Just Stop Trying Already

This is a continuation of my previous post "Yearning for Love"

So, it’s interesting. Looking into my eyes earlier in the mirror. The right eye I saw there was lots and lots of fear there. Like, my being just infused with fear actually. A relationship with fear that is very very integrated and infused into my very being. But then when looking into the left eye, I saw this ‘little devil’ in there. Like, something deliberate. I had to look again because it was so unexpected. I have seen it before but its sort of hard to wrap my head around it. It’s this ‘programming’, or whatever it is. ‘Something’ inside of me that’s DELIBERATELY causing me to be so… conflicted all the time internally. Like something that is revelling in undermining me in every imaginable way.

Something or someone whose mission it is to sabotage and undermine every little effort that I make. Anytime I ‘try’ to take any step forward or literally ‘try’ to do anything at all, it will make sure to undermine me and go against me and essentially make sure that I will end up in as many inner conflict as possible – feeling like things that should be easy are super super hard, or even impossible, for me.

And it’s interesting because it certainly isn’t anything that I ‘consciously’ see myself doing. That ‘deliberateness’ in terms of sabotaging and undermining me. But I mean it’s there, in my eyes, so obviously it’s ‘me’. And if I’d have to venture into ‘why’ it’s there and why it might be ‘deliberate’, then what it looks like to me is that it’s almost like a ‘gatekeeper’. Keeping me away from what is already ‘here’. From what I’d see and realize if there wasn’t this ‘something’ inside of me keeping me from it. If I for instance were to just ‘let go’ and stop ‘trying’ lol. Stop ‘walking process’. Stop trying to put one foot in front of the other and stop trying to ‘do’ anything at all. If I’d just ‘be’.

I’d realize that everything is already here. Existence is already here. I just need to BREATHE, and not move a muscle essentially. If anything, any ‘muscle’ that I move, will just trigger this ‘little devil’ lol. Who will make sure that I end up getting lost in all sorts of experiences and beliefs and perceptions that ‘oh I’ve got such a LOOOOONG process to walk. And that I must TRY TRY TRY to just get somewhere.’ And that ‘oh it’s such a struggle! Such a battle!’ Trying to get to what is actually already right here for me. If only I’d just stop ‘trying’ lol. Stop giving that little devil so many opportunities to step in and ‘lead me astray’.

But I mean obviously there is a ‘reason’ why I’ve got this little demon inside me. Cause as I said it’s a part of me so, even though it’s unconscious, I am CHOOSING to exist like this. So that must mean that on some level I KNOW what I will see or be if I did ‘let go’. If I stopped ‘trying’ and just ‘breathed’. And that I actually RESIST it, for some reason. Maybe I resist ‘responsibility’. Because I know that if I became aware of existence here in and as me, that I’d see and realize my responsibility within and as it all. I wouldn’t be able to play the victim card anymore. I wouldn’t be able to ‘fuck around’ anymore. I would be RESPONSIBLE, for EVERYTHING. There’d be no escaping it. It would be undeniable. The undeniable truth of me, staring me right in the face. The very one that I have obviously spent my existence avoiding, trying to just keep myself away from that very moment of seeing it.

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Moving at the Speed of Light

This is a continuation of my previous post "Desperate for Connection"

When you start staring down into ‘yourself’ and into all the ways and all the points wherein you’re not entirely being ‘self-honest’ or ‘real’ with yourself, all you see is just an infinite and vast amount of dishonesty. Just so many points wherein you’ve given up your power to the mind, and lost touch with yourself, and abdicated self-responsibility.

And I’ve found that, being faced with all of it, I’ve gone into this point of ‘panic’. A panic related to a fear of ‘not making it’. Which has made me rush into trying to change as much as possible and as fast as possible. Trying to walk my process of self-change at quantum speed. Often juggling many different points at once and trying to include as much of the mind as possible when doing my writing and applying self-forgiveness. Really pushing myself to ‘get it done’ as soon as possible.

And because I’m in panic-mode, every little point that comes up from moment to moment, seems of the utmost importance to give my attention to. It’s like every little point that comes up is saying “hey look at this point that you still need to change about yourself! Better get on that Kim, you’re slacking!” And along with that, also going into reactions of judgment of ‘every point I haven’t yet changed’ or of ‘every point I thought I had changed but here it is coming up again!’

And because of all this chasing after the mind in an experience of panic, I never actually feel like I am really on top of anything. Really directing anything. Cause all I can see is just more, and more and more piling up in front of me and, to be honest, I actually kind of feel like I just can’t do it. And I just can’t handle it all. I feel like a little kid, just overwhelmed by expectations, but feeling totally unequipped to live up to them. But not by a lack of trying.

So safe to say my movement within my process has not been…, well I just haven’t been moving all that much actually. Even though I’ve been trying to move at the speed of light, I have only moved incrementally.  Cause I’ve been stuck in this pattern. Of believing I could take on the mind all at once. Which has really only made me feel all the more disempowered within myself.

Cause the reality is that my ‘power’ is more within the ‘small’. Within standing in just one singular point. That’s where I can really direct anything and ‘be on top of’ things. When my focus only has to be on just one point that I am changing, and isn’t slung all over the place, trying to focus on multiple points at once. Real power is within taking on just one point at a time, and walking that one point into change.

There's Something Wrong Here...

This is a continuation of my previous post "Bringing the Darkness Here"

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.

Bernard Poolman

I couldn't make sense of this quote at first. But I knew that laziness has been a big part of my life so I knew that it must apply to me somehow. It's only now, after realizing that I was in fact still very much living that laziness - although I believed I wasn't - that I am understanding what this quote is actually saying and how it applies to me.

Laziness is when there is something that you're not entirely wanting to let go of. A desire you're trying to protect and 'hold on to'. But at the same time you're not being honest with yourself about the fact that you are still holding on to it - so it becomes a point of self-judgment within you. And the self-judgment becomes a self-suppression. Because, you're hiding a part of you, from yourself.

So in a way you start living a 'half-life', since you're only partly 'here'. That suppressed part of you becomes like an anchor that weighs and drags you down. But it's invisible. You're not even noticing that there's something holding you back. I mean you do, but you also don't. You do kind of sense that there's something 'wrong'. There's just 'something', but you can't put your finger on it.

To 'cut through' or 'hack' this laziness point, you just need to pretty much 'come clean' about the point of desire that you've been unwilling to let go of. Be real with yourself that you have not been taking responsibility for a specific part of you because, you simply have not been wanting to. Recognize and see that this point of desire has been and is your 'master'. Maybe it's just a really seriously intense desire and maybe that means that it's going to be a bit more difficult to transcend it. And you may not see how or be able to, at this moment, 'just let go of it'. And that's actually fine. Just for now admit and realize that this desire is your 'master' and that you must serve it. Until you stand equal to it. As in, until it no longer influences you and you are able to move freely without it being there to hold you back.

Being honest with self is always the first - and most important - step towards transcendence.