This is a continuation of my previous post "To Make Mistakes"
There’s been this interesting ‘point’ that’s come up in me
lately and that seems entirely something ‘new’ to me. It’s a point of like a
sense of ‘romance’ or ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, but not exactly in terms of
feelings. More like a particular expression. Or like a ‘movement’ to want to
explore and define and live these words. In fact I’m seeing that on a deeper
level there is this ‘yearning’ for it. Cause it’s almost like everything in my
life and life-experience has always been the opposite of these words. Even with
being in a relationship, I’ve never allowed myself to access any form of ‘romance’
or ‘love’. In fact my relationships have always been quite conflicted lol.
Where I would more just stir up conflict in some form than participate in any
positive feelings or experiences.
So that’s why, with this ‘expression’ of ‘romance’ coming up
in me, it’s sort of confused me. Where obviously a part of me is also going, ‘but,
romance and love and all that, that’s just mind-stuff so this can’t really be genuine.
It has to be a mind point in some way!’ And sure, it may be. But at the same
time the ‘yearning’ is definitely showing me that I’ve certainly deprived
myself of something quite significant throughout my life. And maybe right now
my mind is interpreting that as ‘romance’ and ‘love’ and is defining it within
preprogrammed definitions that I already have of what those words are.
Cause yes, I mean, I have never ‘loved’ myself. And that is
probably what I am really yearning/looking for here. To ‘love’ myself. To be in
a ‘romantic relationship’ with myself lol. I’ve always very easily bestowed and
given all my ‘love’ to others. Really wanting to give EVERYTHING of myself to
another, to the point that there was nothing left of/for me, as that to me was
what it meant to truly ‘love’. And it’s created a sort of ‘emptiness’ within
me. Being a completely ‘empty’ individual. Because I give everything away. So
now I’m left deeply yearning for real love and romance, for ME.
To have that same ‘unconditional/total/complete giving of
myself’, but for ME. Not for anyone ‘else’. To give up my life/self, for ME.
And give everything, to ME. It’s completely opposite to what I’ve been living
so far so it feels entirely alien to even consider it. Cause I mean, I HAVE to ‘give’ to me, if I
want to be able to let go of my desires and attachments with regards to
relationships with ‘other people’.
Cause a point that’s also been coming up lately is a want to
sort of change and transform my relationship with Paul into an ‘agreement’. In
terms of essentially it being a ‘friendship’. Or like ‘friends with benefits’.
Where, I’m now at a point where I am ‘done’ with this whole relationship
programming within myself, and I am starting to see the solution of agreements
of like just two individuals standing together as like just best friends.
Where, there’s none of that emotional/feeling bullshit going on. There’s just the
supportive qualities that you’d find in a friendship, like equality, sharing,
communication, understanding – with sex as a bonus lol.
And for me, this is a big thing lol. No it’s HUGE.
Considering the extent to which I’ve always had this obsession with ‘relationships’
in my mind, where I wouldn’t even see or consider it a possibility to be ‘just
friends’. It simply did not exist within me, that a male and female in a ‘relationship’
could be ‘friends’, with sex just being a ‘benefit’, but nothing ‘special’.
That you could even have such a ‘relationship’ where there is no
emotional/feeling bullshit. No co-dependence. No manipulation. No deception. No
anxieties or insecurities. No trying or having to be or express yourself in a
particular way. No having to be ‘attractive’ for the other person. No worrying
whether they ‘still like/want you’. No having to go into personality designs
related to being the ‘male’ or ‘female’ in the relationship. No having to ‘fulfill’
some kind of ‘role’. No mutual blame or expectations. No resentments. No
suppressed anger or reactions. But where each individual stands alone within
self-responsibility, and both just ‘stand together’.
So it’s cool, that it’s opening up for me. Just need to now
walk this, SLOWLY but SURELY, into creation. Learning to more create a
relationship with ME rather than with another person. And be able to ‘let go’
of the other person, just like how you would within a friendship. Where you can
just let the other person BE lol and there’s not that intense ‘attachment’.
There’s just a realization and understanding that you don’t NEED each other,
but you do enjoy each other’s company. And it doesn’t have to be more than
that.
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