The WARRIOR Programming

This is a continuation of my previous post "Becoming aware of my ANGER"


I mean I always believed that this point of resistance when I look within myself is who I really am. This huge resistance in relation to myself. Because it has the 'Kim' signature. And a Kim is a Chinese warrior, at least that's what I read in a dictionary at some point. And because it had the 'Kim' signature on it I thought 'oh it must be me, cause I'm Kim'. And so accepted the programming as 'who I really am. And never considered that even my name is a programming and that thus anything with my name's signature on it is thus also a programming.

It's actually a sort of resistance to 'desires' or even pleasure and enjoyment. That's why I resist sex and masturbation. I am very good at denying myself things. But I am not good at giving myself things. Because anytime I try to 'open up' and access a point of pleasure or enjoyment or even desire, during sex for instance, there's just this 'programming' inside of me that keeps saying "No! This is not for me!" The programming of the warrior, who believes that their purpose is to fight so that other people may experience pleasure and enjoyment and desires. Where I feel as though I am abandoning my purpose if I were to allow myself to 'indulge' in desires/pleasure/enjoyment. Like I'm 'abandoning my post'. Cause I'm supposed to be the one who stands guard. I'm supposed to be the one who lays down their own life for the sake of others. So therefore, indulging in pleasure/enjoyment/desire would be dishonorable. As in me dishonoring my 'purpose' and that which gives my life and existence 'meaning'.

And for a warrior, 'honor' is a big thing. They live by it. If it wasn't for this 'honor' point, they wouldn't be warriors. They wouldn't have accepted the role of 'warrior'. And I mean sure, honor is pretty cool. It's basically the principle of 'doing what's necessary to be done'. But I mean... There's nothing truly 'honorable' about why and how this 'honor' has been used. In terms of why it is that warriors throughout history laid down their lives. It was all for meaningless wars and conflicts and just humans fighting over self-interest and ego. There was never anything honorable about that because it never honored life. And now here we are. With all those warriors throughout history waging all those wars in the name of 'honor' - and yet we find ourselves in the most dishonorable existence imaginable.

All because one key element was missing within 'honor': self-responsibility. Honor without asking questions about what you are doing and why is useless. If honor means to kill and murder and destroy and fight others, and die in the process, then what are you really doing? Then what kind of world and reality are you even really fighting and dying for and what does it all really mean? You don't honor life through killing and destroying and fighting. You honor life by living it. By celebrating and enjoying it, and making sure that you are living in such a way which ensures that all life-forms are able to celebrate and enjoy life. It's pretty much the principle of 'make love, not war'. Those damn hippies were on to something.





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Fighting for Righteousness

This is a continuation of my previous post "My Mind, My Savior"

A righteous warrior. It's a sort of self-deceptive starting point that tends to 'sneak in', with regards to walking process specifically. It's like a 'fighting for self-honesty' lol, because on some level you know you're actually self-dishonest. On some level there are things you don't actually want to be honest about, so you turn 'self-honesty' into a 'crusade'.

In a way it's been the starting point of these blogs I've been writing. Almost like a tendency to want to place my focus on 'all the things I'm doing' that 'prove' my 'righteousness', rather than focusing on ACTUALLY being SELF-honest. Focusing more on my SELF than the 'image' of me as 'righteous'.

It's like the crusaders who went out to do deeds and wage wars and perform quests in the name of spiritual righteousness. So they would be the ones to ALWAYS be 'right'. They could never be 'questioned' because they 'walk the path' the loudest and the brightest of all. Waging a 'holy war' with them being on the 'winning side'. The side of 'good'.

But it needs to be asked 'why?' Why the 'intensity'? Why the 'absoluteness'? Why the 'fight'? Why so loud? What are the things you're suppressing and are avoiding to look at? What are you 'fighting' to get away from?

Cause the real reason you're fighting is cause you feel 'small', inferior and insecure. And these are things about you that you're not 'accepting'. And so you fight like a wild animal, protecting and hiding your 'weaknesses'. Trying to convince others to 'respect' you, and not to 'mess with you'. Because you don't want those insecurities to be triggered and you don't want to have to face them. Cause you've on some level decided that this is a part of you that you just cannot transcend. Because in fact, you fear it so completely.

To Earn Your Freedom

This is a continuation from my previous post "There's Something Wrong Here..."

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.

Bernard Poolman

"To admit to yourself that there is a master you are serving." It's to bring the desires you've been holding on to, hiding and suppressing, 'here'. Be real about the fact that, yes, as long as 'who and how you are' is influenced and directed by these desires, you are a slave to it. So, you must stand in that self-honesty. Stand as the slave that you are and have allowed yourself to become.

As how things are right now, you are in the service of these desires. That's all that you are. And if you ever want to be any 'more' than that, you're going to have to start from 'where you're at'. How does a slave break free from its master? By being arrogant and thinking that he's better than a slave? Fat chance. That will just get you in trouble!

It's by keeping your head down, 'playing the system', and 'earning' your freedom. And in the meantime, yes, joining movements and putting in effort to - in a peaceful way - change 'slavery' altogether. Changing the greater system that's creating this 'slave-master' relationship.

But when it comes to changing that direct slave/master relationship, there has to be a humbleness. An 'accepting your place'. As a slave, you don't have any power to just stand up and say "fuck this, I'm outta here!" And, the more you fight, resist and struggle, the more you're going to be shown your place! So, you have to humble yourself 'before your master'. And say, "I will work hard and do what it takes to earn my freedom!"

Because, freedom is something you must be 'granted'. It's not something you can just take. When you try to 'take' it, there's going to be war. And in a way doing it that way is more like a laziness. You just don't want to put the work and effort in. You'll rather just react, act out, throw a tantrum, and expect reality to shape itself according to your wants and needs. With a lot of unnecessary suffering and consequences as a result.

Real freedom is something that you've worked hard for. Something you know you 'deserve' and have 'earned', because of the work that you've put in. Where you've walked a process to prove that you stand equal to your 'master' and that you have now mastered yourself.