In my Image and Likeness

I've always felt very ALONE. Like there's been this deep knowing within me that 'I am alone' on a deep beingness level. That, even though I can see 'other people' who look and walk and talk just like me, with my eyes, I am actually alone on a real level. In fact I've felt so extremely alone that at some point I was basically like 'fuck it, I don't want to feel this way forever. I'm just going to pretend as if I'm not alone.' And that pretty much got me to participate within the illusions in the mind. Illusions of 'relationships' with 'other people'. Of generating thoughts, emotions and feelings  wherein I could make myself feel as though I am 'not alone' because look here I am 'relating' to these 'other beings' through thoughts, emotions and feelings.

And in a way, I've walked an entire process that's taken me a fair amount of years to this exact point that I've been avoiding to face all this time. Because, quite simply, I don't know, as I've never known, just how to 'deal with it'. I've always felt 'stuck' in this loneliness. Because it's not just a feeling or emotion. It's actually REAL. It's a FACT. I AM ALONE, as a being, as life, as existence. I am alone.

So after going through the 'pain' of realizing, yet again, that I AM ALONE, and the same familiar experience of being 'stuck' and not knowing how to deal with this point inside of me, I did realize something. Or rather, there was a 'movement'. Because I do see that, yes I am alone, because I cannot 'relate' to anything that I see with my eyes. I cannot relate to 'people' because I do not recognize myself in them. Not the 'real me' anyways.

So maybe, if I cannot recognize myself in people, I'm going to MAKE SURE I recognize myself in people. I'm going to CREATE what it is that I've been looking for my whole existence - connection and togetherness. And I won't 'create' it through the mind as thoughts, emotions and feelings as that's been an illusion which has just brought me right back to the same point. I'm going to create it for real. I will CREATE my reality into my image and likeness, so that I can recognize myself finally.

Because, have I not also been created in the 'image and likeness' of others? Not a very nice image and likeness and not one I necessarily agree with. But who and what and how I exist as and have become as a 'human being' has been 'programmed'. Clearly by beings who had some power issues, but beings who took it upon themselves to form others into their image and likeness nonetheless. And maybe beings who also didn't really know what was best for themselves either, and so ended up creating something that represented the chaos and conflict and separation within. So yes, if you're going to create your image and likeness, you better make sure that image and likeness is something worth creating.

I will FIND the point that is 'me' within people, within animals, and nature, and everything that I see, however small that point may be. And then I will connect with that point, and speak to that point, nurture that point, support that point and give that point 'life', until it is HERE. So instead of changing myself to try and 'relate', I'll simply look for the 'relationship' that is already here. The 'me' that already does exist within others on some level. It may not be 'apparent', but I'll just have to look a little deeper to find it. I know I WILL find it, if I look for it. I mean, I found it in myself didn't I? lol

Who am I as a COACH?

This is a continuation of my previous blog "The Origin of Stupidity"

With having a look today at the word ‘coach’, as in being a ‘life coach’ or in my case a ‘SELF coach’, what initially came up for me is that to be a coach is to assist and support other people with living words and basically like ‘setting goals’ and reaching those goals. But then I realized, with the support of life coach Joe Kou and Maite Zamora Moreno from Space of Grace, that I was missing the most important factor within that definition: me.

And it’s a theme within my life, in how I define and approach things. That I tend to disregard myself within things and more look at who and what and how I must be for ‘other people’ and ‘the world out there’. That I for example don’t take a word like ‘coach’ and ask myself how I can live the word FOR ME. Not for others, but for and as me.

Only when I considered this, and looked at the word again, did I realize that actually how I want to live the word COACH is within simply creating and holding a ‘space’ for myself, and others as myself, to RELAX. To unconditionally be able to let go of everything of this world. Everything of what and who and how you believe you ‘have to’ be, and have, if even just one moment to just let it all go and relax and connect with yourself. Cause at the end of the day that is what actually matters. That’s what’s really important and that’s essentially what my coaching is all about anyways. To be who you really are, which starts with letting go of everything that you’re not. With relaxing and letting go and having that ‘space’ or ‘safe haven’ to just ‘be’.

That definition makes a lot more sense to me, and includes what I actually stand for and who I am and what’s important to me, and what I thus also want to ‘transfer’ or support others with, similarly to how I’m supporting myself with it. As I also realized that I must be my own coach first and foremost. Give myself that space to unconditionally relax and let go of everything that is of the ‘system’. All the fears and stress and worries and ‘have to’s’ and expectations and obligations. Give myself just moments of allowing myself to just ‘be’, and connect with who I really am inside. Moments which will over time accumulate and build into eventually being able to always just ‘be’, and be constantly ‘relaxed’.

So I guess in a way to be a ‘coach’ is like being a ‘couch’. A place where you can sit down for a moment, get comfortable, relax, sink into it, let go, have just that moment of relaxation and knowing that ‘everything is alright’ and it’s safe to just get comfortable and let go. Or even also like ‘flying coach’, in terms of just focusing on the ‘basics’, and not bothering with all the ‘excess’ stuff within and of the mind. Like all the thoughts and stress and fears and worries, etcetera. But just getting down to the ‘basics’ of who you actually really are underneath it all, when you let go of everything you believe you have to be.

Desperate for Connection

This is a continuation to my previous post "I Love Myself"

I do this thing where I look outward a lot, towards other people with this sort of despair of 'please let me know who I am!!' Wanting 'feedback', but in a very intensely desperate way lol. As if my life depends on it. Like I NEED another person to tell me if I am 'good' or 'bad'. Because deep down I have this huge fear of like, everything basically.

I'm a very fearful, anxious, nervous, terrified little girl. Always looking to others to comfort me and reassure me. As a child it was in a very physical way, in terms of running to my parents whenever I felt afraid or scared of anything, but in a very desperate and lost kind of way. As if I felt extremely alone within myself and even when my parents were there, I could not shake that experience of being 'alone' and just not having a real 'connection' with them. Like, they were 'here' with me, but also not, in some way. And I felt desperate for that real connection. But always ended up feeling so lacking. Just so very alone. Like no one could really see me. As if I was really actually a ghost. Feeling so cold, alone, afraid, disconnected, lost. Looking for some hand to touch mine.

It was just me, and the fear inside myself. And that is how I have lived my life. LOOKING for connection. Instead of CREATING connection. Because I felt victimized by FEAR. I did not realize that what I was looking for wasn't 'here' because 'I' was what I was looking for lol. I was the point of 'connection'. It was something I need to live, and bring into manifestation, and create in this world. Because, it is not here already. But, it is something that is needed. So I must be the solution.

I was expecting a 'perfect world'. But I found something quite lacking. But then I didn't realize my responsibility, power or potential to create that world. To create that connection. I just accepted the fear which was telling me that there is no hope. There is nothing, and that's just the way it is. So I'd always be existing in a desperate search for something that simply 'isn't here'.

Checking In with the Real You

This is a continuation of my previous post "The True Test is the Positive"

Let's talk about something exciting today - for a change lol

There was this post on facebook:

The first words I saw were 'me', 'connection' and 'miracle'. At first I thought "Pffft, this is stupid". But then I figured, well, everything is specific. And it may not be something 'magical' and 'profound', but it is 'specific'. As in, pertaining to 'where you're at'. Things are also specific in that they don't just show you 'where you're at' but also what you should maybe be realizing.

Those three words I picked out actually very much make sense when I look at 'where I'm at' right now. In that, even though I've had to face and realize some 'tough' things about myself recently, it's definitely brought about a 'new' point of connection that I'm experiencing, and it definitely feels like a 'miracle' to me lol

So let's do this again and let's see what comes up now. This time it's 'do', 'me' and 'miracle'. Or how about 'gratitude', 'alignment' and 'care'. Or 'strength', 'care' and 'power'. You can keep going but, the words you pick out will be specific. As in, they 'resonate' with you. You can even let your eyes glide over it and you'll see different words, but only the ones that are specific for you will really 'stand out'. Especially when you've already done it a few times, you already know where all the words are lol so you'll still 'see' all those words. Yet only the actual relevant and 'specific' ones will stand out.

Like I said, it's nothing magical or 'special'. But it does give you a chance to 'check in with yourself' in a way that's just fun and simplistic. Check in with the 'real you' so to speak. And what that real you wants you to know and become aware of.