Fear of Failure and self-forgiveness - Day 1

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project ‘failure’ onto the future in my mind – and to react to any possible decision that I’m considering with a fear of it ‘failing’ in the future --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief in apparent ‘failure’ is something I have inherited from my father as he used to emotionally abuse me by making me feel like I ‘failed’ at things as in that I was not capable of succeeding or being successful and that I was apparently just an ‘idiot’ who made all the wrong decisions and was doing ‘stupid’ things in their life without any capability at being successful at anything

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that that definition of ‘failure’ doesn’t actually exist except for in the mind as a thought and emotional experience, as it is in fact a personality programming of beating up on myself, expecting the worst and having a negative opinion of myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as that negatively charged emotional experience of disappointment – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a consequence of having grown up in an environment where there were a lot of ‘expectations’ placed and defined as a ‘positive’ point, where ‘disappointment’ as a reaction to apparent ‘failure’ to live up to the expectations was then used as the negative within and as a polarity – in order to keep the child ‘in line’ as in living according to the expectations as ‘wants’ of the parent, as what was defined as a ‘failure’ was all preprogrammed and decided by the expectations and wants of the parents and thus not what the word ‘failure’ actually is

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘failure’ in and as that preprogrammed mind consciousness system where ‘failure’ is defined by the parents expectations and used as a manipulation tactic to keep the child in line with the parents’ wants --- instead of being the self-directive principle of and as the word ‘failure’ and live the word failure as a principle as a living word rather than a word defined in and as energy as the mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an emotional experience to the word ‘failure’, where I suddenly feel ‘bad’ about myself and feel disappointed and I feel down on myself and beat up on myself for being an apparent ‘failure’ as in believing that I couldn’t do what I was apparently ‘supposed to’ do as in the expectations that were there for me and now that I did not live up to those expectations, I am apparently ‘inferior’ and worth less than others who apparently DID achieve and live up to the ‘expectations’ –

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word failure with an emotional experience of inferiority and a belief that I am ‘less than’ others who were apparently ‘successful’ or who apparently ‘havent failed’ – where I have defined the word failure within and as comparison with others and a belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to and if I cannot live up to those apparent expectations then I am a ‘failure’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as the belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to – instead of seeing realizing and understanding that failure as a living word is when I give up on myself, by for instance trying to live up to other people’s expectations, so the word failure is a reminder to myself to trust myself and honor myself and make sure that I believe in myself and place myself first rather than compare myself to others

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to fail is to give up on myself and to stop trusting and supporting and believing in myself, to stop pushing and moving and motivating myself – and has nothing to do with expectations from other people or expectations in general

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail by not believing in myself and giving up on myself in and as a ‘fear of failure’ as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to live the word failure as a living word as a reminder to stand by myself and support myself and not give up on myself

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to ‘fail’ as a living word and principle is in fact the opposite of how ‘failure’ is defined in and as the mind, where the mind defines failure as not being able to live up to expectations in separation with self, while ‘failure’ as a living word would be for instance to try to live up to expectations rather than honoring oneself and living by ones own principles, and to give up oneself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop believing in myself because I believed that I ‘failed’ because I could not live up to certain expectations that I was measuring myself up to – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the real ‘failure’ was that I stopped believing in myself and stopped supporting myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by believing that I have already failed as I’ve defined the word failure in and as an energy polarity and an experience of fear

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider allowing this fear of failure to influence me into giving up on myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘failure’ is to give up on myself and that I can only fail if I give up

 

When and as I see myself going into fear of failing as a fear where I project emotional experiences of inferiority, regret, shame and disappointment into the future – then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that ‘failure’ is not a negatively charged emotional energy connected with a belief that I ‘havent lived up to expectations’, but failure is in fact the abandonment of myself here and the giving up on myself

 

So I see, realize and understand that it is in fact this point of existing in fear of failure as a future projection that is me living ‘failure’ as I am not trusting, supporting, motivating or believing in myself or doing what’s best for myself HERE but rather trusting these future projections as imaginations in the mind

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘failure’ as a reminder to keep trusting and supporting and believing in myself and a reminder that to fail is to give up on myself

 

I see, realize and understand that failure has nothing to do with ‘expectations’ but has everything to do with my relationship with myself and whether I am honoring myself and what is best for me in my life

 

I commit myself to honor myself and what is best for myself  - to trust myself, support myself and not give up on myself and what is best for me as life in and as the physical in oneness and equality

 

I see, realize and understand that I can only fail if I give up on myself and that the moment I give up on myself, I have failed and that therefore the fear of failing is not an excuse to give up on myself as ‘failure’ is never real unless I give up on myself

 

I commit myself to live success as a living word and principle of not giving up on myself and not allowing myself to ‘fail’

 

I see, realize and understand that success is not about living up to expectations in separation of myself but is about honoring myself and being true to myself and supporting myself unconditionally within anything and everything I do in my life and never giving up on myself and on supporting myself

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘success’ as the principle of not giving up on myself as life in and as the physical in and as oneness and equality – not allowing myself to fail, which is to give up on myself – and to commit myself to support, motivate and move myself unconditionally, not allowing anything to influence me to ‘give up’

The Meaning of Purpose

 

 I've noticed that when it comes to ideas that I have where 'I'd like to' express something, like make a vlog or a blog and just do something that is in line with me expressing my care for life and the process I'm walking, there will very easily be 'discouragement' or rather thoughts come up that it's 'purposeless'. That I shouldn't bother, it's silly, it's stupid, just let it go and drop it and focus on more important things. 

That's lead me to have another look at the word 'purpose' and how I'm defining it, in terms of what is it that I'm actually deeming 'important', valuable and worthy of my time. Because clearly, some programming in my mind is telling me that the things I want to do that would stand in support of life are 'purposeless'. So there's a problem here...

 

 Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word purpose in the context of the mind as survival – where the question ‘what’s the purpose of this?’ must always be able to be answered in terms of how will it generate money, or a following, or produce something that’s considered a ‘value’ within the mind, such as money or fame or popularity or success of some sort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must require ‘proof’ that whatever I’m doing will in some way contribute to a future success in terms of money and survival – or that it must be nearly ‘set in stone’ that what I’m doing will have that eventual result of ‘success’ as defined in terms of money and/or fame – otherwise it’s simply not worth doing at all and is a ‘worthless pursuit’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find no ‘purpose’ and so no value or worth in things I do just for the sake of seeing that it may contribute to a better world, that it may be supportive in some way, where I am just expressing my ‘self’ as in my care for life and my care to contribute to a better world in whatever way possible, and where I don’t necessarily have a whole future business model all mapped out in terms of how I might become famous or make money from it or how I may even be able to be consistent in doing it – because all I have is that drive and that point of care to hopefully maybe do and contribute to something that matters

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that what matters isn’t scripted in any way, so it’s never going to be that ‘sure thing’ in terms of the mind’s definition of ‘money’ and ‘success’, and so to the mind it will never have ‘purpose’ – there will never be a ‘purpose’ or a value and worth in doing it and there’ll always be plenty of reasons for why you should just ‘give up’ and ‘not even bother’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that as long as ‘purpose’ is defined by and up to the mind, I will never see a ‘purpose’ in anything I do that matters, in terms of things I do as a ‘self’-expression – and that I must be the directive principle of the word ‘purpose’, in terms of for myself deciding what truly has value and worth in this world and what doesn’t – and so not just accept those thoughts that come up in the mind of ‘there’s no purpose to this’ or ‘this is worthless and a waste of time’ just because it does not directly relate to ‘survival’ and ‘money’ and ‘success’ defined within survival and money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept this preprogrammed definition of the word ‘purpose’, where the value or worth of something is defined by whether it’s able to contribute to ‘survival’ and ‘success’ as defined within the mind consciousness system where it’s defined within self-interest rather than what’s best or supportive for all – instead of being the directive principle of ‘purpose’ and aligning it with life as what’s best for all as who I really am and what I know to be what matters, where everything that contributes to creating a better world for all has value and worth, and the things that only consider self-interest do not have value or worth and so are ‘without purpose’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the consequences of living the word purpose as defined by the mind consciousness system in terms of only seeing value and worth in what’s going to contribute to my survival in this world is that I’m contributing to and creating a world and reality that does not honor life as self-expression in every moment – a world of competition and separation that disregards and neglects what’s actually here such as nature and animals, where no care is given to that which really matters, and so a world doomed to self-destruct

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word purpose within a positively charged energy that tells me that 'something HAS purpose' - instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that everything has a particular 'purpose' -- it's to just find out what that purpose is by investigating the consequences of my actions and having a look at what I'm actually contributing to and creating through my actions and behavior

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this belief that there are certain things that are 'purposeful' and other things that are 'purposeless' just shows me that I have been brainwashed and programmed to be a robot who only does things they've been programmed to believe 'have purpose' without understanding the actual purpose as in the consequences and what I'm actually busy creating - and so without being the directive principle in terms of actually investigating the consequences of my actions as to what 'purpose' my actions are actually serving, as well as deciding what it is I actually want to be creating

Self-commitment

When and as I see myself thinking that there’s no purpose to something I’m doing just because I cannot prove to myself or show how it might contribute to any future ‘success’ as defined by the mind in terms of money/fame/survival, and that I ‘shouldn’t even bother doing it’ and ‘should just give it up’ – then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that I am living the word purpose as defined in and as the mind and have been accepting and allowing the mind to be the directive principle of ‘purpose’

And I see, realize and understand that it’s how I’ve been taught and preprogrammed to live the word purpose – and that thus real purpose aligned with life as what’s best for all in oneness and equality is to investigate and look into the actual consequences of what I place value and worth in and which actions and behavior I deem valuable and worthy and which ones I don’t, to not just trust the thoughts that come up in the mind that something is ‘worthless’ and ‘I shouldn’t bother’ but to actually look into ‘what would this contribute to?’ and so to see where this action will take me and what I will end up creating through it

I see and realize and understand that the mind is programmed to automatically judge everything that’s aligned with life and that’s best for all as ‘purposeless’, and everything that contributes to self-interest as ‘purposeful’ – and that thus it’s up to me to investigate all things and be the directive principle of the word purpose in terms of self-honestly having a look at what actually contributes to creating a world that’s best for all and what actually only contributes to its inevitable destruction

As I see and realize and understand that oftentimes the mind will deem something ‘purposeless’ and ‘not worth doing’ while its those things that actually come from a place of innocence and self-expression and genuine care

I commit myself to live the word purpose  in terms of making sure that my actions and behavior is aligned with ultimately contributing to and creating a world that is best for all – supporting those behaviors and actions that are aligned with life and changing the ones that aren’t

I Can't Do This

This is a continuation of my previous post "Who am I as a COACH?"

I’ve come to realize that there is this programming within my mind of believing and perceiving myself to be disempowered in relation to the mind. That I am just unable and incapable of really moving and directing and changing particular points, that ‘I just can’t do it’. That when it comes to fears and emotions, but mostly the thoughts connected with them, I feel quite disempowered and incapable.

And it seems that mostly what my problem is and has been, is that I kind of expect myself to ‘easily’ transcend or ‘let go’ of these sort of mind points, and then I get frustrated with myself and go into a ‘giving up’ and a sort of ‘laziness’ when it doesn’t seem to be that easy, telling myself that ‘I guess I just can’t do it’. When there is ‘something else’ blocking me and getting in my way, as this ‘wall’ that I keep bumping into. Something that seems to be a bit more ‘stubborn’ or more ‘ingrained’ within me in some way.

A ‘deeper design’ which, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve actually for the most part been suppressing and hiding from myself. So this ‘I can’t do this’-programming is more a consequence of my expectation to sort of be ‘perfect’. Not really recognizing or realizing that when it comes to the mind, sometimes it just takes a little bit of a process to sort of ‘unearth’ a programming. To really understand it in a way that supports me to actually transcend it. I mean especially when it comes to these kind of things that I’ve been suppressing my entire life. Stuff that exist on an unconscious or deeper level.

Cause the thing is, that when I go into this ‘I can’t do this’-programming, I end up going into and developing coping mechanisms wherein I try to escape and hide from all the fears and the thoughts and the experiences that I now believe I cannot change or transcend and am disempowered by. And that’s where I REALLY make myself stagnate and become ‘stuck’.

While, the solution is really just a simple ‘shift’ in perspective. From EXPECTING myself to ‘just transcend the points already’ and ‘be perfect’, to TRUSTING that, with the proper tools – like self-forgiveness and living words – I can do it. It may not be immediate and it may take me a bit of time to really investigate and understand and find the point of ‘direction’, but as long as I apply myself and apply my tools, I will get there.

AND to also be careful to not allow myself to go into those coping mechanisms, and be more aware of when and how I have a tendency to go into them as that’s the real trap of disempowerment. And be more aware of, when the coping mechanisms do come up, where they’re actually coming from as the ‘I can’t do this’-programming, and correct myself in those moments – moving from EXPECTATION to SELF-TRUST.