Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN!

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... Not Doing Anything"

So in my previous blog I wrote about this ‘business’, with always hopping from one thing to another, always in a rush and a hurry, trying to do a million things at once. And how to relax is to essentially bring the focus more ‘here’, rather than ‘everywhere else’. To ‘not do anything’, as in to be Ok with just being here.

Now I have noticed myself going into that ‘rushedness’ especially when I am at work. Where, I’ve found myself rushing and hurrying through my tasks and responsibilities EVEN when there is no need for me to do that. When I can get the same things done in the time that I have without rushing myself. I can take my time, do things at my own pace, more taking it easy, while still getting everything done that I need to get done. So why all the hurry?

What I’ve realized is that my starting point for hurrying/rushing myself in every moment, is this belief in the back of my mind that ‘I am not good enough’. A belief that I must prove myself. That I must prove that I am effective and efficient and fast and good at what I do. Like I actually believe that I’m pretty shit at everything, so I must sort of ‘over-perform’ through rushing and putting in MUCH MORE effort than is required into everything I do so I can ‘prove’ to people: ‘Look! I can do this! I am good at this! I am not shit!’

So there is a constant focus on ‘other people’. Within that point of ‘I must prove myself’ to people, and ‘must show people’ what I’m made of. But obviously no matter what I do, no matter how efficient and effective and fast and good I prove myself to be, it really makes no difference. Its not like I ever reach a point where I can ‘finally accept myself’ and finally relax and be content with myself. I just keep on looping in that rushed state, never good enough, never relaxing, never satisfied with myself.

So with the point of ‘relaxing’ this is something I’ve been having to take on. To really catch myself each time I access this state, which is all the time lol, and slow myself down and look at where within myself am I in this belief that ‘I’m not good enough’ and that ‘I must prove myself to others’? And the reason why this is such a ‘tricky’ point and why it’s been so difficult to change within it, is because it is a negative hiding behind a positive. The ‘rushedness’ actually feels like a positive experience. An adrenaline. It makes me feel ‘good’. It makes me feel good about myself, for a moment, as I am busy ‘proving myself’ – so there is a ‘reward’ there. Or at least the experience of it. But it actually does quite a number on my body.

And it’s been my body that’s been showing me: ‘hey! Slow down girl! Look at what you’re doing to yourself, by not looking at your starting point behind this rushedness!’ Because, the thing is that I was coping just fine! Lol I was just fine not slowing myself down and not working on my relationship with myself, in terms of self-acceptance. It was working for me, to lose myself in the rushedness energy as my ‘compensation’ for my inner accepted ‘inferiority’. So my body stepped in and took a stand and went ‘no more!’, and so now forcing me to walk and change this point the hard way, through pain, because I wasn’t doing it on my own. That’s consequence for ya. It’s in the things you don’t tend to question.

So it’s now a painstaking process for me to really do the thing I have been avoiding all this time. To SLOW DOWN lol. Take responsibility for my relationship with myself. Stop hiding behind the rushedness energy, and work on how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be inferior and not good enough. To stop coping and start actually resolving and correcting and changing. To stop being so gullible when it comes to energy and start taking responsibility for what I’m accepting and allowing. So, thank you body lol. It’s a kick in the butt. But one I needed, evidently.

 

 

 

www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

 

To Accept Failure

This is a continuation from my previous post "To Be Different"

To touch back on what I wrote about a few days ago, in terms of the pain in my side and the associated ‘mind-point’ of defining myself as ‘different’. I mean this point of being ‘different’ has in a way been a ‘polarity’ for me throughout my life. In that I felt ‘different’ in a negative way for most of my early childhood, into my teens. I had all these thoughts and beliefs in my mind about myself being ‘good for nothing’, being a ‘failure’, being inferior and less than everybody else. Feeling ‘different’ in terms of ‘less than everyone’. And then into puberty and early adulthood I started to actually make a positive out of the negative, developing a personality design out of being ‘different’ as something that apparently made me ‘special’. Yeah it’s pretty weird, but that’s what I did. And that’s what the mind does lol

Rather than being honest with myself about the fact that I felt NEGATIVE, and so resolving those points within myself, so I don’t end up lost in some illusion of ‘different as special’, where I now just become more separated from the world I exist in. Cause when you start thinking that your ‘difference’ makes you ‘special’, or that ‘different’ means ‘special’, you’re in trouble lol. Cause that means you won’t allow yourself to relate to other beings in a normal way anymore since being ‘different’ is now what makes you feel good about yourself. And it’ll be all the more difficult to get to that point of realness with yourself again as you’ve decided you just don’t want to face the negative within yourself anymore. The REAL reasons you think you’re ‘different’. As in you’re not different cause you’re ‘special’, but because you’re a disappointment, a failure, an inferior being.

And you’ll find that your mind will keep switching between those two polarities as well. Where you’ll feel ‘different as special’ the one moment, and then ‘different as inferior’ the next. And it’s hard to just be ‘stable’, to just be ‘you’, and exist in a place of self-acceptance. Cause, in order to get to that ‘you’, you need to actually face the negative and be honest with yourself that how you REALLY feel and how you REALLY see yourself, is not ‘special’, but rather ‘inferior’. And that if anything, you’ll find that as ‘special’ as you experience yourself, you actually feel EQUALLY as inferior/less than. Cause you’ve been COMPENSATING.

So I had a look at this whole point of ‘oh I’m such a failure’ and ‘I’m so much less than everyone else’ that’s been there for so long within me. Almost as long as I can remember. And I thought, well, I’ve been fighting this point for so long and even created a separate personality programming on top of it just so that I could feel a little better about myself and could ignore and suppress these experiences and beliefs within myself. So, let’s say that I am ‘inferior’, and a ‘failure’. You know, maybe I feel that way for a reason. Maybe I feel that way because I AM a failure. And yes, yes, in this world it’s almost bad to say those things about yourself. Because oh no you mustn’t think like that about yourself. You must like yourself and think positively about yourself and accept yourself no matter what. Surely you are NOT a ‘failure’.

But I mean if I for a moment just take out the energy, as in have it not be a pitiful ‘woe is me, I’m such a failure’, but just look at it in a practical, down-to-earth kind of sense. Then yes I can actually realistically conclude that the EXPERIENCE and the THOUGHTS of ‘I’m such a failure’ were on some level based on an ACTUAL realization of myself being, yes, a failure. As in I was ‘failing’ in a lot of areas of myself. A lot of ways in which I was ‘lacking’. In my social skills for example. In my ability to connect and relate to and work together and communicate with others. I was also lacking in many other skills like math or languages and other things I was being taught in school. Lots of things I wasn’t learning and integrating properly. And yes that made me feel inferior and less than others and like I was a failure. But at the same time, I WAS also failing.

But then instead of turning to myself and going ‘ok well let me see how I can support myself to succeed within these points where I’m failing’, I turned it into a pity-party by attaching a feeling/emotion to the point of ‘failure’. Almost like I was trying to sabotage myself so I wouldn’t simply learn and grow and improve myself. Cause that’s why ‘failure’ exists, to simply show you where you need to be supporting yourself more and which parts of yourself you’ve been neglecting or have not developed properly. But because we’ve accepted this culture of emotional coddling where we’re allergic to seeing our own flaws, accepting or considering ‘failure’ somehow becomes something ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ or even ‘hurtful’. Rather than just a reality which, just like anything, is here for us to learn from and understand so we can change and become the best version of ourselves.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

The Self-Interest Demon

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Unwillingness to Give up on Something"

The self-interest demon is the 'who' and 'what' I really am. Like, underneath all the 'trying' to 'not be self-interested', I am in fact self-interest personified. And the self-interest demon, only cares about self-interest. Only cares about ENERGY. In fact, it IS pure energy. Always moving around. Sort of a 'catch me if you can'.

Something that sort of can't be 'contained' or 'told what to do'. Something that doesn't follow any 'rules' or structure in any way whatsoever. It JUST WANTS ENERGY. It doesn't care about what 'makes sense'. It doesn't care about your rules or beliefs or ideas or, god forbid, 'intentions'. It sort of 'can't be tamed'.

So, if you do want to 'tame it', you better be very smart about it. Cause it will SABOTAGE every attempt. You better fully understand what you're dealing with. And don't underestimate it. You better recognize, the full extent and existence of this thing.

And you might judge it, and try to deny it. Cause it's not a pretty sight. I mean it's a demon lol. An addiction. But the only way is by accepting it. Like accepting 'ok I guess this is me'. Sort of just being real with yourself about what's really going on. Which might not be what you might have believed about yourself.

Only from that point of acceptance can you start to sort of 'direct it'. Being 'fully aware' that the 'nature' of the self-interest demon is to exploit your every 'weakness'. Which is every little point wherein you're not standing one and equal with it. Points of judgment, suppression and self-delusion.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about this self interest demon within me

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide this self interest demon within myself, underneath beliefs about 'who I am' as positively charged self-delusions  - like the belief that 'I care' and 'I do what's best' and 'I have good intentions' and 'I am a responsible adult'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest and real with myself about the fact that 'deep down' I am actually addicted to ENERGY and I care about nothing else than to satisfy my wants, needs and desires for ENERGY

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the point of 'self-interest' within and as me is completely without principles, without 'morals', without 'rules', or 'self-awareness' or 'self-restraint' and so cannot in fact be 'trusted' -- but must be 'accepted' and 'directed', without judgment or reactions to it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the self-interest demon within and as me shows me my self-delusions - as it WILL NOT LISTEN to anything, unless I stand one and equal with it and direct it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the self-interest demon and stand one and equal with it - and to not make illusions about 'who I am', but rather accept and realize that this self-interest demon is the 'real me' as who and what I have become, as addicted to energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make illusions about 'who I am', within denial and judgment and suppression of the self-interest demon as 'who I really am' - just because I don't want to truly see and face the actual 'reality' of me -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in fact, the self-interest demon FEEDS off of this self-dishonesty as it uses and exploits my 'weaknesses' to generate energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the self-delusions in the mind as these positively charged beliefs I have of myself, which actually just serve to hide the self-interest demon - instead of being real with myself and accepting the self-interest demon as one and equal with and as myself and directing it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anytime I go into any positively charged self-delusions, I am only feeding the self-interest demon  - and that I need to simply accept and stand one and equal with it and be real with myself about how I actually exist 'deep down'

When and as I see myself accessing positively charged self-delusions in the mind, as beliefs about myself and 'who I am', then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that I'm just in denial of the reality of myself, which is that the 'who' and 'what' I have become and am existing as, is in fact a self-interest demon as an addiction to ENERGY

and I see, realize and understand that by going into these self-delusional self-beliefs, I am just feeding the self-interest demon as it feeds off of my 'weaknesses' as the points wherein I am simply not being honest and real with myself

and that I just need to accept and stand one and equal with this self-interest demon in and as me, so that I can practically, realistically direct it

I commit myself to be real with myself instead of creating illusions as beliefs in my mind about 'who I am' - and to accept the self-interest demon as the 'reality' of 'who' and 'what' I am and have become, and stand one and equal with it, and to direct it from the starting point of that oneness and equality -- actually grounding myself by being 'down-to-earth' and 'real' with myself about 'who' I actually am and what's actually required of me so I can direct me effectively in reality

Are you Worthy?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Live by Principles so you can be Trusted"

What I have found is that when it comes to things like self-love, self-care, self-appreciation, self-respect, self-worth and self-acceptance - they're things you have to 'earn'. You have to 'prove yourself worthy'. They're not things that you 'just' give to yourself.

And that, when you feel 'worthless' or 'rejected', it's silly to go "Oh, just accept yourself" or "just recognize your own worth" or "you just have to appreciate yourself more". Even though that's what we do. That's the stuff that we say to each other and to ourselves. But, does it ever work?

It doesn't. And maybe that's our only 'saving grace' too. Our only point of self-honesty. That we can't just accept the appreciation or acceptance, until we know we've earned it. And, trust me, you'll KNOW when you've earned it. You'll be able to look at yourself and not be able to NOT have respect and regard for yourself. It will be HERE.

And, until it is undeniably here, you are still only in the process of earning and proving yourself worthy. Which is fine. I mean really all you can do is just be honest about it. At least then you have self-honesty. And a starting point. And that's at least 'something'. It means you exist, at least. It means you're real.

Then you can start your 'real' process. Building yourself up from scratch. Proving that you are life. Purifying yourself and passing through the eye of the needle. Living words, like self-love, self-respect and self-appreciation, in a way that makes them undeniably here.