Friday, June 19, 2020

Am I Being Laughed at?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Never Forget Your Programming"

So this is one of those ‘reoccurring’ patterns that actually rears its head only every so often, to basically remind me of what still exists within me. This pattern of ‘feeling laughed at’. Like when you can’t say for certain but you have this distinct feeling all of a sudden that people were talking about you in a ‘mocking’ kind of way, and where you were feeling ‘confident’ and comfortable with yourself, suddenly now you feel this pang of insecurity and uncertainty. And I’ve found that it’s tempting to then go and feel ‘hurt’ and then get angry at those that ‘made you feel insecure about yourself’.

But what I realized is that I’ve never actually really looked into this point further. Because, while I can go and feel like the victim, I also realize when I’m honest with myself that I myself do sometimes and at least have in the past participated in sometimes that ‘outright’ type of mockery that’s borderline ‘bullying’. The ‘laughing at’ someone ‘behind their back’ , typically in the context of a group of people. So rather than getting stuck in the reactions of victimization and blame, I can support myself to learn what exactly is going on within and as this programming.

When I look at ‘why’ I used to ‘laugh at’ and ‘mock’ others when I was younger, it was because I was seeing ‘weaknesses’ in them. And when I look at what I am being ‘laughed at’ and ‘mocked’ for, it is also my ‘weaknesses’. Those weaknesses that are visible. So when we laugh at each other, we are picking at each other’s weaknesses. Judging them, bullying them. Essentially saying, ‘you should not be having any weaknesses’. ‘It’s bad to have weaknesses’. And I suppose it’s those that don’t want to be honest with themselves about their own weaknesses that will then go and attack another for theirs  through mockery/bullying.

Cause we all have weaknesses and flaws. And we are equal in that. So if you are ‘mocking’ another for their weaknesses or if mockery influences you, then perhaps that’s just showing you that you’re not being honest with yourself or comfortable with your weaknesses, and with ‘weakness’ in general. And I mean I certainly have never been lol. And so obviously ‘being mocked’ was quite an ‘issue’ for me, as in quite a fear that I’ve always had. As I existed in so much suppression and denial, and judgment, of my own weaknesses.  As in all my fears and insecurities and anxieties and all the patterns I’m living as coping mechanisms or consequential outflows of those fears. Not being honest with myself that yes inside myself I am quite a fearful individual. Quite a ‘weak’ individual. And that yes because of that, I have ‘flaws’ that are ‘visible’ in my expression and behavior. Quite a few patterns that I live and have developed throughout my life wherein it shows that I’m not entirely ‘here’. Not entirely aware of my environment and maybe a bit gullible and kind of living in my own little world.

And in those moments where I feel and perceive I’m being ‘mocked’, I suddenly become aware of the visibility of these weaknesses that I am living, and of the fact that those weaknesses is something that isn’t necessarily ‘accepted’ in this world. Or rather not accepted by the mind. Or rather, that I have never accepted about myself. More seeing weaknesses as something that needs to be hidden and suppressed and never ever shown. That ‘other people MUST NOT EVER see my weaknesses’. In other words, people must not ever see the actual extent of fears that exist within me. Just how weak I actually feel and experience myself inside. MUST…KEEP…IT…TOGETHER!

So being laughed at and mocked has really only been an issue because I did not accept myself. I did not accept that yes I am ‘flawed’, and yes I have weaknesses. That any ‘strength’ or ‘confidence’ is really just pretence and suppression of what’s really going on. It’s a bubble that can easily be popped. And does get popped lol, every time I get ‘mocked’.

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