Yearning for LOVE

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Make Mistakes"

There’s been this interesting ‘point’ that’s come up in me lately and that seems entirely something ‘new’ to me. It’s a point of like a sense of ‘romance’ or ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, but not exactly in terms of feelings. More like a particular expression. Or like a ‘movement’ to want to explore and define and live these words. In fact I’m seeing that on a deeper level there is this ‘yearning’ for it. Cause it’s almost like everything in my life and life-experience has always been the opposite of these words. Even with being in a relationship, I’ve never allowed myself to access any form of ‘romance’ or ‘love’. In fact my relationships have always been quite conflicted lol. Where I would more just stir up conflict in some form than participate in any positive feelings or experiences.

So that’s why, with this ‘expression’ of ‘romance’ coming up in me, it’s sort of confused me. Where obviously a part of me is also going, ‘but, romance and love and all that, that’s just mind-stuff so this can’t really be genuine. It has to be a mind point in some way!’ And sure, it may be. But at the same time the ‘yearning’ is definitely showing me that I’ve certainly deprived myself of something quite significant throughout my life. And maybe right now my mind is interpreting that as ‘romance’ and ‘love’ and is defining it within preprogrammed definitions that I already have of what those words are.

Cause yes, I mean, I have never ‘loved’ myself. And that is probably what I am really yearning/looking for here. To ‘love’ myself. To be in a ‘romantic relationship’ with myself lol. I’ve always very easily bestowed and given all my ‘love’ to others. Really wanting to give EVERYTHING of myself to another, to the point that there was nothing left of/for me, as that to me was what it meant to truly ‘love’. And it’s created a sort of ‘emptiness’ within me. Being a completely ‘empty’ individual. Because I give everything away. So now I’m left deeply yearning for real love and romance, for ME.

To have that same ‘unconditional/total/complete giving of myself’, but for ME. Not for anyone ‘else’. To give up my life/self, for ME. And give everything, to ME. It’s completely opposite to what I’ve been living so far so it feels entirely alien to even consider it.  Cause I mean, I HAVE to ‘give’ to me, if I want to be able to let go of my desires and attachments with regards to relationships with ‘other people’.

Cause a point that’s also been coming up lately is a want to sort of change and transform my relationship with Paul into an ‘agreement’. In terms of essentially it being a ‘friendship’. Or like ‘friends with benefits’. Where, I’m now at a point where I am ‘done’ with this whole relationship programming within myself, and I am starting to see the solution of agreements of like just two individuals standing together as like just best friends. Where, there’s none of that emotional/feeling bullshit going on. There’s just the supportive qualities that you’d find in a friendship, like equality, sharing, communication, understanding – with sex as a bonus lol.

And for me, this is a big thing lol. No it’s HUGE. Considering the extent to which I’ve always had this obsession with ‘relationships’ in my mind, where I wouldn’t even see or consider it a possibility to be ‘just friends’. It simply did not exist within me, that a male and female in a ‘relationship’ could be ‘friends’, with sex just being a ‘benefit’, but nothing ‘special’. That you could even have such a ‘relationship’ where there is no emotional/feeling bullshit. No co-dependence. No manipulation. No deception. No anxieties or insecurities. No trying or having to be or express yourself in a particular way. No having to be ‘attractive’ for the other person. No worrying whether they ‘still like/want you’. No having to go into personality designs related to being the ‘male’ or ‘female’ in the relationship. No having to ‘fulfill’ some kind of ‘role’. No mutual blame or expectations. No resentments. No suppressed anger or reactions. But where each individual stands alone within self-responsibility, and both just ‘stand together’.

So it’s cool, that it’s opening up for me. Just need to now walk this, SLOWLY but SURELY, into creation. Learning to more create a relationship with ME rather than with another person. And be able to ‘let go’ of the other person, just like how you would within a friendship. Where you can just let the other person BE lol and there’s not that intense ‘attachment’. There’s just a realization and understanding that you don’t NEED each other, but you do enjoy each other’s company. And it doesn’t have to be more than that.

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Living Appreciation

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living in the System"

With living and creating a Safe Haven for and as myself, a word that has come up is ‘appreciation’. To live the word ‘appreciation’, as a sort of building block to build my ‘safe haven’. This word actually came up within looking at how to create and live that Safe Haven on a physical level, in my world and reality. And I realized that I actually have had a tendency to ‘take things for granted’ when it comes to my physical environment. Or to be rather overly possessive and obsessive within trying to ‘hold on to’ the things that I value in my life, but then within that I end up actually neglecting these things believe it or not.

I neglect to really consider and be sensitive to what these things really need. It’s kind of like holding and squeezing a pet canary so tightly that it dies, when all you were trying to do was just protect it or keep it safe. Where you weren’t actually sensitive to the real needs of that canary. So I realized I need to learn to APPRECIATE things, rather than having this possessive/obsessive relationship. Kind of in the principle of ‘if you love something, let it go’. Or more ‘if you love something, let it be’.

Cause an interesting thing that happens when you start obsessing over what you ‘love’, is that you actually become consumed with a fear of losing it and you stop seeing or recognizing or APPRECIATING what it really is that you love about it in the first place. With ‘appreciation’, you more take a step back and rather than being sort of ‘lost’ in this belief that ‘OMG I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE AND I CANNOT LOSE IT AND MUST HOLD ON TO IT NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES!’, you more just ‘take it in’. As though you’re standing on a mountain side after a tough climb and you have a chance to look over the landscape and you sort of ‘take in’ the scenery, within an appreciation for being able to stand there and see it all.

It’s to sort of be ‘grateful’ of the things in my life. Yet, with appreciation, there’s also a dimension of ‘giving back’. Like, not just being grateful for what I ‘have’, but also realizing that in order to ‘keep’ or ‘maintain’ what I have, I must ‘give back’. I must care and support and consider and be sensitive to what my environment actually needs and requires. In fact, I must EQUALLY care, support, consider and be sensitive to my environment as I am to myself.

So, I’ve been looking at HOW to practically live this word appreciation. Like, I’ve got it down in ‘theory’ and in its ‘definition’ but there has to be an equal living of it within and as the physical. How can I live moments of appreciation in my physical world and reality?

I mean, something that immediately comes up is that I can be more ‘physically affectionate’ with Paul for instance, or with our two cats Suki and Vincent. To just give them a bit more attention throughout the day. I can look into the point of ‘giving’ in general and just ask myself how I can ‘give back’, or what I can ‘give’. Which also means that I’d have to start getting more in tune with what the people and the beings around me actually ‘need’ and ‘require’. Which, admittedly, is not something I tend to look at generally speaking.

In fact I’d say it’s a ‘muscle’ I haven’t ever flexed or used really. I’m so used to actually more just thinking about myself and the things I want, need and desire. So I guess that just means it’ll be a ‘challenge’ to, in moments, look at what I could ‘give’ to my environment and shift that focus from ‘what I want/need/desire’ to ‘what can I give?’ and ‘how can I support?’

I Love Myself

 This is a continuation of my previous post "The Purpose of a Relationship"

I love myself. I've been starting to say that to myself. But then I was like 'well what does that mean?'. It means 'I do what is best for me'. I guess that's why 'love' is always such a 'general' kind of word. Cause it basically means EVERYTHING. A commitment to do what's best for myself.

I mean I've never loved myself. In fact I've always hated myself. I couldn't stand myself. I'd use any opportunity to undermine myself, hurt myself, sabotage myself, bully myself. In fact, I feel like that's kind of how these blogs started. Cause I was 'getting somewhere' with myself. So then a point came up. I realized a 'mistake' I had made. A point I hadn't been considering in my process. And all of a sudden I plunged into deep despair and self-judgement, beating up on myself over "how could I have missed this?!!"

And I thought I was supporting myself but it was coming from quite a self-sabotaging starting point, cause at the end of the day it was just an opportunity for the mind to make me 'fall' and falter and give up on what I was doing, which was slowly but surely learning to support myself.

And I mean yeah at the end of the day this was all 'necessary' in the sense that I did end up realizing an important point. Just the whole emotional self-chastising around it made me doubt the process that I was already walking with myself and just intensified this whole programming of self-hate. Which has now just been another 'layer' for me to walk through, ultimately ending up at the same realization, that I need to really start loving myself. So it's interesting how the mind could take a small point, like a realization that 'I missed a point in my process' and spin so much information around it to get you to 'fall' while making you believe you're actually supporting yourself, and make you not even recognize just how much emotional trauma you're actually putting yourself through.

All because you didn't understand that the information you accept as 'real' is what you 'create' as your 'reality'. So that is now your internal reality. Until you start questioning all the suffering you're going through internally and realize that it was all not real to begin with, but merely reactions to 'information' that you unquestioningly 'accepted' as real. Which all went according to the mind's plan. And that, your real focus should be on forgiving that suffering and learning to love yourself unconditionally, and to essentially ignore the 'information' the mind wants you to believe.

So, I made quite a tumble. With some consequences as a result lol. But, I did come to some valuable understandings and realizations, so I have that going for me. Which is nice.

Love is Not the Answer

This is a continuation of my previous post "Why DIP is the Bees Knees"

I got so 'hung up' on 'love', because it seemed to me to be the only thing that made 'sense' in this world. To love someone so truly and deeply and genuinely heartfelt, that I would almost literally 'place them in my heart'.

Basically it was this point of seeing how absolutely horrible this reality is. Seeing all the awful and terrible things that we human beings do to each other. All the immense suffering that exists in this world and that humans go through. And so deciding that 'love must be the answer'. After all, it seemed to be the one 'positive' thing that I could see. The one thing I felt could 'make it all alright'. To simply love someone 'with all my heart', and to carry that 'love' in my heart.

Cause I figured there has to be 'something' to sort of make up for the absolute shit-hole I was born into. And so I found this 'feeling' of 'love'. A 'feeling' that seemed to at least 'feel' like a 'glue' that 'connects' people together. And with all the 'disconnection' and separation that I was witnessing within reality, this was the only thing that did 'make sense' to me. At least 'something' that creates 'connection' and 'togetherness'.

But I am realizing now that 'love' is, in fact, NOT the answer. That I've been duped. Or rather, have duped myself. Or that at the VERY least, 'love' needs some serious reassessment. That it should, first of all, mean that I cannot just ignore the reality that is ACTUALLY here. It can't be a point of 'compensation' or 'making up for' or worse, a 'coping mechanism'.

The REALITY is that there is no 'connection' in this world. There is no 'togetherness'. At least not among human beings. In nature, perhaps. Nature 'more or less' has a sort of 'balance' or 'harmony'. A 'unity', that is definitely not a 'lovey dovey' kind of connection, but there is an inherent sense of 'working together' in nature. A sort of understanding of 'we're all in this together' and 'we're all part of the same thing'. That's why nature is 'nature' lol And we are just 'the human being'. That which does not 'fit in' or 'work together' or 'exist alongside with' or 'is equal to' pretty much ANYTHING ELSE.

And, there is no 'love' in nature. Just the point of 'Hey, we're all just here. Together.' And they don't try to 'escape' reality, within positive feelings like 'love'. They ARE reality. So they are just themselves. Just sort of 'here', pretty much 'waiting' until us human beings get 'here'. Until we let go of our illusions like 'love' and just 'get real', and come to grasps with the fact that, yes, reality is SHIT. That's what's here. Don't try to make something 'positive' out of it. Don't try to look for it, it's not there. Just be real and we'll take it from there.

How Honorable are you?

This is a continuation from my previous post "To Love is to be Limited"

And that's why relationships can't be based on 'love'. They have to be an 'agreement'. And an agreement is something you can only make with yourself. I mean, you can 'agree' on something with another person, but at the end of the day you are the one who decides whether it gets honored. So an 'agreement' is really just something wherein you prove how 'honorable' you are.

Where you prove whether you can stop your addictions that cause you to abuse other people and live in a way that is best. And it's in a relationship with another person, where you would live 'love' the most, that the real abusive nature of that 'love' will become apparent, and that you will abuse the most.

It's in a relationship with another person that you will REALLY see yourself - see the real abuse that you've been accepting in the name of 'love'. And where you will then have to make a choice, about 'who you are'. Because when you are standing face to face with you as the 'abuser', you realize that there really is no 'middle way'. You either STOP completely, and be honorable, or you continue lying to yourself and continue hiding the abuse under 'love'.

Because, if you can change yourself in that relationship with that one person, then you can live that change anywhere. Then you will truly have 'changed'. Cause self-change isn't some 'grand' thing that you show to the world. It's something that's actually only real within those closest, most intimate and personal relationships in your reality. Because that's where the 'real you' exists. And where the real you will be 'reflected'.

To Love is to be Limited

this is a continuation of my previous post "Love is an Addiction"

But maybe underneath that 'gullible', 'pacified', 'tractable' and 'agreeable' personality of 'love', there is something quite the reverse. Something 'wild', and 'aware' and 'primitive'. Something that 'bites' lol and that has it's own 'will'. And that won't be 'contained' by 'love' or 'fear'.

Something that is 'without rules'. Like a wild animal. Something that exists 'beyond' this world and that doesn't 'need' anything in and of this world. Something that doesn't follow 'orders', in the form of 'thoughts' and 'feelings'. Something that has no 'limitations' and is without 'definitions'.

Cause honestly, what 'love' really does - the real 'purpose' of 'love' - is that it 'locks you in'. It makes you 'accept' the 'system'. Because you believe that there is some 'greater meaning' to what's here. Something that somehow makes things 'make sense' - even though they don't actually make any sense at all.

Love is the 'reason' that exists in your mind as to 'why' you shouldn't just unconditionally and absolutely give up on everything. Because, you know, "Oh, it's meant to be", or "God put you here for a reason", or "the universe intended for things to be this way". Yeah, there's all some 'greater reason' to why things are fucked up. It isn't just that they're fucked up.

Cause I mean, if it was, well then there was NO WAY in hell that you would ever accept any of this. If it wasn't for that apparent 'greater meaning', you would have long given up on everything and you would have said "FUCK THIS SHIT". But, ah, the suffering we accept in the name of 'love'.

Love is an Addiction

this is a continuation of my previous post "Love makes Blind"

Love is an addiction. Pure and simple. An addiction to a 'feeling'. A feeling that 'takes you away' from 'here'. It is, just like any other addiction, an escape mechanism. A means to escape reality. To not stand with your both feet firmly on the ground, on the same 'level' as reality.

'Love' is like a cloud that you sit on within yourself and that you allow to take you away, as you 'believe' that 'things will just work out by themselves'. You believe that there's some 'magical force' at work within reality. A 'force' called 'love', which is 'greater' than you and everyone and which in a way 'takes care of things'. It's like a 'cradle' that 'protects' us. And you may not 'see' it physically within reality, but you certainly 'feel' that it exists.

And you trust that 'feeling' to such an extent that you believe it's perfectly fine to sort of 'tune out' of reality and sink back inside of yourself. Because, 'surely everything will be fine'. You believe that your world and reality doesn't really NEED your constant, complete presence, awareness and involvement. Because there's this belief that in a way everything is always 'encased' within a 'cradle' of 'love'. Something that 'holds everything together', like glue.

But then that's also why, when things start to 'fall apart', it comes as such a surprise. The feeling, after all, was telling you that 'things will be fine'. When in reality, clearly, things are not 'fine'. In reality, things did in fact need your constant awareness, presence and involvement. Because, YOU were supposed to be that 'glue' that 'holds everything together' and that 'makes everything work out'.

Love makes Blind

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Standing in the Dark"

Love. Love conquers all. Love always wins. Love is like magic. Love transcends all. Love is the answer. Love is what binds us together. Love is what will save us. Love will keep you safe. As long as there's love, there's hope."Believe in love."

How about, love makes you blind? Love disempowers you. Love makes you gullible, agreeable, and complacent. Love makes you not see reality as it is and therefore makes you place your trust in things that are going to actually end up abusing you and take advantage of you. And obviously you will have 'deserved' it, because you allowed yourself to believe in 'love'.

You allowed yourself to be and become gullible and blind. Believing that 'things will work out in the end', because of 'love'. That people are deep down 'good', because of 'love'. That no matter what challenges you go through and how much you have to suffer, it'll all work itself out in the end, because of 'love'. Because such is the 'power of love'...

You didn't see, or direct, the abuse that has really been going on 'under your very nose', because of 'love'. Because 'love' made you see and perceive things in a 'better light'. It made you perceive people as better than they actually are, and so it made you agree to the abuse that was actually being committed.

Love is truly the most 'evil' thing in the world. And really what is love but a resistance to see reality as it is? To make up 'stories' and 'fairy-tales' where there's things like 'happily ever after' and a 'prince in shining armor' and 'soulmates' and 'magic' and 'meant to be'.

Maybe we should be asking ourselves why 'love' was something that's been so mercilessly 'shoved down our throats' when we were very young. Have a look at EVERY goddamn children's story. It's ALL about 'love'. The 'moral' of every story. As if we 'need' it. But why should we 'need' to be 'convinced' to 'believe' in something? Why can't we just be here and see reality plainly as it is?

Dag 197: Abraham Hicks en de Wet van de Aantrekking (Deel 3)

Dit is een verderzetting van "Dag 195: Abraham Hicks en de Wet van de Aantrekking"
en "Dag 196: Abraham Hicks en de Wet van de Aantrekking (Deel 2)"


ik stel mezelf tot doel om  verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor mijn bestaan hier in deze wereld - door steeds te onderzoeken waar datgene wat ik tracht 'aan te trekken' vandaan komt --- omdat ik besef dat ik niet alleen besta in deze wereld, en dat al wat hier bestaat, in verbinding/relatie staat met alles, en dat dus elke daad/actie een consequentie heeft

ik stel mezelf tot doel om niet blindelings het gevoel van superioriteit dat ik ervaar in mezelf in en als persoonlijke verlangens te vertrouwen  - door te bestaan in en als het besef dat dat gevoel van superioriteit in wezen een zeer gelimiteerde visie/ervaring is op/van de werkelijkheid waarin ik opzettelijk enkel zie wat overeenkomt met mijn verlangens - en daarin mezelf blind houdt in hoe de werkelijkheid echt functionneert

ik besef dat mijn verlangens niet in het centrum staan van de wereld - omdat ik hier besta met ontelbare andere wezens, die, net als ik, hier bestaan, één en gelijk met mezelf

en dus stel ik mezelf tot doel om, in de plaats van mezelf blind te staren op persoonlijke verlangens en op hoe ik mijn omgeving kan gebruiken/aanwenden om die persoonlijke verlangens te bevredigen, stil te staan bij het feit dat deze wereld gedeeld moet worden door al de wezens die hier bestaan en daarin te kijken naar hoe ik best omga met mijn omgeving om ervoor te zorgen dat elk levend wezen kan bestaan op een evenwaardige manier hier op aarde

ik besef dat ik, in en als het participeren in de 'wet van de aantrekking', een systeem van ongelijkheid toesta te bestaan in de wereld, waarin sommigen krijgen wat ze verlangen en dus wat ze willen 'naar zich toe kunnen aantrekken' door middel van hun positie in deze wereld, terwijl anderen moeten afgeven wat ze hebben, en niet eens de middelen hebben om tenminste te overleven

ik stel mezelf tot doel om aan te tonen hoe de 'wet van de aantrekking' enkel kan leiden tot misbruik - omdat wij allen hier bestaan in een gesloten systeem als de 'planeet aarde' -- waarin het onvermijdelijk is dat, als sommigen iets naar zich aantrekken, anderen iets zullen verliezen --- en dat er dus enkel een wereld kan bestaan waarin elk levend wezen een volwaardig leven kan leiden, in en als welvaart en welzijn, als IEDEREEN zich gewaar is van de consequenties die zich uitspelen in de levens van anderen bij wat wij naar onszelf aantrekken, en als iedereen dus verantwoordelijkheid neemt voor deze hele wereld als een geheel

ik stel mij tot doel om aan te tonen dat 'de wet van de aantrekking' in wezen de 'wet van de blindheid' is - waarin mensen opzettelijk hun ogen sluiten voor de consequenties die zich uitspelen in deze wereld in hun persoonlijke zoektocht naar geluk en welvaart --- en dat mensen daarin de idee dat 'alles energie is' gebruiken als een rechtvaardiging om zichzelf te overtuigen dat misbruik, ellende en lijden niet echt bestaat

ik stel mij tot doel om aan te tonen dat mensen de stelling dat 'alles energie is' enkel gebruiken om als rechtvaardiging te dienen voor het najagen van hun persoonlijke verlangens --- en daarin niet stilstaan bij het gezond verstand dat als 'negatiefheid' in en als het misbruik en de ellende in deze wereld zogezegd niet echt is, dat dat dan wil zeggen dat 'positiefheid' als verlangens en gevoelens van gelukzaligheid ook niet echt is -- en als men bijgevolg, participeert in positieve energie in en als de 'wet van de aantrekking' alsof het wel 'echt' is, men daarin impliceert dat negatieve energie ook 'echt' is --- en dat dat het bewijs is dat ALLE energie enkel geproduceerd wordt in en als en door de menselijke geest en op zich niet werkelijk 'echt' deel uitmaakt van het bestaan als datgene wat wel ECHT is, hetgeen enkel gerealiseerd en ervaren kan worden als men loslaat van de energie van de geest

Dag 146: Wij horen bij elkaar!

Dit is een verderzetting van "Dag 145: Wat passen we zo goed Samen!"

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd mezelf af te scheiden van mijn partner en van mijn relatie met mijn partner, door te geloven dat wij 'zielsverwanten' zijn, omdat we 'overeenkomstige' persoonlijkheidskenmerken hebben, hetgeen zogezegd door een mysterieuze kracht/macht gestuurd en geplaatst geweest is - en waarin ik maar de 'onschuldige' mens ben, zich van niets gewaar, waarin ik mij speciaal kan voelen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd geen verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor mijn wereld door te geloven dat mijn relatie met mijn partner 'door de hand van God gestuurd wordt/werd' en door mij 'verleid', 'in zweem' en 'bedwemeld' te voelen door de gedachte en het geloof dat ik 'de ware jacob' gevonden heb - zonder ooit te hebben beseft dat dit 'magisch' en 'overweldigend' positief gevoel in mij geprogrammeerd geweest is door televisie door middel van Hollywood films waarin de idee en het concept van 'de ware jacob' en 'horen bij elkaar' en 'geboren zijn voor elkaar' geromantiseerd en opgehemeld werd

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd mezelf te laten programmeren door Hollywood films en televisie om mijn relatie met mijn partner te romantiseren door te geloven dat wij 'voor elkaar gemaakt zijn', om een gevoel in mezelf op te wekken dat ik ervoer wanneer ik naar die films/sprookjes keek - waardoor ik mijn relatie met mijn partner ophemel als een beeld in mezelf/mijn geest als iets dat ik zogezegd nodig heb om een vervuld leven te leiden, volgens wat ik gezien heb op televisie --- zonder ooit te hebben beseft dat de televisie letterlijk  maar vertelsels en verhaaltjes zijn die op zich niets te maken hebben met de realiteit maar die opzettelijk een verdraaid beeld geven van de realiteit en dat 'het leven' niet zomaar een 'programma'/'film'/'beeld' is, maar het leven dat ben ik als een levend wezen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd nooit te hebben beseft dat ik als een fysiek menselijk lichaam vanaf mijn kindertijd geprogrammeerd geweest ben door de sprookjes en verhaaltjes die mij voorgelezen of getoond werden in boeken en op televisie - en dat ik nu in mijn volwassen jaren enkel die sprookjes en verhaaltjes uitleef alsof het is wie ik ben --- omdat ik noch mijn omgeving nooit heb beseft hoe programmeerbaar en beinvloedbaar de menselijke geest is in de eerste levensjaren

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd te denken in mijn geheime backchat in mijn geest, wanneer ik naar mijn partner kijk, dat wij 'bij elkaar horen', door in mezelf bepaalde uitdrukkingen als 'karaktertrekken' die ik zie in hem te vergelijken met de 'karaktertrekken' waarmee ik mezelf altijd bewust heb geidentificeerd en die ik ervaar als 'positief' - waarin ik mij dan goed voel over mijn relatie met mijn partner omdat ik mijn partner hierin kan gebruiken om die 'positieve' karaktertrekken van en in mezelf te voeden en te ondersteunen, zodat ik mij steeds positief en 'opgeladen' kan voelen in mijn 'identiteit' als 'wie ik denk dat ik ben'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd geen verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor mezelf als het startpunt van hoe ik mijn partner zie, interpreteer en ervaar, door nooit de oorsprong van mijn gedachten te onderzoeken, en dus mijn gedachten te hebben aanvaard en gezien als 'God' zonder zelfs ooit te hebben opgemerkt dat mijn gedachten in mezelf bestaan en dus vanuit mezelf komen - en dat het feitelijk compleet onaanvaardbaar is om mij niet absoluut gewaar te zijn van het waarom en hoe en wat van mijn gedachten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd niet te beseffen dat het geloof en de idee dat mijn partner en ik 'bij elkaar horen' zich enkel limiteert tot het uiterlijk als 'persoonlijkheidskenmerken' als definities en omschrijvingen - en dat ik, door mezelf te definieren in en als het geloof dat ik bij mijn partner hoor op basis van die gelimiteerde persoonlijkheidskenmerken, mezelf in een gevangenis plaats van afscheiding in mezelf, door 'wie ik ben' te definieren in en als een eendimensioneel gevoel dat überhaupt dan nog geprogrammeerd geweest is in mij via de films en sprookjes die ik heb gezien en gelezen en gehoord tijdens mijn kindertijd --- waarin ik in wezen zelfs niet eens echt besta omdat ik mijn hele wezen/leven heb laten bepalen door mijn omgeving

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd mij nooit vragen te hebben gesteld bij de gedachten die ik steeds mijn leven heb laten inrichten en bepalen, en waardoor ik mezelf steeds heb laten bespelen door te reageren op die gedachten met gevoelens - en door dus ook nooit die gevoelens te hebben bevraagd of onderzocht en dus nooit te hebben beseft dat gedachten, gevoelens en emoties niet zijn wie ik werkelijk ben als het leven zelf


wordt vervolgd in Dag 147