Monday, March 2, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous post "I Don't Want to See!"
I see the corona virus within me, in terms of the points that I have been accepting and allowing and have been living that are my 'weak spots'. In terms of 'care'. I mean in fact care has been a very big theme throughout my life. Where, I have never cared for pretty much anything about myself. I did not care about my inner self, my outer self, or my environment. I did not 'take care', as in 'be attentive' of things. And I would more 'neglect' my reality.
Neglect within the way that I clean. Neglect within how I take care of things. Neglect within how I support myself. Neglect as in 'let slide'. As in 'not being on top of' things. But more turning a blind eye and just accepting and allowing things rather than being firm and directive and assertive with 'taking care of business' so to speak, on all levels.
Like I would allow myself to sleep in, even though I know that I don't need more sleep than six hours and it would be best for me to just get up after those six hours rather than continue to 'snooze'. I mean that is an aspect where I am not 'on top of' myself and my 'self-care', in terms of doing what's best for me.
And I have always just had that tendency to be 'lazy' pretty much. To let things slide, and 'let myself go' and just not be disciplined with myself. And so would neglect that point of self-care, of just having your affairs in order basically and not just letting your life go to waste. But to actually take it in both your hands and 'take care of it'. Putting in the effort to organize myself and my life in a way wherein I'm supporting my self-expression in this world and reality. I would just never sort of see the point or the purpose of it and would think that it's fine to just neglect myself and not place all that much value in my life.
And it's a point of 'giving up' on myself. Of not giving the best to myself. Not giving my utmost to myself. But rather going, "ah, I'm not worth all that much". And I've pretty much always just accepted this of myself. Thinking 'it's of no consequence'. Like what does it really matter if I don't care that much about myself.
Cause yes, care takes effort. It takes attention and attentiveness. Like when you take care of a baby. You have to always be there, always be ready, always be 'on the ball'. You can't be lazy, you can't postpone or procrastinate. Cause that baby is here and now and everything must be immediate. And you have to always be tuned into what it needs and wants, ready and willing to respond to all of it.
It has to be a COMMITMENT. One which you cannot abandon even for a second. It's the same with caring for yourself. It's exactly the same as caring for a baby. It takes that commitment and that decision of 'yes, I am doing this!' Realizing that it doesn't matter 'how you feel'. It doesn't matter if you 'don't feel like it'. Just like when you have that baby. The baby is here, and you have to take care of it because that is the decision and commitment you made by bringing this baby into the world. Feelings don't matter at that point. You have to see yourself as a newborn baby. And as a parent at the same time. Take care of yourself.
So care is just a commitment that you make with yourself. To take responsibility for yourself as you would with a baby. Consider yourself as that baby that's just been born into the world. It needs your attention and care. It is helpless on it's own and it needs something or someone to take care of it.
Cause yes I am quite helpless on my own. In fact that is very much how I have always experienced myself. As though I am truly just a helpless naked baby with no skills and ability to take care of itself. Something that just needs to be nurtured and held and fed and unconditionally loved. But I never understood 'care as commitment'. I never understood that I must be my own parent and make that commitment with myself. Because I do have the ability to be both parent and baby. So I must be both, within and as me.
And it's quite the dichotomy. To be both these 'polarity extremes' at once. But actually it makes so much sense. Because I must stand within and as every point in existence, because every point in existence exists within me. So I am both child and parent. Both helpless and innocent, as well as powerful and responsible. I have to realize myself as both at the same time. All living words of and as me. All parts of me.
I can't go and think that 'because I am an adult now, therefore I am no longer a child'. It just doesn't work that way. I just end up suppressing the child within and as me, the fact that deep down I do just feel quite helpless and innocent and naked. And deep down I do have a need for care and attention and to be nurtured and taken care of.
I have to recognize that these are parts of me. And that they all equally exist within me. Being an adult doesn't mean that you are not a child. It's not one or the other. Even though that's what the mind would have you believe. Because in fact if you do not accept and embrace each part equally, you actually end up with 'nothing'. You end up with just confusion, because you're not accepting who and what you are. So you exist kind of in limbo.
Embrace each part fully as you, rather than thinking that you can only be one thing. Because one cannot exist without the other and so if you try to live only one thing, you end up living a 'half-life'. Always looking for your other half, as the part of you that you just haven't accepted.
And care exists within accepting that polarity within and as me. Within the 'parent-child' relationship within and as myself. Within recognizing that I am helpless and innocent and cannot take care of myself on the one hand, and being responsible on the other hand. It's within learning how to be a parent of the child that is me.