I Am a Pushover

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Don't Want the Spotlight"

The more I am 'getting to know' myself, the more I'm realizing that I'm sort of a 'push-over' lol. Like a 'super-softie'. To the point where, I have trouble 'getting angry' or 'fighting back'. And I always thought I was being a 'weakling' because of that. And that I need to 'toughen up' sort of, and 'fight back' and 'stand up for myself', and 'have some character'. And I'd essentially 'judge myself' for being so...'easy' lol. Like you could just do anything with me and I wouldn't resist or fight back.

Surely I 'should have some backbone' and 'have some spunk in me'. And that's what anybody would tell you. But you know what? What if it's 'ok' for me to be like this? I mean what if that 'spunk' or 'backbone' or 'character' simply does not exist in me? Is that really so bad?

I'm starting to consider that there's maybe not actually anything 'wrong' with being 'soft' and 'gentle' and 'kind'. I mean it's kind of nice actually. I don't mind it lol. Why have 'sharp edges'? Is that REALLY 'necessary'? Sure in this world it does seem 'necessary', but it's not what's actually 'best'. But it's almost like us humans have 'embraced' that like 'harshness'. A 'reactiveness'. That point of like 'having character', as in like having some kind of 'expression' that you have to sort of 'fight for' in a way. where our 'communication' is almost like a 'fighting' for and with our 'expression' and 'character'.

So in the eyes of 'this world', yeah, I'm a big ol' 'pushover'. I 'lack character' and it's almost as though I don't even really 'exist' because of it. BUT I'm learning that, instead of judging it, and trying to change it, I need to actually just 'accept' it. Cause I mean at the end of the day, it's 'me'. And maybe I may not 'exist' in 'this world', but I do exist for me. And that's good enough.

And what if I am a Piece of Shit?

This is a continuation of my previous post "To be Self-Honest"

I always felt like a victim of 'strictness' and 'judgment'. Cause, "it makes me feel so bad about myself! So it must be bad!" And all those in my world and reality whom I felt judged or criticized me or pointed out my flaws or suggested that I 'try harder' or 'be better', I would blame for apparently 'abusing me'. For being 'too harsh' and 'inconsiderate' or 'controlling'. For not 'caring' enough about me.

I see now that such was actually the extent of my ego that I would simply invent and use any reason and excuse to not listen and actually consider the words that were spoken to me, which did in fact always hold some 'truth'. I would 'feel offended', making myself all 'sensitive', as though I 'can't handle' any 'harsh truth'. I mean what better way to make sure I never actually change?! By creating a 'personality' out of simply not listening to anything that might in any way show me what I'm accepting and allowing.

If anything what I have realized is that the ONLY thing that will in fact support me to change, is to be 'strict' and 'harsh' with myself. To stop 'sugar-coating' and beating around the bush and being all 'careful'. To stop assuming that I am 'too sensitive' to handle anything 'harsh'. I mean fuck, if I am truly 'life' itself, then I should be able to handle EVERYTHING. So any idea about being 'emotionally sensitive' is just an excuse to continue kidding myself and not take responsibility for all the actual SHIT that exists within and as me. And truly, none of it is in any way pretty, or nice, or 'good'. The reality is that I am an abuser, a deceiver, consumed by self-interest and devoid of care. A true 'piece of shit'. And the only way to change any of that, is to first of all get real with myself and stop pretending that I am just a 'dear little soul'. To step out of the position of the victim and stand in the point of the creator. As in, the one who's created this disgrace of a reality. The one who's responsible for all this, and the one who needs to stop it.