Social Anxiety

 I just have to share this timeline I did in DIP Pro, cause it just so perfectly captures my entire experience as a person in this world, in my life lol. Just 'anxious', uncomfortable, trapped in my own skin, in my environment, not particularly enjoying the whole 'social' experience, around 'other humans'.

MP-->-->-->-->-->memory of sitting on the sidelines watching other kids playing a game

E1-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm at Chiro

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my parents are making me come here and 'play with the other kids'

E1 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my brother too

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> but neither of us likes coming here

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> we're always trying to get out of it, whining at my parents to please let us stay home

E2 -->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I fit in

E2-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I am accepted or that the others like me very much

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel anxious and uncomfortable

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I feel uncomfortable in my clothes even

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I always feel cold and rather just stay inside where it's warm and where we get our treats

E3-->-->-->-->-->--> I am sitting on the side watching as the other girls in my group play a ball game

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I've already been tagged out

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I watch as they all seem really into the game, into competing against each other

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think 'I don't understand it. I don't understand what people like so much about fighting against each other trying to be the winner. Can't we all just be friends and get along?'

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel an aversion to playing games where you have to 'beat' other people and try to be a winner, specifically very physically active games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think I don't want to participate, it's all too rough for me. I want more gentle things, like staying inside and eating or talking or playing board games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm wishing we could go inside and I'm waiting until it's time for us to go inside

E4 -->-->-->-->-->--> I feel trapped cause I'm forced to be there against my will. So all I can do is just sit and wait, feeling uncomfortable inside myself, until I get to go home. While pretending that I like being part of it all and doing all the things everyone else is doing. 

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->--> feel like I'm imprisoned inside my own body and my environment

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> cause I can't go anywhere or do any of the things that I actually want to do and am forced by my parents to be here and do this

And it's with opening up these kind of memories that at first glance seem so trivial in the landscape of my life, that I get to go deeper into this whole design play out of 'me'. That I can have realizations, like 'oh wow, if only I had just been honest with myself about the fact that I hated it there and hated everything about it, it would have actually helped me be more comfortable with myself'. Cause writing out this memory play-out, I can see that it's especially the part where I'm 'pretending' to enjoy being and doing what everybody else is doing, that caused me to feel trapped inside myself. To feel even uncomfortable in my own skin. 

Rather than thinking that I must force myself to fit into this environment and be like everyone else, I could have just recognized for myself that 'no, I was actually forced to go to this place and be here, and I just don't like any of it'. So, rather than trying to force myself to enjoy it, just embrace the hate lol. Embrace and be real with the fact that, hey, I really actually don't like or enjoy any of this. 

Cause I noticed I do that a lot with myself, kind of force myself into trying to enjoy something just because 'everybody else seems to', while I actually simply don't enjoy it if I'm honest with myself. Trying to 'fit into' what seems to be 'the way of life' for most people and pretend that I'm enjoying this ride just like the next person, while I actually am continuously asking myself 'what the hell am I doing here?' and 'what's really the point of all this?' And so I'm not just being honest with myself about how I actually experience myself. More living life based on BELIEF of how I should feel and should be. It's bizarre.

So anyways, just wanted to share this timeline cause I thought it's really neat to be able to get into the nitty-gritty of yourself within this online DIP Pro course, and to then start really changing things through different tools. Taking on your own memories as the 'fabric' of your life and of 'you' and redesigning your whole experience. Pretty cool stuff.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

The Self-Honesty Personality

This is a continuation of my previous post "Whatever you do, DON'T be benevolent"

I mean when I’m resisting listening to bernard’s vlogs, then I know there is something I’m hiding and not being honest about. Something I am not facing about myself. Cause Bernard has a way of pushing those buttons of hidden self-dishonesty. Of reaching into the depths of me and finding or touching on the point where I am not being honest with myself and where I am trying to justify self-dishonesty.

Like the point of using Desteni to basically tell myself that I am self-honest. Just cause I am in the leadership forum. Using Desteni to justify self-dishonesty. To justify and support my ‘image’. An ‘image’ that I have built of myself – an ‘ego’ – wherein I can feel positive and special. Wherein I can feel comfortable and justify my comfort zone that I have built for myself. The ‘me’ that I believe I am and don’t want to give up on.

Thinking that oh because I’ve been walking my process for so many years and I was one of the ‘first ones’ to start my process, that means I’m self-honest and special. When really, it probably means quite the opposite. It just means that all this time, I have used this point to hide my self-dishonesty. Cause I just wanted to be able to tell myself that ‘I am self-honest’, so I could hide my shit and not ever face myself. So I could feel comfortable. Cause my entire starting point in process was not self-honesty or self-responsibility. It was that I just wanted to be able to feel good.

So basically any chance I get to just feel good, I take it. And that’s usually where I stop directing myself. I mean it’s really only cause my body started ‘acting up’ that I started pushing myself. Or, it was only cause in my relationship shit was hitting the fan, that I started directing and changing things. Like literally, I have always only been moved by self-interest.  I am clearly NOT SELF-HONEST. And that might be the only self-honest thing about me. To realize and see and admit that I am simply not self-honest. I am not honorable. I don’t have integrity.

And when I have any thought or belief or idea in my mind wherein I think or believe that I am self-honest, I should KNOW, it should be a sign, a red flag, that I am definitely NOT being self-honest. That in fact I am busy hiding my self-dishonesty under this pretense of apparent ‘self-honesty’ as an ‘image’ that I’ve created and developed around ‘Desteni’. The ‘Desteni personality’.

I mean it’s all in reverse. Really the fact that I am walking with Desteni only means that I am more self-dishonest than anyone else lol. That I am more fucked than anyone else. And that I was just looking for a way out. A way to make myself feel better. All under the guise of ‘self-honesty’. So I’d never REALLY question myself. Because hey, ‘I am self-honest’, and I am doing self-forgiveness and all that, so that must mean that I’m benevolent.

I mean really ‘I am self-honest’. What a joke. I really need to let go of that illusion. Or, ‘I am a living example’ lol, that’s another one. ‘The new human’. I’ve just come to create personalities and characters out of the principles so that they could serve my self-interest. So that I could justify basically ANYTHING about myself. And I could do no wrong.

So I mean I really need to start getting my head out of my ass with this shit. And start getting REAL. I mean yes of course self-forgiveness is awesome and cool. But ‘Desteni’ means fuckall. If anything I started walking process cause I wanted to be able to ‘stand above’ and be better than everybody else in the world, because I just felt really salty about my life being the way that it was. Cause I felt like I never got what I wanted, so I wanted to use ‘process’ and self-honesty and all that to give some special meaning to myself and be able to believe that I’m somehow better and more than other people.

Like literally there is nothing about me that’s in any way worth ‘life’. And it’s in fact all in reverse. While I’ve believed that I’ve been holier than thou throughout my life, I’ve just actually been even more self-dishonest than anyone else. And yes I should ‘die’. I cannot exist. I am just the mind. I am self-dishonest. Everything of me. There is not one part of me that’s in any way honorable. Like, I just AM the mind. And the mind simply cannot exist. So, I cannot exist. I need to stop fighting. Stop trying. And just accept ‘death’. The death of me. And be just ‘silence’. No movement inside me. Stand and exist as ‘death’. THAT is the only honorable thing to do. THAT would be doing life a favor. To just not be a participant anymore. To have NOTHING going on within myself. To just STOP. Cause really if I don’t, then death will just do it for me. I will die either way. Self-interest will not survive either way. So I just need to accept that fact.

And I mean yeah I should have stood in that point a long time ago. I basically wasted YEARS apparently ‘walking process’. But I mean at the end of the day the point remains the same. The point of death is one and equal, regardless. Whether back then or now. Within death we are all one and equal. Death is the great equalizer. Equalizing past, present and future. Cause in death, none of what I believe matters really actually matters. None of how I experience myself, or define myself, matters. So I might as well just embrace death here and now. And ‘kill myself’. That is, give up literally EVERYTHING I’ve come to accept about and as ‘me’. Everything I believe makes me ‘special’. Everything I have accepted and allowed to ‘exist’. All my hopes, desires, dreams, wants, needs, personalities, self-definitions, self-beliefs.