Do you CARE?

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "I'd like to go back now please"

A point that I've been looking at recently, is to 'place myself first'. From the perspective that, I've realized that although I have always put my focus on who and how I am in relation to my environment, I need to actually be focusing on who and how I am in relation to myself. I never realized that, while I can be the sweetest, most gentle, understanding, supportive and careful person in relation to everybody around me, I am actually the meanest, most spiteful, nasty and hateful person in relation to myself. In terms of the thoughts and the energies and reactions that I allow and do onto myself is just awful, and it's all of the things that I would never allow myself to do onto anyone else.

Because I always believed that, as long as I am good to others, it really doesn't matter how I treat myself inside. Kind of thinking 'it's just me anyways, what does it matter'. Thinking/believing that I don't matter, that I come last and that all of my nastiness and spitefulness and hatefulness I can just take out on myself, where it apparently 'doesn't matter'. So I've come to realize that my process of proving myself to be 'worthy of life', is not in relation to others, but in relation to myself. My challenge is in relation to myself, which is what I've extensively taken for granted and neglected and abused throughout my life. I'm fine in relation to others lol, it's in relation to myself that I need to prove that I can be a 'decent' person. That I can be all the things that I am always trying so hard to be to everyone else. 

And so, this ushered in my process of 'placing myself first', of making a commitment with myself, and learning to prove to myself that I stand as what's best for all of life, as ME. But with that, an interesting point has come up. The point of 'care'. As in the belief that, if I'm going to be placing all my focus and attention on 'me' and am going to 'place myself first', that I will be 'selfish' and that it means that 'I don't care about anyone else'. So that's been a point of conflict that's come up within me. Of 'oh no, I don't want to be selfish!' I wouldn't want people to think that I don't care!

So I've had to ask myself - or realize - 'what is care really?' And what does it really mean to care? Cause when I am 'placing myself first', I'm not just placing 'me' in separation of everyone else first. I am placing 'life as me' first. So that means that what I am placing first, is the life that is within me and equally as one within everybody else. The 'life' that is at the core of each and every one. The life that, when it comes to human beings, is layered within the mind. Where we as humans may for instance believe that we 'care' because we participate within particular feeling/thought/emotional/behavioral constructs, yet actually if we really had a look, when it comes to 'life on earth in oneness and equality' we don't actually care. We don't actually do anything. We don't actually discuss solutions. We don't actually take action to bring about a world that is best for all. To bring about world change. 

So it's interesting, that that belief or perception exists, that to participate within thought/feeling/emotional/behavioral constructs and to 'be just like everybody else' means that I care - because I am apparently placing all of my focus on everybody around me and so apparently 'not being selfish'. Yet reality is actually in reverse, because at the end of the day if I have a look at my actions, I am not actually actively bringing about a world that is best for all, and so I don't actually care. Because if I really cared about life on earth, about the life within the 'life-forms' around me, then I would be taking action in every moment to address the MASSIVE problems we are facing in this world. I would NOT be 'like everybody else'. Because, 'everybody else' - or rather 'nobody else' - is actually talking about those problems. Nobody else seems to be taking anything seriously in terms of what's happening in this world and reality. 

Nobody else, or should I say me lol, within how I've always used to define the word 'care' - to only exist in the context of separation. In the context of only my family and my loved ones and close ones and immediate environment. As though I'm not entirely part of existence. Part of this world and part of life as a whole. Where care is more a construct of thoughts/feelings/emotions/behavior. More a sort of façade and something I BELIEVE I'm doing, yet am not ACTUALLY doing.

So to 'focus on me' and 'place myself first' - is more actually to focus on 'all of life' within and as me. To not be 'distracted' with just my immediate 'personal' environment. But to always place 'all of life' within me, within and as the point of 'oneness' - wherein yes I stand 'alone', as in 'all-one'. And yes I am 'selfish' but in the context of 'my-self-as-life' so it's a good kind of selfishness. It is a selfishness that's based within real CARE. 

And yes it certainly seems to be the exact reverse of what I always believed 'care' to be - in terms of ONLY being distracted by the people in my immediate environment, as MY family, MY friends and MY self, and sort of ruling out the rest of the world. And so it's the opposite of what I've basically learned throughout my life to believe is 'right'. Yet at the same time it is common sense and there is no denying that. It is just absolutely weird that it seems so far removed from the sort of 'human way of existing'. It is 'weird', yet it is the only thing that makes sense. Weird indeed.

Living BALANCE

This is a continuation of my previous blog "Fear of the Homeless"

Why don't I see 'taking care of myself' and 'doing what is necessary to be done to change the world', like blogging, vlogging, coaching, etc., as also 'my job'?

I mean, why do I keep on expecting or waiting for myself to somehow 'want to do it', rather than forcing myself to do it in the same way I force myself to get up everyday to go to work and do the work that's necessary to be done at my 'job'?

Nobody said that 'changing the world' is something I have to 'like' or even 'want' lol. It's just 'what's necessary to be done'. Just like with any job. You gotta get up every morning, and wash yourself, put clothes on, get in your car, drive to work and then spend like eight hours doing all sorts of stuff and following all sorts of orders and instructions. And that's like eight, nine, ten hours a day!

And, yes, it's unfortunate that the job you do doesn't already include or exist in the context of what is best for all. And that, outside of those ten hours a day that we spend on our 'system job', we have to now also work on changing that system, which requires equal dedication, commitment and consistency as your 'system job'. It also requires us to 'show up' every day and 'do the work'. Because, if it relies on what we 'want' or 'like' or 'feel like' doing, it's just not going to get done. Just like, most likely, if you showing up to your job everyday relied on what you felt like doing, you probably wouldn't do it. Or you'd at least probably show up later, work less, and put less effort into it.

And yes I do see the time that I am not at work as my 'leisure time'. The time I need to 'recharge'. By doing the things that I WANT to do, rather than HAVE TO do. And so I will fit in doing things like blogging and vlogging, doing my Mind Construct and working on my coaching business according to what I 'feel like' doing, rather than sort of scheduling it in the way that I do my job - where it's also a point of 'have to'. Where I HAVE TO show up at a certain time to do certain things and get a certain 'job done'. And where I can't just wander off, distracting myself with other things, just like I can't do that at my system job.

The way I see it, this 'need for leisure time' outside of work, is more a consequence of me not actually taking proper care of myself WHILE I am at work. Where I often for instance over-exert myself in my tasks, or don't take a bathroom/lunch/food break when my body is actually asking for it or when I reasonably can and should. And where I am just overall not very  comfortable or settled within myself, and so am in a sort of constant state of 'stress' or 'tension'. And it's only when I get home that all that tension and stress 'releases' and I feel like now I get to 'relax' and 'get comfortable'.

But then that 'relaxation' and 'comfort' just goes overboard and into the extreme as it tries to compensate for the excessive amounts of stress and tension I was placing myself under all day. While, ideally, I should be stable, comfortable and relaxed all day, so that when I come home there isn't that sense of RELIEF, because I wouldn't NEED it.

Because really, within this polarity of STRESS AND TENSION while at work and then ABSOLUTE RELAXATION AND COMFORT when I'm home, I'm actually two times a slave. I am a wage-slave as I slave away at my job, and I am a slave to whatever points of 'entertainment' I believe I need to 'unwind' and 'chill out'. But above all, I am a slave to the mind, as within neither points, I am really 'alive'. I'm just a slave to energy.

So essentially, what I need is 'balance'. A little bit of the structure and dedication and 'have to' from my system job into my time outside of work, and a little bit of the relaxation and comfort from my time outside of work into my system job. Balancing it out. So that, in a way it doesn't matter what I do or where I do it. Whether it's labeled 'work' or 'leisure time'. What matters is that I am balanced on the inside. And that 'balance' isn't this energy-game that I play between 'stress' and 'relaxation', but that it's actually something that I live in a constant and consistent way. Within properly taking care of myself in every moment, no matter where I am or what I am doing. And so essentially not treating myself like 'just a slave', but honoring myself through listening to my real physical needs. 'Doing the work' and 'doing what's necessary to be done', but at the same time also taking care of myself and making sure that I am comfortable and relaxed and not placing any pressure or tension or stress on myself.

Corona

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Don't Want to See!"

I see the corona virus within me, in terms of the points that I have been accepting and allowing and have been living that are my 'weak spots'. In terms of 'care'. I mean in fact care has been a very big theme throughout my life. Where, I have never cared for pretty much anything about myself. I did not care about my inner self, my outer self, or my environment. I did not 'take care', as in 'be attentive' of things. And I would more 'neglect' my reality.

Neglect within the way that I clean. Neglect within how I take care of things. Neglect within how I support myself. Neglect as in 'let slide'. As in 'not being on top of' things. But more turning a blind eye and just accepting and allowing things rather than being firm and directive and assertive with 'taking care of business' so to speak, on all levels.

Like I would allow myself to sleep in, even though I know that I don't need more sleep than six hours and it would be best for me to just get up after those six hours rather than continue to 'snooze'. I mean that is an aspect where I am not 'on top of' myself and my 'self-care', in terms of doing what's best for me.

And I have always just had that tendency to be 'lazy' pretty much. To let things slide, and 'let myself go' and just not be disciplined with myself. And so would neglect that point of self-care, of just having your affairs in order basically and not just letting your life go to waste. But to actually take it in both your hands and 'take care of it'. Putting in the effort to organize myself and my life in a way wherein I'm supporting my self-expression in this world and reality. I would just never sort of see the point or the purpose of it and would think that it's fine to just neglect myself and not place all that much value in my life.

And it's a point of 'giving up' on myself. Of not giving the best to myself. Not giving my utmost to myself. But rather going, "ah, I'm not worth all that much". And I've pretty much always just accepted this of myself. Thinking 'it's of no consequence'. Like what does it really matter if I don't care that much about myself.

Cause yes, care takes effort. It takes attention and attentiveness. Like when you take care of a baby. You have to always be there, always be ready, always be 'on the ball'. You can't be lazy, you can't postpone or procrastinate. Cause that baby is here and now and everything must be immediate. And you have to always be tuned into what it needs and wants, ready and willing to respond to all of it.

It has to be a COMMITMENT. One which you cannot abandon even for a second. It's the same with caring for yourself. It's exactly the same as caring for a baby. It takes that commitment and that decision of 'yes, I am doing this!' Realizing that it doesn't matter 'how you feel'. It doesn't matter if you 'don't feel like it'. Just like when you have that baby. The baby is here, and you have to take care of it because that is the decision and commitment you made by bringing this baby into the world. Feelings don't matter at that point. You have to see yourself as a newborn baby. And as a parent at the same time. Take care of yourself.

So care is just a commitment that you make with yourself. To take responsibility for yourself as you would with a baby. Consider yourself as that baby that's just been born into the world. It needs your attention and care. It is helpless on it's own and it needs something or someone to take care of it.

Cause yes I am quite helpless on my own. In fact that is very much how I have always experienced myself. As though I am truly just a helpless naked baby with no skills and ability to take care of itself. Something that just needs to be nurtured and held and fed and unconditionally loved. But I never understood 'care as commitment'.  I never understood that I must be my own parent and make that commitment with myself. Because I do have the ability to be both parent and baby. So I must be both, within and as me.

And it's quite the dichotomy. To be both these 'polarity extremes' at once. But actually it makes so much sense. Because I must stand within and as every point in existence, because every point in existence exists within me. So I am both child and parent. Both helpless and innocent, as well as powerful and responsible. I have to realize myself as both at the same time. All living words of and as me. All parts of me.

I can't go and think that 'because I am an adult now, therefore I am no longer a child'. It just doesn't work that way. I just end up suppressing the child within and as me, the fact that deep down I do just feel quite helpless and innocent and naked. And deep down I do have a need for care and attention and to be nurtured and taken care of.

I have to recognize that these are parts of me. And that they all equally exist within me. Being an adult doesn't mean that you are not a child. It's not one or the other. Even though that's what the mind would have you believe. Because in fact if you do not accept and embrace each part equally, you actually end up with 'nothing'. You end up with just confusion, because you're not accepting who and what you are. So you exist kind of in limbo.

Embrace each part fully as you, rather than thinking that you can only be one thing. Because one cannot exist without the other and so if you try to live only one thing, you end up living a 'half-life'. Always looking for your other half, as the part of you that you just haven't accepted.

And care exists within accepting that polarity within and as me. Within the 'parent-child' relationship within and as myself. Within recognizing that I am helpless and innocent and cannot take care of myself on the one hand, and being responsible on the other hand. It's within learning how to be a parent of the child that is me.

Are you Worthy?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Live by Principles so you can be Trusted"

What I have found is that when it comes to things like self-love, self-care, self-appreciation, self-respect, self-worth and self-acceptance - they're things you have to 'earn'. You have to 'prove yourself worthy'. They're not things that you 'just' give to yourself.

And that, when you feel 'worthless' or 'rejected', it's silly to go "Oh, just accept yourself" or "just recognize your own worth" or "you just have to appreciate yourself more". Even though that's what we do. That's the stuff that we say to each other and to ourselves. But, does it ever work?

It doesn't. And maybe that's our only 'saving grace' too. Our only point of self-honesty. That we can't just accept the appreciation or acceptance, until we know we've earned it. And, trust me, you'll KNOW when you've earned it. You'll be able to look at yourself and not be able to NOT have respect and regard for yourself. It will be HERE.

And, until it is undeniably here, you are still only in the process of earning and proving yourself worthy. Which is fine. I mean really all you can do is just be honest about it. At least then you have self-honesty. And a starting point. And that's at least 'something'. It means you exist, at least. It means you're real.

Then you can start your 'real' process. Building yourself up from scratch. Proving that you are life. Purifying yourself and passing through the eye of the needle. Living words, like self-love, self-respect and self-appreciation, in a way that makes them undeniably here.