This is a continuation of my previous post "I Shall not Express myself"
When it comes to the ‘relationship point’ I seem to have the
hardest time really looking at it and working with it. Cause it’s this point of
‘secret desire’ that has preoccupied most of my life. And in a big way, it
still ‘preoccupies’ me. It’s kind of like a distraction actually in a lot of
ways. On a subconscious and unconscious level it just kind of ‘captures’ my
awareness and keeps it ‘locked’ and ‘preoccupied’ and ‘entertained’.
So that got me asking myself, ‘why am I in a relationship
actually?’ And why are ‘agreements’ a thing in terms of process? When I’d
actually be a lot more effective on my own, not in a relationship. Like just a
lot more self-directive and self-confident and clear. I’d be more ‘my own
person’. Most of the ‘issues’ and the things I ‘go through’ from moment to
moment wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t in a relationship. So wtf.
I mean really the only point I am seeing as to the relevancy
of being in a relationship IS that it’s programmed to be such a distraction in
the mind that it’s like a test. Like an extra challenge in your process, just
there to sort of push your ultimate resolve. To see whether you’re going to give
in to the distraction or will you still push yourself to be self-honest.
I’m sure there’s another ‘purpose’ to it lol, in terms of ‘living
words’ and walking a ‘creation process’ with another person. But I feel like I’m
just not there yet. Cause in all honesty I just haven’t been quite willing to
entirely ‘let go’ of the relationship point. And so basically, just not really ‘wanting’
to change. And for right now I’m still focusing on just trying to get myself to
a place of self-honesty and self-responsibility. Cause I seem to so easily just
hide this point from myself, just so I wouldn’t be in a capacity to direct it.
And yeah it’s kind of fucked up that there’s this level of
dishonesty within me that I can’t just be straight with myself about these
things and that I’d sabotage and manipulate myself to that extent, just cause I
guess on a pretty deep level there’s just sheer addiction. And like an addict, I
lie and cheat and deceive to just be able to continue participating in my
addiction.
And I guess I got to just follow like a ’12 step program’ to
walk myself out of the addiction slowly but surely, rather than expecting
myself to be able to just ‘quit cold turkey’. Cause clearly this point has much
more of a hold on me than I’ve cared to admit to myself. And it might still be
quite a journey for me to actually change.
