This is a continuation of my previous post "Putting my Foot Down"
Since a few years now I’ve had this ‘point’ on the tip of my left index finger. It was at some point a wound that healed and formed scar tissue. And I’ve found myself often sort of picking at the hardened tissue as just an automatic thing that I do and never though much of.
But I actually realized that it’s connected to a specific ‘programming’ that I access every time I pick at it. A programming of ‘inner emptiness’. It’s basically just this experience of emptiness within myself. Emptiness, loneliness, separation, isolation and disconnection. And I’m finding myself picking at it when I am around people, and so what I am doing is essentially everytime I do that, subconsciously accessing and bringing up all these experiences within myself to remind myself that 'who I am' is 'empty, alone, separated, isolated and disconnected'.
I mean it's really just another 'programming' of the mind to make sure that I never 'forget' my programming. My programming being that of self-suppression. So to make sure I never 'step out of' or realize myself as not actually being this programming of self-suppression, the mind has these 'fail-safes' in place. Just these little sort of 'traps', as 'habits' that seem 'innocent' but they're really not when looked into closely.
In fact, when you look closely, you go "holy shit". Cause you realize your own mind is duping you. It feels like such a betrayal lol. Like, my OWN MIND?!! And you realize you can't even trust your 'own mind'. That it is designed to basically be your enemy, to trick you and dupe you and sabotage you every step of the way.