This is a continuation of my previous post "The Internal War of Manipulation"
Seems that I’ve copied this ‘personality design’ or mind programming of rather thinking that, ‘no, it’s NOT all already here’, from my mother. Because, ‘I am not good enough’. A belief in my ‘inferiority’ – and therefore the ‘need’ for me to MAKE SURE that I ‘get what I want/need’. Because, no it’s not just going to fall on my lap and it’s not going to just come to me easily – cause I’m just not pretty enough, or interesting enough for that. I NEED to control and manipulate in order to get and have what I want and need.
I mean I have believed that my entire life, when it comes to males. That, I’m just not pretty enough and I’m just not interesting enough, so no male would really WANT me necessarily. So I need to put in extra work somehow. Can’t just expect them to come flocking or even stick around for too long. So there’s always a point of ‘doubt’. Like when Paul showed interest in me and we hooked up and got into a relationship. There was always a doubt in the back of my mind. A doubt that it would last long. A doubt that he is really that interested in me, that he really wants to be with me. Because of that mantra in the back of my mind that ‘I am just not good enough’. I’m just not that pretty and just not that attractive. That basically there’s no way he’d be ‘naturally’ attracted to me. Like, to who I ‘naturally’ am. There’s just so many ‘shortcomings’ that I have. My ‘genes’ are just not that good. So I guess there’s just not a lot of confidence in myself.
Cause I mean yeah my mom was like a really tall girl and tended to be also a bit ‘clunky’, like not necessarily a slender supermodel body, but more a ‘towering giant’ body. She had really thin hair and a round face and a big nose, and a dead grey tooth right at the front. So to her that felt like her ‘beauty’ – her ‘be-you-ty’ was ‘diminished’. That who she was inside, as her ‘be-you-ty’, was ‘diminished’. Because, oh look at all of these ‘flaws’ and these ‘shortcomings’ in terms of how ‘beauty’ is defined in this world.
And I also had those kind of qualities. I was taller than the other girls. I had a really long face and a bigger nose and my teeth were a bit crooked. So I assumed that ‘I am not beautiful’ – that I am ‘less me’ lol because of these specific ‘traits’ that I don’t have on an external level. And so I then separated myself from who I am ‘naturally’. Within the BELIEF that ‘I am not be-you-ti-full’. And it’s also not just from what I developed in this lifetime, or even what I copied from my mother. This kind of ‘acceptance of inferiority’ and ‘diminishment of self’ goes back through my generational lineage. It was already in my mind and body when I was born. All already downloaded within and as me. I was PREPROGRAMMED to be ‘inferior’.
All the points of self-diminishment and self-suppression that have been over time accepted and allowed throughout the generations that have gone before me, manifested in my mind and body – like a blueprint that I would just grow into, while on top of that then also developing my own points of self-diminishment. Because yes as they say, who you are inside will ‘shine through’ and that your ‘inner beauty’ will radiate into your ‘outer beauty’. And when ‘who you are’ on the inside is compromised, within and through the mind, the ‘outer you’ will also be. So then you have to walk a process of correcting all the accepted and allowed points of compromise. Correct the inner ‘you’, if you want to be ‘be-you-ti-full’.