To Accept Failure

This is a continuation from my previous post "To Be Different"

To touch back on what I wrote about a few days ago, in terms of the pain in my side and the associated ‘mind-point’ of defining myself as ‘different’. I mean this point of being ‘different’ has in a way been a ‘polarity’ for me throughout my life. In that I felt ‘different’ in a negative way for most of my early childhood, into my teens. I had all these thoughts and beliefs in my mind about myself being ‘good for nothing’, being a ‘failure’, being inferior and less than everybody else. Feeling ‘different’ in terms of ‘less than everyone’. And then into puberty and early adulthood I started to actually make a positive out of the negative, developing a personality design out of being ‘different’ as something that apparently made me ‘special’. Yeah it’s pretty weird, but that’s what I did. And that’s what the mind does lol

Rather than being honest with myself about the fact that I felt NEGATIVE, and so resolving those points within myself, so I don’t end up lost in some illusion of ‘different as special’, where I now just become more separated from the world I exist in. Cause when you start thinking that your ‘difference’ makes you ‘special’, or that ‘different’ means ‘special’, you’re in trouble lol. Cause that means you won’t allow yourself to relate to other beings in a normal way anymore since being ‘different’ is now what makes you feel good about yourself. And it’ll be all the more difficult to get to that point of realness with yourself again as you’ve decided you just don’t want to face the negative within yourself anymore. The REAL reasons you think you’re ‘different’. As in you’re not different cause you’re ‘special’, but because you’re a disappointment, a failure, an inferior being.

And you’ll find that your mind will keep switching between those two polarities as well. Where you’ll feel ‘different as special’ the one moment, and then ‘different as inferior’ the next. And it’s hard to just be ‘stable’, to just be ‘you’, and exist in a place of self-acceptance. Cause, in order to get to that ‘you’, you need to actually face the negative and be honest with yourself that how you REALLY feel and how you REALLY see yourself, is not ‘special’, but rather ‘inferior’. And that if anything, you’ll find that as ‘special’ as you experience yourself, you actually feel EQUALLY as inferior/less than. Cause you’ve been COMPENSATING.

So I had a look at this whole point of ‘oh I’m such a failure’ and ‘I’m so much less than everyone else’ that’s been there for so long within me. Almost as long as I can remember. And I thought, well, I’ve been fighting this point for so long and even created a separate personality programming on top of it just so that I could feel a little better about myself and could ignore and suppress these experiences and beliefs within myself. So, let’s say that I am ‘inferior’, and a ‘failure’. You know, maybe I feel that way for a reason. Maybe I feel that way because I AM a failure. And yes, yes, in this world it’s almost bad to say those things about yourself. Because oh no you mustn’t think like that about yourself. You must like yourself and think positively about yourself and accept yourself no matter what. Surely you are NOT a ‘failure’.

But I mean if I for a moment just take out the energy, as in have it not be a pitiful ‘woe is me, I’m such a failure’, but just look at it in a practical, down-to-earth kind of sense. Then yes I can actually realistically conclude that the EXPERIENCE and the THOUGHTS of ‘I’m such a failure’ were on some level based on an ACTUAL realization of myself being, yes, a failure. As in I was ‘failing’ in a lot of areas of myself. A lot of ways in which I was ‘lacking’. In my social skills for example. In my ability to connect and relate to and work together and communicate with others. I was also lacking in many other skills like math or languages and other things I was being taught in school. Lots of things I wasn’t learning and integrating properly. And yes that made me feel inferior and less than others and like I was a failure. But at the same time, I WAS also failing.

But then instead of turning to myself and going ‘ok well let me see how I can support myself to succeed within these points where I’m failing’, I turned it into a pity-party by attaching a feeling/emotion to the point of ‘failure’. Almost like I was trying to sabotage myself so I wouldn’t simply learn and grow and improve myself. Cause that’s why ‘failure’ exists, to simply show you where you need to be supporting yourself more and which parts of yourself you’ve been neglecting or have not developed properly. But because we’ve accepted this culture of emotional coddling where we’re allergic to seeing our own flaws, accepting or considering ‘failure’ somehow becomes something ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ or even ‘hurtful’. Rather than just a reality which, just like anything, is here for us to learn from and understand so we can change and become the best version of ourselves.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

It's All Already Here

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Internal War of Manipulation"

Seems that I’ve copied this ‘personality design’ or mind programming of rather thinking that, ‘no, it’s NOT all already here’, from my mother. Because, ‘I am not good enough’. A belief in my ‘inferiority’ – and therefore the ‘need’ for me to MAKE SURE that I ‘get what I want/need’. Because, no it’s not just going to fall on my lap and it’s not going to just come to me easily – cause I’m just not pretty enough, or interesting enough for that. I NEED to control and manipulate in order to get and have what I want and need.

I mean I have believed that my entire life, when it comes to males. That, I’m just not pretty enough and I’m just not interesting enough, so no male would really WANT me necessarily. So I need to put in extra work somehow. Can’t just expect them to come flocking or even stick around for too long. So there’s always a point of ‘doubt’. Like when Paul showed interest in me and we hooked up and got into a relationship. There was always a doubt in the back of my mind. A doubt that it would last long. A doubt that he is really that interested in me, that he really wants to be with me. Because of that mantra in the back of my mind that ‘I am just not good enough’. I’m just not that pretty and just not that attractive. That basically there’s no way he’d be ‘naturally’ attracted to me. Like, to who I ‘naturally’ am.  There’s just so many ‘shortcomings’ that I have. My ‘genes’ are just not that good. So I guess there’s just not a lot of confidence in myself.

Cause I mean yeah my mom was like a really tall girl and tended to be also a bit ‘clunky’, like not necessarily a slender supermodel body, but more a ‘towering giant’ body. She had really thin hair and a round face and a big nose, and a dead grey tooth right at the front. So to her that felt like her ‘beauty’ – her ‘be-you-ty’ was ‘diminished’. That who she was inside, as her ‘be-you-ty’, was ‘diminished’. Because, oh look at all of these ‘flaws’ and these ‘shortcomings’ in terms of how ‘beauty’ is defined in this world.

And I also had those kind of qualities. I was taller than the other girls. I had a really long face and a bigger nose and my teeth were a bit crooked. So I assumed that ‘I am not beautiful’ – that I am ‘less me’ lol because of these specific ‘traits’ that I don’t have on an external level. And so I then separated myself from who I am ‘naturally’. Within the BELIEF that ‘I am not be-you-ti-full’. And it’s also not just from what I developed in this lifetime, or even what I copied from my mother. This kind of ‘acceptance of inferiority’ and ‘diminishment of self’ goes back through my generational lineage. It was already in my mind and body when I was born. All already downloaded within and as me. I was PREPROGRAMMED to be ‘inferior’.

All the points of self-diminishment and self-suppression that have been over time accepted and allowed throughout the generations that have gone before me, manifested in my mind and body – like a blueprint that I would just grow into, while on top of that then also developing my own points of self-diminishment. Because yes as they say, who you are inside will ‘shine through’ and that your ‘inner beauty’ will radiate into your ‘outer beauty’. And when ‘who you are’ on the inside is compromised, within and through the mind, the ‘outer you’ will also be. So then you have to walk a process of correcting all the accepted and allowed points of compromise. Correct the inner ‘you’, if you want to be ‘be-you-ti-full’.

www.desteni.org
www.destonians.com
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.eqafe.com

Fighting for Righteousness

This is a continuation of my previous post "My Mind, My Savior"

A righteous warrior. It's a sort of self-deceptive starting point that tends to 'sneak in', with regards to walking process specifically. It's like a 'fighting for self-honesty' lol, because on some level you know you're actually self-dishonest. On some level there are things you don't actually want to be honest about, so you turn 'self-honesty' into a 'crusade'.

In a way it's been the starting point of these blogs I've been writing. Almost like a tendency to want to place my focus on 'all the things I'm doing' that 'prove' my 'righteousness', rather than focusing on ACTUALLY being SELF-honest. Focusing more on my SELF than the 'image' of me as 'righteous'.

It's like the crusaders who went out to do deeds and wage wars and perform quests in the name of spiritual righteousness. So they would be the ones to ALWAYS be 'right'. They could never be 'questioned' because they 'walk the path' the loudest and the brightest of all. Waging a 'holy war' with them being on the 'winning side'. The side of 'good'.

But it needs to be asked 'why?' Why the 'intensity'? Why the 'absoluteness'? Why the 'fight'? Why so loud? What are the things you're suppressing and are avoiding to look at? What are you 'fighting' to get away from?

Cause the real reason you're fighting is cause you feel 'small', inferior and insecure. And these are things about you that you're not 'accepting'. And so you fight like a wild animal, protecting and hiding your 'weaknesses'. Trying to convince others to 'respect' you, and not to 'mess with you'. Because you don't want those insecurities to be triggered and you don't want to have to face them. Cause you've on some level decided that this is a part of you that you just cannot transcend. Because in fact, you fear it so completely.

To know, "I am Awesome"

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Potential Me vs the Actual Me"

So the solution to having an obsession with 'self-glorification' is to basically just 'know' that 'I am awesome'. Like, stop looking for 'glorification' and just know that 'you are glorious'. Make peace with it and just accept it already lol.

Especially if you're walking process. You're basically walking towards 'glory'. As in, you are walking a process of self-perfection so that means that you're going to be 'awesome' and 'amazing' and 'the best' and 'superior'. So just make peace with it already. Then you can get that out of the way and stop wasting time looking for recognition, admiration and 'awe'. Just know, "I am awesome".

I mean you can't walk a process of self-change, self-realization and self-perfection WITHOUT becoming AMAZING. Becoming the person that you would look up to and respect and be in awe of. What else does 'self-perfection' mean if not to just be the absolute 'best' that you or any being can possibly be. So don't be 'bashful' or 'modest' about it. Just be real about it, accept it, and move on.

A desire for glorification or recognition can only exist in the mind, because it's like a part of you knows that you are actually 'limited' and 'inferior' and so not actually all that 'amazing' or 'awesome'. But when you ARE 'awesome' in fact, then it's just a 'knowing' - that like, 'yes, I'm pretty awesome'. But at the same time it also doesn't 'mean' anything. It's not a 'big deal'. It's just 'reality'. I don't need the 'recognition' or 'confirmation', 'validation' or 'admiration', cause it's already 'here'.

So it's kind of like, if you want to change yourself, you have to sort of accept that you're already there. That you're already the change that you want to be. Cause it's almost like we approach the 'change' from an 'inferior' starting point. Like going, "wouldn't it be great if I was like this or like that?!" But then actually staying within that point of 'inferiority' instead of embracing the change that you actually want to be.

Cause like, who or what do I actually want to be? Don't I want to be 'awesome' and 'amazing', in terms of for example showing human beings what is possible and being a living example of what we can achieve as beings and what it means to truly 'live'? And, don't I within that, want to be supportive in a way that is truly awe-some, as in that brings people to tears because they can for the first time truly see their potential and see a way through all the shit? So don't I then have to accept myself in and as that point? accepting that, yes, I am 'awesome', and I am supportive and I am a 'leader' and a 'living example'. Then I need to accept that I am 'more' than a 'human'. But that is just the 'reality'. It is the physical, practical reality, in terms of how I am living and who and how i am in my physical living. So, it isn't just 'thoughts' and energies in the mind. It's just a 'reality'.

Like, I am only 'awesome' and 'amazing', in the same way that nature already is. And, I've never considered that to be a 'big deal'. I've just found it to be 'natural'. And yet, nature is actually a lot more 'amazing' and 'awesome' than human beings. Nature actually exists according to principles and what is best for all.

To be Self-Honest

So how about we just assume that I have 'failed'? Because, this 'fear of failing' point is really the one thing that makes me go into ego.  As I then go and compare myself to others and then within that comparison there is always going to be a 'winner' and a 'loser' and I am always going to want to be the 'winner' and fear of being the 'loser'. And I mean it's to basically just not go into comparison at all.

To just be honest with me. Comparison must not exist within me at all anymore. Because what comparison then also does is it makes me doubt myself. Because, oh well other people don't seem to be doing what I'm doing so what if I'm 'wrong'. Cause it brings in this dimension of fear of being 'wrong', fear of being 'laughed at' and 'mocked' because oh look at Kim what is she doing. She's clearly not where we are and she's still there while we are over here. And omg haha Kim is such a loser.

So it just makes me doubt myself in what I'm doing. In my self-honesty. Cause now basically I am afraid of being self-honest cause well what if my self-honesty is - in comparison with others - not good enough? What if my self-honesty is inferior to others' self-honesty? What if I go and be honest about whats actually going on within myself, what actually exists within me, and the things that I'm really looking at inside of myself - and it turns out that 'wow', you know, I'm actually so much more deceptive and dishonest than others. Or, that all this stuff, others already walked through a long time ago, and here I am still sort of wading through this shit. Like, really what am I doing? Am I really THIS slow? THIS incompetent?

But then, that's self-honesty isn't it? It ain't pretty, but it's what's here. And what does it matter how it 'compares'? If you're really self-honest, then you don't care about that. Then the whole world can see 'who you are', all of you, and you will just stand.