Fear of Failure and self-forgiveness - Day 1

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project ‘failure’ onto the future in my mind – and to react to any possible decision that I’m considering with a fear of it ‘failing’ in the future --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief in apparent ‘failure’ is something I have inherited from my father as he used to emotionally abuse me by making me feel like I ‘failed’ at things as in that I was not capable of succeeding or being successful and that I was apparently just an ‘idiot’ who made all the wrong decisions and was doing ‘stupid’ things in their life without any capability at being successful at anything

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that that definition of ‘failure’ doesn’t actually exist except for in the mind as a thought and emotional experience, as it is in fact a personality programming of beating up on myself, expecting the worst and having a negative opinion of myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as that negatively charged emotional experience of disappointment – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a consequence of having grown up in an environment where there were a lot of ‘expectations’ placed and defined as a ‘positive’ point, where ‘disappointment’ as a reaction to apparent ‘failure’ to live up to the expectations was then used as the negative within and as a polarity – in order to keep the child ‘in line’ as in living according to the expectations as ‘wants’ of the parent, as what was defined as a ‘failure’ was all preprogrammed and decided by the expectations and wants of the parents and thus not what the word ‘failure’ actually is

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘failure’ in and as that preprogrammed mind consciousness system where ‘failure’ is defined by the parents expectations and used as a manipulation tactic to keep the child in line with the parents’ wants --- instead of being the self-directive principle of and as the word ‘failure’ and live the word failure as a principle as a living word rather than a word defined in and as energy as the mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an emotional experience to the word ‘failure’, where I suddenly feel ‘bad’ about myself and feel disappointed and I feel down on myself and beat up on myself for being an apparent ‘failure’ as in believing that I couldn’t do what I was apparently ‘supposed to’ do as in the expectations that were there for me and now that I did not live up to those expectations, I am apparently ‘inferior’ and worth less than others who apparently DID achieve and live up to the ‘expectations’ –

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word failure with an emotional experience of inferiority and a belief that I am ‘less than’ others who were apparently ‘successful’ or who apparently ‘havent failed’ – where I have defined the word failure within and as comparison with others and a belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to and if I cannot live up to those apparent expectations then I am a ‘failure’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as the belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to – instead of seeing realizing and understanding that failure as a living word is when I give up on myself, by for instance trying to live up to other people’s expectations, so the word failure is a reminder to myself to trust myself and honor myself and make sure that I believe in myself and place myself first rather than compare myself to others

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to fail is to give up on myself and to stop trusting and supporting and believing in myself, to stop pushing and moving and motivating myself – and has nothing to do with expectations from other people or expectations in general

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail by not believing in myself and giving up on myself in and as a ‘fear of failure’ as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to live the word failure as a living word as a reminder to stand by myself and support myself and not give up on myself

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to ‘fail’ as a living word and principle is in fact the opposite of how ‘failure’ is defined in and as the mind, where the mind defines failure as not being able to live up to expectations in separation with self, while ‘failure’ as a living word would be for instance to try to live up to expectations rather than honoring oneself and living by ones own principles, and to give up oneself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop believing in myself because I believed that I ‘failed’ because I could not live up to certain expectations that I was measuring myself up to – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the real ‘failure’ was that I stopped believing in myself and stopped supporting myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by believing that I have already failed as I’ve defined the word failure in and as an energy polarity and an experience of fear

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider allowing this fear of failure to influence me into giving up on myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘failure’ is to give up on myself and that I can only fail if I give up

 

When and as I see myself going into fear of failing as a fear where I project emotional experiences of inferiority, regret, shame and disappointment into the future – then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that ‘failure’ is not a negatively charged emotional energy connected with a belief that I ‘havent lived up to expectations’, but failure is in fact the abandonment of myself here and the giving up on myself

 

So I see, realize and understand that it is in fact this point of existing in fear of failure as a future projection that is me living ‘failure’ as I am not trusting, supporting, motivating or believing in myself or doing what’s best for myself HERE but rather trusting these future projections as imaginations in the mind

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘failure’ as a reminder to keep trusting and supporting and believing in myself and a reminder that to fail is to give up on myself

 

I see, realize and understand that failure has nothing to do with ‘expectations’ but has everything to do with my relationship with myself and whether I am honoring myself and what is best for me in my life

 

I commit myself to honor myself and what is best for myself  - to trust myself, support myself and not give up on myself and what is best for me as life in and as the physical in oneness and equality

 

I see, realize and understand that I can only fail if I give up on myself and that the moment I give up on myself, I have failed and that therefore the fear of failing is not an excuse to give up on myself as ‘failure’ is never real unless I give up on myself

 

I commit myself to live success as a living word and principle of not giving up on myself and not allowing myself to ‘fail’

 

I see, realize and understand that success is not about living up to expectations in separation of myself but is about honoring myself and being true to myself and supporting myself unconditionally within anything and everything I do in my life and never giving up on myself and on supporting myself

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘success’ as the principle of not giving up on myself as life in and as the physical in and as oneness and equality – not allowing myself to fail, which is to give up on myself – and to commit myself to support, motivate and move myself unconditionally, not allowing anything to influence me to ‘give up’

Being your own worst enemy

 It is interesting, this point was brought home to me through the principle of what your reality is showing you is what you accept and allow, your reality being a mirror to you.  To have a look at specific people in my reality and what they mirror back to me, what stands out is very particular programming of 'being your own worst enemy'. Programming of self-sabotage. Where, there's not much wrong with your environment per se. Your environment is here, and gives you plenty of opportunity for you to create, yet, it's you within yourself who is more choosing to deteriorate rather than move forward and create.

So it's more through seeing what is happening to people in my environment, and in some ways to myself, that I am seeing what I am accepting and allowing in and as me. As in a choice to deteriorate, and hold back, rather than move forward and create. 

Let's take person X as example. Person X does an interesting thing where it is by no lack of trying or talent or skill that they seem to keep cycling in the same unsupportive and dire circumstances and situations. It's more their emotional patterns that cause them to not support themselves properly to move forward in their life and create a supportive physical environment for themselves. They're actually quite driven and decided to make the best of themselves and to 'get ahead' in life and succeed. But a pattern wherein they sabotage themselves in for example, is a 'blame' of their situation, of the world around them, of the universe, and of other people, as to why it is that they cannot seem to move forward or change anything to their circumstances. It is a point of believing that 'I am in this situation because reality is not cooperating'. And so a self-pity as well, which sometimes can spill over into suicidal tendencies even, when the anger and self-pity becomes overwhelming.

I know that to a large extent I have changed this particular programming within myself, where I am quite aware that everything about me and my life is in my hands. That, if I do not move, nothing will. And that thus, I must find a way. Even if everything seems impossible for me to change and do anything. I must find a way, because reality will not do anything for me. In fact, given the current world system, the chips are always stacked against me, if I have any integrity at all and want to create and do anything that involves integrity.

Yet clearly, my reality being a mirror, there are some aspects of it that I have not yet grasped or understood and changed. Because yes, even though I do have this understanding that everything is in my hands, there has still at the same time been this point of 'stuckness' that I've found myself in. Where, I'm not particularly moving either way. Even though, I want to and am trying to. There are some dimensions there of self-sabotage that I have not yet been able to change. Where, I have in a way even given up on trying to find different ways. Given up on truly supporting myself, because no matter what I did, I seemed to always end up feeling stuck. 

So perhaps, working with my reality within the mirror principle may give me some new perspective. And in a way it is a point of expanding my responsibility as well. To take responsibility for the lives of those around me by realizing and seeing how they mirror some points within me that I am accepting and allowing (without being consciously aware of it).

So yes with person X I'm very much working with a pattern of basically feeling stifled, held back and sabotaged at every turn and effort by reality. A sense of 'I am doing and trying everything that I can, but it's reality that isn't cooperating somehow. There is something about the end result of my actions that is out of my hands.' But it's actually a point where I 'give up' and don't push through or venture beyond. And that point has nothing to do with reality but is more a point inside myself that I've decided is too overwhelming or overpowering for me, and I just cannot move past it.

This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'.

To be continued...