Becoming aware of my ANGER

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living Balance"

Did I say anger? I meant HATE. Growing older, into more of an ‘aDULLt’, I’m not so much aware of it now actually – how I used to in fact HATE everything and everyone. I couldn’t STAND when people expressed themselves. I couldn’t STAND myself when I expressed myself. So I never expressed myself. And still don’t. But have long forgotten that I don’t express myself because of all this HATE within me.

The hate came out particularly nasty when I became a teenager. I became a little hateful, judgmental demon. And in my early adolescence it just became more and more compounded within me. The absolute HATE of EVERYONE. Just a ball of hate I was. An interesting thing then happened into early adulthood, in that I became more POSITIVE. And suppressed all the hate that was really there and had been there since almost the beginning. Suddenly I ‘care’ about people and about relationships and suddenly things are ‘positive’. Which has been the greatest deception ever because lo and behold, the HATE is still actually all there – just on dimensions and levels within myself that are hidden from my immediate awareness.

But that hate, actually originated within FEAR. From the fact that I was dealing with massive, intense and incredible amounts of fear within myself, which I didn’t know what to do with. Fear and disempowerment, a lot of it, on such deep levels. Hate was just a particular energy that seemed to allow me to take ALL that fear and disempowerment inside myself and sort of channel or compensate or transform it into something that I could ‘control’, in a way. Something I could direct like arrows and bullets, towards other people, and to myself. It made me feel like I had a sense of ‘power’, rather than just feeling disempowered and afraid all the time.

I mean obviously this is what then caused a great problem. This ‘illusion of power’.  This REACTING to fear with HATE, rather than RESPONDING to it with self-honesty. Since, HATE is now the manifested problem in this physical world and reality. HATE is the human condition. This desire to destroy and attack and abuse and diminish through real-hate-I-on-ships. This taking out our ‘frustrations’ onto one another. Because deep down we actually feel extremely fearful and diminished and disempowered and small but don’t know how to deal with our fears effectively so we take the ‘easy route’ into REACTIONS, like anger and hate.

While, what we should be doing is turning inward and just being real and honest with ourselves about what we’re ACTUALLY going through, no matter how overwhelming or lost or confused we may be feeling. Showing ourselves some LOVE lol. As in some attention and support and care, urging ourselves to open up about what’s going on inside instead of suppressing it all just cause we think it’s too much. Allowing ourselves to stand in and as the fear and the confusion and overwhelmedness. And saying to ourselves “it’s OK. I’m here. It’s alright that you’re going through this. We’ll find a way through.”

And to at least, when we do go into reactions of anger or hate, see them as flag points to urge ourselves to, instead of lashing out, look inward to the point of fear and disempowerment it’s originating from, to work on releasing the source of the problem and so actually live a solution, rather than living in suppression and making everything worse. Cause at the end of the day, even though it may seem like a ‘quick fix’ or a ‘quick route’ to ‘power’, and a way to ‘deal with’ fear and disempowerment, anger and hate is NOT a solution. We need to start taking the difficult route of self-honesty and self-responsibility. Cause we will literally self-destruct if we don’t.

I Love Myself

 This is a continuation of my previous post "The Purpose of a Relationship"

I love myself. I've been starting to say that to myself. But then I was like 'well what does that mean?'. It means 'I do what is best for me'. I guess that's why 'love' is always such a 'general' kind of word. Cause it basically means EVERYTHING. A commitment to do what's best for myself.

I mean I've never loved myself. In fact I've always hated myself. I couldn't stand myself. I'd use any opportunity to undermine myself, hurt myself, sabotage myself, bully myself. In fact, I feel like that's kind of how these blogs started. Cause I was 'getting somewhere' with myself. So then a point came up. I realized a 'mistake' I had made. A point I hadn't been considering in my process. And all of a sudden I plunged into deep despair and self-judgement, beating up on myself over "how could I have missed this?!!"

And I thought I was supporting myself but it was coming from quite a self-sabotaging starting point, cause at the end of the day it was just an opportunity for the mind to make me 'fall' and falter and give up on what I was doing, which was slowly but surely learning to support myself.

And I mean yeah at the end of the day this was all 'necessary' in the sense that I did end up realizing an important point. Just the whole emotional self-chastising around it made me doubt the process that I was already walking with myself and just intensified this whole programming of self-hate. Which has now just been another 'layer' for me to walk through, ultimately ending up at the same realization, that I need to really start loving myself. So it's interesting how the mind could take a small point, like a realization that 'I missed a point in my process' and spin so much information around it to get you to 'fall' while making you believe you're actually supporting yourself, and make you not even recognize just how much emotional trauma you're actually putting yourself through.

All because you didn't understand that the information you accept as 'real' is what you 'create' as your 'reality'. So that is now your internal reality. Until you start questioning all the suffering you're going through internally and realize that it was all not real to begin with, but merely reactions to 'information' that you unquestioningly 'accepted' as real. Which all went according to the mind's plan. And that, your real focus should be on forgiving that suffering and learning to love yourself unconditionally, and to essentially ignore the 'information' the mind wants you to believe.

So, I made quite a tumble. With some consequences as a result lol. But, I did come to some valuable understandings and realizations, so I have that going for me. Which is nice.