Relaxation is... To Give Yourself A Break

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN" 

I sometimes find myself… well, “sometimes”, OFTEN lol. I OFTEN find myself sort of thinking about or ‘looking at’ myself. Thinking about ‘my place in the world’ in a way. ‘Who am I?’ And sometimes seeing, well, some ‘tough stuff’. That, in a lot of ways I haven’t been, and am not, who I’ve always believed myself to be. I’m not quite as ‘good’ and ‘innocent’ and ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest’ and what have you, as I tended to believe. It’s the ‘real shit’ in a way. Seeing more of a ‘real’ and honest portrait and representation of myself that’s not at all the image of positivity and good-heartedness I’ve been ‘hiding’ behind for all of my life.

And it can be quite a ‘bottomless pit’ sometimes. A barrel I could just stare down forever and ever. Where it seems as though, there’s just no end to my deception, to the lies, the manipulation, the hiding, the self-compromise.  It’s just a vast wasteland of hopelessness without a speck of ‘light’ so to speak. Something I could sink into and disappear in, and just keep sinking without ever reaching a bottom. And the regret and despair is immense. All of my mistakes, all of my shortcomings, my flaws, all of it. Once you start to really open things up, there’s just a vastness to it.

I mean this sort of ‘vastness’ only really opened up not too long ago, when I started really SEEING the consequences, and my responsibility and contribution to those consequences. Seeing the ACTUAL impact my actions and who I am within them is having on my reality. And seeing ALL the ways I have not been considering reality, but have more been lost within illusions and delusions in my mind. It’s been a shock to say the least, and easy to kind of get lost in, and get sucked into.

But I’ve realized that, at some point, I HAVE TO stop. I have to ‘give myself a break’. Yes it’s vast, and yes I’m sure there’s lots and lots more I’m not yet seeing and not yet considering and yes it’s all ‘pretty bad’. But at some point I need to be like ‘ok, whatever’. And just more focus on correcting and changing myself, than staring down the deep bottomless pit of regret for what I haven’t but should have been living. At the end of the day, what matters is CHANGE. Is that I do what I can with what I’ve got, to change and correct myself. I mean it’s cool to see where and how I’ve compromised myself, and have been ‘lacking’. But if it’s not being used to push myself to change, then it’s kind of useless and a waste of time.

Cause I’ve found that it does create like a point of ‘stress’ within me. Where, I’m not just living and not just ‘here’. I’m more sinking into a pit of all sorts of emotions and so on some level am entertaining the mind, even though yes, seeing something ‘real’. So I’ve learned to ‘relax’ within this point by just not allowing myself to get too swallowed up by the ‘vastness’, but more giving myself a break from it all. Not being defined by it. Cause at the end of the day, it’s still just programming and I decide if it’s going to define me or not.

 

 

 

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Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN!

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... Not Doing Anything"

So in my previous blog I wrote about this ‘business’, with always hopping from one thing to another, always in a rush and a hurry, trying to do a million things at once. And how to relax is to essentially bring the focus more ‘here’, rather than ‘everywhere else’. To ‘not do anything’, as in to be Ok with just being here.

Now I have noticed myself going into that ‘rushedness’ especially when I am at work. Where, I’ve found myself rushing and hurrying through my tasks and responsibilities EVEN when there is no need for me to do that. When I can get the same things done in the time that I have without rushing myself. I can take my time, do things at my own pace, more taking it easy, while still getting everything done that I need to get done. So why all the hurry?

What I’ve realized is that my starting point for hurrying/rushing myself in every moment, is this belief in the back of my mind that ‘I am not good enough’. A belief that I must prove myself. That I must prove that I am effective and efficient and fast and good at what I do. Like I actually believe that I’m pretty shit at everything, so I must sort of ‘over-perform’ through rushing and putting in MUCH MORE effort than is required into everything I do so I can ‘prove’ to people: ‘Look! I can do this! I am good at this! I am not shit!’

So there is a constant focus on ‘other people’. Within that point of ‘I must prove myself’ to people, and ‘must show people’ what I’m made of. But obviously no matter what I do, no matter how efficient and effective and fast and good I prove myself to be, it really makes no difference. Its not like I ever reach a point where I can ‘finally accept myself’ and finally relax and be content with myself. I just keep on looping in that rushed state, never good enough, never relaxing, never satisfied with myself.

So with the point of ‘relaxing’ this is something I’ve been having to take on. To really catch myself each time I access this state, which is all the time lol, and slow myself down and look at where within myself am I in this belief that ‘I’m not good enough’ and that ‘I must prove myself to others’? And the reason why this is such a ‘tricky’ point and why it’s been so difficult to change within it, is because it is a negative hiding behind a positive. The ‘rushedness’ actually feels like a positive experience. An adrenaline. It makes me feel ‘good’. It makes me feel good about myself, for a moment, as I am busy ‘proving myself’ – so there is a ‘reward’ there. Or at least the experience of it. But it actually does quite a number on my body.

And it’s been my body that’s been showing me: ‘hey! Slow down girl! Look at what you’re doing to yourself, by not looking at your starting point behind this rushedness!’ Because, the thing is that I was coping just fine! Lol I was just fine not slowing myself down and not working on my relationship with myself, in terms of self-acceptance. It was working for me, to lose myself in the rushedness energy as my ‘compensation’ for my inner accepted ‘inferiority’. So my body stepped in and took a stand and went ‘no more!’, and so now forcing me to walk and change this point the hard way, through pain, because I wasn’t doing it on my own. That’s consequence for ya. It’s in the things you don’t tend to question.

So it’s now a painstaking process for me to really do the thing I have been avoiding all this time. To SLOW DOWN lol. Take responsibility for my relationship with myself. Stop hiding behind the rushedness energy, and work on how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be inferior and not good enough. To stop coping and start actually resolving and correcting and changing. To stop being so gullible when it comes to energy and start taking responsibility for what I’m accepting and allowing. So, thank you body lol. It’s a kick in the butt. But one I needed, evidently.

 

 

 

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Relaxation is... Understanding People

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is..."

So fear of people. My experience with people is that I've always been very 'sensitive', as in very easily taking people's reactions personally and very easily feeling hurt, rejected, pushed away, judged - and feeling quite conflicted within myself between this polarity of on the one hand wanting to be liked, be friends, get along, be kind and strive for a sense of togetherness with people, while on the other hand taking it so very personally when people appear to not want or strive for the same things, or are sometimes downright hurtful and reactive, taking their reactions out on me. Where I'd be like 'why?! What have I done to deserve this?! I've done nothing but be kind and nice and friendly!' Where I'd then push people away as a way of 'self-protection', as I feel I 'can't trust people'.

So it's always this whole dynamic that plays out in my mind which leaves me feeling quite 'out of sorts' inside myself when I'm around people, and just uncomfortable - and having made the decision that I don't actually like to be around people, because of this whole experience. Because I fear their mind, and their reactions.  Needless to say it certainly doesn't allow me to RELAX, as I am in a constant state of being 'on edge'.

Something I have found supportive in this, whenever a person is reacting to me in some way - or when I am interpreting their expression in a way that makes me feel hurt or attacked or pushed away, as though they are reacting to me - is to place them within me for a moment, or place myself in their shoes, to see who they are inside themselves. This way I've found I can always understand better what is going on, as I've found that my 'taking things personally' is always coming from a lack of understanding where people are coming from and what is going on within and behind a person's behavior. So my mind will 'fill in the blanks' by way of making it 'personal', in terms of personal reactions of thoughts, emotions and feelings within myself.

And I've realized every time that either the person wasn't reacting to me as much as they were just in some personality design and so were reacting to themselves in some way, like a personality design of awkwardness, insecurity or frustration, or yes they were reacting to 'me', but more because they were projecting something of themselves onto me and so again, were just existing in their own 'mind-bubble'. So this point of 'understanding' has certainly been key in developing my own 'sovereignty' so to speak. In terms of my ability to 'be my own person' and not feel so 'cornered' and threatened all the time around people. But rather being able to 'relax' a bit more. Basically being my own person through seeing how other people are their own person. And so nothing is 'personal'.

Similarly I've also found this technique of placing the person inside me to be supportive when it comes to expressing myself and communicating with people, as that has also been quite a great point of stress for me throughout my life. Where I'd get all sorts of anxious and insecure inside myself pretty much anytime I'd try to say anything to people. By placing them within me, I can immediately get a feel of the kind of person they are and 'what they need' so to speak. As in, how I can most effectively communicate with them in a way that's most supportive for them. It'll feel more 'natural' for me to express myself actually as well, as though my body and my self aligns itself with the person in a sort of dance or flow of expression - expressing exactly what is 'needed' in the context of who that person is. And so in the context of support as what is 'best for all'. And I don't need to think about it, there's no reactions or fears or worries involved. It's all quite natural and relaxed. And I never end up judging myself or feeling insecure about how I expressed myself, because I could see and understand exactly how my expression was 'specific' to who that person was. 

This is all still 'moments' though at this point. It's points I'm still practicing and developing. And I have my 'good days and bad days'. Days when it comes more easily to apply this, and days when I'm overall feeling more insecure and reactive within myself and I kind of 'forget' about this application. Where I'm more 'sensitive' to react and take things personally, and just being less 'directive' with myself and just spending more time in my mind. And my mind will definitely take advantage of that, to 'power up' a lot of emotional personalities within me of insecurity and hurt in relation to people. So it's important to stay focused on living the solution and integrating these techniques and applications as new ways of living, in place of the old ways of emotional reacting and taking things personally.

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Relaxation is...

 

So there's this one point that keeps coming back in my process. Which is that I need to RELAX. And it keeps coming back meaning that I will see the utmost importance of having to relax for me specifically, as i will in a moment see the extensive amount of stress and pressure I and my body is on in general and how it's destroying my body specifically. And I'll be like 'oh shit I need to find a way to relax!' and realize that needs to be my absolute priority in my process. 

But then somehow, that 'utmost importance' sort of fades and after a while I find myself at the same point only worse this time because I did not listen and so have now put even more strain on my body - rather than having actually focused and worked on the solution, being: relaxation. I always find more, and other things important. Like oh I need to do writing and self-forgiveness, and color readings, and this and that and the other thing.  Focusing on all these different things that I 'need to do' and completely losing track of what I realized as actually important.

So this time what came up was this experience of just being so 'tired'. My body being tired. Me being tired. So tired that I'm ready to just give up and call it quits. I'm ready to die. 'I can't go on fighting anymore'. And it kind of frightened me in a way, this experience. Because, I don't get depressed. But this was like legit depression on a very physical level. And so I had a look at what have I been doing to myself to get myself to that point? For that to be my actual experience on a physical level. And I realized I've been working myself up so much again. So much stress and so much pressure again, that I'd been accepting and allowing within me on a constant bases.

So this prompted me to look at: Ok how to RELAX? And what does it mean to 'relax'? Is it just doing some meditation techniques every once in a while or is there more to it? I realized that to relax for me is mostly to accept myself. To stop looking for 'more'. To be content with where I'm at and where my life is at. To stop trying to force things because I'm thinking that my life should be different. So what if I'm working a 'dead end job'? So what if I am working six days a week? So what if that is all there is and possibly will ever be to my life?

To relax is to be content with how things are. To not be in that survival mode of thinking about the future and having and needing to create something 'more' and 'better'. I mean yes I can obviously create something different for myself and direct my life, but it won't be based on any survival based energy drive. It'll be a point of self-expression and -enjoyment. And for that, I need to first settle in and be content with where I'm at right now, and embrace that. Because, maybe all the things that I've been focusing on to try and 'make more of my life and self', isn't even really what is best for me per se and isn't really aligned with my self-expression. Because part of my starting point has been this point of 'I want more'. And that can really smother self-expression and -enjoyment.

What's important for me is to not have 'more', but to actually let go and sort of sink into what is HERE and, it sounds cliche but, finding the 'more' in what's already here. And for me that means walking through and releasing the points of stress and pressure and finding that point of 'relaxing'. Through for instance, as and while I am working, being in the moment. Not going into that 'rushing' experience I so easily slip into. Where I'm busy working on a million things at once. And am juggling many different ideas of all the things I could still do. And I'm already thinking about the next thing. And am really sort of on my tail 'as though the very whips of my masters were behind me'.

A lot of which also has to do with memory programming where during my childhood I was in a way 'rushed' in that sense, or rather felt that I was. And felt as though I could not relax, because relaxing and 'taking it easy' was in a way seen as 'laziness'. So now there is the greatest resistance to taking it slow and easy and steady within 'relaxing'. Where for instance I pay attention to what I am realistically able to handle, or simply move at the pace of the physical breath and don't rush myself through my tasks using adrenaline energy, trying to get everything done at once. So that I found was something that's come up with forcing myself to take it slow. A fear of being seen as 'lazy', and a belief that people would JUDGE my 'relaxing' as 'laziness' and something 'bad'. Even though, I'm still getting the job done. I am just moving at a slightly slower pace as I am just being more considerate of what I am realistically physically able to do from moment to moment without straining myself. And so am not 'miss perfect' anymore who magically gets everything done and more, but am also more 'relaxed' with how I do my tasks. 

Another point that's come up that's been contributing to my constant stress-level, is a 'fear of people'. But that's something to open up for my next blog.

Being UNDERSTANDING when all you see is PROBLEMS

This is a continuation of my previous post "In my Image and Likeness"

Two things I have never very much lived in my life is UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE. To, when it comes to ‘problems’ and ‘issues’, shortcomings and flaws, be instead rather judgmental and reactive. Something I realized is that, when I’m looking at this world, and within myself into my own mind, looking at human beings’ behavior as well as my own – even though I may try so damn hard to be and live and exist in ways that is best – the reality is that all I can see is PROBLEMS. All I see is all the ways we’re NOT living as the best version of ourselves. How I’m not living the best version of myself. And how us human beings as a whole are not living the best version of ourselves.

And I’ve asked myself, ‘how can I be more understanding, of myself and others?’ But all that comes up is that I just can’t be. That, this world is fucked, we are fucked, I am fucked. We’re all fucked. I mean look at us. Just the way we exist in our minds. The DELIBERATE evil and the harm that we do to one another. The ignorance we exist in. All I am left with within myself when looking at it all, is just an ANGER. An anger that it is this way. An anger that things are not already ‘perfect’ – the way I KNOW we can be. It’s like a deep disappointment, that’s turned into anger, with our inability to live up to my expectations.

It’s like the expectations, as the ‘image of perfection’ I know we can be and achieve, is the bone I’m not willing to let go of. Almost like I’m thinking and believing that ‘as long as I keep my eyes on that image of perfection and stay focused on that, it will be our motivation to get us there’. It’s kind of like a delusion, to have that expectation and to actually believe that it works that way. It’s delusional from the perspective that what is missing is an ACCEPTANCE and an UNDERSTANDING that, well simply put, we are NOT that image of perfection. That the reality of who we are as beings is that we ARE ‘imperfect’. That we’ve got all these flaws and shortcomings, so very clearly shown within and as ‘life on earth’. We are NOWHERE NEAR ‘perfect’. In fact, that ‘perfection’ doesn’t exist. That ‘potential’, the ‘perfect image’, it doesn’t exist. It’s just not who and how and what we are. At all. And it’s like I am basically trying to find and see something that isn’t there. Which would obviously result in massive disappointment.

The reality is, that we ARE fucked. We are FUCKED beyond belief. There is no ‘hope’. There is no ‘glimmer of light’. There is no ‘potential’. And that’s not me being pessimistic. It’s a FACT. The ‘perfect image of potential’, that’s what only exists in my mind. It’s simply not HERE. It’s been something I’ve been hoping for, fighting for, searching for, like the light in the tunnel. But it’s like, the closer I’m moving towards that light – or think I’m moving – the more the ‘darkness’ seems to be moving in on me. Because the light is an illusion. It isn’t really there, and I will never really reach it.

And I’ve effectively been chasing that light within my mind my entire life. Thinking/believing that it must be real, because I can see it in my mind. Positively duped. Duped with the CURSE of knowing that we need to change, and even seeing a solution, as the ‘image of perfection’, but being absolutely SABOTAGED and DISEMPOWERED in being able to do anything because of how the ‘solution’ has been defined in the illusion in the mind. The illusion in the mind where everything is just images and pictures. It’s not ‘real’. It’s like these very limited, superficial ‘concepts’ of what and how things are. Like a comic book, or a movie. Where everything is reduced to a single image. A snapshot. Everything is ‘represented’ and ‘captured’ within an image. But an image doesn’t show you the intricacies of reality. It’s not ‘alive’. It’s more like a one-dimensional, limited, presumptuous ‘idea’ of what reality is. Like being stuck in a picture frame, experiencing, seeing and perceiving reality on that superficial level of the picture in the frame. It’s just literally ‘not alive’, therefore it is not ‘real’.

And the thing with my mind, is that it’s full of pictures. My mind is like a television, or a comic book. Always spinning ‘stories’ through pictures. Presenting me with ‘ideas’ of what and how reality is, where I then am actually very blind as to what reality really is. More seeing things in a very one-dimensional, superficial, and kind of ‘story-telling’ way, also seeing myself as just a character in a story that must in a way be watched like a movie for it to be ‘real’, or believed/perceived to be real. Many, many stories I’ve spun for myself, in my mind as my walking television.

And it’s definitely coming from and based on a desire to create ‘more’ of reality than what is HERE. To have that polarity of ‘the light’ on the one hand and ‘the darkness’ on the other hand, rather than just being HERE. But to basically have that ‘movie-plot’ within the mind wherein there’s ALWAYS that ‘epic battle’ between the dark and the light. And that’s why my point is that I pretty much just need to relax lol.