The Purpose of a Relationship

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Shall not Express myself"

When it comes to the ‘relationship point’ I seem to have the hardest time really looking at it and working with it. Cause it’s this point of ‘secret desire’ that has preoccupied most of my life. And in a big way, it still ‘preoccupies’ me. It’s kind of like a distraction actually in a lot of ways. On a subconscious and unconscious level it just kind of ‘captures’ my awareness and keeps it ‘locked’ and ‘preoccupied’ and ‘entertained’.

So that got me asking myself, ‘why am I in a relationship actually?’ And why are ‘agreements’ a thing in terms of process? When I’d actually be a lot more effective on my own, not in a relationship. Like just a lot more self-directive and self-confident and clear. I’d be more ‘my own person’. Most of the ‘issues’ and the things I ‘go through’ from moment to moment wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t in a relationship. So wtf.

I mean really the only point I am seeing as to the relevancy of being in a relationship IS that it’s programmed to be such a distraction in the mind that it’s like a test. Like an extra challenge in your process, just there to sort of push your ultimate resolve. To see whether you’re going to give in to the distraction or will you still push yourself to be self-honest.

I’m sure there’s another ‘purpose’ to it lol, in terms of ‘living words’ and walking a ‘creation process’ with another person. But I feel like I’m just not there yet. Cause in all honesty I just haven’t been quite willing to entirely ‘let go’ of the relationship point. And so basically, just not really ‘wanting’ to change. And for right now I’m still focusing on just trying to get myself to a place of self-honesty and self-responsibility. Cause I seem to so easily just hide this point from myself, just so I wouldn’t be in a capacity to direct it.

And yeah it’s kind of fucked up that there’s this level of dishonesty within me that I can’t just be straight with myself about these things and that I’d sabotage and manipulate myself to that extent, just cause I guess on a pretty deep level there’s just sheer addiction. And like an addict, I lie and cheat and deceive to just be able to continue participating in my addiction.

And I guess I got to just follow like a ’12 step program’ to walk myself out of the addiction slowly but surely, rather than expecting myself to be able to just ‘quit cold turkey’. Cause clearly this point has much more of a hold on me than I’ve cared to admit to myself. And it might still be quite a journey for me to actually change.

The Self-Interest Demon

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Unwillingness to Give up on Something"

The self-interest demon is the 'who' and 'what' I really am. Like, underneath all the 'trying' to 'not be self-interested', I am in fact self-interest personified. And the self-interest demon, only cares about self-interest. Only cares about ENERGY. In fact, it IS pure energy. Always moving around. Sort of a 'catch me if you can'.

Something that sort of can't be 'contained' or 'told what to do'. Something that doesn't follow any 'rules' or structure in any way whatsoever. It JUST WANTS ENERGY. It doesn't care about what 'makes sense'. It doesn't care about your rules or beliefs or ideas or, god forbid, 'intentions'. It sort of 'can't be tamed'.

So, if you do want to 'tame it', you better be very smart about it. Cause it will SABOTAGE every attempt. You better fully understand what you're dealing with. And don't underestimate it. You better recognize, the full extent and existence of this thing.

And you might judge it, and try to deny it. Cause it's not a pretty sight. I mean it's a demon lol. An addiction. But the only way is by accepting it. Like accepting 'ok I guess this is me'. Sort of just being real with yourself about what's really going on. Which might not be what you might have believed about yourself.

Only from that point of acceptance can you start to sort of 'direct it'. Being 'fully aware' that the 'nature' of the self-interest demon is to exploit your every 'weakness'. Which is every little point wherein you're not standing one and equal with it. Points of judgment, suppression and self-delusion.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about this self interest demon within me

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide this self interest demon within myself, underneath beliefs about 'who I am' as positively charged self-delusions  - like the belief that 'I care' and 'I do what's best' and 'I have good intentions' and 'I am a responsible adult'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest and real with myself about the fact that 'deep down' I am actually addicted to ENERGY and I care about nothing else than to satisfy my wants, needs and desires for ENERGY

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the point of 'self-interest' within and as me is completely without principles, without 'morals', without 'rules', or 'self-awareness' or 'self-restraint' and so cannot in fact be 'trusted' -- but must be 'accepted' and 'directed', without judgment or reactions to it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the self-interest demon within and as me shows me my self-delusions - as it WILL NOT LISTEN to anything, unless I stand one and equal with it and direct it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the self-interest demon and stand one and equal with it - and to not make illusions about 'who I am', but rather accept and realize that this self-interest demon is the 'real me' as who and what I have become, as addicted to energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make illusions about 'who I am', within denial and judgment and suppression of the self-interest demon as 'who I really am' - just because I don't want to truly see and face the actual 'reality' of me -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in fact, the self-interest demon FEEDS off of this self-dishonesty as it uses and exploits my 'weaknesses' to generate energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the self-delusions in the mind as these positively charged beliefs I have of myself, which actually just serve to hide the self-interest demon - instead of being real with myself and accepting the self-interest demon as one and equal with and as myself and directing it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anytime I go into any positively charged self-delusions, I am only feeding the self-interest demon  - and that I need to simply accept and stand one and equal with it and be real with myself about how I actually exist 'deep down'

When and as I see myself accessing positively charged self-delusions in the mind, as beliefs about myself and 'who I am', then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that I'm just in denial of the reality of myself, which is that the 'who' and 'what' I have become and am existing as, is in fact a self-interest demon as an addiction to ENERGY

and I see, realize and understand that by going into these self-delusional self-beliefs, I am just feeding the self-interest demon as it feeds off of my 'weaknesses' as the points wherein I am simply not being honest and real with myself

and that I just need to accept and stand one and equal with this self-interest demon in and as me, so that I can practically, realistically direct it

I commit myself to be real with myself instead of creating illusions as beliefs in my mind about 'who I am' - and to accept the self-interest demon as the 'reality' of 'who' and 'what' I am and have become, and stand one and equal with it, and to direct it from the starting point of that oneness and equality -- actually grounding myself by being 'down-to-earth' and 'real' with myself about 'who' I actually am and what's actually required of me so I can direct me effectively in reality