that's supportive or 'guiding' or even useful. If anything, the way that my thoughts exist is more like a reflection of the directionlessness and lostness and 'chaos' of the 'inner me'. Where, sure, I'm thinking about things, and that machine of thoughts is always turning, but it's not in any way 'organized' and it certainly does not give me oversight, like a map would, of anything.

It's actually more like, because my starting point as the 'inner me' is not stable and is more like 'all over the place', my thoughts will also be 'unstable' and 'all over the place'. And so will at the end of the day only contribute to the problem and make it worse, rather than actually give me stability and structure.

So I suppose my mistake was always to place my thoughts first, before myself, and say "lead the way!". Rather than realizing that thoughts are just a tool and that it's me who needs to 'lead the way'. I need to live stability and structure and direction as myself first, and then I may be able to use thoughts to look at points. But I can never think that thoughts have any power or ability in and of themselves. If anything, thoughts will more just mold and shape themselves around and according to the direction that I give myself internally and will thus simply be a reflection of who I am inside.