To Live the Word CARE

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living my Living Word"

Who am I in and as the word ‘care’?

Care has always been something I looked for from others and felt that I lacked within myself. I always wanted people to prove how much they cared about me and so I often deliberately did things, like hide away or act miserable, just to see if I could get a reaction out of people as apparent ‘proof’ that they care about me.

So care has definitely not been a word that I have lived in my life. In fact, I’ve more lived words like neglect and abandonment. Feeling neglected and abandoned. But, more actually neglecting and abandoning my RESPONSIBILITY to live the word care for and as myself. To actually look into this word and for myself defining what it means to LIVE care.

Cause, clearly how I have defined this word is within and as REACTIONS. Believing that, if somebody reacts to something I do, then it means they care about me. Like, they ‘care enough’ to go into reactions. Rather than ‘not giving a shit’. So care is supposedly a ‘feeling’ that I’m supposed to feel or that people are supposed to feel about me, and if that feeling isn’t there then apparently there isn’t any care.

So I mean obviously this can’t be what real care is about. Cause if anything it just creates ‘neglect’, cause a ‘feeling’ can’t always be there. It can’t be trusted. And also, by looking for a ‘feeling’, I tend to not actually see the points of ‘care’ that are in fact always unconditionally here. I tend to then take that for granted, because it’s not a ‘feeling’.

Like I would say nature, lives the point of care. As in always providing, always being here, always supporting, always giving. Yet expecting nothing in return. And being ‘invisible’ in a way. As in nature isn’t going to be like ‘hey look at all this stuff I’m doing for you guys! Aren’t I the greatest?!’ It just does what’s necessary to be done, ‘behind the scenes’. Taking care of things, so that life can thrive.

I mean, then again, in return nature gets shat on by humanity who take it all for granted and don’t appreciate that unconditional care. So I guess maybe there’s something within how nature lives care that’s also not necessarily ‘best’, since it’s never really supported or rather ‘pushed’ human beings to care for nature in return. Until now, with the corona virus lol. Maybe that’s nature adjusting its definition of care a little bit, showing some ‘tough love’ to human beings and standing up with the words ‘I’ve just about had enough of your shit’.

Because, at the end of the day, that ‘unconditional care’ is cool and all, but it has to also be aligned with what is best for all in oneness and equality. And when one party is giving, giving, giving, without ever expecting anything in return, and the other party is taking, taking, taking without giving anything back – that’s not best for either party.

So perhaps ‘care’ isn’t so much about the point of ‘unconditionally giving’ or even ‘taking care of’ – but more first and foremost about ‘keeping your eye on the prize’, as what’s best for all in oneness and equality. And to then do what’s necessary to be done, as in ‘take care of’ things, in the context of what’s best for all. So no more polarity of ‘unconditionally giving’ vs ‘taking things for granted’. But more looking at what’s actually necessary for us all to come together within the point of oneness and equality. For those who give, give, give, to start standing up for themselves, and those who take, take, take, to start giving back.

So I suppose living ‘care’ is to, ‘behind the scenes’ simply do what is necessary to be done to manifest a reality of what’s best for all in oneness and equality. To thus not simply act out of a ‘feeling’ of apparent ‘care’ where you’re supposed to apparently just ‘give’ to another and disregard and neglect yourself. But to really ask yourself ‘what is really needed here?’ Like what earth and nature are doing right now in relation to humanity. Asking themselves the question of ‘what does the human really need in fact, to get their heads out of their asses and start honoring life on earth?’ Apparently the answer to that was Corona virus.

So, sometimes it’s to ‘unconditionally give’, but sometimes it’s to take something away. Either way, there is ‘unconditional care’ because it’s all in the context of what’s necessary to ultimately bring about a world that’s best for all in oneness and equality.

Corona

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Don't Want to See!"

I see the corona virus within me, in terms of the points that I have been accepting and allowing and have been living that are my 'weak spots'. In terms of 'care'. I mean in fact care has been a very big theme throughout my life. Where, I have never cared for pretty much anything about myself. I did not care about my inner self, my outer self, or my environment. I did not 'take care', as in 'be attentive' of things. And I would more 'neglect' my reality.

Neglect within the way that I clean. Neglect within how I take care of things. Neglect within how I support myself. Neglect as in 'let slide'. As in 'not being on top of' things. But more turning a blind eye and just accepting and allowing things rather than being firm and directive and assertive with 'taking care of business' so to speak, on all levels.

Like I would allow myself to sleep in, even though I know that I don't need more sleep than six hours and it would be best for me to just get up after those six hours rather than continue to 'snooze'. I mean that is an aspect where I am not 'on top of' myself and my 'self-care', in terms of doing what's best for me.

And I have always just had that tendency to be 'lazy' pretty much. To let things slide, and 'let myself go' and just not be disciplined with myself. And so would neglect that point of self-care, of just having your affairs in order basically and not just letting your life go to waste. But to actually take it in both your hands and 'take care of it'. Putting in the effort to organize myself and my life in a way wherein I'm supporting my self-expression in this world and reality. I would just never sort of see the point or the purpose of it and would think that it's fine to just neglect myself and not place all that much value in my life.

And it's a point of 'giving up' on myself. Of not giving the best to myself. Not giving my utmost to myself. But rather going, "ah, I'm not worth all that much". And I've pretty much always just accepted this of myself. Thinking 'it's of no consequence'. Like what does it really matter if I don't care that much about myself.

Cause yes, care takes effort. It takes attention and attentiveness. Like when you take care of a baby. You have to always be there, always be ready, always be 'on the ball'. You can't be lazy, you can't postpone or procrastinate. Cause that baby is here and now and everything must be immediate. And you have to always be tuned into what it needs and wants, ready and willing to respond to all of it.

It has to be a COMMITMENT. One which you cannot abandon even for a second. It's the same with caring for yourself. It's exactly the same as caring for a baby. It takes that commitment and that decision of 'yes, I am doing this!' Realizing that it doesn't matter 'how you feel'. It doesn't matter if you 'don't feel like it'. Just like when you have that baby. The baby is here, and you have to take care of it because that is the decision and commitment you made by bringing this baby into the world. Feelings don't matter at that point. You have to see yourself as a newborn baby. And as a parent at the same time. Take care of yourself.

So care is just a commitment that you make with yourself. To take responsibility for yourself as you would with a baby. Consider yourself as that baby that's just been born into the world. It needs your attention and care. It is helpless on it's own and it needs something or someone to take care of it.

Cause yes I am quite helpless on my own. In fact that is very much how I have always experienced myself. As though I am truly just a helpless naked baby with no skills and ability to take care of itself. Something that just needs to be nurtured and held and fed and unconditionally loved. But I never understood 'care as commitment'.  I never understood that I must be my own parent and make that commitment with myself. Because I do have the ability to be both parent and baby. So I must be both, within and as me.

And it's quite the dichotomy. To be both these 'polarity extremes' at once. But actually it makes so much sense. Because I must stand within and as every point in existence, because every point in existence exists within me. So I am both child and parent. Both helpless and innocent, as well as powerful and responsible. I have to realize myself as both at the same time. All living words of and as me. All parts of me.

I can't go and think that 'because I am an adult now, therefore I am no longer a child'. It just doesn't work that way. I just end up suppressing the child within and as me, the fact that deep down I do just feel quite helpless and innocent and naked. And deep down I do have a need for care and attention and to be nurtured and taken care of.

I have to recognize that these are parts of me. And that they all equally exist within me. Being an adult doesn't mean that you are not a child. It's not one or the other. Even though that's what the mind would have you believe. Because in fact if you do not accept and embrace each part equally, you actually end up with 'nothing'. You end up with just confusion, because you're not accepting who and what you are. So you exist kind of in limbo.

Embrace each part fully as you, rather than thinking that you can only be one thing. Because one cannot exist without the other and so if you try to live only one thing, you end up living a 'half-life'. Always looking for your other half, as the part of you that you just haven't accepted.

And care exists within accepting that polarity within and as me. Within the 'parent-child' relationship within and as myself. Within recognizing that I am helpless and innocent and cannot take care of myself on the one hand, and being responsible on the other hand. It's within learning how to be a parent of the child that is me.