Being your own worst enemy

 It is interesting, this point was brought home to me through the principle of what your reality is showing you is what you accept and allow, your reality being a mirror to you.  To have a look at specific people in my reality and what they mirror back to me, what stands out is very particular programming of 'being your own worst enemy'. Programming of self-sabotage. Where, there's not much wrong with your environment per se. Your environment is here, and gives you plenty of opportunity for you to create, yet, it's you within yourself who is more choosing to deteriorate rather than move forward and create.

So it's more through seeing what is happening to people in my environment, and in some ways to myself, that I am seeing what I am accepting and allowing in and as me. As in a choice to deteriorate, and hold back, rather than move forward and create. 

Let's take person X as example. Person X does an interesting thing where it is by no lack of trying or talent or skill that they seem to keep cycling in the same unsupportive and dire circumstances and situations. It's more their emotional patterns that cause them to not support themselves properly to move forward in their life and create a supportive physical environment for themselves. They're actually quite driven and decided to make the best of themselves and to 'get ahead' in life and succeed. But a pattern wherein they sabotage themselves in for example, is a 'blame' of their situation, of the world around them, of the universe, and of other people, as to why it is that they cannot seem to move forward or change anything to their circumstances. It is a point of believing that 'I am in this situation because reality is not cooperating'. And so a self-pity as well, which sometimes can spill over into suicidal tendencies even, when the anger and self-pity becomes overwhelming.

I know that to a large extent I have changed this particular programming within myself, where I am quite aware that everything about me and my life is in my hands. That, if I do not move, nothing will. And that thus, I must find a way. Even if everything seems impossible for me to change and do anything. I must find a way, because reality will not do anything for me. In fact, given the current world system, the chips are always stacked against me, if I have any integrity at all and want to create and do anything that involves integrity.

Yet clearly, my reality being a mirror, there are some aspects of it that I have not yet grasped or understood and changed. Because yes, even though I do have this understanding that everything is in my hands, there has still at the same time been this point of 'stuckness' that I've found myself in. Where, I'm not particularly moving either way. Even though, I want to and am trying to. There are some dimensions there of self-sabotage that I have not yet been able to change. Where, I have in a way even given up on trying to find different ways. Given up on truly supporting myself, because no matter what I did, I seemed to always end up feeling stuck. 

So perhaps, working with my reality within the mirror principle may give me some new perspective. And in a way it is a point of expanding my responsibility as well. To take responsibility for the lives of those around me by realizing and seeing how they mirror some points within me that I am accepting and allowing (without being consciously aware of it).

So yes with person X I'm very much working with a pattern of basically feeling stifled, held back and sabotaged at every turn and effort by reality. A sense of 'I am doing and trying everything that I can, but it's reality that isn't cooperating somehow. There is something about the end result of my actions that is out of my hands.' But it's actually a point where I 'give up' and don't push through or venture beyond. And that point has nothing to do with reality but is more a point inside myself that I've decided is too overwhelming or overpowering for me, and I just cannot move past it.

This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'.

To be continued...

Social Anxiety

 I just have to share this timeline I did in DIP Pro, cause it just so perfectly captures my entire experience as a person in this world, in my life lol. Just 'anxious', uncomfortable, trapped in my own skin, in my environment, not particularly enjoying the whole 'social' experience, around 'other humans'.

MP-->-->-->-->-->memory of sitting on the sidelines watching other kids playing a game

E1-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm at Chiro

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my parents are making me come here and 'play with the other kids'

E1 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my brother too

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> but neither of us likes coming here

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> we're always trying to get out of it, whining at my parents to please let us stay home

E2 -->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I fit in

E2-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I am accepted or that the others like me very much

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel anxious and uncomfortable

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I feel uncomfortable in my clothes even

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I always feel cold and rather just stay inside where it's warm and where we get our treats

E3-->-->-->-->-->--> I am sitting on the side watching as the other girls in my group play a ball game

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I've already been tagged out

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I watch as they all seem really into the game, into competing against each other

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think 'I don't understand it. I don't understand what people like so much about fighting against each other trying to be the winner. Can't we all just be friends and get along?'

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel an aversion to playing games where you have to 'beat' other people and try to be a winner, specifically very physically active games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think I don't want to participate, it's all too rough for me. I want more gentle things, like staying inside and eating or talking or playing board games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm wishing we could go inside and I'm waiting until it's time for us to go inside

E4 -->-->-->-->-->--> I feel trapped cause I'm forced to be there against my will. So all I can do is just sit and wait, feeling uncomfortable inside myself, until I get to go home. While pretending that I like being part of it all and doing all the things everyone else is doing. 

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->--> feel like I'm imprisoned inside my own body and my environment

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> cause I can't go anywhere or do any of the things that I actually want to do and am forced by my parents to be here and do this

And it's with opening up these kind of memories that at first glance seem so trivial in the landscape of my life, that I get to go deeper into this whole design play out of 'me'. That I can have realizations, like 'oh wow, if only I had just been honest with myself about the fact that I hated it there and hated everything about it, it would have actually helped me be more comfortable with myself'. Cause writing out this memory play-out, I can see that it's especially the part where I'm 'pretending' to enjoy being and doing what everybody else is doing, that caused me to feel trapped inside myself. To feel even uncomfortable in my own skin. 

Rather than thinking that I must force myself to fit into this environment and be like everyone else, I could have just recognized for myself that 'no, I was actually forced to go to this place and be here, and I just don't like any of it'. So, rather than trying to force myself to enjoy it, just embrace the hate lol. Embrace and be real with the fact that, hey, I really actually don't like or enjoy any of this. 

Cause I noticed I do that a lot with myself, kind of force myself into trying to enjoy something just because 'everybody else seems to', while I actually simply don't enjoy it if I'm honest with myself. Trying to 'fit into' what seems to be 'the way of life' for most people and pretend that I'm enjoying this ride just like the next person, while I actually am continuously asking myself 'what the hell am I doing here?' and 'what's really the point of all this?' And so I'm not just being honest with myself about how I actually experience myself. More living life based on BELIEF of how I should feel and should be. It's bizarre.

So anyways, just wanted to share this timeline cause I thought it's really neat to be able to get into the nitty-gritty of yourself within this online DIP Pro course, and to then start really changing things through different tools. Taking on your own memories as the 'fabric' of your life and of 'you' and redesigning your whole experience. Pretty cool stuff.

www.desteni.org

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www.destonians.com

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To Accept Failure

This is a continuation from my previous post "To Be Different"

To touch back on what I wrote about a few days ago, in terms of the pain in my side and the associated ‘mind-point’ of defining myself as ‘different’. I mean this point of being ‘different’ has in a way been a ‘polarity’ for me throughout my life. In that I felt ‘different’ in a negative way for most of my early childhood, into my teens. I had all these thoughts and beliefs in my mind about myself being ‘good for nothing’, being a ‘failure’, being inferior and less than everybody else. Feeling ‘different’ in terms of ‘less than everyone’. And then into puberty and early adulthood I started to actually make a positive out of the negative, developing a personality design out of being ‘different’ as something that apparently made me ‘special’. Yeah it’s pretty weird, but that’s what I did. And that’s what the mind does lol

Rather than being honest with myself about the fact that I felt NEGATIVE, and so resolving those points within myself, so I don’t end up lost in some illusion of ‘different as special’, where I now just become more separated from the world I exist in. Cause when you start thinking that your ‘difference’ makes you ‘special’, or that ‘different’ means ‘special’, you’re in trouble lol. Cause that means you won’t allow yourself to relate to other beings in a normal way anymore since being ‘different’ is now what makes you feel good about yourself. And it’ll be all the more difficult to get to that point of realness with yourself again as you’ve decided you just don’t want to face the negative within yourself anymore. The REAL reasons you think you’re ‘different’. As in you’re not different cause you’re ‘special’, but because you’re a disappointment, a failure, an inferior being.

And you’ll find that your mind will keep switching between those two polarities as well. Where you’ll feel ‘different as special’ the one moment, and then ‘different as inferior’ the next. And it’s hard to just be ‘stable’, to just be ‘you’, and exist in a place of self-acceptance. Cause, in order to get to that ‘you’, you need to actually face the negative and be honest with yourself that how you REALLY feel and how you REALLY see yourself, is not ‘special’, but rather ‘inferior’. And that if anything, you’ll find that as ‘special’ as you experience yourself, you actually feel EQUALLY as inferior/less than. Cause you’ve been COMPENSATING.

So I had a look at this whole point of ‘oh I’m such a failure’ and ‘I’m so much less than everyone else’ that’s been there for so long within me. Almost as long as I can remember. And I thought, well, I’ve been fighting this point for so long and even created a separate personality programming on top of it just so that I could feel a little better about myself and could ignore and suppress these experiences and beliefs within myself. So, let’s say that I am ‘inferior’, and a ‘failure’. You know, maybe I feel that way for a reason. Maybe I feel that way because I AM a failure. And yes, yes, in this world it’s almost bad to say those things about yourself. Because oh no you mustn’t think like that about yourself. You must like yourself and think positively about yourself and accept yourself no matter what. Surely you are NOT a ‘failure’.

But I mean if I for a moment just take out the energy, as in have it not be a pitiful ‘woe is me, I’m such a failure’, but just look at it in a practical, down-to-earth kind of sense. Then yes I can actually realistically conclude that the EXPERIENCE and the THOUGHTS of ‘I’m such a failure’ were on some level based on an ACTUAL realization of myself being, yes, a failure. As in I was ‘failing’ in a lot of areas of myself. A lot of ways in which I was ‘lacking’. In my social skills for example. In my ability to connect and relate to and work together and communicate with others. I was also lacking in many other skills like math or languages and other things I was being taught in school. Lots of things I wasn’t learning and integrating properly. And yes that made me feel inferior and less than others and like I was a failure. But at the same time, I WAS also failing.

But then instead of turning to myself and going ‘ok well let me see how I can support myself to succeed within these points where I’m failing’, I turned it into a pity-party by attaching a feeling/emotion to the point of ‘failure’. Almost like I was trying to sabotage myself so I wouldn’t simply learn and grow and improve myself. Cause that’s why ‘failure’ exists, to simply show you where you need to be supporting yourself more and which parts of yourself you’ve been neglecting or have not developed properly. But because we’ve accepted this culture of emotional coddling where we’re allergic to seeing our own flaws, accepting or considering ‘failure’ somehow becomes something ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ or even ‘hurtful’. Rather than just a reality which, just like anything, is here for us to learn from and understand so we can change and become the best version of ourselves.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

Tourettes

This is a continuation of my previous post "You're a Fucking Bitch"

Looking back on my life in general, there were many moments, many memories I have, wherein I seemed to deliberately place myself in situations that just caused me greater stress and anxiety and emotional inner conflict than I was already experiencing. Where I was for instance doing things because of some belief or idea in my mind of ‘oh this is what I’m supposed to be doing’ and completely ignored the fact that what I was doing was making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Like there was just a complete disregard for my own feelings and inner experiences and on top of that as well a tendency to almost deliberately make myself feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Like a bullying of myself in a way.

In fact most of the things I did, in terms of the people I chose to hang out with and the activities we participated in, actually made me feel very anxious. And if I had listened to myself and done what was best for me, I simply would not have chosen  those friends/activities. Yet, I did all of it because I believed it’s what I wanted. It’s only now, being more aware of who I am in my mind, that I am realizing and seeing that I was living this programming of being harmful towards myself – in terms of basically rather than doing what made me feel good, comfortable and pleasant, I did that which made me feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, ashamed and conflicted within myself. And I felt good about that! Lol

And then I’d also sometimes ended up blaming other people for judging me, instead of realizing that I placed myself in that situation to begin with, kind of throwing myself to the vultures, being vulnerable to be judged. Because sure, judgment is a thing. People judge. And yes if you’re going to behave and express yourself in a certain way, people are going to judge you in a certain way. So it’s almost like I deliberately did things that would cause others as well as myself to judge me, so that I could then go and feel ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed within myself, over and over and over again.

It’s kind of similar to people who have Tourettes. You see them reacting immediately to their own behavior and expression with shame, guilt and embarrassment. But it’s like they can’t help themselves. There’s something inside of them that needs/wants to do it. It’s that addiction to ‘self-harm’. Something inside them that yes, DELIBERATELY, places them in situations wherein they WILL end up feeling bad about themselves in some way.

So why do this? What’s going on here? What I traced it back to within myself  is this sort of attachment to ‘relationships’. Or rather, a more intense one than within your average human. A more intense sense of ‘I just want to be friends’ or ‘I want you to like me’. It’s kind of a ‘relationship demon’. And it’s interesting because ‘relationships’ actually means self-compromise. Cause the more you want or try to create relationships with others, the more you’re willing to not be yourself just so you can please others. It’s a form of self-abuse. Cause you’re just not considering yourself in any way whatsoever, as you’ll do anything just to be ‘liked by others’.

And I mean me personally have never been able to imagine NOT having this desire for relationships. To be able to ‘just be myself’ when I’m around other people. Also the concept of ‘agreements’ was always something unfathomable to me. Only now are my eyes starting to open to the possibilities of existing beyond this ‘relationship preprogramming’. To consider that it’s possible to be ‘together’ with another person, yet not in a ‘relationship’, but in an ‘agreement’. And for me to honor my relationship with myself instead.

www.desteni.org

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To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




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