To be Present

This is a continuation of the previous post "To be Truly Self-Honest"

So what matters and what is real is 'space and time' as the physical reality. And I have come to realize that I have been telling myself lots of lies about 'who I am', like thinking and believing that I am humble and self-honest, and have therein lost sight of who I actually am in reality.

Where, when it came to the actual reality of myself, I realized that I am in fact the opposite and the reverse of how I've been defining myself. That in fact, every thought I had about 'who I am' in my mind, was to just hide and veil a reality of myself that I didn't want to face or see.

I didn't want to see or realize for instance that when it comes to reality, I suppress myself extensively. I go into so many coping- and escape-mechanisms that I end up not really 'living'. Not really expressing myself in my world and reality. Not actually 'doing' much. Not pushing my boudaries, putting myself out there, taking risks and stepping outside of my comfort zone.

Having definitions in my mind about 'who I am' very much provides me with a comfort zone wherein I can think and believe that 'I am alive', while not actually truly living. If it wasn't for the thoughts in my head I would have had to face the 'real shit' of myself, which is that I have chosen to be 'comfortably numb'. I have chosen to be limited, unaware, secluded and apathetic.

So in other words, as long as you have any thoughts in your head about yourself, you are not being truly self-honest. You can be sure to know that you are busy fooling yourself and you should look into how you're actually living the reverse of what you think of yourself. Such is the game that the ego of the mind plays.

In the ego of the mind, things are more 'positive'. Things are 'fine' and 'good' and 'Okay'. In reality, shit is constantly hitting the fan. In reality, things are not 'fine'. Things are not 'good as they are'. And they sure as hell aren't 'positive'. And in fact, the more 'positive' you perceive yourself, the more you actually know deep down that the reality of yourself is something so horrible you just don't ever want to face it.

The positive has a numbing effect. It makes you in a way sink back into a lazy couch inside of yourself. It gives the perception that 'everything's fine', 'don't worry', 'you're doing great the way you are'. Whereas in reality, there is actually a constant sense of urgency. A sense and realization that in fact it's 'not okay' and it's 'not fine' to just 'sit back, relax and smell the flowers'. That in fact you need to get moving and be aware and alert and present in every moment of breath. You cannot miss a beat!

You have to constantly push and challenge yourself and motivate yourself to step outside of your comfort zone and stay present and aware. If you don't have that sense of urgency in walking your process, then you're existing in a comfort zone. Then you're giving your power away to positivity in the mind and are choosing to be 'comfortably numb'.