In my Image and Likeness

I've always felt very ALONE. Like there's been this deep knowing within me that 'I am alone' on a deep beingness level. That, even though I can see 'other people' who look and walk and talk just like me, with my eyes, I am actually alone on a real level. In fact I've felt so extremely alone that at some point I was basically like 'fuck it, I don't want to feel this way forever. I'm just going to pretend as if I'm not alone.' And that pretty much got me to participate within the illusions in the mind. Illusions of 'relationships' with 'other people'. Of generating thoughts, emotions and feelings  wherein I could make myself feel as though I am 'not alone' because look here I am 'relating' to these 'other beings' through thoughts, emotions and feelings.

And in a way, I've walked an entire process that's taken me a fair amount of years to this exact point that I've been avoiding to face all this time. Because, quite simply, I don't know, as I've never known, just how to 'deal with it'. I've always felt 'stuck' in this loneliness. Because it's not just a feeling or emotion. It's actually REAL. It's a FACT. I AM ALONE, as a being, as life, as existence. I am alone.

So after going through the 'pain' of realizing, yet again, that I AM ALONE, and the same familiar experience of being 'stuck' and not knowing how to deal with this point inside of me, I did realize something. Or rather, there was a 'movement'. Because I do see that, yes I am alone, because I cannot 'relate' to anything that I see with my eyes. I cannot relate to 'people' because I do not recognize myself in them. Not the 'real me' anyways.

So maybe, if I cannot recognize myself in people, I'm going to MAKE SURE I recognize myself in people. I'm going to CREATE what it is that I've been looking for my whole existence - connection and togetherness. And I won't 'create' it through the mind as thoughts, emotions and feelings as that's been an illusion which has just brought me right back to the same point. I'm going to create it for real. I will CREATE my reality into my image and likeness, so that I can recognize myself finally.

Because, have I not also been created in the 'image and likeness' of others? Not a very nice image and likeness and not one I necessarily agree with. But who and what and how I exist as and have become as a 'human being' has been 'programmed'. Clearly by beings who had some power issues, but beings who took it upon themselves to form others into their image and likeness nonetheless. And maybe beings who also didn't really know what was best for themselves either, and so ended up creating something that represented the chaos and conflict and separation within. So yes, if you're going to create your image and likeness, you better make sure that image and likeness is something worth creating.

I will FIND the point that is 'me' within people, within animals, and nature, and everything that I see, however small that point may be. And then I will connect with that point, and speak to that point, nurture that point, support that point and give that point 'life', until it is HERE. So instead of changing myself to try and 'relate', I'll simply look for the 'relationship' that is already here. The 'me' that already does exist within others on some level. It may not be 'apparent', but I'll just have to look a little deeper to find it. I know I WILL find it, if I look for it. I mean, I found it in myself didn't I? lol

So you want to be Special

This is a continuation of my previous post "Love is Not the Answer"

I've always been more or less obsessed with being in a position wherein you're admired, and you get lots of attention and appraisal. And people look up at you and they listen to you and respect you. And you basically get to 'feel' very 'special' and 'important'.

At least, that was always my interpretation of it lol. "Oh that person's getting lots of admiration and attention, they 'get to' feel special and important." And I guess that way of looking at it was sort of cultivated in school, when yeah, there were those 'popular kids' who just seemed to draw all the attention just cause I guess 'there was just something about them'. That 'je ne sais quoi'. So yeah, they 'got to' feel all special and important while the rest of us could just watch in jealousy.

But in the 'real world' it doesn't actually work that way. If you want respect, admiration and attention, you have to 'earn it'. Because, in the 'real world', nobody gives a shit about who you are. You're not 'special' just cause you exist lol. In fact, being 'special' and 'important' is not about 'who you are' at all. It's about the things you DO. It's about the things you can 'prove'. The example that you can live. The work, the effort and the care that you put into things. That, people will notice, and respect. But, it's still not about 'you'. Make no mistake about that. You merely 'provide' people what they were looking for. An 'example' to live by.

So, if you want that kind of attention, that means you will have to work twice as hard as everyone else. You have to put in double the effort as anyone else, and care ten times as much. And forget about it being like being a king or queen sitting on a throne. It's all in reverse you see. How are you going to 'rule a kingdom' sitting on that throne? You have to be the one to 'stand under' everyone. So that you can 'carry' and really get to know what actually exists in your kingdom. And that's not 'glamorous' at all. But yes, people will 'respect' you, because they recognize that you're someone who actually cares. And because that's what we all really need.