I shall not express myself

This is a continuation of my previous post "Fighting for Righteousness"

so it's kind of weird, this thing. This point within me wherein I seem to have learned not to express myself. Not to ever 'express' the real me sort of speak. Like, anything that I do express always comes from a starting point of 'careful deliberation' in the mind. From 'thinking' wherein i decide 'how I should express myself'. So there is like a almost 'complete' suppression of me as the directive principle. Cause it's always my thoughts that are that directive principle. It's like at some point in my life I 'accepted' that I should not express me. And that I must express only thoughts.

So I suppressed like the 'genuine' part of me. That which would 'genuinely' express itself, without thoughts and without thinking. And it's like hiding under just this 'wall' of like almost an attacking of myself. Or like, basically all the 'reasons' for why I cannot and should not express myself. Which is like judgments of myself and like thoughts about all the things I believe I've done wrong and so this wall is kind of like a 'punishment' of myself. Or like this point of believing that I don't 'deserve' to express myself because oh look at all these things that I am doing wrong. All these reasons why I don't deserve to be genuine and 'free' and 'me'.

Like for instance something that will come up is that 'I wasted too much time walking my process', that I am 'too late'. Specifically compared to others, it's this belief that I should be punished for that or at least judged for it, and so must sit in this 'containment' until the judge and jury has decided that I may be released. Until I've 'done my sentence' in a way. Like if this 'real me' really is 'pure' and 'innocent', then I must be 'found innocent' and basically must have done nothing 'wrong'. But the thing is that I can always find so many things 'wrong' that I've done. So many ways in which I did not sort of measure up to the 'ideal'. Take Sunette for example. She would be the 'ideal'.

Like, from what I 'know' of her, she walked her process and transcended her mind in like a few years, and then started portaling. Whereas me, more than ten years later from when I began my process, here I am still only moved in 'increments'. Like sure I've changed from when I started, but I don't have the ability to portal, so like I am not yet as 'self-realized' as Sunette has been for years. So she's always like a reminder that I've just been 'wasting my time' and that I am just not disciplined enough, not driven enough, not self-honest enough, not self-responsible enough. Or at least that I haven't been. So then, do I really 'deserve' to sort of 'freely express myself'? When my 'track record' clearly shows that I never actually 'cared' enough about life to try harder?

But then, life is me isn't it? And the point of 'not caring about life' is the mind. So then at the end of the day it doesn't matter 'how long it took me' and 'how long I've wasted time', cause to care about life, as me, is to simply allow myself the freedom to express myself genuinely, unconditionally. Where, 'how long' it took me to get there doesn't matter. Cause only the mind would use something like that to still just 'prolong' that time. Only the mind would use numbers like days, months, years, hours, to 'calculate' and 'reason' why you would or would not 'deserve' something. And only the mind would use the concept of 'deserving' in the first place. For life, as me, the only thing that matters is that you're 'here'.

Doesn't matter how you 'compare' or what you've done in the past. None of that 'matters' because life is about being 'here'. Life doesn't 'hold grudges'. Life doesn't even have a 'memory'. Life is just 'expression'. Life doesn't care about you trying to 'rectify' or 'do penance' or 'atone'. Life is about unconditionally letting go and starting over. In every moment. All these words like atonement and even 'forgiveness' are things the mind uses to create 'the past' as 'memory'. To create the illusion that you are 'shackled' to something. Something that 'haunts' you and 'burdens' you and therefore you cannot just 'be you'. You cannot just express yourself genuinely and innocently. You have to have these 'memories' that just trail behind you and accumulate as you live your life and just sort of becomes more and more 'shit' that you now have to somehow 'rectify'.

And it's quite well done, this 'system'. This 'system' that makes these 'memories' seem like it's really 'who we are'. Where you look at your memories and go, "yeah, that's me". And you accept this 'prison'. Cause it 'makes sense' to you that 'life' is like this. That you have these things called memories, that somehow make up or define who you are. These things that sort of build this wall around you, and make it impossible for you to be 'free' in your expression.

Who am I?

This is a continuation of my previous post "I'm the Best Slave"


My whole life I've been petrified of being 'wrong' in any way. It mostly started, and probably originated actually, in school. Where I would watch the 'bad kids', which were basically just the ones who didn't one hundred percent 'behave', get humiliated and scolded and punished by the 'teachers'. And I just remember feeling sorry for them and thinking, "I don't EVER want to be in that position!" "I don't ever want to be the 'wrong' one or the 'bad' one, who gets all the shit rained down on them".

I was just absolutely freaking PETRIFIED of what I saw those teachers do to those 'poor kids'. It was horrifying sometimes. Just the DELIBERATE things they would do. Like saying and doing things that were clearly intended to make the children 'feel bad'. Not just bad, feel 'horrible' actually. Feel small and insignificant and humiliated and embarrassed. And I just was really, really afraid of that. To have that 'wrath of the Gods' lol come down on me. And they did seem to be 'Gods' back then.

There are maybe one or two teachers that I can recall who didn't have that 'mean side' to them. Out of maybe the forty that I've known, growing up. And I mean, that's fucking sad. But anyways, I've basically since then I guess been living with this petrifying fear of being 'wrong' or 'bad'. Like a 'I will almost pass out' kind of fear lol.

And the thing with this fear is that, oftentimes I can't actually 'know' whether I'm 'wrong' or not. In school it was easy cause you just had to behave a certain way and do certain things. Sort of just 'keep your head down'. But like, what about on an existential level?? How can I possibly KNOW whether I'm 'doing the right thing'? Cause I got no one on the side line telling me that I'm 'doing great' or sort of saying like 'yeah this is good' or 'this is bad' or 'this is right' and 'this is wrong'. And that's where the fear of being 'wrong' can be OVERWHELMING lol. Cause, since there's no specific 'parameters' or 'markers' in terms of what exactly is 'wrong' or 'right', that fear sort of has all the freedom to just spin out into eternity.

But then this is just the 'disease' of self-interest isn't it? Of 'consciousness'. To be 'interested' in 'one-self' and the 'who', 'what' and 'how' you 'are'. Looking for those 'definitions' making up the 'who am I'. To be 'conscious' of 'oneself'. Cause that's basically what this is. Being 'self-conscious'. But, I mean at the end of the day it's all just fear. Or in my case a PETRIFICATION, programmed during childhood. So even though it's all about 'who I am', it's not actually who I really am. It's just a 'program' of 'thinking' based on FEAR.

Dag 752: De Herinneringen die Je Dacht Verwerkt en Losgelaten te hebben..

Deze blog zet voort op het onderwerp van 'herinneringen' hetgeen in voorgaande blogs - zoals Dag 750: De Onderontwikkelde Vermogens van Volwassenheid en Dag 751: Hoe Belichamen we het Verleden in ons Dagelijks Bestaan? - ter sprake gekomen is. 'Herinneringen' in termen van hoe je als mens ervaringen uit het verleden in en met je meedraagt die dan de ervaring van wie je bent in jezelf en in relatie tot je omgeving kleuren en bepalen.

Om een concreet voorbeeld te geven kwam ik oog in oog te staan met mijn eigen onderdrukte en vergeten herinneringen wanneer ik zo'n twee-tal jaren geleden hier naar de Desteni Farm verhuisde. Ik kwam van een stadsbestaan in België waar ik gedurende lange tijd alleen leefde. Ik werkte ook alleen en bevond me dus niet vaak in het bijzijn van veel mensen, en wanneer dat wel gebeurde was het steeds van korte tijd. En nu plots bevond ik mij in een vrij grote groep mensen waar ik haast in elk moment mee samen leefde en werkte.

Wat voor mij aanvankelijk, gedurende de eerste aantal maanden, naar boven kwam drijven waren allerlei emotionele ervaringen en gedachtenpatronen in mijn geest die ik nooit ervoer toen ik nog alleen leefde. Wat naar boven kwam was in feite de gedrags- en gedachtenpatronen die ik had gevormd en ontwikkeld tijdens mijn kindertijd en specifiek mijn schooltijd. Gedachtenpatronen die specifiek te maken hadden met mijn positie in de groep, met mijn zelf-beeld in relatie tot de mensen om mij heen, met of ik al dan niet in de groep pas, of ik er al dan niet bijhoor, of ik al dan niet goed genoeg bevonden word, etcetera. En gedragspatronen zoals bijvoorbeeld een neiging om mezelf te isoleren van de groep, om mijn emoties verborgen en onderdrukt te houden en om mezelf en mijn expressie opzettelijk te verminderen in interacties met de mensen om mij heen.

Al deze ervaringen kwamen in mezelf op intense wijze naar boven omdat ze onderdrukt bestonden in mezelf. Het was min of meer vanaf ik de schoolbanken had verlaten dat ik ook niet meer te maken kreeg met hoe ik mezelf zag en ervoer in relatie tot groepen en de positie en identiteit die ik mezelf gegeven had in relatie tot die groepen waarin ik mezelf eens bevond. Als je alleen woont wordt je immers niet geconfronteerd met die groepsdynamiek en zullen al die ervaringen en gedachten en persoonlijkheden vandien ook niet getriggerd of geactiveerd worden. Toen ik alleen leefde leek het dus dat ik 'stabiel' was, aangezien ik over het algemeen niet veel te maken kreeg met emotionele ervaringen, maar dit wilde absoluut niet zeggen dat de ervaringen die ik meemaakte binnenin mezelf toen ik een kind op school was zomaar verdwenen waren. Het wilde enkel zeggen dat die ervaringen afhankelijk zijn van een specifieke omgeving en opstelling en dat het dus maar een kwestie is van wat er in mijn omgeving gebeurt, hetgeen dan zal bepalen wat er in mijn interne realiteit getriggerd zal worden.

Dit is dus een voorbeeld van hoe je herinneringen kan leven en belichamen zonder dat je het zelf beseft - namelijk omdat die herinneringen als slapercellen zijn diep in de grochten van je geest, en enkel activeren wanneer je je in specifieke situaties bevind. Dan komen er bepaalde gedachtenpatronen en emoties of gevoelens naar boven waarvan je dacht dat het niet meer in jezelf bestond.

In de volgende blog deel ik hoe ik van deze situatie waarin die specifieke onderbewuste herinneringen van hoe ik me ervoer tijdens mijn kindertijd geactiveerd werden gebruik heb gemaakt om mezelf te veranderen op een manier waarop ik weet dat als ik me ooit nog in een groep van mensen bevind, dat ik niet meer beinvloed zal worden door herinneringen.