This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN"
I sometimes find myself… well, “sometimes”, OFTEN lol. I OFTEN find myself sort of thinking about or ‘looking at’ myself. Thinking about ‘my place in the world’ in a way. ‘Who am I?’ And sometimes seeing, well, some ‘tough stuff’. That, in a lot of ways I haven’t been, and am not, who I’ve always believed myself to be. I’m not quite as ‘good’ and ‘innocent’ and ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest’ and what have you, as I tended to believe. It’s the ‘real shit’ in a way. Seeing more of a ‘real’ and honest portrait and representation of myself that’s not at all the image of positivity and good-heartedness I’ve been ‘hiding’ behind for all of my life.
And it can be quite a ‘bottomless pit’ sometimes. A barrel I could just stare down forever and ever. Where it seems as though, there’s just no end to my deception, to the lies, the manipulation, the hiding, the self-compromise. It’s just a vast wasteland of hopelessness without a speck of ‘light’ so to speak. Something I could sink into and disappear in, and just keep sinking without ever reaching a bottom. And the regret and despair is immense. All of my mistakes, all of my shortcomings, my flaws, all of it. Once you start to really open things up, there’s just a vastness to it.
I mean this sort of ‘vastness’ only really opened up not too long ago, when I started really SEEING the consequences, and my responsibility and contribution to those consequences. Seeing the ACTUAL impact my actions and who I am within them is having on my reality. And seeing ALL the ways I have not been considering reality, but have more been lost within illusions and delusions in my mind. It’s been a shock to say the least, and easy to kind of get lost in, and get sucked into.
But I’ve realized that, at some point, I HAVE TO stop. I have to ‘give myself a break’. Yes it’s vast, and yes I’m sure there’s lots and lots more I’m not yet seeing and not yet considering and yes it’s all ‘pretty bad’. But at some point I need to be like ‘ok, whatever’. And just more focus on correcting and changing myself, than staring down the deep bottomless pit of regret for what I haven’t but should have been living. At the end of the day, what matters is CHANGE. Is that I do what I can with what I’ve got, to change and correct myself. I mean it’s cool to see where and how I’ve compromised myself, and have been ‘lacking’. But if it’s not being used to push myself to change, then it’s kind of useless and a waste of time.
Cause I’ve found that it does create like a point of ‘stress’ within me. Where, I’m not just living and not just ‘here’. I’m more sinking into a pit of all sorts of emotions and so on some level am entertaining the mind, even though yes, seeing something ‘real’. So I’ve learned to ‘relax’ within this point by just not allowing myself to get too swallowed up by the ‘vastness’, but more giving myself a break from it all. Not being defined by it. Cause at the end of the day, it’s still just programming and I decide if it’s going to define me or not.
www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com
No comments:
Post a Comment