Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN!

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... Not Doing Anything"

So in my previous blog I wrote about this ‘business’, with always hopping from one thing to another, always in a rush and a hurry, trying to do a million things at once. And how to relax is to essentially bring the focus more ‘here’, rather than ‘everywhere else’. To ‘not do anything’, as in to be Ok with just being here.

Now I have noticed myself going into that ‘rushedness’ especially when I am at work. Where, I’ve found myself rushing and hurrying through my tasks and responsibilities EVEN when there is no need for me to do that. When I can get the same things done in the time that I have without rushing myself. I can take my time, do things at my own pace, more taking it easy, while still getting everything done that I need to get done. So why all the hurry?

What I’ve realized is that my starting point for hurrying/rushing myself in every moment, is this belief in the back of my mind that ‘I am not good enough’. A belief that I must prove myself. That I must prove that I am effective and efficient and fast and good at what I do. Like I actually believe that I’m pretty shit at everything, so I must sort of ‘over-perform’ through rushing and putting in MUCH MORE effort than is required into everything I do so I can ‘prove’ to people: ‘Look! I can do this! I am good at this! I am not shit!’

So there is a constant focus on ‘other people’. Within that point of ‘I must prove myself’ to people, and ‘must show people’ what I’m made of. But obviously no matter what I do, no matter how efficient and effective and fast and good I prove myself to be, it really makes no difference. Its not like I ever reach a point where I can ‘finally accept myself’ and finally relax and be content with myself. I just keep on looping in that rushed state, never good enough, never relaxing, never satisfied with myself.

So with the point of ‘relaxing’ this is something I’ve been having to take on. To really catch myself each time I access this state, which is all the time lol, and slow myself down and look at where within myself am I in this belief that ‘I’m not good enough’ and that ‘I must prove myself to others’? And the reason why this is such a ‘tricky’ point and why it’s been so difficult to change within it, is because it is a negative hiding behind a positive. The ‘rushedness’ actually feels like a positive experience. An adrenaline. It makes me feel ‘good’. It makes me feel good about myself, for a moment, as I am busy ‘proving myself’ – so there is a ‘reward’ there. Or at least the experience of it. But it actually does quite a number on my body.

And it’s been my body that’s been showing me: ‘hey! Slow down girl! Look at what you’re doing to yourself, by not looking at your starting point behind this rushedness!’ Because, the thing is that I was coping just fine! Lol I was just fine not slowing myself down and not working on my relationship with myself, in terms of self-acceptance. It was working for me, to lose myself in the rushedness energy as my ‘compensation’ for my inner accepted ‘inferiority’. So my body stepped in and took a stand and went ‘no more!’, and so now forcing me to walk and change this point the hard way, through pain, because I wasn’t doing it on my own. That’s consequence for ya. It’s in the things you don’t tend to question.

So it’s now a painstaking process for me to really do the thing I have been avoiding all this time. To SLOW DOWN lol. Take responsibility for my relationship with myself. Stop hiding behind the rushedness energy, and work on how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be inferior and not good enough. To stop coping and start actually resolving and correcting and changing. To stop being so gullible when it comes to energy and start taking responsibility for what I’m accepting and allowing. So, thank you body lol. It’s a kick in the butt. But one I needed, evidently.

 

 

 

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The Pain of Living

This is a continuation of my previous post "Just Stop Trying Already"

I went to the doctor to have some moles checked out today. And sitting/lying there as he is giving me needles with anesthesia, I suddenly became ‘painfully’ aware of how ‘pain’ is such a gruesome, yet everyday part of our reality.  And how some people go through unspeakable pains and physical suffering, due to getting sick in some way. And how I probably at some point as well will have to face unimaginable physical suffering. I mean I can only ‘imagine’ what death must feel like when all your organs are shutting down and you feel the life leave your body.

That kind of pain is something that I have been fortunate enough to have sort of been sheltered from throughout my life so far. But it’s certainly PAIN which brings the awareness into the body and in a not-so-nice way forces you to see what is REAL. When you are in physical PAIN, suddenly all your fears and anxieties and all your thoughts and emotional states magically fall away. Suddenly all of that becomes entirely irrelevant. Because it is. None of that has anything to do with actual reality whatsoever.

You become aware that you are just a physical being and that all that matters is the physical body and whether it is taken care of. And PAIN shows that we don’t actually take care of the physical reality. PAIN is a consequence of the fact that we, as humanity, have always placed the physical body’s importance inferior to for example our mind. Our emotions and feelings and our fears and thoughts and whatever it is that occupies our mind. Whatever it is we BELIEVE to be of the utmost importance. Until PAIN comes along and shows us BEYOND a doubt that it is not.

We could be living forever. We could have found the antidote for pain. We could be existing without physical suffering of any form in this world. But our priorities always lay elsewhere. We rather used and abused the physical body, and this physical reality, for the sake of our MIND. For the sake of getting to experience whatever made us feel important and special in our MIND. And then we have pain, and illness and disease, and death – to remind us that at the end of the day, who we believe we are and what we believe to be real in our mind is not what matters. It never mattered. But now it is too late.

Now we have to face and deal with pain. Each and every single one of us. I will face it. And you will face it. It is our consequence, for having taken this physical existence for granted. We’ve only created more and more and more pain and suffering, instead of finding ways to make it less and ensure that life on earth is as little suffering as possible.

And we thought we could get away with it. With, oh maybe if we just direct all the suffering to some people, so that a select few can experience relative comfort with less suffering. Where some people in this world will suffer in unspeakable ways, and nobody cares, while others live in comfort and luxury and have enough money to have their physical body taken care of. But at the end of the day we face the same reality. One wherein every physical system has been greatly neglected and taken to it’s worst, most inferior possible form. So at the end of the day we all suffer, because we did not consider equality. And we did not consider what is best for all. Or what even fucking makes sense.

 www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com