Safe Haven: A Self-Creation

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Be Self-Conscious"

Ok so we’re looking at this again lol. There’s so much ‘resistance’ around keeping the focus on this word I’ve found. But, not even the ‘obvious’ resistance. You know where you get all lethargic or when you just know that you’re busy distracting yourself and you just DON’T WANT TO do the thing you’ve set about doing.

This resistance is more ‘insidious’ I suppose. It’s like a gradual waning of the interest in working with it, and then before I know it, my interests are elsewhere and the word has been forgotten. And so have the realizations and understandings of its importance and the importance and relevance of working with it.

And the reasons for that are a couple different ones. There’s just the belief that ‘there are more important things to focus on’. And yes fair enough, I mean when you’re walking your process, there’s always going to be points that come up to look into. Points that grab your attention for a moment and seem quite ‘relevant’ and ‘important’ when and as they come up, because it’s just what’s ‘here’. And so you work with what is ‘here’.

But I guess mostly the ‘resistance’ stems from the fact that me CHOOSING and DECIDING to take on this word and explore and figure out for myself what it means to live and be and become this word, is truly a point of SELF-creation and SELF-direction. It is something I stand alone in. Something I can’t follow others in or trust others in. Like, this is purely me deciding to do this. And so there are a lot of doubts and insecurities that sort of activate in the mind because of that, which is what makes me eventually ‘lose interest’ in pursuing this. And why one moment I will realize and understand the absolute importance that I keep my focus on creating and living this word, and why the next I’ll have ‘forgotten’ all about it.

Because there’s lots and lots of fears in the mind with regards to ‘self-creation’. Or rather with regards to doing or deciding anything for myself. Being self-directive. The mind is more geared towards just being a ‘follower’, a slave, someone who doesn’t decide things for themselves but who follows and takes instructions and just ‘does what everybody else is doing’.

And specifically walking it consistently would be an act of self-creation. Actually keeping the focus on it, and saying YES this is what I am creating! Cause deep down there is quite a bit of self-doubt actually. Where, even though yes I do sort of see how and why It would be supportive for me to live this word, when it comes to ACTUALLY ‘creating’ through being consistent, there’s a doubt that comes up that maybe I can’t really trust myself. Maybe I can’t really entirely trust my own assessment of what’s ‘best’ and of what to create. So yeah, maybe I should just let it go a bit and focus on other things.

Sort of a point of thinking ‘who am I to create anything?’ ‘Who am I to decide anything?’ ‘I don’t know anything and I have never known anything so who the hell am I to think that I know what is best?’ Even though lol, obviously a ‘safe haven’ is best. I mean, why wouldn’t it be? Wouldn’t it be truly ‘best for all’ if earth, if existence, was a ‘safe haven’? Yet somehow this ‘doubt’ point is making me give up on something that I can clearly see for myself is BEST. Something I do see is worth creating. Yet so much in me is still sort of giving the ‘benefit of the doubt’ to the mind. The mind saying ‘oh no all this other stuff is more important’. And sure, yes it’s also important to work with the day-to-day kind of points that come up, of course. BUT equally if not much more important to keep the eye on self-creation. Cause I mean I can ‘work with’ or ‘work through’ points till kingdom come, but at the end of the day I’m the one who needs to actually create that kingdom lol. So I do need to live that DECISION of ‘THIS is what I am CREATING!’ consistently, until I have created it.

To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

I don't understand it, therefore it isn't real

So why is it, that all those people, or most of them anyways, in the first world countries, are so...'passive' when it comes to the suffering in this world? All those 'privileged' human beings, who are born in wealthy or at least middle-class families, in positions of ABUNDANCE. Who have and get everything they need and want and lack nothing. Who are raised in - more or less - stable families, and get the support they need to 'make it' in life. To go to school, get a degree, find a job, and start a family of their own, without ever really needing to worry about 'survival' necessarily, as everything in life is pretty 'easy' and 'straightforward'.

What is it that makes us so disconnected and separated and aloof in relation to the suffering in this world? Suffering that is VERY real, for many many beings. While we are in the ULTIMATE position of power, to really do something about it. What is it inside of ourselves, in our very minds, that cause us to 'accept' things as they are? Rather than STAND UP, SPEAK UP, DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, as any sane person would do, when faced with the horrifying and atrocious suffering that's part of 'life on earth'.

I mean, by all accounts, you would almost think, that we truly just 'don't care'. That we are entirely devoid of life and feeling, and lack even the slightest sensitivity to see or pick up on another's pain. How do we sleep at night?! Literally. How?!

Let me answer that question, with myself as the best example. I was born in a first world country. In a family of abundance. We never lacked anything. I was always given everything I needed or wanted. I never had to worry about 'survival'. My life was easy. As if it was programmed that way. I was aware that there was 'suffering' in the world. I was aware that in some far away lands, there was 'war', and people were suffering as a consequence of it. That there was 'poverty', somewhere. That there were even entire countries - called 'third world countries' - where EVERYONE existed in poverty and even starvation. A LACK that is beyond comprehension. I watched the news, I saw the photos and the videos.

I KNEW, on some level in my mind, that all that 'existed'. But to be honest, on some other level within myself, I didn't really BELIEVE it. I mean that's kind of weird to say actually because as they say, 'seeing is believing'. And, I did SEE, physically, with my own eyes. Yet, I did not 'believe'. I could not FATHOM that anyone else's life could be so different from mine.  That there were people out there who did not know the kind of safety and security and stability that seemed to be an absolute given in my world and reality. I mean even everyone around me seemed to enjoy that same sense of safety, stability and security. All, equally. Life was good for everyone that I knew. So then, how could it be so different elsewhere?

I grew up in Belgium. And in Belgium, in most of Belgium, the inequality isn't so great as in most of the rest of the world. 'The middle-class rules the country.' That's from a popular Belgian song. It means that sure while there were people who made more money than others, it didn't really matter all that much what kind of job you did. Everyone was 'taken care of'. There was a sense of 'equality' within how much money and means everyone had. And so everyone was 'happy'. Everyone was able to 'enjoy life'.

That was the 'world' that I grew up in. A world wherein everyone can be equally happy. And in that world, the concept of 'suffering', or 'starvation', did not exist. And it was almost like living in a bubble. Where even though there were images coming through on the TV of people living entirely different lives - lives so opposite to ours - the images never really 'registered' as being anything 'real' or anything substantial because I simply 'couldn't relate'. I could not 'understand', as it's never been part of my 'frame of reference'.

It's sort of weird to say, but yes I could not understand, and so it didn't seem 'real'. And so I could continue to 'ignore' and 'brush it off', like it's of no consequence. Like all that REALLY matters, is just the comings and goings of my own life, and the lives of those around me. NOT the fact that somewhere out there, lots of people are seriously suffering, in ways that even my worst nightmares can't describe.

BUT, although my mind did not BELIEVE what my eyes did SEE, and although therefore it seemed entirely justified to just ignore it all, deeeep deep down within myself there was an awareness. An awareness that it IS all real. And that awareness became a 'guilt'. Something that was eating me up inside. Something that made me feel wretched within myself. The guilt of knowing that all this is going on, but I am doing NOTHING about it. And that I can tell myself that 'I don't understand' and 'I don't believe' as much as I want, but at the end of the day the guilt does not go away. Until I actually STAND UP and do whatever I can to FIX and SOLVE and CHANGE  those things in this world that SHOULD NOT exist.

Living my Living Word

This is a continuation of my previous post "My Living Word"

Working with the word Safe Haven has been interesting so far. My initial exploration of the word was more on an internal level, of 'what does it mean to be and stand as a Safe Haven?' But then I also looked at 'how can I practically, physically live this world?', which was a little more challenging since it's not so easy as just basically 'feeling' or 'seeing' the word within me.

Safe Haven for me is very much about focusing on myself, in terms of creating a 'safe space' for myself, both internally as externally. A place where I am 'free from harm'. A 'harbor'. A place where I can relax and be myself.

On an internal level that means to sort of draw everything into me, like drawing ships into my harbor, rather than me being 'drawn out' within for instance focusing on others over myself and thinking about 'the world around me' more than myself. With living Safe Haven it's more like, all those points I tend to get 'drawn to' within my thoughts, when I sort of 'drift off' within thinking about other people and then lose my awareness of myself within that - I have to instead draw all those points into myself. Draw 'other people' into myself, and so making my awareness of myself my primary focus. And, rather than me getting pulled towards it, I pull it towards me.

On an external level, a point I have considered is to just literally create a 'safe haven' for myself. In terms of creating a living space and environment that makes me feel 'safe'. Considering 'me' and what I need, within how I organize and set up and create my living space. Which is in fact equally important as the internal dimension. It's living the word on all levels of 'who I am', in oneness and equality.

And it's certainly counter-intuitive I have noticed, just because I'm not used to living in this way. I am used to 'getting lost' within thinking and worrying about 'other people'. I'm used to sort of neglecting my physical living space and not really consider what I actually need, to support myself. I am used to not making myself the 'center focus' of everything, and I'm used to NOT feeling safe within myself and my reality. So it's definitely been opening up fascinating points for me so far.


www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com

Checking In with the Real You

This is a continuation of my previous post "The True Test is the Positive"

Let's talk about something exciting today - for a change lol

There was this post on facebook:

The first words I saw were 'me', 'connection' and 'miracle'. At first I thought "Pffft, this is stupid". But then I figured, well, everything is specific. And it may not be something 'magical' and 'profound', but it is 'specific'. As in, pertaining to 'where you're at'. Things are also specific in that they don't just show you 'where you're at' but also what you should maybe be realizing.

Those three words I picked out actually very much make sense when I look at 'where I'm at' right now. In that, even though I've had to face and realize some 'tough' things about myself recently, it's definitely brought about a 'new' point of connection that I'm experiencing, and it definitely feels like a 'miracle' to me lol

So let's do this again and let's see what comes up now. This time it's 'do', 'me' and 'miracle'. Or how about 'gratitude', 'alignment' and 'care'. Or 'strength', 'care' and 'power'. You can keep going but, the words you pick out will be specific. As in, they 'resonate' with you. You can even let your eyes glide over it and you'll see different words, but only the ones that are specific for you will really 'stand out'. Especially when you've already done it a few times, you already know where all the words are lol so you'll still 'see' all those words. Yet only the actual relevant and 'specific' ones will stand out.

Like I said, it's nothing magical or 'special'. But it does give you a chance to 'check in with yourself' in a way that's just fun and simplistic. Check in with the 'real you' so to speak. And what that real you wants you to know and become aware of.