This is a continuation of my previous post "The Purpose of a Relationship"
I love myself. I've been starting to say that to myself. But then I was like 'well what does that mean?'. It means 'I do what is best for me'. I guess that's why 'love' is always such a 'general' kind of word. Cause it basically means EVERYTHING. A commitment to do what's best for myself.
I mean I've never loved myself. In fact I've always hated myself. I couldn't stand myself. I'd use any opportunity to undermine myself, hurt myself, sabotage myself, bully myself. In fact, I feel like that's kind of how these blogs started. Cause I was 'getting somewhere' with myself. So then a point came up. I realized a 'mistake' I had made. A point I hadn't been considering in my process. And all of a sudden I plunged into deep despair and self-judgement, beating up on myself over "how could I have missed this?!!"
And I thought I was supporting myself but it was coming from quite a self-sabotaging starting point, cause at the end of the day it was just an opportunity for the mind to make me 'fall' and falter and give up on what I was doing, which was slowly but surely learning to support myself.
And I mean yeah at the end of the day this was all 'necessary' in the sense that I did end up realizing an important point. Just the whole emotional self-chastising around it made me doubt the process that I was already walking with myself and just intensified this whole programming of self-hate. Which has now just been another 'layer' for me to walk through, ultimately ending up at the same realization, that I need to really start loving myself. So it's interesting how the mind could take a small point, like a realization that 'I missed a point in my process' and spin so much information around it to get you to 'fall' while making you believe you're actually supporting yourself, and make you not even recognize just how much emotional trauma you're actually putting yourself through.
All because you didn't understand that the information you accept as 'real' is what you 'create' as your 'reality'. So that is now your internal reality. Until you start questioning all the suffering you're going through internally and realize that it was all not real to begin with, but merely reactions to 'information' that you unquestioningly 'accepted' as real. Which all went according to the mind's plan. And that, your real focus should be on forgiving that suffering and learning to love yourself unconditionally, and to essentially ignore the 'information' the mind wants you to believe.
So, I made quite a tumble. With some consequences as a result lol. But, I did come to some valuable understandings and realizations, so I have that going for me. Which is nice.
