The road of the least resistance

This is a continuation of my previous blog post "It's All Already Here"


My relationship or rather reaction with the mind has always been conflictual. In that, I always REACT when anything comes up in terms of thoughts, emotions and feelings. And within that reaction I define myself within and as whatever it is that comes up, and also sort of make it worse.

So, I BATTLE the mind. And in a way I try to DOMINATE it. I try to suppress it and push it back/down. Because I believe that it is 'me'. And when, obviously with pretty much every thought and emotion/feeling that comes up, I see and realize that 'this is not my best potential', I go, "Noooooo!! This isn't the real me! This can't be the real me!!" And within that reaction of panic/fear, my reaction is to then fight back and try to suppress/dominate.

Rather than ACTUALLY realizing that 'this is not the real me'. Not within a reaction/judgment/fear. But a simple REALIZATION and UNDERSTANDING that, 'thoughts, emotions and feelings are not the real me'. And that, even though it seems 'intuitive' to resist, I actually must take the path of the least resistance. To allow these thoughts/emotions/feelings - whatever comes up - to move THROUGH me. Where I 'give way' to it. And I basically say "I'm not going to fight you". "No matter what you do, I will not resist you."

Maybe that is the living of forGIVEness. To have that 'give'. That bendability, flexibility, pliability. Of knowing that yes where I may bend and 'give way', I am never 'broken'. That I cannot 'break'. That no matter what happens, and no matter what I 'give way' to, no matter how 'overwhelming' and 'crushing' and 'threatening' it may appear, I will not actually disappear. That it may for a moment seem like I do when I don't put up that resistance and when I allow it to just sort of 'wash over me'. But I'll come out on the other side, with a greater connection to myself.

The way I have always lived is to actually take the road of the MOST resistance. To ALWAYS put up a fight. As a way of DEFENDING myself. Cause it's always felt like, if I don't, then that 'openness' and 'bendability'/flexibility/pliability will be 'dominated' and pushed down and suppressed. That there is ABUSE that will take place. And so that 'fighting' and 'resistance' has always felt like a very 'intuitive' response. A response of 'self-preservation'.

Because, there WAS abuse that took place. Yet, it was not understood as 'abuse' at the time. I did not 'stand' within me as a being, seeing and understanding and realizing what is going on in reality. Seeing and realizing how those beings in my life whom I trusted the most, were the most untrustworthy. Seeing and realizing how they existed within and as their mind, and seeing/realizing why they were who and how they were.

I rather 'trusted'. And then that trust was 'violated'. And then I felt 'violated'. Yet could never put my finger on why or how exactly I felt that way deep inside. Cause my 'self-preservation' response would not allow me to consider accessing that which had 'caused' me to become so 'violated' and that which would thus just make me go through the trauma all over again. I mean, how could I EVER, after what had happened to me, perceive who/how I was as flexible/pliable/bendable to be a 'good' thing?

Where rather, I should have realized that it wasn't that flexibility/pliability/bendability that was the problem. The problem was how it had been abused. It's the classic case of the trauma victim blaming themselves for what happened to them, while it's clear that obviously the abuse itself is the problem. BUT, a side that's also missed however, is how as a victim of trauma you are responsible. SO, how exactly are you as a trauma victim responsible for what happened to you??

What your reality was showing you, through the 'trauma', was things which you on a deep beingness level never wanted to take responsibility for. Things which you never wanted to realize or see or consider. Yet, things that do exist. You suffered at the hands of the things you were not willing to see, so that reality would show you how delusional you are.

Throughout my existence as a being, I tried to hold on to my 'innocence'. And would not consider 'abuse' to exist within me. Which, in a way, is 'cool'. But it also meant that I would not take responsibility for the abuse that DOES exist within reality. Thus, I would become a VICTIM of it, and so would in fact contribute to the cycle of abuse within existence. Because, even when abuse does not exist in and as you, you are still responsible for its existence. You're still responsible to DIRECT it. You can't just put blinders on and choose to just not see the things that happen to not exist in you. YOU have to still be a 'voice of change'. A voice of 'ENOUGH'.

Being a victim is NOT a solution, cause you're just allowing the abuse to still go on. You're just saying 'I'm not responsible'. But so what if you're 'not responsible'? How can you say that choosing to not see the things that are actually unacceptable isn't your part and responsibility in allowing those things to keep on existing? The abuse that happened to you, happened to you because you ALLOWED it to exist by saying 'I'm not responsible'. You never stood up as a being as a statement of 'THIS ENDS HERE'.

In a way you were the eternal 'child'. And never stepped into a point of 'maturity', where you are able to take responsibility for things that you aren't necessarily directly 'responsible for'. Where it doesn't even matter what is who's 'fault' per se, and who is doing what, because you stand as a point of 'responsibility' to direct it all. You are the 'parent' taking responsibility for reality. So no matter the abuse that exists, you consider yourself to be responsible to find effective ways to stop the abuse. You become the principle of what you will accept and allow within and as reality, and what is simply UNACCEPTABLE.

And if anything, it's those who most victimize themselves to the abuse, that need to stand up. Because it's us who are the ones that will not allow abuse to exist. We do not allow it to exist within and as ourselves, so why have we been accepting and allowing it within reality?? It's us who need to become the 'parent' and no longer just stand idly by, watching the abuse happen, believing that somehow we're doing 'enough' as long as we try to just hold on to our own innocence. Because if you do not stand up and say STOP, it will never stop. It will continue to be accepted and allowed, throughout cycles and cycles of it. Because you are not stepping in to say 'NO, THIS IS NOT OK' and you are not being the parent you are supposed to be. And not realizing that those who deliberately abuse, will not simply stop and change. They won't suddenly 'realize what they're doing' and realize they need to change. DIRECTION is needed within reality, and it's those who realize what is going on who need to find ways to stand as the DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE.




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The Harm and Damage Energy does to the Body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when it comes to process and the mind, i am pretty much fucked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that i fucked up pretty badly in my process and that probably on a beingness level I'm just completely fucked because my mind is just so fucked and that there is no 'hope' for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for hope because i've defined myself as hopeless inside and within and as the emotion of despair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the emotion of despair and hopelessness and to therefore constantly be looking for 'hope' but never finding it and always ending up feeling like i'm actually fucked - instead of just stepping out of that polarity altogether and seeing and realizing and understanding that at the end of the day it's just another excuse to participate in energy and to mine energy within and from the body - as life is not about hope or despair, but is simply HERE -- and where i dont need to look for 'grace' or 'forgiveness' or 'heaven' or 'god' because it's all simply HERE, i just need to stop participating in the energy games of hope vs despair

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that really all that goes through my mind is just energy games that i play with myself to mine energy from the body, through creating and going into emotional conflicts -- and that really i just need to learn to relax and be calm and breathe through the energy rather than getting sucked into it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop this personality of just basically very easily 'freaking out' and very easily assuming the 'worst', and then actually create the worst through reacting to intensely with emotions which then just do a lot of damage to the physical body

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the personality design of 'freaking out' very easily and going into intense hightened emotional reactions very easily and quickly with anything happening - instead of being calm and relaxed and stable and seeing and realizing and understanding that if anything it's this tendency to 'freak out' emotionally that does the most harm and damage to the physical body and that what the body really needs is just stability and calm and peacefulness

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize and see that the energy i go into and participate in has  and does the most damage to the body and that i just need to make sure that my energy levels are stable and that i dont go into these high intensity reactions of freaking out over things and assuming the worst and going into fear and despair and hopelessness etc - but just realize that these are just mind programs desinged essentially to just generate a whole bunch of energy and that i've come to define myself withina nd as these programs because i've just developed such a strong relationship with energy in the body and because emotional energy is simply the most intense form of energy and goes the deepest into the body

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that i cant be going into these intense emotional reactions within myself because they do a lot of damage to the body

and so i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be more careful and caring with regards to my body in terms of recognizing and realizing the effect that my emotional state and reactions have on the body and the damage that it actually does to the body

and i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to take better care of the body through realizing and seeing and understanding what emotions do to the body and so not just allowing myself to just go into and lose myself in these emotional reactions and experiences that come up - but rather recognizing that it's energy coming from the mind and immediately recognizing and understanding the effect that energy actually has on the body - and so essentially placing the body first, before the mind as energy

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that i have just come to develop a strong and intense relationship connection with energy

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to be more aware of these strong intense bursts of energy within myself that i tend to go into as like a constant sort of 'freaking out' over things, just to generate energy within myself

so i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be more just calm and settled and slowed down within myself, in terms of just reigning in my reactions and not being so quick to freak out and react intensely to things - but more just keeping it steady and slow paced within myself -- realizing and understanding and seeing that it's these intense bursts of reactions that actually cause the most damage and harm within the body -- in terms of those moments where I 'freak out' and sort of make a big deal out of something and go into fear and despair and hopelessness

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be more responsible in relation to my body, in terms of what i actually do to it through going into emotional bursts of reactions -- and to see and realize and understand that at the end of the day what matters most is not so much what i do on an external level but more the energy reactions that I allow myself to participate in within myself as that's what actually does the most damage to the physical reality as the body -- where i need to make sure that I am not just stable and settled and calm on an external level but more so make sure that i am stable settled and calm on an internal level and do not allow myself to just react within energy willy nilly

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that actually what matters most is not so much how i act and behave on a external level but more the energy reactions that i accept and allow within myself as thats what actually does the most harm to the physical reality as the body

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to even see or be aware of the effects that energy actually has and the harm that energy reactions inside of myself actually causes to the physical reality as the body -- and that I can be as calm and stable as i want on an external level in my behavior but if i am not equally calm and settled and stable on an internal level then it makes no difference whatsoever because really the only thing that really matters at the end of the day is who and how i am within myself in relation to the body in terms of the energy reactions that i allow myself to participate in as its energy that does the most harm to the physical reality

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to basically keep tabs on who i am on an internal level, seeing and realizing and understanding that thats at the end of the day what really matters -- whether i am actually calm and stable and settled internally in relation to the body

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that living the word safe haven mostly actually means to be a safe haven internally in relation to the body - in terms of just not allowing any harsh energy reactions

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be a safe haven in relation to the body by not even considering or realizing or recognizing the damage and harm that energy reactions actually have and do to the body


when and as I see myself going into this pattern of 'freaking out' within myself over something, through going into these bursts of reactions of despair and fear and hopelessness - then i stop and i breathe - and i see and realize and understand that these kind of intense emotional energy reactions within myself actually cause the greatest damage and harm to the body

and i see and realize and understand that i cannot just allow myself to go into and lose myself into these kinds of reactions as i am in fact greatly harming the body by doing so

i see and realize and understand that what really actually matters is who i am internally in relation to the body and not so much who i am externally in terms of my behavior and actions - because it's in fact the energy that i participate in and accept within me that does the greatest harm and damage to the physical body

i see and realize and understand that if anything, I need to make sure that I am stable and settled and slowed down and calm on an internal level with regards to my energy reactions- and cannot just allow myself to go into these reactions of 'freaking out' over things as reactions of fear and despair and hopelessness

i see and realize and understand that i have actually created a sort personality around emotionally 'freaking out' over things where i actually go into these really intense bursts of emotional reactions within myself almost constantly over almost everything

i see and realize and understand that i need to basically be more aware of the actual effects on the body of such intense reactions that i allow myself to go into  - and recognize that i need to essentially stop myself from going into them and be overall more careful in terms of what I allow myself to go into and do on an internal level and be more aware and caring with regards to what the effects are on the body

i see and realize and understand that i have never actually been caring in relation to the body in terms of never having realized or considered even what the effects are of energy reactions on the body - as i've always just lost myself within emotions believing that it has no consequences and not even realizing or seeing how emotions as energy are actually mined from the body and that the body is immensely harmed and damaged in the process

i see and realize and understand that i have always believed that what matters most is my external behavior and actions  and never realized or understood that what actually matters is what i do on an internal level in terms of the energy that i allow myself to participate in and how that energy actually harms and effects the body -- as that's what in fact has the most actual impact on the physical reality

I see and realize and understand that in fact the physical body comes first and not the mind as energy -- and that i need to shift my focus from unconditionally going into and losing myself into energy reactions in the mind, to unconditionally caring for and considering the physical body

I commit myself to be settled and calm and slowed down within myself so as to not allow myself to so easily go into and lose myself into these energy reactions of 'freaking out' - and so to be and stay more 'stable' on an internal level and thus not allow myself to harm or damage the body through energy

I commit myself to essentially 'calm down' those energy reactions of 'freaking out' as experiences and reactions and bursts of fear, despair and hoplessness -- and so care more about the body and what i actually do to the body and how the energy that i go into actually affects the body

I commit myself to place the body first in terms of being careful with the energy reactions that i allow myself to go into - and rather considering what that energy does to the body and so placing more of a guard in front of myself with regards to my tendency to just go into energy reactions of 'freaking out'

I can be Evil if I Wanted to

This is a continuation of my previous post "In it but not Of it"

Do you know why there are full-blown 'psychopaths' and 'sociopaths' and 'abusers' in this world? Cause it exists in all of us. And I'm not talking about the 'innocent' stuff, like jealousy, or anger or rage. Which is more like these 'intense emotions' that take us over and, if pushed just a little further over that edge, might drive us to 'murder' someone for example, sure.

I'm talking about the pure 'inhuman', 'incomprehensible' and 'pure evil' type of 'cruelty'. The kind of cruelty that is 'unwarranted'. That's not necessarily fueled by 'emotions' or 'reactions', but is born from purely just the 'ability' to 'do evil'. A point of 'spitefulness' born from our 'freedom' to 'choose'. It's a very 'small', and seemingly 'irrelevant' point within us. But it's there.

I mean it's basically the consequence of not ever having existed in self-responsibility. And if you'd strip us down, that's all that's really left. That 'vile', secret, spiteful energy of 'I can be evil if I wanted to'. 'Free choice'. It's in fact a sort of pure hate  that comes from never having really existed. From the awareness of the extent to which we have abdicated ourselves as beings. Which at this point really is the only thing that's 'real' about us.

It's the awareness deep, deep down, that all we've ever existed as, all we've ever 'been good for' is to just charge these systems that are in fact the opposite of who we really are. So it's like all our compressed shame, anger, disappointment and disempowerment with ourselves channeled into the one point of 'spitefulness'. Sort of like we're saying "can't be my true self, so might as well just be evil". It's the ultimate having 'given up' on ourselves.

And if we can't be honest with ourselves about that point, then we can't possibly be 'real'. Then nothing of what we do or who we believe ourselves to be, is real. If we can't come to grips with how 'fucked' we actually are. And how 'unlikely' it actually is for us to ever be 'life'.

How Honorable are you?

This is a continuation from my previous post "To Love is to be Limited"

And that's why relationships can't be based on 'love'. They have to be an 'agreement'. And an agreement is something you can only make with yourself. I mean, you can 'agree' on something with another person, but at the end of the day you are the one who decides whether it gets honored. So an 'agreement' is really just something wherein you prove how 'honorable' you are.

Where you prove whether you can stop your addictions that cause you to abuse other people and live in a way that is best. And it's in a relationship with another person, where you would live 'love' the most, that the real abusive nature of that 'love' will become apparent, and that you will abuse the most.

It's in a relationship with another person that you will REALLY see yourself - see the real abuse that you've been accepting in the name of 'love'. And where you will then have to make a choice, about 'who you are'. Because when you are standing face to face with you as the 'abuser', you realize that there really is no 'middle way'. You either STOP completely, and be honorable, or you continue lying to yourself and continue hiding the abuse under 'love'.

Because, if you can change yourself in that relationship with that one person, then you can live that change anywhere. Then you will truly have 'changed'. Cause self-change isn't some 'grand' thing that you show to the world. It's something that's actually only real within those closest, most intimate and personal relationships in your reality. Because that's where the 'real you' exists. And where the real you will be 'reflected'.