Social Anxiety

 I just have to share this timeline I did in DIP Pro, cause it just so perfectly captures my entire experience as a person in this world, in my life lol. Just 'anxious', uncomfortable, trapped in my own skin, in my environment, not particularly enjoying the whole 'social' experience, around 'other humans'.

MP-->-->-->-->-->memory of sitting on the sidelines watching other kids playing a game

E1-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm at Chiro

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my parents are making me come here and 'play with the other kids'

E1 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my brother too

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> but neither of us likes coming here

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> we're always trying to get out of it, whining at my parents to please let us stay home

E2 -->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I fit in

E2-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I am accepted or that the others like me very much

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel anxious and uncomfortable

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I feel uncomfortable in my clothes even

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I always feel cold and rather just stay inside where it's warm and where we get our treats

E3-->-->-->-->-->--> I am sitting on the side watching as the other girls in my group play a ball game

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I've already been tagged out

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I watch as they all seem really into the game, into competing against each other

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think 'I don't understand it. I don't understand what people like so much about fighting against each other trying to be the winner. Can't we all just be friends and get along?'

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel an aversion to playing games where you have to 'beat' other people and try to be a winner, specifically very physically active games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think I don't want to participate, it's all too rough for me. I want more gentle things, like staying inside and eating or talking or playing board games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm wishing we could go inside and I'm waiting until it's time for us to go inside

E4 -->-->-->-->-->--> I feel trapped cause I'm forced to be there against my will. So all I can do is just sit and wait, feeling uncomfortable inside myself, until I get to go home. While pretending that I like being part of it all and doing all the things everyone else is doing. 

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->--> feel like I'm imprisoned inside my own body and my environment

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> cause I can't go anywhere or do any of the things that I actually want to do and am forced by my parents to be here and do this

And it's with opening up these kind of memories that at first glance seem so trivial in the landscape of my life, that I get to go deeper into this whole design play out of 'me'. That I can have realizations, like 'oh wow, if only I had just been honest with myself about the fact that I hated it there and hated everything about it, it would have actually helped me be more comfortable with myself'. Cause writing out this memory play-out, I can see that it's especially the part where I'm 'pretending' to enjoy being and doing what everybody else is doing, that caused me to feel trapped inside myself. To feel even uncomfortable in my own skin. 

Rather than thinking that I must force myself to fit into this environment and be like everyone else, I could have just recognized for myself that 'no, I was actually forced to go to this place and be here, and I just don't like any of it'. So, rather than trying to force myself to enjoy it, just embrace the hate lol. Embrace and be real with the fact that, hey, I really actually don't like or enjoy any of this. 

Cause I noticed I do that a lot with myself, kind of force myself into trying to enjoy something just because 'everybody else seems to', while I actually simply don't enjoy it if I'm honest with myself. Trying to 'fit into' what seems to be 'the way of life' for most people and pretend that I'm enjoying this ride just like the next person, while I actually am continuously asking myself 'what the hell am I doing here?' and 'what's really the point of all this?' And so I'm not just being honest with myself about how I actually experience myself. More living life based on BELIEF of how I should feel and should be. It's bizarre.

So anyways, just wanted to share this timeline cause I thought it's really neat to be able to get into the nitty-gritty of yourself within this online DIP Pro course, and to then start really changing things through different tools. Taking on your own memories as the 'fabric' of your life and of 'you' and redesigning your whole experience. Pretty cool stuff.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

To Be Different

This is a continuation of my previous post "Tourettes"

There’s this pain in my side, on the left side of my abdomen, that’s come up today. And I thought I'd also just share here how I work with pains in my body to find the related mind-point. Looking into it, with gauging the intensity/location of it, it’s quite a superficial pain so not penetrating into the depths of the organ there, so its not necessarily a ‘deep’ issue. But it is in my ‘internal organs’ area so indicating that it is part of sort of ‘who I am’ inside. My definition of myself. So something that’s ‘mildly’ paining my existence of ‘who I am’ lol. And when I pressed the point what came up was something I’d been looking at earlier actually. This belief I’ve always had of myself as being ‘different’.

Something that’s always made me feel kind of ‘sad’ and ‘defeated’/’deflated’ within myself. Which was also the sensation/inner experience that came up within me when pressing the point on my body. One major point that’s always been sort of on the forefront of myself, has been this desire to ‘relate’ to other people. Yet, at the same time always coming back to the point of not being able to shake the perception and experience that there’s just ‘something’ that’s ‘different’ about me. That for whatever reason, I seem to be unable to connect with and relate to other people in the way that people seem to generally relate and connect with each other.

I would talk about how I experience myself and how I see things with people, to try and understand or try and figure out what is going on. To try and get to the bottom of what it is and why my experience of myself in this world always seemed just ‘different’. Just in how my mind operated and the things that were in my conscious mind awareness. It’s like, in a way I was like everybody else, but at the same time I wasn’t, in some substantial kind of way.

Not just in how I experienced myself, but also just my general expression. How I respond to things. My ‘social behavior’. And the way my mind processes things. It was always a little ‘off’ lol. Just that little bit ‘different’. Just that little bit ‘shifted’ from what’s ‘normal’. But even just that ‘little bit’ of difference, made all the difference lol. It’s made me go, “WTF is going on here!” for much of my life. And I’m sure it’s what ultimately pushed me to start walking my process with Desteni, to just try and get to the bottom of WTF is going on so I could stop feeling so ‘out of place’ and ‘weird’ and ‘shifted’ all the time. So I could finally answer that question mark that has haunted me and get some sense of stability within myself in terms of just knowing who I am.

So anyways lol, this pain in my abdomen was essentially showing me that I am still busy ‘defining’ myself according to this belief of ‘I am different’, connected with emotional experiences of separation, disconnection, sadness and aloneness. I had already walked some self-forgiveness and had supported myself to come to a realization that pretty much the reason why I’ve always felt so ‘different’, so separated, disconnected, out of place, left out and alone was primarily because I just never had an understanding of things. Not understanding why my mind is the way it is and what the mind is to begin with. Not understanding or seeing how the mind exists and that what made me ‘different’ was more a consequence of certain things that happened in the development of my mind and the integration between my mind, being and body that took place even in the womb.

I’m not ACTUALLY ‘different’. In terms of the mind and how it’s structured and operates, sure, just like with human beings who suffer from mental illnesses, I’m ‘different’. But at the end of the day I am a being, who has been programmed within a mind consciousness system here on earth. And who now must walk their process of self-responsibility. Of figuring it all out for myself. And because of my ‘unique’ and ‘different’ mind my process may be a little different as well. But I mean, the mind is the mind. The system and structure and the building blocks of it is exactly the same in everybody. Sometimes things just happen within a beings life that cause some form of ‘trauma’ to the mind and that create these sort of ‘shifts’ where the mind just develops a little differently than normal. It’s just ‘tough luck’, cause you still need to walk your process with and through your mind the way that it is. At the end of the day it’s what you’ve accepted and allowed so it’s now yours to take responsibility for.

For support with body-pains and with identifying the related mind-points, find me on Space of Grace where I do QCK sessions.

 

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com