Relaxation is... To Give Yourself A Break

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN" 

I sometimes find myself… well, “sometimes”, OFTEN lol. I OFTEN find myself sort of thinking about or ‘looking at’ myself. Thinking about ‘my place in the world’ in a way. ‘Who am I?’ And sometimes seeing, well, some ‘tough stuff’. That, in a lot of ways I haven’t been, and am not, who I’ve always believed myself to be. I’m not quite as ‘good’ and ‘innocent’ and ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest’ and what have you, as I tended to believe. It’s the ‘real shit’ in a way. Seeing more of a ‘real’ and honest portrait and representation of myself that’s not at all the image of positivity and good-heartedness I’ve been ‘hiding’ behind for all of my life.

And it can be quite a ‘bottomless pit’ sometimes. A barrel I could just stare down forever and ever. Where it seems as though, there’s just no end to my deception, to the lies, the manipulation, the hiding, the self-compromise.  It’s just a vast wasteland of hopelessness without a speck of ‘light’ so to speak. Something I could sink into and disappear in, and just keep sinking without ever reaching a bottom. And the regret and despair is immense. All of my mistakes, all of my shortcomings, my flaws, all of it. Once you start to really open things up, there’s just a vastness to it.

I mean this sort of ‘vastness’ only really opened up not too long ago, when I started really SEEING the consequences, and my responsibility and contribution to those consequences. Seeing the ACTUAL impact my actions and who I am within them is having on my reality. And seeing ALL the ways I have not been considering reality, but have more been lost within illusions and delusions in my mind. It’s been a shock to say the least, and easy to kind of get lost in, and get sucked into.

But I’ve realized that, at some point, I HAVE TO stop. I have to ‘give myself a break’. Yes it’s vast, and yes I’m sure there’s lots and lots more I’m not yet seeing and not yet considering and yes it’s all ‘pretty bad’. But at some point I need to be like ‘ok, whatever’. And just more focus on correcting and changing myself, than staring down the deep bottomless pit of regret for what I haven’t but should have been living. At the end of the day, what matters is CHANGE. Is that I do what I can with what I’ve got, to change and correct myself. I mean it’s cool to see where and how I’ve compromised myself, and have been ‘lacking’. But if it’s not being used to push myself to change, then it’s kind of useless and a waste of time.

Cause I’ve found that it does create like a point of ‘stress’ within me. Where, I’m not just living and not just ‘here’. I’m more sinking into a pit of all sorts of emotions and so on some level am entertaining the mind, even though yes, seeing something ‘real’. So I’ve learned to ‘relax’ within this point by just not allowing myself to get too swallowed up by the ‘vastness’, but more giving myself a break from it all. Not being defined by it. Cause at the end of the day, it’s still just programming and I decide if it’s going to define me or not.

 

 

 

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The Harm and Damage Energy does to the Body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when it comes to process and the mind, i am pretty much fucked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that i fucked up pretty badly in my process and that probably on a beingness level I'm just completely fucked because my mind is just so fucked and that there is no 'hope' for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for hope because i've defined myself as hopeless inside and within and as the emotion of despair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the emotion of despair and hopelessness and to therefore constantly be looking for 'hope' but never finding it and always ending up feeling like i'm actually fucked - instead of just stepping out of that polarity altogether and seeing and realizing and understanding that at the end of the day it's just another excuse to participate in energy and to mine energy within and from the body - as life is not about hope or despair, but is simply HERE -- and where i dont need to look for 'grace' or 'forgiveness' or 'heaven' or 'god' because it's all simply HERE, i just need to stop participating in the energy games of hope vs despair

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that really all that goes through my mind is just energy games that i play with myself to mine energy from the body, through creating and going into emotional conflicts -- and that really i just need to learn to relax and be calm and breathe through the energy rather than getting sucked into it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop this personality of just basically very easily 'freaking out' and very easily assuming the 'worst', and then actually create the worst through reacting to intensely with emotions which then just do a lot of damage to the physical body

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the personality design of 'freaking out' very easily and going into intense hightened emotional reactions very easily and quickly with anything happening - instead of being calm and relaxed and stable and seeing and realizing and understanding that if anything it's this tendency to 'freak out' emotionally that does the most harm and damage to the physical body and that what the body really needs is just stability and calm and peacefulness

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize and see that the energy i go into and participate in has  and does the most damage to the body and that i just need to make sure that my energy levels are stable and that i dont go into these high intensity reactions of freaking out over things and assuming the worst and going into fear and despair and hopelessness etc - but just realize that these are just mind programs desinged essentially to just generate a whole bunch of energy and that i've come to define myself withina nd as these programs because i've just developed such a strong relationship with energy in the body and because emotional energy is simply the most intense form of energy and goes the deepest into the body

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that i cant be going into these intense emotional reactions within myself because they do a lot of damage to the body

and so i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be more careful and caring with regards to my body in terms of recognizing and realizing the effect that my emotional state and reactions have on the body and the damage that it actually does to the body

and i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to take better care of the body through realizing and seeing and understanding what emotions do to the body and so not just allowing myself to just go into and lose myself in these emotional reactions and experiences that come up - but rather recognizing that it's energy coming from the mind and immediately recognizing and understanding the effect that energy actually has on the body - and so essentially placing the body first, before the mind as energy

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that i have just come to develop a strong and intense relationship connection with energy

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to be more aware of these strong intense bursts of energy within myself that i tend to go into as like a constant sort of 'freaking out' over things, just to generate energy within myself

so i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be more just calm and settled and slowed down within myself, in terms of just reigning in my reactions and not being so quick to freak out and react intensely to things - but more just keeping it steady and slow paced within myself -- realizing and understanding and seeing that it's these intense bursts of reactions that actually cause the most damage and harm within the body -- in terms of those moments where I 'freak out' and sort of make a big deal out of something and go into fear and despair and hopelessness

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be more responsible in relation to my body, in terms of what i actually do to it through going into emotional bursts of reactions -- and to see and realize and understand that at the end of the day what matters most is not so much what i do on an external level but more the energy reactions that I allow myself to participate in within myself as that's what actually does the most damage to the physical reality as the body -- where i need to make sure that I am not just stable and settled and calm on an external level but more so make sure that i am stable settled and calm on an internal level and do not allow myself to just react within energy willy nilly

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that actually what matters most is not so much how i act and behave on a external level but more the energy reactions that i accept and allow within myself as thats what actually does the most harm to the physical reality as the body

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to even see or be aware of the effects that energy actually has and the harm that energy reactions inside of myself actually causes to the physical reality as the body -- and that I can be as calm and stable as i want on an external level in my behavior but if i am not equally calm and settled and stable on an internal level then it makes no difference whatsoever because really the only thing that really matters at the end of the day is who and how i am within myself in relation to the body in terms of the energy reactions that i allow myself to participate in as its energy that does the most harm to the physical reality

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to basically keep tabs on who i am on an internal level, seeing and realizing and understanding that thats at the end of the day what really matters -- whether i am actually calm and stable and settled internally in relation to the body

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that living the word safe haven mostly actually means to be a safe haven internally in relation to the body - in terms of just not allowing any harsh energy reactions

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be a safe haven in relation to the body by not even considering or realizing or recognizing the damage and harm that energy reactions actually have and do to the body


when and as I see myself going into this pattern of 'freaking out' within myself over something, through going into these bursts of reactions of despair and fear and hopelessness - then i stop and i breathe - and i see and realize and understand that these kind of intense emotional energy reactions within myself actually cause the greatest damage and harm to the body

and i see and realize and understand that i cannot just allow myself to go into and lose myself into these kinds of reactions as i am in fact greatly harming the body by doing so

i see and realize and understand that what really actually matters is who i am internally in relation to the body and not so much who i am externally in terms of my behavior and actions - because it's in fact the energy that i participate in and accept within me that does the greatest harm and damage to the physical body

i see and realize and understand that if anything, I need to make sure that I am stable and settled and slowed down and calm on an internal level with regards to my energy reactions- and cannot just allow myself to go into these reactions of 'freaking out' over things as reactions of fear and despair and hopelessness

i see and realize and understand that i have actually created a sort personality around emotionally 'freaking out' over things where i actually go into these really intense bursts of emotional reactions within myself almost constantly over almost everything

i see and realize and understand that i need to basically be more aware of the actual effects on the body of such intense reactions that i allow myself to go into  - and recognize that i need to essentially stop myself from going into them and be overall more careful in terms of what I allow myself to go into and do on an internal level and be more aware and caring with regards to what the effects are on the body

i see and realize and understand that i have never actually been caring in relation to the body in terms of never having realized or considered even what the effects are of energy reactions on the body - as i've always just lost myself within emotions believing that it has no consequences and not even realizing or seeing how emotions as energy are actually mined from the body and that the body is immensely harmed and damaged in the process

i see and realize and understand that i have always believed that what matters most is my external behavior and actions  and never realized or understood that what actually matters is what i do on an internal level in terms of the energy that i allow myself to participate in and how that energy actually harms and effects the body -- as that's what in fact has the most actual impact on the physical reality

I see and realize and understand that in fact the physical body comes first and not the mind as energy -- and that i need to shift my focus from unconditionally going into and losing myself into energy reactions in the mind, to unconditionally caring for and considering the physical body

I commit myself to be settled and calm and slowed down within myself so as to not allow myself to so easily go into and lose myself into these energy reactions of 'freaking out' - and so to be and stay more 'stable' on an internal level and thus not allow myself to harm or damage the body through energy

I commit myself to essentially 'calm down' those energy reactions of 'freaking out' as experiences and reactions and bursts of fear, despair and hoplessness -- and so care more about the body and what i actually do to the body and how the energy that i go into actually affects the body

I commit myself to place the body first in terms of being careful with the energy reactions that i allow myself to go into - and rather considering what that energy does to the body and so placing more of a guard in front of myself with regards to my tendency to just go into energy reactions of 'freaking out'

Desperate for Connection

This is a continuation to my previous post "I Love Myself"

I do this thing where I look outward a lot, towards other people with this sort of despair of 'please let me know who I am!!' Wanting 'feedback', but in a very intensely desperate way lol. As if my life depends on it. Like I NEED another person to tell me if I am 'good' or 'bad'. Because deep down I have this huge fear of like, everything basically.

I'm a very fearful, anxious, nervous, terrified little girl. Always looking to others to comfort me and reassure me. As a child it was in a very physical way, in terms of running to my parents whenever I felt afraid or scared of anything, but in a very desperate and lost kind of way. As if I felt extremely alone within myself and even when my parents were there, I could not shake that experience of being 'alone' and just not having a real 'connection' with them. Like, they were 'here' with me, but also not, in some way. And I felt desperate for that real connection. But always ended up feeling so lacking. Just so very alone. Like no one could really see me. As if I was really actually a ghost. Feeling so cold, alone, afraid, disconnected, lost. Looking for some hand to touch mine.

It was just me, and the fear inside myself. And that is how I have lived my life. LOOKING for connection. Instead of CREATING connection. Because I felt victimized by FEAR. I did not realize that what I was looking for wasn't 'here' because 'I' was what I was looking for lol. I was the point of 'connection'. It was something I need to live, and bring into manifestation, and create in this world. Because, it is not here already. But, it is something that is needed. So I must be the solution.

I was expecting a 'perfect world'. But I found something quite lacking. But then I didn't realize my responsibility, power or potential to create that world. To create that connection. I just accepted the fear which was telling me that there is no hope. There is nothing, and that's just the way it is. So I'd always be existing in a desperate search for something that simply 'isn't here'.

Forgetting Why we Do what we Do

This is a continuation of my previous post "Are you Changing on a Physical Level?"

A programming that I have lived in my life is that of a 'performing monkey' lol You know one of those monkey's used by street artists where the monkey has to dance or perform some stupid trick - and it does that because that's the only way to get any food from it's owner?

I've been working with my 'desire for recognition' and when I looked at "what's behind this?", that's what I found lol The 'performing monkey' programming. A conditioning to 'perform' in order to 'get what I want and need'. There's a strong 'need to survive' behind it. Like the monkey you see performing tricks. It's not doing that because it likes the attention or it likes to 'show off'. It's doing that because that's what it has to do to survive.

So imagine my surprise upon seeing this programming 'hiding' behind the desire for recognition. Surprise because, clearly I have become the 'performing monkey' to such an extent that I've forgotten all about the fact that it's not actually 'me'. I don't ACTUALLY want the recognition or attention. I'm doing it for survival. That's where it all started. That's why I started doing it.

Imagine the acceptance of oneself as a slave that has to take place for that monkey to actually believe that it's 'enjoying' the attention. Not just acceptance of oneself as a slave but most importantly the overwhelming despair and hopelessness that would drive that monkey to 'forget' it's real reason for doing what it's doing.

It's very sad really. I did not realize I was living such a sad story. A sadness that feels more like a 'pit of despair'.

Will that monkey ever be able to stop performing? Will it ever realize that its 'owner' is long gone so it doesn't have to perform anymore? Will it ever drop the fear of survival and take a chance on life  the way it always should have been?

Well, this monkey is at least starting to realize it's sad, shackled little life that it's been living. And, that's a start isn't it?