The WARRIOR Programming

This is a continuation of my previous post "Becoming aware of my ANGER"


I mean I always believed that this point of resistance when I look within myself is who I really am. This huge resistance in relation to myself. Because it has the 'Kim' signature. And a Kim is a Chinese warrior, at least that's what I read in a dictionary at some point. And because it had the 'Kim' signature on it I thought 'oh it must be me, cause I'm Kim'. And so accepted the programming as 'who I really am. And never considered that even my name is a programming and that thus anything with my name's signature on it is thus also a programming.

It's actually a sort of resistance to 'desires' or even pleasure and enjoyment. That's why I resist sex and masturbation. I am very good at denying myself things. But I am not good at giving myself things. Because anytime I try to 'open up' and access a point of pleasure or enjoyment or even desire, during sex for instance, there's just this 'programming' inside of me that keeps saying "No! This is not for me!" The programming of the warrior, who believes that their purpose is to fight so that other people may experience pleasure and enjoyment and desires. Where I feel as though I am abandoning my purpose if I were to allow myself to 'indulge' in desires/pleasure/enjoyment. Like I'm 'abandoning my post'. Cause I'm supposed to be the one who stands guard. I'm supposed to be the one who lays down their own life for the sake of others. So therefore, indulging in pleasure/enjoyment/desire would be dishonorable. As in me dishonoring my 'purpose' and that which gives my life and existence 'meaning'.

And for a warrior, 'honor' is a big thing. They live by it. If it wasn't for this 'honor' point, they wouldn't be warriors. They wouldn't have accepted the role of 'warrior'. And I mean sure, honor is pretty cool. It's basically the principle of 'doing what's necessary to be done'. But I mean... There's nothing truly 'honorable' about why and how this 'honor' has been used. In terms of why it is that warriors throughout history laid down their lives. It was all for meaningless wars and conflicts and just humans fighting over self-interest and ego. There was never anything honorable about that because it never honored life. And now here we are. With all those warriors throughout history waging all those wars in the name of 'honor' - and yet we find ourselves in the most dishonorable existence imaginable.

All because one key element was missing within 'honor': self-responsibility. Honor without asking questions about what you are doing and why is useless. If honor means to kill and murder and destroy and fight others, and die in the process, then what are you really doing? Then what kind of world and reality are you even really fighting and dying for and what does it all really mean? You don't honor life through killing and destroying and fighting. You honor life by living it. By celebrating and enjoying it, and making sure that you are living in such a way which ensures that all life-forms are able to celebrate and enjoy life. It's pretty much the principle of 'make love, not war'. Those damn hippies were on to something.





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The Imprisoned Self-Awareness

This is a continuation of my previous post "Overwhelmed with Self-Judgment"

What does it mean to be aware? I’m starting to realize that what I always thought was ‘awareness’, was really just FEAR. Fear of the things that I see with my eyes as what exists in this world and reality. What I believed was ‘awareness’ was actually more ‘memories’. Pictures and images in my mind, connected with fear, as constant ‘reminders’ of the apparent world and reality that I exist in. Confusing awareness with ‘knowing’, as knowledge and information, which is ALWAYS connected with emotion.

So I was never actually ‘aware’. I was just existing in massive amounts of fear. And I was trusting the mind, as the very thing that was placing me in that prison of fear, to make me ‘aware’ of the reality I exist in through knowledge and information. Which was more like a constant ‘reminder’ that I should exist in FEAR and that basically ‘reality = fear’.

While really, meanwhile, my actual SELF-awareness was suppressed. The self-awareness as in just the point of being ‘here’ and realizing ‘I am here’. The only awareness that’s real. That just gets locked away somewhere. Deemed ‘unimportant’. And ‘awareness’ gets hijacked by the mind by defining it within survival as fear. Where, to be ‘aware’ basically means that you must always fear your reality. You must always be on ‘high alert’, ready to protect and defend yourself against a possible attack. Like in the military, where you learn to fear your environment and use fear and adrenaline to survive.

I mean, the mind really is like you’re being programmed as a ‘soldier’. To never be relaxed and never ‘let go’. Never ‘let your guard down’. Always be on top of everything, always know what’s going on, always be ready to fight and always expect an attack. And above all, SURVIVE! And ‘awareness’ is just a tool within that fight for survival. Cause those who are the most ‘aware’, are the most ‘prepared’. I mean this is really some primitive programming. Like prehistoric, caveman type programming. But then, that’s the unconscious mind.

And I may never have been consciously aware of it, because I’ve lived a life of privilege wherein I was able to pretend as though survival isn’t something I need to worry about. But for plenty of beings in this reality, this is their conscious experience. Because we live in a world of inequality. Wherein some get to live in the future, while others still exist in the dark ages, or prehistoric times. It’s all still here.