Getting Divorced

 

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because paul said we should divorce

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that divorce is bad and that it means abandonment and aloneness and loneliness and depravity and lack

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear divorce

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that divorce is evil because then why did we get married?

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that divorce is a consequence of marriage and the fact that marriage is not properly understood within humanity

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I never understood marriage properly as I got married based on an illusion as ideals, expectations, hopes and dreams

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that divorce is at least something that lets people start over when they’ve made the mistake of marriage without understanding what marriage entails, which is in a way a mercy

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to grant myself this mercy of being able to start over by fearing divorce and by labeling and defining it as something negative or something that ‘shouldn’t happen’ --- instead of simply admitting and being real about the fact that I am not a perfect person and that I make mistakes, often through ignorance and not properly educating myself and making impulsive decisions, and that therefore it’s definitely necessary sometimes to just ‘start over’, and that therefore ‘divorce’ is not a ‘bad’ thing as it’s more like a mercy for the stupid people in the world like me --- as in people who still have a lot to learn with regards to relationships

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to simply be grateful that I get to start over after I’ve realized I’ve made a mistake and to stop clinging on to the idea that maybe what I did wasn’t a mistake and maybe I can still ‘make it work’ just because I’ve allowed a ‘stigma’ and judgment around ‘divorce’ in my mind --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it’s always better to start over from scratch after you’ve made a mistake and this should be a normal thing rather than something to judge or feel guilty about

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it should be honored, the opportunity to get to start over, because it is a realization of what I ‘did wrong’, and a resolution and commitment to do it better this time --- realizing and using what I’ve learned to create something better --- like a painter re-starting a painting, to re-apply the techniques and skills I’ve learned  and am learning in order to be more purposeful in what I am creating

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that mistakes should not be shamed or stigmatized or judged, even in relationships, but should be recognized as stepping stones for the individual to learn and perfect themselves --- as we’re all learning in some way or another as human beings in this world, what it means to create effective relationships and how to live effective lives

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that people used to not be able to get divorced… not even that long ago, and were expected to choose a person to be in a relationship/marriage with and then be with that person for the rest of their lives, as a religious thing --- and that this caused a lot of suppressed mis-understandings or lack of understanding within people with regards to what relationships even are and how to live and establish effective “romantic” and “partnership” relationships, as people were essentially not allowed to ‘start over’ or let alone discover and explore themselves in terms of who they really are when it comes to ‘relationships’/sex/marriage/having kids/commitment/etcetera --- it was really just a ‘one-and-done’ deal

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and recognize the damage religion has caused to ‘relationships’ and humanity’s potential to create real, effective, fulfilling relationships --- and that a lot of my own personal experience with and within my marriage and relationship has been influenced by the past as in preprogrammed belief systems, judgments and stigma related to religious programming going back generations in my society and family --- which makes divorce a good thing because at least I get the chance to make mistakes and learn and start over and get to know who I am when it comes to marriage and relationships and how to create effective relationships in that process – provided I don’t make the same mistakes over and over again

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to ‘start over’ in relationships by having all these belief systems and ideas around ‘marriage’ and ‘being in a relationship’, like the belief or idea that it’s supposed to be ‘forever’ and that it’s supposed to be ‘real love’ which is supposed to ‘last for eternity’ and we’re supposed to be ‘made for each other’ or that we’re supposed to fix things if it’s not working --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that all those beliefs are more like coping mechanisms as a way that humans have tried to create this ‘positive spin’ on the fact that they were essentially stuck together with another person with no way out once they got married, telling themselves there’s some divine reason they’re together or because they’re ‘soulmates’, which again is apparently a ‘match made in heaven’, to essentially talk themselves into believing that being ‘stuck’ in a relationship is a good idea

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if a relationship simply isn’t aligned with who I am then there’s no point in continuing it or let alone wasting precious time and energy on trying to ‘make it work’ --- cause a relationship is supposed to make me more effective, rather than doing the opposite, providing obstacle after obstacle which then has to be ‘overcome’ and ‘fixed’ where I end up focusing more on constantly trying to ‘fix the issues’ in my life than on actually moving forward and expressing with focus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel scared of starting over and to have accepted and allowed myself to use marriage and my relationship as some kind of comfort blanket and something I’m trying to hold on to, to stave off this fear of starting over alone

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and project these fears as worst case scenarios in my mind of what will or might happen if I get divorced – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have no idea what the future holds and what it ‘will be like’ and that I’ll have to take it one step at a time --- which doesn’t mean I wont get to ‘live’ and have fun and enjoy myself and express and be me

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically scare myself into thinking and believing that marriage and staying in an ineffective relationship is a better idea, by going into this worst case scenario thinking pattern/personality wherein I seem to assume that ‘everything will be horrible’ or that I simply don’t have the capability or capacity to deal with and handle these real-life kind of situations of having to live and deal with the system and society in a different way --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in a way that’s part of the programming where I am terrified of ‘not being in a relationship’ which then serves as motivator to justify ineffective relationships --- because apparently relationships/marriage is this ‘cocoon’ that protects one from ‘the system’ and the world, instead of realizing and seeing and understanding that at this point I have barely gotten to know ‘me’ outside of this ‘cocoon’ throughout my life so I honestly can’t tell how I’d ‘deal’, who knows I might be completely bad-ass at it

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have trust and confidence in myself when it comes to ‘being alone in the system’ and to see, realize and understand that any fears or negative future projections that I have are a lie because I have barely ever truly been alone before so I can’t even know myself  and know my capabilities

 

 

So I see, realize and understand that any reactions I’m having to the concept of ‘divorce’ are more like preprogrammed reactions based on ‘stigmas’ connected to religious programming as well as coming from fears in relation to ‘being alone’ and being a ‘single woman’ in the world system, wherein I am not seeing ‘me’ because I actually have very little experience with being alone and ‘single’ in this world, especially in Canada, so I honestly can’t know how I would handle or deal with it

 

I commit myself to have trust and faith in myself, rather than having ‘faith’ in these preprogrammed religious beliefs around ‘relationships’ and ‘marriage’ which at the end of the day really just seem to justify and support the world system as this scary demonic thing that we must all exist in fear of basically, and then enter into these relationships based on Stockholm syndrome where we find ‘comfort’ in ‘being stuck’ and where ‘togetherness’ becomes co-dependence and emotional anxiety-based attachment

 

I see and realize and understand that divorce is not a ‘bad’ thing because it actually allows people to start over after toxic/ineffective/harmful relationships, which is a form of grace and mercy

 

So I commit myself to embrace this ‘divorce’ with open arms and to recognize  and accept and embrace it as a chance to ‘start over’ which I realize is not a bad thing but something I should honor and appreciate --- and to just continue to find my way, knowing that this is just a second chapter in my journey of getting to know myself and realizing who I really am as life in this world and how to create effective relationships

The Words of Bernard Poolman - by Kim amourette

  This blog post is kind of in response to, or to add to, some discussion that’s opened up recently involving essentially ‘the words of Bernard Poolman’ and how there is such a trap of how his words can be used as a sort of gospel, where they are basically not questioned or verified according to one’s own living and experience but more used in the context of, ‘well he said that so it must be how it is’.

And I feel called upon to share my perspective because this is a trap I myself have fallen into to be sure. And in a way, from my perspective, given the way us humans are programmed on a mind-level, it’s very unlikely for any person to not fall into this trap, unless you’ve already prepared yourself throughout your lifetime to have a very strong sense of who you are when it comes to information, authority, the world system and your environment in general. I personally have not had that background. I’ve been extremely susceptible to influence, suggestion, instruction and just overall brainwashing lol, and it’s taken me years of walking my process to even arrive at this realization.

I’d even say that much of my process has been about taking the things Bernard has said to me or statements he’s made in general, which I’ve been using as guidelines on ‘how to properly walk my process’, and finding out who I actually am within it.  Learning how to be my own person and see things through my own eyes. Learning how to not religiously follow beliefs/statements/ideas, but becoming my own tool or means of assessment and discernment of what’s actually real.

There’s been a few things that stood out for me in terms of what he’s told me which, looking back on it now, actually just ended up creating more confusion and conflict in me than anything. A prime example is when on one occasion he said to me, “you just need to accept yourself”, but then in another instance told me that “you’ll be rejected by life if you dishonor yourself” lol. I just think that’s particularly funny, reading that again, because that one did such a number on my brain that I often think that probably if he had just not said anything to me I would have had a better shot of figuring this stuff out on my own sooner. Or rather, what he said in a way only pushed me, through the conflict it created in me, to realize that what he said doesn’t actually matter. Whether that was intentional from his side or not, I’ll never be able to verify, and in a way I’m thankful for the conflict because yes it did and still does continue to just push me to that point of saying, “you know what, fuck this lol. Screw following this information and trying to live by it and trying to be good and do the right thing. I’m here and I define me, not this stuff that I’ve been holding on to in my head cause it’s what I’ve been told at some point or another.”

Because at the end of the day I’ve found that what matters is just that I live and apply the tools, that I learn to trust myself and through testing and trying things out, learn for myself what life is all about. I have to admit that I had such a ‘religion-oriented’ mind-set that I automatically created a doctrine out of things that were said. I wasn’t even aware that I was doing it, and I have never consciously been ‘religious’. This is just unconscious mind preprogramming related to cultural/genetic history having unconscious influences in the way that I was brought up as well. I mean, no one can show you this stuff, in terms of how your mind picks things up and interprets information according to unconscious structures that have formed and I also don’t yet see all of it. But what I do see is from what I’ve been able to realize for myself, not because of what I’ve been told.

That’s just my personal experience when it comes to ‘the things Bernard Poolman said’ and how I’ve realized that, like with anything, it must be questioned and referenced to your own self-developed understanding of things and shouldn’t be used as a gospel to live by. The message has always been clear: sort yourself out by walking your process, using the tools, become your own master and leader and you’ll see for yourself what’s real and what’s not. 

 

 

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

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From Relationship to Agreement

This is quite an interesting blog written by Kim Kline, called "Relationships as religion" and well worth a read as her experiences mirror my own. I've been walking a similar path as of late, walking a relationship into an agreement. In fact, I had my relationship fail first before it was able, or rather before I was able to consider it could also be something different. Something more supportive for me as an individual, rather than something that would have me compromise myself.

In fact my relationship failed because I was so indoctrinated and obsessed with the religion of it. Using it as the 'rock' that hides and suppresses my deep, hidden fears. I was not supporting myself. My real self. Who I am as an individual. I more defined myself by the relationship. By my fear of losing it in my life. Fear of what I may face and experience within myself if I lost this 'rock'. And the indoctrination was so deep that I had to lose it, to realize there is still a 'self' without the relationship, and that that self needs to be honored a lot more than I had been. It was only fitting for my relationship to fail so that I may see and realize I had not been honoring what's best for me. I had not been listening to myself, or expressing myself. I was living for some 'God' or some 'idea' of what's more important than me, being my 'relationship'. Something I believed I could not live without.

All of my perfect ideas and ideals around relationships needed to end so that I could realize that what I had been believing in all this time had been a lie, and so that I could finally start placing myself first as 'God'. Having some self-respect, some self-integrity, self-honor and self-consideration. 

It was only because life took an unexpected turn of events, that my (ex)-partner and I came back together to form an agreement. This time both of us with open eyes, not 'falling' into anything, not out of feelings of 'love' or beliefs about being 'meant for each other' or even a desire to be together. But simply an agreement that we'll be two individuals who walk together in the physical and who will honor themselves and stand in support of honoring that individuality.

It is still challenging, because the desire to be in a relationship will still come up. The familiar tendency to want that 'rock' to be there to conveniently hide all of my fears under, and any of the unpleasant and uncomfortable experiences I've come to associate with 'being alone'. But, as Kim Kline stated in her blog, and as I've also realized, I am not alone. Yes I am responsible for me, I am an individual, I do not need a relationship, but just because there is no relationship, doesn't mean there is 'aloneness'. In fact I've found that within an agreement there is more togetherness, because now I get to be unapologetically me. I get to share me as I am. I don't need to hide anything, which I realized I was actually doing quite a lot while in a relationship. In fact, being in a relationship made me feel much more alone than being in an agreement. I just never realized how much until I stepped out of the relationship and suddenly felt a sense of freedom.

To be continued...

www.desteni.org

www.destonians.com

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.eqafe.com

The Power of FORGIVENESS

This is a continuation of my previous blog "The Harm and Damage Energy does to the Body"

It’s hard to believe that after over ten years of walking with desteni and applying self-forgiveness DAILY, that I’m only now really starting to understand what the word ‘forgiveness’ actually means lol. I mean of course I did look at the word before and tried to define it, but only now did I REAL-EYES what the word is as a LIVING WORD.

And it started with me noticing and recognizing this tendency I have to believe that I am ‘doomed’. Like, something will come up, or I will face something about myself that I hadn’t realized before. And for a moment I’m like ‘omg I’m so evil for doing this or being this way’. Which, yeah, fair enough, it’s true. I AM or HAVE BEEN ‘evil’, because, the mind is simply evil.  Everything about our human existence is ‘evil’, so yeah, when I start getting honest with myself, I’m gonna see some shit.

But I noticed that in the back of my mind, there is also a lot of resistance and reluctance to seeing the ‘shit’. Even though there’s a commitment to be as self-honest as I can be, there’s always at the same time been this strong resistance to really SEE the reality of myself. Because there’s this belief that I am effectively ‘damned’. That, in other words I do not have the ability to simply ‘change’, but that rather I am defined by whatever I am seeing and realizing. And that, when I see something ‘evil’ about myself, that means I AM evil.

So when I saw this point of ‘damnation’ within my mind I was like, ‘wait a minute, where’s my forgiveness??’ Why is it that even with all those years of applying and walking self-forgiveness, there’s still this belief within me that when it comes to the ‘evil’ inside me I can’t simply see it, realize it, forgive it and change? That somehow I must fear it because apparently I am ‘doomed’??

Which made me realize that clearly it’s within how I have and still actually am DEFINING the word ‘forgiveness’. Defining it as something that I cannot truly in fact give to myself. Something that I must strive to, and prove myself worthy of. Where, I must first prove that I am ‘good’ in order to ‘deserve forgiveness’. Lol, which is just crazy actually. I’ve defined ‘forgiveness’ in and as the religious construct in the mind. In terms of it being something that exists sort of in the ‘spirit realm’. Something that isn’t just HERE, directly accessible to me, but exists in some alternate dimension which I cannot actually get to.

It’s the accepted conditioning of the word as connected with the story of Jesus and the Bible and God and all that. All STORIES which really have nothing to do with actual practical reality. With what’s HERE. It’s more in the principle of ‘after you die’. Things like ‘forgiveness’ or ‘heaven’ or unconditional acceptance and love and absolution, will only be available to you after you die – and even there it’s a ‘maybe’. Cause again, it’s just stories that have nothing to do with REALITY.

The living word FORGIVENESS is actually simply about recognizing and realizing my power, ability and authority to GIVE myself all the things I’ve always wanted, through for instance living words. All those things that’s been defined in and as the religious construct – ‘heaven’, ‘unconditional love’, ‘acceptance’, ‘forgiveness’, ‘absolution’, ‘grace’, etcetera. All things that are of ‘Godliness’. So no wonder Jesus, along with forgiveness, have become defined in and as the religious construct, so that human beings would never recognize and realize the actual POWER of forgiveness, but would simply accept that it’s something ‘inaccessible’ for us ‘mere mortals’. Accepting our total disempowerment to create and give ourselves everything that we’ve always truly wanted on a beingness level. To truly stand as God and Creator.

www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com