To be truly Self-Honest

This is a continuation from the previous post "How is Blame a Laziness of Self?"

I mean imagine, taking responsibility for E-VER-Y-THING. Meaning, NOTHING is 'someone else's fault or responsibility'. It's all on YOU. Even when someone else is reacting, it's on YOU. If someone else is reacting in some way, it's cause YOU dropped the ball somewhere.

It's the kind of responsibility you don't really want to accept. Cause it means facing and owning up to ALL the moments that you dropped the ball. All the moments you weren't aware, didn't take responsibility and weren't self-honest. Not only that, but mostly also facing the consequences from not having been aware. Because, time and space waits for no one.

It's easy to excuse and justify why you didn't take responsibility for something with, "But, I wasn't aware." But at the end of the day not being aware isn't really an excuse because, well, you should have made sure you were aware. You should have pushed and challenged and motivated yourself to become aware of yourself and your reality so that certain consequences wouldn't play out.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I've always had a tendency to be lazy. Not only that, I've also had a tendency to manipulate myself very cleverly to justify that laziness. To end up feeling and believing that what was actually just plain laziness and resistance to put effort into things and push myself, was because I was victimized or because someone else was to blame or because somehow I just wasn't really responsible.

This laziness was able to exist within and as me simply because I was not aware of it. But all the same it made me miss opportunities and waste time and by the time that I did become aware of it, it was almost 'too late'. I could have gone on wasting my entire life and at the end when I would have realized that I squandered every opportunity I ever had, not an excuse or justification in the world would have mattered. What would have mattered is that I simply did not use the time and space that was available to me, and the regret and shame I would have faced would have been insurmountable.

That tendency for self-manipulation and laziness as a form of 'giving up of myself' isn't 'who I really am'. It's something I developed as a 'coping mechanism' to things that I faced when I was younger. Yet even that is not an 'excuse' or 'justification' for it cause at the end of the day what matters is the physical reality wherein I am accountable for my actions or lack thereof.