Overwhelmed with Self-judgment

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Capitalist Mind-Set"

Every once in a while there’ll be this point coming up in my mind of like thinking that I’ve been replaced in process and then I’ll suddenly feel just very ‘down’ on myself and actually even go into this downward spiral of thinking where I just perceive myself as this complete ‘failure’. As ‘unworthy’ to even exist because I’ve apparently ‘failed’ in my ‘purpose’. Because yes I wouldn’t say my process so far has been ‘smooth sailing’ or hasn’t been like a straight line of consistent application. Even though yes I’ve always ‘been there’, walking with Desteni, I’ve abdicated responsibility on points, gone into ‘revenge of the ego’ and sort of turned a blind eye to specific ‘positive’ experiences that I was participating in.

And it’s like in that one moment, ALL the judgment in my mind comes up and just floods over me and I feel just overwhelmed with self-judgment, self-doubt, and self-rejection. Absolutely convinced that yes I am ‘unworthy’ because oh look at all the ways in which I am not who and how I believe I should be right now.

So clearly I am not having much ‘appreciation’ for myself. More looking at all the ‘bad’ and using that to define me, rather than looking at how to simply support myself. And also not having much appreciation for others as I use other people to compare myself and compete, and subsequently apparently ‘failing’, rather than simply appreciating what I can learn from people and how I can use others within who and how they are, to learn and grow and change and become a better person.

So kind of stepping out of that ‘competitive’ mind-set wherein life actually sort of feels like a war-zone and it’s ‘every man for himself’ and it’s ‘do or die’ and you ‘can’t fall behind’ and ‘gotta keep up’ and everybody around you is basically your enemy. And where it’s like you only get one shot and either you get it right or you fail and die a failure. Where there’s basically no such thing as ‘support’ or ‘compassion’ or ‘cooperation’. And you feel like you’re just a lone soldier standing alone and isolated on a cold battlefield.

But that’s the mind. The mind is all about that life. All about competition and comparison and a ‘fight to the death’. And it’s a challenge to change that to how things could be and to what is actually best for all.  Which is to exits in simply an appreciation of life. And within that appreciation, you get to learn from others and so grow and change and become better, through others. Where in fact there’s only the principle of ‘none are free until all are free’, and so you work together, learn from each other, support each other and take care of each other and you stand in ONENESS and EQUALITY.