Fear of Failure and self-forgiveness - Day 1

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project ‘failure’ onto the future in my mind – and to react to any possible decision that I’m considering with a fear of it ‘failing’ in the future --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief in apparent ‘failure’ is something I have inherited from my father as he used to emotionally abuse me by making me feel like I ‘failed’ at things as in that I was not capable of succeeding or being successful and that I was apparently just an ‘idiot’ who made all the wrong decisions and was doing ‘stupid’ things in their life without any capability at being successful at anything

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that that definition of ‘failure’ doesn’t actually exist except for in the mind as a thought and emotional experience, as it is in fact a personality programming of beating up on myself, expecting the worst and having a negative opinion of myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as that negatively charged emotional experience of disappointment – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a consequence of having grown up in an environment where there were a lot of ‘expectations’ placed and defined as a ‘positive’ point, where ‘disappointment’ as a reaction to apparent ‘failure’ to live up to the expectations was then used as the negative within and as a polarity – in order to keep the child ‘in line’ as in living according to the expectations as ‘wants’ of the parent, as what was defined as a ‘failure’ was all preprogrammed and decided by the expectations and wants of the parents and thus not what the word ‘failure’ actually is

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘failure’ in and as that preprogrammed mind consciousness system where ‘failure’ is defined by the parents expectations and used as a manipulation tactic to keep the child in line with the parents’ wants --- instead of being the self-directive principle of and as the word ‘failure’ and live the word failure as a principle as a living word rather than a word defined in and as energy as the mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an emotional experience to the word ‘failure’, where I suddenly feel ‘bad’ about myself and feel disappointed and I feel down on myself and beat up on myself for being an apparent ‘failure’ as in believing that I couldn’t do what I was apparently ‘supposed to’ do as in the expectations that were there for me and now that I did not live up to those expectations, I am apparently ‘inferior’ and worth less than others who apparently DID achieve and live up to the ‘expectations’ –

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word failure with an emotional experience of inferiority and a belief that I am ‘less than’ others who were apparently ‘successful’ or who apparently ‘havent failed’ – where I have defined the word failure within and as comparison with others and a belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to and if I cannot live up to those apparent expectations then I am a ‘failure’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as the belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to – instead of seeing realizing and understanding that failure as a living word is when I give up on myself, by for instance trying to live up to other people’s expectations, so the word failure is a reminder to myself to trust myself and honor myself and make sure that I believe in myself and place myself first rather than compare myself to others

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to fail is to give up on myself and to stop trusting and supporting and believing in myself, to stop pushing and moving and motivating myself – and has nothing to do with expectations from other people or expectations in general

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail by not believing in myself and giving up on myself in and as a ‘fear of failure’ as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to live the word failure as a living word as a reminder to stand by myself and support myself and not give up on myself

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to ‘fail’ as a living word and principle is in fact the opposite of how ‘failure’ is defined in and as the mind, where the mind defines failure as not being able to live up to expectations in separation with self, while ‘failure’ as a living word would be for instance to try to live up to expectations rather than honoring oneself and living by ones own principles, and to give up oneself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop believing in myself because I believed that I ‘failed’ because I could not live up to certain expectations that I was measuring myself up to – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the real ‘failure’ was that I stopped believing in myself and stopped supporting myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by believing that I have already failed as I’ve defined the word failure in and as an energy polarity and an experience of fear

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider allowing this fear of failure to influence me into giving up on myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘failure’ is to give up on myself and that I can only fail if I give up

 

When and as I see myself going into fear of failing as a fear where I project emotional experiences of inferiority, regret, shame and disappointment into the future – then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that ‘failure’ is not a negatively charged emotional energy connected with a belief that I ‘havent lived up to expectations’, but failure is in fact the abandonment of myself here and the giving up on myself

 

So I see, realize and understand that it is in fact this point of existing in fear of failure as a future projection that is me living ‘failure’ as I am not trusting, supporting, motivating or believing in myself or doing what’s best for myself HERE but rather trusting these future projections as imaginations in the mind

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘failure’ as a reminder to keep trusting and supporting and believing in myself and a reminder that to fail is to give up on myself

 

I see, realize and understand that failure has nothing to do with ‘expectations’ but has everything to do with my relationship with myself and whether I am honoring myself and what is best for me in my life

 

I commit myself to honor myself and what is best for myself  - to trust myself, support myself and not give up on myself and what is best for me as life in and as the physical in oneness and equality

 

I see, realize and understand that I can only fail if I give up on myself and that the moment I give up on myself, I have failed and that therefore the fear of failing is not an excuse to give up on myself as ‘failure’ is never real unless I give up on myself

 

I commit myself to live success as a living word and principle of not giving up on myself and not allowing myself to ‘fail’

 

I see, realize and understand that success is not about living up to expectations in separation of myself but is about honoring myself and being true to myself and supporting myself unconditionally within anything and everything I do in my life and never giving up on myself and on supporting myself

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘success’ as the principle of not giving up on myself as life in and as the physical in and as oneness and equality – not allowing myself to fail, which is to give up on myself – and to commit myself to support, motivate and move myself unconditionally, not allowing anything to influence me to ‘give up’

I don't understand it, therefore it isn't real

So why is it, that all those people, or most of them anyways, in the first world countries, are so...'passive' when it comes to the suffering in this world? All those 'privileged' human beings, who are born in wealthy or at least middle-class families, in positions of ABUNDANCE. Who have and get everything they need and want and lack nothing. Who are raised in - more or less - stable families, and get the support they need to 'make it' in life. To go to school, get a degree, find a job, and start a family of their own, without ever really needing to worry about 'survival' necessarily, as everything in life is pretty 'easy' and 'straightforward'.

What is it that makes us so disconnected and separated and aloof in relation to the suffering in this world? Suffering that is VERY real, for many many beings. While we are in the ULTIMATE position of power, to really do something about it. What is it inside of ourselves, in our very minds, that cause us to 'accept' things as they are? Rather than STAND UP, SPEAK UP, DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, as any sane person would do, when faced with the horrifying and atrocious suffering that's part of 'life on earth'.

I mean, by all accounts, you would almost think, that we truly just 'don't care'. That we are entirely devoid of life and feeling, and lack even the slightest sensitivity to see or pick up on another's pain. How do we sleep at night?! Literally. How?!

Let me answer that question, with myself as the best example. I was born in a first world country. In a family of abundance. We never lacked anything. I was always given everything I needed or wanted. I never had to worry about 'survival'. My life was easy. As if it was programmed that way. I was aware that there was 'suffering' in the world. I was aware that in some far away lands, there was 'war', and people were suffering as a consequence of it. That there was 'poverty', somewhere. That there were even entire countries - called 'third world countries' - where EVERYONE existed in poverty and even starvation. A LACK that is beyond comprehension. I watched the news, I saw the photos and the videos.

I KNEW, on some level in my mind, that all that 'existed'. But to be honest, on some other level within myself, I didn't really BELIEVE it. I mean that's kind of weird to say actually because as they say, 'seeing is believing'. And, I did SEE, physically, with my own eyes. Yet, I did not 'believe'. I could not FATHOM that anyone else's life could be so different from mine.  That there were people out there who did not know the kind of safety and security and stability that seemed to be an absolute given in my world and reality. I mean even everyone around me seemed to enjoy that same sense of safety, stability and security. All, equally. Life was good for everyone that I knew. So then, how could it be so different elsewhere?

I grew up in Belgium. And in Belgium, in most of Belgium, the inequality isn't so great as in most of the rest of the world. 'The middle-class rules the country.' That's from a popular Belgian song. It means that sure while there were people who made more money than others, it didn't really matter all that much what kind of job you did. Everyone was 'taken care of'. There was a sense of 'equality' within how much money and means everyone had. And so everyone was 'happy'. Everyone was able to 'enjoy life'.

That was the 'world' that I grew up in. A world wherein everyone can be equally happy. And in that world, the concept of 'suffering', or 'starvation', did not exist. And it was almost like living in a bubble. Where even though there were images coming through on the TV of people living entirely different lives - lives so opposite to ours - the images never really 'registered' as being anything 'real' or anything substantial because I simply 'couldn't relate'. I could not 'understand', as it's never been part of my 'frame of reference'.

It's sort of weird to say, but yes I could not understand, and so it didn't seem 'real'. And so I could continue to 'ignore' and 'brush it off', like it's of no consequence. Like all that REALLY matters, is just the comings and goings of my own life, and the lives of those around me. NOT the fact that somewhere out there, lots of people are seriously suffering, in ways that even my worst nightmares can't describe.

BUT, although my mind did not BELIEVE what my eyes did SEE, and although therefore it seemed entirely justified to just ignore it all, deeeep deep down within myself there was an awareness. An awareness that it IS all real. And that awareness became a 'guilt'. Something that was eating me up inside. Something that made me feel wretched within myself. The guilt of knowing that all this is going on, but I am doing NOTHING about it. And that I can tell myself that 'I don't understand' and 'I don't believe' as much as I want, but at the end of the day the guilt does not go away. Until I actually STAND UP and do whatever I can to FIX and SOLVE and CHANGE  those things in this world that SHOULD NOT exist.