To Be Genuine

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Accept Failure"

I've always thought of myself as a very genuine person. Someone who does her best to be open and honest and straightforward. Who doesn't harbor nasty thoughts about others and who can be trusted. This is who I 'genuinely' believed I was as a person. But with the support of my body, I realized that the reality was quite the opposite. With the support of my body, meaning that it's only cause I noticed this weird pimple, but-not-quite-a-pimple, looking thing on my left upper leg today and then looked into the related mind-point of it that this realization opened up. The realization that 'I am not genuine AT ALL'.

That in fact, all of my being 'genuine', and 'open' and 'honest' and 'trustworthy', has actually always been based on one singular point within myself. That point being the 'desire to be a good person'. And if there is one thing that is extremely disingenuous or that cause one to be disingenuous, it's that. The desire to be a good person, so that my soul may go to heaven after I die. That's what it comes down to.

Where, I am not open with others because I truly care about them. I am not honest or kind or understanding because I truly care about others. My real motivation is this one point inside me that everything sort of revolves around. 'Please God I want to be a 'good person' so that I may be rewarded in the end.' And that one point existing within me basically makes everything I do, no matter how 'good' or 'right' it all may seem, completely disingenuous and deceptive.

Because, when I am interacting and communicating and hanging out with other people, I am not truly WITH them, with my presence and awareness and full being in that moment, connecting with that person, and expressing who I am, all of me, in and as that one moment. No, I am actually in some alternate dimension in the back of my mind thinking about 'my soul' and 'my future' and 'after I die' and 'I just want to be good' and 'I hope I go to heaven'. Where, it's all truly about ME, ME, ME and whether my dear little soul will be saved in the end. Always really looking out for number one.

So obviously, when I realized this, it was quite a shock actually. Cause I truly believed I am a 'genuine person' lol. Turns out I'm actually quite deceptive, self-interested, manipulative, self-involved and abusive. Hiding behind these lies I tell myself about who I am so that I can keep that feeling of 'hope' alive, that all will be well for me in the end. That 'I'll get to go to heaven in the end cause I'm a good person'. Not actually LIVING the word GENUINE, but more BELIEVING that I am this word, so I can feel good. I mean it's the ultimate self-interest. The ultimate deception. I'm like the last person who deserves to 'go to heaven', turns out.

So, what does it really mean to be 'genuine', and to live GENUINE as a living word? It means to basically let go of FEAR. Cause fear is where self-interest starts. And just like the 'self-interest programming', I've also copied the 'fear programming' from my family. It's again going back to times of war. Times where my ancestors went through horrible things, experienced lack and loss and many things that made them go into this sense of fear and panic as the survival mind. You know, that point where you just want to SURVIVE, and all you can think of is yourself and just finding some point of safety and comfort for yourself. That's what war does. It drives people into ultimate self-interest through ultimate fear as SURVIVAL.

It creates that attitude of 'I must build walls around me to protect myself and my possessions. I cannot ever truly relax or be open or let my walls down because this world is a dangerous place that I must always protect myself from.' An attitude which I then copied from my family without question. Where even now, long after the war, I am living that same mind-set of 'Cannot relax. Must keep my walls up to protect myself and survive.'

But I mean fear is no excuse. It never was. Because war is only the manifested consequence of allowing fear to create division and separation and self-interest. And so the snake eats its own tail. So to be genuine is to find ways to, REGARDLESS of fear and panic, relax, and be open and unconditional. To live the SOLUTION. The solution to end all war, rather than recycling the problems over and over and over again through FEAR.






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The Internal War of Manipulation

This is a continuation of my previous post "I don't Understand it, therefore it isn't Real"


If I had a 'middle name', it would probably be something like 'inner turmoil' lol. Just feeling kind of 'trapped' and 'lost' in my own inner 'experiences'. And I always assumed it must be because maybe I just 'don't love myself' or maybe even 'hate myself', because lots of these inner experiences were quite emotionally charged. Lots of despair, sadness, depression, lostness, powerlessness, resistance and so on.

And as a result I just overall didn't seem like a very 'stable' kind of person. Being prone to making decisions I'd later regret or feel ashamed about, easily feeling 'overwhelmed' by 'how I FEEL' and going into high ups and downs of feelings and emotions. I suppose you could also call it 'not having a backbone', being 'spineless', 'not having character'. But what it is, is basically living according to feelings and emotions, rather than living based on principles and common sense.

And that's something that goes back all the way to childhood. How I was 'raised' and how I learned to 'be' by example of my parents. My parents were people who didn't actually communicate much. Not with words anyways lol. They 'communicated' through emotions and feelings. And that's something that went back all the way to their childhood as well. Where, they never learned how to EXPRESS themselves. How to communicate who they are and what they want, through WORDS. Because their parents also didn't provide the space for it. It was more a type of 'be quiet and just do what you're told' kind of upbringing. So when you cannot express yourself in WORDS, you tend to find different ways of expressing yourself - of 'communicating' with your environment in a way that may more or less get you the things you want.

You learn to get what you want without being direct and straightforward about it. It's called 'manipulation' lol. And that's where your emotions and feelings come in. They come in when you realize as a child that the main motivating factor behind your parents' decisions, is their feelings and emotions. Where they place a lot of trust in how they FEEL. They don't necessarily care about 'what's best' and they don't necessarily 'feel like' investigating or asking themselves what would be the best thing to do for the child. Doesn't mean they're 'bad' either! It just means that when it comes to making decisions, there isn't much 'self-questioning' involved. More an acceptance that, 'if it feels right, it must be right'.

So you realize that your parents don't actually listen to the words that you speak. They only 'listen' to your emotions and feelings. It seems to be the only thing they really respond to. So, if you want to get anything from them, it means you need to know how to 'push the right buttons'. You need to become proficient in the art of manipulating through emotions and feelings. Emotions and feelings needs to become your 'primary language'. Becoming 'sensitive' to how people respond within their mind to whatever emotion or feeling you are displaying. And as a child, you are very good at it. It almost literally feels like you are 'pushing buttons'. Because, well, that's what you're doing and that's WHY you're doing it. Why you're using emotions and feelings.

The 'problem' comes in when you yourself grow up into 'adulthood'. Because the mind does a fascinating thing where it creates these 'layers'. That's why when you think back on your childhood, you see the memories more like you're watching a movie. There's a separation there. Why the 'adult you' feels so different and disconnected from the 'child you'. And why, if you were to look at these different 'stages' or 'phases' of your life, it's almost as though they exist in total isolation from each other. As though your 'growing up' almost happened at the flick of a switch. Like, *flicks switch*, 'oh you're in puberty now', *flicks switch*, 'oh now you're an adult'. And your memories of 'back when you were a teenager' almost feel like you're talking about a person that isn't 'you'. Let alone when you think back on 'when you were a child'.

So you tend to 'forget' that way back when you were a child, 'emotions' and 'feelings' wasn't something that 'just came naturally'. That you haven't always been this way. That these emotions and feelings inside you are more a consequence of poor 'child-rearing' that goes back generations. Where, somewhere along the line, maybe people went through something really traumatic, like war for example, which creates a real PHYSICAL instability, lostness and chaos. And something like that can have a great impact on the internal experience of a person. Of just people becoming more intensely afraid, emotional and reactive. I mean, war changes people. It causes people to become more isolated within themselves, more 'withdrawn'. They just don't feel 'safe' anymore to live and relax and express.

I mean, I can see how that can lead to a diminishment in actual verbal communication, and would cultivate a more emotionally reactive human. If I'd have to try and 'trace back' where this misalignment in raising children more based on feelings and emotions rather than principles and common sense may have occurred. And why it is perhaps that my parents, and their parents before them, are not used to communicating much and are rather more withdrawn, shy and reserved.

In a sense I guess you could even say that 'emotional manipulation' is a consequence and result of 'war', just like how FBI/CIA type operations are also a result of war. Where things become more 'covert', more 'hidden'. Within 'Central Intelligence Agencies', that are designed to essentially 'manipulate'. Because people are so traumatized by war that they become 'introverted' or 'inverted'. They hide things, cause they don't feel 'safe' anymore. There's no more openness, no more freedom and no more trust. And so we all end up manipulating each other. We all learn to hide and not trust each other. Because there's no 'open communication'.

So I mean, we were fucked from the start. We never stood a chance. Maybe at some point in this world, human beings raised their children based on principles and common sense. But war and trauma over time have eroded that. Where now, all you are born into is manipulation as emotions and feelings. And maybe there are still beings in this world who do raise their children through open communication, common sense and principles. But I'd say that war has influenced my generational lineage and has in a way 'broken' us as humans. And so I grew up knowing ONLY manipulation as emotions and feelings. And never even considered that there could be another way.

I was STILL, in my life, living out the war that my ancestors went through, as experiences of instability, lostness and chaos. Living out an 'internal war' of feeling destabilized and lost within emotions and feelings. Never realizing or seeing or understanding that this whole 'I don't accept myself' or 'I don't love myself' is more just a problem of defining myself according to emotions and feelings, than having to do with actual self-acceptance or self-love. And more importantly, it's a consequence of having FORGOTTEN that all these emotions and feelings inside of me are things I just cultivated when I was little to try and speak my parents' language so that I could get what I wanted from them. I just went into 'forgetfulness' and at some point started believing that it is 'me'. Just like my parents did I guess.

You are a Threat to Me

This is a continuation of my previous post "Life is 'all of us'"

Social personalities. It’s the acceptance of manipulation and deception. Acceptance of the point of ‘you don’t see the real me, because you are lost in the mind. And I don’t see the real you because I am equally lost in the mind. And instead of assisting and supporting each other to be here together and see each other, we’ll play games with each other and take advantage of one another’s gullibility’.

With a ‘social personality’, you just need to look at ‘what is being manipulated here?’ Which ‘strings’ are being pulled and why? What is it that the person actually ‘wants’ and is thus using a ‘social personality’ to ‘get’. Cause if you don’t want to be manipulated, you need to start with looking at yourself. What are you using a social personality for? What is it that you’re ‘manipulating’ for?

I’ve realized that I’ve developed a ‘social personality’ to sort of keep people at a distance and in a way ‘get them off my back’ and not ‘bother’ me too much, and essentially avoid ‘conflict’,  while also ‘safeguarding’ and ‘getting’ the things I want. Cause my experience when I was younger was that people seemed to be ‘on my case’ about how I express myself or about how I live. And that I would, as a result, sometimes lose things I valued. And I experienced people to be sort of a ‘threat’ and as ‘bothersome’ to me because of that. So my ‘social manipulation’ is more from the starting point of, ‘I’m going to give you what you want and play along with your personalities so you’ll leave me alone and leave me in peace’.

When it comes to ‘manipulation’, there isn’t anything ‘wrong’ with it per se. In a world where nothing is what it seems and things are the very manifestation of deception and separation, you kind of ‘have to’ manipulate. As in, ‘play the game’. Be in it but not of it. But you do it with awareness and from the starting point of creating a world that is best. So kind of manipulating to assist and support. When it comes to ‘social personalities’ developed in childhood, it’s not what’s ‘best’. It’ll more just ‘add’ to the separation. Because it is that ‘acceptance’ that this is just ‘how things are’. An acceptance that we must use and abuse each other for self-interest. And an acceptance of the FEAR we have of each other and that’s caused us to lie and deceive and manipulate.