I shall not express myself

This is a continuation of my previous post "Fighting for Righteousness"

so it's kind of weird, this thing. This point within me wherein I seem to have learned not to express myself. Not to ever 'express' the real me sort of speak. Like, anything that I do express always comes from a starting point of 'careful deliberation' in the mind. From 'thinking' wherein i decide 'how I should express myself'. So there is like a almost 'complete' suppression of me as the directive principle. Cause it's always my thoughts that are that directive principle. It's like at some point in my life I 'accepted' that I should not express me. And that I must express only thoughts.

So I suppressed like the 'genuine' part of me. That which would 'genuinely' express itself, without thoughts and without thinking. And it's like hiding under just this 'wall' of like almost an attacking of myself. Or like, basically all the 'reasons' for why I cannot and should not express myself. Which is like judgments of myself and like thoughts about all the things I believe I've done wrong and so this wall is kind of like a 'punishment' of myself. Or like this point of believing that I don't 'deserve' to express myself because oh look at all these things that I am doing wrong. All these reasons why I don't deserve to be genuine and 'free' and 'me'.

Like for instance something that will come up is that 'I wasted too much time walking my process', that I am 'too late'. Specifically compared to others, it's this belief that I should be punished for that or at least judged for it, and so must sit in this 'containment' until the judge and jury has decided that I may be released. Until I've 'done my sentence' in a way. Like if this 'real me' really is 'pure' and 'innocent', then I must be 'found innocent' and basically must have done nothing 'wrong'. But the thing is that I can always find so many things 'wrong' that I've done. So many ways in which I did not sort of measure up to the 'ideal'. Take Sunette for example. She would be the 'ideal'.

Like, from what I 'know' of her, she walked her process and transcended her mind in like a few years, and then started portaling. Whereas me, more than ten years later from when I began my process, here I am still only moved in 'increments'. Like sure I've changed from when I started, but I don't have the ability to portal, so like I am not yet as 'self-realized' as Sunette has been for years. So she's always like a reminder that I've just been 'wasting my time' and that I am just not disciplined enough, not driven enough, not self-honest enough, not self-responsible enough. Or at least that I haven't been. So then, do I really 'deserve' to sort of 'freely express myself'? When my 'track record' clearly shows that I never actually 'cared' enough about life to try harder?

But then, life is me isn't it? And the point of 'not caring about life' is the mind. So then at the end of the day it doesn't matter 'how long it took me' and 'how long I've wasted time', cause to care about life, as me, is to simply allow myself the freedom to express myself genuinely, unconditionally. Where, 'how long' it took me to get there doesn't matter. Cause only the mind would use something like that to still just 'prolong' that time. Only the mind would use numbers like days, months, years, hours, to 'calculate' and 'reason' why you would or would not 'deserve' something. And only the mind would use the concept of 'deserving' in the first place. For life, as me, the only thing that matters is that you're 'here'.

Doesn't matter how you 'compare' or what you've done in the past. None of that 'matters' because life is about being 'here'. Life doesn't 'hold grudges'. Life doesn't even have a 'memory'. Life is just 'expression'. Life doesn't care about you trying to 'rectify' or 'do penance' or 'atone'. Life is about unconditionally letting go and starting over. In every moment. All these words like atonement and even 'forgiveness' are things the mind uses to create 'the past' as 'memory'. To create the illusion that you are 'shackled' to something. Something that 'haunts' you and 'burdens' you and therefore you cannot just 'be you'. You cannot just express yourself genuinely and innocently. You have to have these 'memories' that just trail behind you and accumulate as you live your life and just sort of becomes more and more 'shit' that you now have to somehow 'rectify'.

And it's quite well done, this 'system'. This 'system' that makes these 'memories' seem like it's really 'who we are'. Where you look at your memories and go, "yeah, that's me". And you accept this 'prison'. Cause it 'makes sense' to you that 'life' is like this. That you have these things called memories, that somehow make up or define who you are. These things that sort of build this wall around you, and make it impossible for you to be 'free' in your expression.